the blessing and curse

"I think that all artists, regardless of degree of talent, are a painful, paradoxical combination of certainty and uncertainty, of arrogance and humility, constantly in need or reassurance, and yet with a stubborn streak of faith in their validity, no matter what."

~Madeleine L'Engle
A Circle of Quiet


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i know...

...that i am flawed, blemished and tainted

i know i am not an easy person
i know i emotionally invest too much in other people
and they probably don't even know it, even when i tell them
i know it takes me a long time to be comfortable with unfamiliar things
especially when they're risky

i know i like to take care of people
i know i am thoughtful
i know i like to make things for those i love
i know people can tickle me anywhere
i know it's easy to amuse me
and tickling doesn't count

i know i think too much
i know i can be cruel
i know i let people down
sometimes i can't fall asleep

i like to dream about going places
i like to think about love
i like mailing things
i like being quiet with friends
and listening to them breathe

i know i aggrivate people
i know i can drive them crazy
i know i am inconsistent
because i am ruled by fear of failing them

i don't like being scared
it's just what the serpent wants
i don't like being frozen
unable to move my arms and legs
i don't like crying until i can't see
i don't like being by my self
but that's where God has me

i know that Jesus knows what is best for me
i know i have to let that impact me to the fullest
i know i cannot compromise
even when it feels like i'm giving up the impossible

i don't like being refined
i don't like being moulded
i don't like being pounded, rubbed till i'm raw

but if i'm not then Christ will never be able to see His face in me. so i open my hands and let Him have me. and let the fire scorch my face. the mallets hammer my spine. the fists grind deep into my flesh.

it would be so much easier to handle if i knew if would only take a week, a month, even a year. but i've been promised a lifetime of trial in order to be purified. tell me that is not daunting...
...but i have no choice. to turn away, to go back to what is pleasurable, what is fun, what is less demanding would be choosing a death that does not ultimately lead to paradise...



in this fear and fatigue i am asking for some rest. to be able to let go of things that are no longer mine...no matter how much they mean to me...no matter how unfairly or painfully they were taken away...

and maybe i will soon wake up without wishing i could go back and do things differently. i can know it had to be this way. maybe soon i can even feel like i can move, like i can walk, like i can look forward again.


~~~~~~~

Matthew 17:17 – Then Jesus answered and said …Bring them hither to me.

‘Have you a “him” about whom you are anxious? Bring him to Me. Have you a “her”? Bring her to Me. We can even turn the pronoun to “it”—thus crushing the burden of the state the world, the grief and misery that overwhelms us if we think at all—Bring it to Me. We can turn the word to “all”—the problems of our work with its cares and questions, and more personal cares and anxieties too—Bring all to Me.
‘And there are joys, too. Don’t let us bring only griefs and anxieties, but also thanks and praises.
‘Bring him to Me.
‘Bring her to Me.
‘Bring it to Me.
‘Bring it all to Me.”

~Amy Carmichael


Lord my spirit is pained and tired. i'm not afraid of what you are doing. i'm not. it just hurts.

~

"A double yoke"

I was up late last night in restlessness. This morning i woke up early instantly and could not get back to sleep no matter how long i laid in bed. Why couldn't i have done that the other 5 days i had to be up for school??

The air was cold. my jaw hurt. Before i even crawled from under the covers i was anxiety-ridden. Almost without thinking, i reached over to my bedside table and read this from Candles in the Dark by A. Carmichael and it pricked me. this could be written for me...but it could also be written by me, for so many i am praying for. you all know who you are.

"I am thinking so much of you. My prayer for you is that the peace of God may enter into your heart so that you will spread peace all round.
The only way I know that leads to this is the way of Matthew 11:29. Verse 28 has a word for you, too, but verse 29 is all for you. You have borne a yoke--sometimes a heavy yoke--but His yoke is easy and his burden is light, because we do not bear it alone. It is a double yoke. We are fellow-workers with Him in a new sense, when we give up making our own yoke and take His. It is a definite transaction between Him and our souls. "Take." He won't put it on us; He asks us to take. Then when we do, it is His yoke, not ours, thereafter."

Father it is so simple yet so impossible. You should force it on me...then i might get something done. ha ha...just kidding...

i'm in a starbucks in Orange and Allison Krauss just came on the speakers.

The rain has been amazing, the air is so cold, the sun is so clear, the light is so clean, the sky so deep and cloudy and blue...as i crested the hill to get coffee this morning my breath was taken away and i was almost too entranced to reach for my camera as i drove...


my week has been bittersweet... the rain and seeing awesome people was lovely. but i don't know what to do with my heart right now and i am cursing my inability to let the Lord take control of me and my desires. my insecurity has steered me this week...not my yoke with the Lord. and i am paying the price with headaches and little sleep...among other things.
yesterday i had a good long conversation with my friend Nick, and i was reminded of how faithful God is to let us know we are loved. i was also reminded of how much i'm going to miss LCAD when i graduate in May...but i can't think about that right now...!

oh i worry so much...about people i love, about my effect on people...about how i wish i could be stronger for people...and it's that worry that often causes me to pull myself away...because would almost rather never get close to them that to risk disappointing them...because i'm always afraid of disappointing people...because i'm always disappointing myself...

man, Satan's a jerk.

Yet despite all of this, The Lord has been faithful. He has pulled me out of so much, given me so much joy, pleasure and ability when i thought there was nothing left to strive for. One would think that would make me more able to trust him now, but no. because i'm a jerk, too.

so what of tonight...tomorrow...
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) has hovered in front of my eyes for weeks now, when i remember it, and that's what i need to do.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

oh sigh

it is so beautiful outside. i think i'll draw today. clean my apartment. then this evening is the closing reception for an exhibit i'm in at school.
but first i'll finish my coffee and ask for God to bless you, because i love you.

you know who you are.


