Saturday, October 30

Wow. i worry far too much for my own good. God knows why. It doesn't help me...or anyone else, very much.
At all.
Today was frustrating. Living here is driving me up the wall. If you could hear me right now you'd hear me going
or something like that. I probably shouldn't write about it.
I don't even know if i want to write about it.
Living with two 90 year old oversized toddlers is a nightmare sometimes.
They yell and scream for no reason
They can't be left alone
They need help getting dressed
They can't walk
They need to be fed
They pee in their pants and you have to clean it up
They freak out if their surroundings change
They're always too hot or too cold
They have temper tantrums and throw things
They don't listen to reason
They have no sense of personal hygene
They have no sense of personal space
They're always always squabbling

poor Kristina had to be here today as a typical afternoon taking care of grandma and grandpa unfolded before me.
Let's just say it involved numerous trips up and down the attic stairs, a screaming fretful grandfather, grandma with a bladder infection, an overflowing toilet, bouts with my grandpa...which is going on right now. Everyone's yelling..............!
I think i'm losing my mind. At least i wish i was sometimes. Living here's only the half of it. it's like the icing... I don't know. I really feel like i am.
I just hate being here and i hate the state i'm in right now and i hate that i don't want to talk to anybody about it and that i've dug myself in so deep and i'm taking it out oneveryone else and i'm turning into jus tthe opposit of who i want to be or even who i was when i at least i could deal with conflict in a solid healthy way and not dwell on the garbage that is swirling inside of me and taking hold of
I probably shouldn't have written about it.

i'm so sorry i'm so negative

Thursday, October 28

Tomorrow night is Pip's show. I'm going tover to his house to practice tonight. I get to play the Pianosaurus!!! YAY! Andrew stole the Keyboard from me. grrr.....
It's going to be AWESOME!

I'm joking, Andrew, by the way. You're much better at it than i am. (;

Wednesday, October 27

Another music post...HAHAHA!

I go through phases with the music i listen to...sometimes only listening to only one or two cd's for a week or more. I recently went through a period of a couple of weeks when all i listened to was the Pixies and Bjork. For no particular reason, really. It was just my mood. The recent cold and rainy weather has softened my tastes slightly for the time being and i'm currently partial to Sufjan Stevens and my mix of celtic music i made. "Seven Swans" is such an awesome record! I hadn't heard it in a while and i just started listening to it's soothing and satisfying...a lovely combination. I've been enjoying the Muse a lot, too.
Pip and i decided that the next mix CD's we'll create will be the most random, bizarre collection of tracks we can think of. I'm going to have fun with that.
Today my sister and i were eating at this Malaysian place and i heard a song playing that i felt i HAD to have for my crazy mix! I asked the shy waitress what the CD was and she looked confused and said she'd go check. At this point Sarah was laughing at me because she thought i was acting weird, and i started chuckling. They must have gotten confused and though i wanted to see the actual disk, so the music stopped and i looked over to see 3 asian people gathered around the CD player arguing with each other. I felt bad and i started laughing even more at the akwardness of the situation. When one of the older women came over to give me the CD to look at, i had a full-blown laugh attack. Actually, i had 2 laugh attacks. Obviously i was already giggling as she approached me but there was something about the combonation of the look on her face and the fact that i tried as hard as i could to act cool and read the cover of the CD until through my teared-up eyes i realized it was all in Chinese. I felt so stupid my nervous laughter kicked in and i looked desperately to my sister only to find her hiding her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking.
Tears began to form in the corners of my eyes and i looked up athe woman to ask her a question in hopes it would calm me down...and she was still wearing the same quizzical, penetrating, bewildered look on her face that broke me up in the first place. So my question went something like this...
"he he he!'m sorry...hee hee hee hee! could i...he he!...maybe...he he he he he he !....oooooahhhh...."
And so on. In silent laughter. It was terrible. I don't know if i've ever been so embarrassed.
The rest is unimportant. The fact that this is the second time this has happened to me in a resteraunt kind of worries me. I can't be taken anywhere anymore!
I won't eat there for a while.
The CD was by a lady named Teresa Teng by the way.

Tuesday, October 26


She really hated how pissed off she would get sometimes...often while she was doing it. Not that that ever really changed anything. No matter how unreasonable she felt she was acting, once her temper was put into motion there were few things that could stall it.
This time it was just a cumulation of a day's worth of frustrations that tore her from her mother's embrace and made her lunge at her sister to strangle her. Knowing what flak she would get for this later she instead picked up a pen and threw it at her...then stormed out of the bedroom.