~~~~~~~~~

Romans 7:18 – To will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not.
Philippians 2:13 – It is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure.
Phil 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
---------------

From Whispers of His Power by Amy Carmichael:

'Romans 7 is a description of our life as it was. It describes our life as it is whenever, even if only for one minute, we live the old self-life…the contrast between Romans 7:18 and Philippians 2:13 shows this glorious truth. I cannot, but God can. And so I can, and Philippians 4:13 becomes my experience.
There is nothing we can do of ourselves, but 'When I said My foot slippeth; Thy mercy, O Lord, held me up.' (Ps 94:18)

So—I cannot…God can…I can.'
----------------

Lord i cannot...please hold me up...

days

So aside from maybe saying something stupid out loud or accidentally farting in front of someone, there has never really been a moment in my life that i can look back on and say "wow, that was really embarrasing..." Every game of truth or dare as a teenager, every silly questionnaire i've filled out...pretty dull. That was before today.



it's been a weird weekend.

"Plunged in the depth of mercy
let me die
The death that every soul that lives desires"




~Cowper out of Madame Guion

remembering

Grandma died a year ago today...i can't believe how fast 12 months can go by and how much can change. i still miss her, and it's often still strange that she is not here anymore. yet she belongs to a time in my life that seems so far away and long ago...

For my own weirdness...here's a little look back at some posts concerning my grandma...

2004

Monday August 30

Saturday September 11

Thursday September 16

Saturday November 6

Friday November 19

2005

Thursday January 6
The written prayer

Monday January 31

Sunday March 27

Saturday, April 9

Wednesday June 8

2006

Friday, April 14

Thursday December 21

2007

Thursday January 4

Friday January 5

Monday January 8

Wednesday January 17

potential for a good start

The semester is under way and i am ready to go (i think)!
figure painting, figure drawing, watercolor, senior portfolio, and senior capstone round out my 5 days a week. i'm also beginning to narrow down my ideas for my final portfolio and it's terribly scary and terribly exciting to think about. let's try just focusing on exciting, colleen. okay.
i moved studios...now i have one with a window...so i can draw or paint people from life with natural light!! i'm elated. it's pretty messed up right now, but hopefully i'll get it all set up and lovely before the weekend is over. this semester more people are moving in to take the place of those who left, so it will be a fresh start all around. :)

i woke up late this morning and didn't even notice my sore throat and stuffy head until i got to school. i took sudafed and i've been downing cold-eez to try and fend off this nasty bug!! i will not succumb!! tomorrow i will gloat my victory.


love.



~~~~~~

this week...

...i bought 4 pairs of shoes. two of them on sale at Payless...
but these particularly spectacularly stellar shiny rose-colored kicks i got at H&M. they make me so happy...

i am sharing this because, as people know...i never ever buy shoes. normally i'll spring for a pair a year. i guess this week i was feeling a little girlier than usual...

i also got to hang out with Andrew...a rarity...but well worth the long, agonizing wait. here, he ponders whether or not it would be prudent to purchase some gold leafing...stuff...






a walk with the mom and the dad...et cetera...




poor trees


look...no hair!



Sunday...
amazing clouds



Amaris and Ioni


lovely Joy came to visit! here is Grandpa Floyd chatting to her and Amaris about books or food or something...

the cuteness level at potluck went just a little too high for my comfort...








Skip forward to Wednesday...


Edan looking sleek and cool


lovely Liz


hugs :)

and, as we all know, Thursday means Disneyland!


yaay technology, look how well we all communicate now!


California Screamin...i'm in the above one looking way happy


they could be brothers...



there they all are...Elisabeth, Amy, Tiffany, Phill, Phil, Liz, Edan


Space Mountain happiness




Matterhorn happiness

no day is complete without a band photo





Because we were a group of 8, we all had a number assigned to us so when we wanted to make sure everyone was there we would count off... 1! 2! 3! 4!...&c...kind of like kindergarten. i was number 4. it got really interesting when we began calling out our numbers in Roman numeral form... i! ii! iii! iv! v! vi! vii! viii! it sounded like we were communicating in some strange indigenous tongue...
Here we are on the Winnie the Pooh ride...proudly displaying our respective numeric representations...

Elisabeth on the far right is actually 5...she just happened to be the only one to hold up her number in it's roman form.


Friday night was a special Snazzy preview of the Italy Artwork exhibit, which i have two pieces in...
also, in my defence, i'm not used to being in front of the camera...hence the whole "i don't really know how to smile for a picture" look i have in these photos...



it's weird that i'm not blonde


Michelle, Katy and myself...the 3 roomies. :)


Crystal and me


i was lucky enough to be able to pose for one of Betty Shelton's portraits...there i am on the left with longer, blonder hair

afterwards, Katy, Michelle and i went out for drinks.




We got excited because our rings all looked similar. and yes, i know this is a picture full of middle fingers...

Later Friday night i met up with some people from school and some amazing telepictionary was played.

i'm now in Pasadena, and Laurel and Chad are here. :)

okay. i don't have much time now to sleep before church. good night...morning...day...


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current playlist

1-Weird Fishes/Arpeggi...Radiohead
2-No Surprises...Marissa Nadler
3-In Dreams...Gabby La La
4-Dark Star...Beck
5-Pilots...Goldfrapp
6-Bubbles Which On The Water Swim...Colleen (not me)
7-Lose My Breath...My Bloody Valentine
8-I'm Thinking Tonight of My Blue Eyes...The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
9-Dr. Strangeluv...Blonde Redhead
10-Eastern Glow...The Album Leaf
11-There is a Kingdom...Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
12-A Sunday Smile...Beirut
13-Opus 36...Dustin O'Halloran
14-Let's Dance...M. Ward
15-Grendel...Sunny Day Real Estate
16-God'll Ne'er Let You Down...Sufjan Stevens
17-Country Mile...Camera Obscura
18-Winter is Blue...Vashti Bunyan
19-Tomorrow On The Runway...The Innocence Mission

~

it's raining...

~~~