It was dark outside. Of course it was dark outside it was after 11 at night. Before closing the door fimly behind her she made sure the deadbolt was unlocked and set off up the driveway, trying not to think of all the homework she had to do. At least she wasn't crying this time. The oak leaves crunched under her feet...the only sound breaking the chilly silence.
When she reached the street she looked around her and contemplated her 4 choices of wanderings to take. The two streets to her left she ruled out immediately. They led up into the hillside and were far too dark for her comfort...not that walking around alone at night was comfortable anyway. Considering she'd never walked through her hillside neighborhood this late before she decided on a somewhat well-lit direction.

The lamps on this street shone down with an orange light. She sat down underneath one right in the middle of the fork in the road where she could see for blocks straight ahead of her, and watched the headlights of cars come from far away then finally whiz past in two directions. She made a little game out of guessing which way they would turn before they seemed to run right into her, each time feeling slightly exhilirated. She tilted her head up and stared through the branches of the tree above, the bright orange light on the leaves framing a brilliant blue-green night sky spread with thin clouds. She had looked up just in time to see the half-moon dash behind the silver lined blanket and shine through translucently. She felt guilty about her mom and how unfairly she treated her. She lowered her chin and gazed ahead of her. It was really cold. She put her hands in the pockets of her sweatshirt and drew her knees closer...if only she had used the bathroom before she stomped out. She became very uncomfortable as a result of this, and the inklings of her somewhat irrational but often nagging thought of animal and human predators beginning to creep into her head, so she pulled up her hood and stood up. She decided to turn left.

This street was a winding one, so she stayed on the sidewalk to avoid the occasional cars screaming around the bends. Not to mention she was wearing black; she wasn't that brave.
She ran into a spider web and swiped a her face. Passing a dark, shaded area the idea of stopping to pee grew very tempting...but not enough to risk the akwardness of the procedure. Being a girl really sucks sometimes.
After two or three blocks she stopped under a dim light amidst some low-hanging branches. Gazing searchingly at the tangled, somewhat ominous looking hillside across from her, she wondered how much further she should go this way. She habitually glanced over her shoulder and started walking again. A bush rustled about 10 feet in front of her. She turned around and headed back.

Passing her own street again, she continued down where she would have turned right. Instead of streetlights, lining this way were lampposts; old-fashioned ones that had angular heads and gave off a bluish-yellow glow. She stopped near one and noticed she was next to a holly bush...or at least one with a bunch of red berries on it. They seemed to look even redder in the cool light, and she grabbed a handful of them. The noise of someting in the tree across the street startled her; she threw the berries in that direction and kept walking, once again checking over her shoulder.
Every time a car would pass, she hunched her shoulders and took a wider stride so to appear more...threatening? masculine? inconspicuous? She didn't even know. But she did it anyway.
Ahead of her a figure suddenly came to her attention that was headed towards her at a quicker pace that she was maintaining. She pulled her hood down further and stepped to the side and continued on as a pudgy man in a white t-shirt puffed past her. She looked up. "Hello," she said.
He smiled.

For whatever reason, after that, all fear of vicious coyotes and potential rapists left her and she strolled in freer thought and higher confidence past fake jack-o-lanterns, numerous signs advertising Kerry and Bush supporters and through several more spider webs...but those didn't even bother her anymore. There was somehow such a strange surreal, haunting feeling to her surroundings that she longed to sprawl in the middle of the street, clambour to the top of one of the gnarled old trees or run as fast as she could towards the busy highway. Only the tingling sensation in her bladder kept her in close touch with reality.
As she walked she thought she spotted a strange light several blocks ahead on the other side of the street. It was large, and it pulsated on and off. Stopping, she tried to make out what it was. It was no use. She cursed her blurry vision and quickened her pace out of curiosity. The closer she drew to it, the more she became anxious to find what it was...

She stood before it and marvelled at it's glory. The warm light shone on her face and dissapated, again and again. It was the tackiest inflatable electric giant Halloween decoration she'd ever seen. She laughed at herself.

She'd been walking for blocks...but didn't know for how long. She didn't really care; but obvious factors convinced her it was time to turn around.

The stroll back was uneventful, yet lovely all the same. She walked slower and slower as she drew closer the street of her family's house. Despite the ache in her lower belly she delayed her entrance into the darkened entryway for as long as she could stand it...and wasn't too surprised at the lack of enthisiasm at her return. She shut the bathroom door and turned on the heater...and wondered how long she would have stayed out if only she wasn't female...

Sunday, October 24

Are you ready?

Grandma decided this morning that she wanted to visit the cemetery where her mother, beloved aunt, and my grandpa's mom and dad are buried. Her insistance and fussing over it were what made my mom agree, and give up a rare free afternoon to take her.

We were all preparing to leave for church as my mom solidified with my grandma and grandpa that she'd be home at 2:00 to pick them up.
"Dad are you sure you want to go?" She asked grandpa.
He paused and gazed up then down at his hands resting on his cane.
"Yes, I want to go."
"Okay then," she turned to call into the bedroom, "Mom, I'll be home around 2:00, okay?"
"Will you be ready?"
"Oh, yes. I'll be ready."
"Okay," my mom said in a slightly skeptical voice. As we walked out she yelled, "See you at 2!"

"Hey, I'm home!" my mom calls out as she and i walk in the front door at 2:00 sharp. Grandpa comes around the corner with the usual bewildered look on his face at seeing someone walking around the house. "Oh! hi," he says.
"How are you guys doing?" My mom asks expectantly as she makes her way to their bedroom to check on Grandma's progress. "fine, fine."
My mom walks into their master bathroom and asks grandma, "How are you doing mom, are you ready?"
"Oh, yes, I am," she states in her small, grainy voice as she stands bent at the sink.
"Okay, because we need to go as soon as we can."
"Oh Good. Good." She turns the water on, "I want to get some...uh...steaks."
My mom remains quiet, somewhat perplexed, but used to her mother's out-of context-ramblings.
"At Ralphs," Grandma continues, holding her shaking hands under the faucet. "Some nice top mignons. Would be very nice..."
"Okay, but mom what does this have to do with the cemetery?"
"The cemetery?"
Mom sputters a bit, "W-well, yes, mom! You wanted to go to the cemetery today, remember?"
"That's why I came home so early."
"Oh...yes. I forgot."
There's a small pause as my mom gathers her patience.
"My mind was...all on Christmas," Grandma mumbles softly. "I was...looking through all those books and i got so involved..." She trails off.
My mom asks slowly, "Do you still want to go?"
"Yes. I want to go. I'm going. I haven't gone in years and by God, I'm going."
Mom sighs, "okay. Are you going to be ready?"
"Yes. I'll be ready."

I don't know what it is about the thought of an 87 year old woman visiting the grave of her mother, aunt, and her husband's parents on a cold, grey October day that causes such indescribable feelings to run through me. And knowing the history she's had. Her father isn't buried there, because she never knew what happened to him after he left her and her mother when she was 14, and her mother slowly lost her mind as she grew older and my grandma had to care for her.

"Are you ready mom?" my mother asks again.
Her husband decides not to go because he'd "just get in the way", and sits in his armcair as mom cleans his false eye.
"Now don't worry," she consoles him. "We'll be back soon, and Colleen will be here for a little while."
He doesn't say much as they leave, but as always, makes sure to ask his wife, "do you have a little sweater on, mommy?"

Saturday, October 23

WILL EVERYBODY PLEASE STOP SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

die Farben

red are
some of

Wednesday, October 20

I wish i...

was fluent in German and Gaelic
could draw hands flawlessly
could not be so ticklish
had stronger nails
could play the bagpipes
would wrote a novel
could run a marathon
liked talking on the phone
prayed more
read more
painted more
could do a handspring
would talk more
liked talking more
could live in Ireland
or Germany
could be an opera singer
would lose 20 pounds
genuinely laughed more
wasn't turning 22 on Friday
was more forgiving
was more understanding
was more content!

Monday, October 18

Yea, so.....i just found out that my car might be totaled.

Sunday, October 17

"Sunday Morning...

"...praise the dawning."

Well...i got into my first car accident this morning. I realize i wasn't missing much... guys will never believe wasn't my fault! Seriously! I really did always think that my first accident would be my fault because of my insane driving habits. But i digress...

My mom, Sarah, Laurel and i were on our way to church on a busy surface street. We had been singing hymns in the car and talking about how amazing it was that we left on time. We drove for about 20 minutes and i got off the freewway...
I was driving in the right hand lane because i was going to make a turn soon, when suddenly a white sedan pulled in front of me and slammed on their brakes to turn into a gas station.

Now, it had been raining all night and morning so the roads were slick, so luckily i wasn't going as fast as i usually do. Not that it would have mattered because as hard as i tried to pump my own brakes, all i could do was watch in slow motion as my mom threw up her hands and said "shit" and my truck skidded straight into the back of the car in front of me, my mom yelling "God DAMMIT!" on impact.
We lurched forward with a jolt and i sat dazed staring out the windsheild as my mom continued to seethe and ordered me to pull into the station behind the people i hit.
I was freaked out because the majority of rear-endings are the fault of the person in...the rear! And there's really no way to prove you weren't at fault if no one else saw it happen...which thank God a couple of other cars did! And they gave us their numbers and info in case we needed it.

Luckily, though, the people i hit didn't even try and deny that they were the ones who took the blame. I'm guessing that they either don't have insurance, or ust didn't want it reported because they told us they'd pay for everything....and the man in the car owns a body shop in that area, and said he'd fix it.
i sure hope it works out alright...

But for now, my front bumper is all smashed in and my hood is bent up and jiggles ominously. There was some kind of electrical shortage or none of the lights in the car are working...the door lights won't go off so i had to get my boss (who works with cars) to take all my bulbs out so my battery doesn't die. The lights on my dash aren't turning on so i drove home in darkness after work tonight. at least my headlights are okay.
sigh. I hope that this isn't an omen for the coming week.

It was funny seeing my mom shoot her mouth off like that. Every once in a while i'll catch a glimpse of her college-aged self through her present good mommyness that fascinates me.

The weather was impeccable. So that's a plus! What a weird day, though. I won't even get into all the stuff that went on after 11:00 this morning.

I hear mom Sarah and Laurel laughing by the fire in the living room...
Sarah wrote a screenplay. It's really good.

I've had Velvet Underground stuck in my head all day.

it's cold. i wish it would keep raining.

I watched a movie last night that made me really sad. It seriously made me hurt...i almost wish i hadn't seen it. It's weird how i react to things.

I feel strangely disconnected with myself right now.

Wednesday, October 13

It will probably be like nothing ever happened...that or it will always come back to haunt us.
There was a period of such peace and kindness for about three months...until he started living in the same house with us again. Even so, the return to what was previously "normal" has been gradual. sneaky, even. As much as i had been so overjoyed have a father i could look up to and respect for hopes were dashed as he began to become paranoid again. He began to criticize my mom again. He buried Sarah's attempts to kindly come to terms with our home situation. He still thinks i'm a crazy kid who's out to thwart him. He still denies that he knew what he was doing to our family for the past 22 years...or to my mom for the last 25. They're fighting right now. He's using his patronizing high pitched demeaning tone to probably tell her that she looked at him wrong...or laughed too hard in the next room at work today, or...heaven forbid, maybe she even got frustrated at him at some point today...and ...EXPRESSED IT!
We're all begining to fight again...question each other again...walk on pins and needles again.
I don't know how much longer i'll be able to keep my head above's driving me crazy. I hate that every time he apologizes...there's an excuse...a reasonable cause for his behavior...a "But..."
"You guys, I'm so sorry for the way I acted last week. I've been outside working and the paint fumes have really been getting to me."
"Colleen I'm sorry if I was rude to you this morning. Something about the chemicals in the shampoo I used really threw me for a loop."
"Carol I'm so sorry about what I said yesterday, but there must have been some pesticides on the apple I was eating or something, and my head was all screwed up."
The worst was the years and years of enduring his tyrranical moods swings (I'm serious) during weeks that he would be preparing for his sermon on Sunday, or studying for the Bible study on Friday...and having to ignore it. Having to sidestep it. Having to accept it. Because he was "under so much pressure", "under the enemy's attack". He was under the enemy's attack, alright. Him and the rest of the family, and everyone who came into our home. It became routine.
"What's up with dad, today?"
"He's preaching on Sunday."
"oh...okay, then."
And of course he'd always apologize, often deeply. Sending my mom flowers. Buying Sarah and I gifts. And yet if any of us approached him on the issue (mom, usually, as Sarah and i were often afraid to), we were being disrespectful to him as "the father, husband and head of the household". It sickens me to think about it. It's like some twisted version of an abusive relationship...but within a family. And without the physical aspect. But Emotional abuse can leave scars just as deep as physical.
My mom was too fat, or too skinny. Her jeans were too tight. Her blouse was too big. She wasn't wearing enough makeup...her lipstick was the wrong color. Her arms were too muscular, she didn't exercise enough. Her hair was too short. She talked too loudly, she was too friendly with other men. She never supported him. She always took our side...
There would be nights where i would lay in bed listening to the yelling in the room next to mine...or above mine...or wherever they were. I'd listen to my mom cry. Sometimes he'd come into my room and lecture me on why he was right and she was wrong until he was blue in the face...or he felt like i saw it his way.
As i got older it got worse as i began to argue back at him...even if i knew it would get me nowhere. i was just angry. I had to argue. it was a hideous trait i picked up from him and will have to struggle with for my entire life.
Of course my opposition to him was immediately noting but blatant disrespect in his eyes, whether or not i was right, or calm, or unbiased. And, in his eyes, i became the sort of rebellious wayward daughter he always accused me of being. Though the worst i ever did was drive to a friend's without telling him where i was going after he physically threw me out of the house with no shoes on, no bag, no wallet. not even my phone. that was just a few years ago.

And he still has the gall to tell us he "had no idea" what he was doing. But ever since his "revelation" earlier this year, he's "a changed man". So even if thing do regress, as they are, he will never admit to it. I don't even know if my mom will. When they were thinking about divorcing earlier this year i was devistated...and yet partially relieved. Something would really truly change! As i said before, those months living without him in the house were so lovely. Blissful, even.
Except for the nagging concern that somehow there was something just a little bit wrong with being to happy to finally live without my father, and how scarred and angry i realized i was after all those years...and how my mom would prbably never fully recover from a strenuous marriage full of tears, confusion and pointless criticism and conlict.
And there where times when thoughts like that would break the peace like a steel wrecking ball.

So i'm worried...when i hear dad tell my mom the other day that she wasn't nice enought to him while helping him with a simple computer function when she has a whole grossly chaotic Disney studio to get back on track after being gone for 3 weeks in Australia, having no time to personally help anyone else, while struggling with severe incompetence on the part of everyone who should have had authority while she was gone. I'm worried as he's beginning to dictate what friends she should be spending time with again.
I'm worried because he expects me to "forgive and forget" the person he's been my entire life, and treat him like someone i don't know. After being conditioned to respond to someone a certain way your entire CAN'T suddenly act as if it never happened. It's impossible, unreasonable, and absurd to think that anyone can do it. Because whether or not it's right, i don't know anything better.

And he's not a different person. Because he can't see that he has fault, and that other people are allowed to be faulty. Because he can't accept that he DID know what he was doing all those years. Otherwise why would he have spent so much time and money on trying to win back our affections after bowling us over?
He still wants to give ministry at church. And when he asked us how we felt about that...and we told him we weren't comfortable with it...he just firgured we were stuck in the past and hadn't "forgiven" him yet.
Whether or not i've forgiven him, this mess isn't over. He keeps telling my sister and i that there are "so many things" we don't know about, and shouldn't pass judgement based on what we see.
Well all i know is what i see. And i'm seeing things go from "normal" again.
And i don't like it.

Saturday, October 9

Dear Editor,

I wrote a letter to the editor of the college newspaper last week. It was something i'd been meaning to do for ages...and i finally sat down and spilled it out. It was mostly to get my feelings off of my chest so it was a bit impassioned...and i never really thought that they would actually print it...but they did!
To my astonishment, the following appeared on the second page of the PCC Courier last week...

My name is Colleen Police, Im 22 years old, I've been a student at PCC for 3 years and I am a Christian. I am also angry and humiliated, but for a reason many of you may not suspect. There is something going on at PCC that has been an annoyance to a few, an outrage to some, an embarrassment to others, or a combination of all three to someone like me.

What I'm talking about is the presence of "Jesus freaks" and "witnesses" planting themselves on the campus yelling, pointing fingers, and holding up outlandish signs warning people of the wrath of God and the dangers of Hell.

Just a few days ago, I watched in sickness as a man yelled accusingly to a girl walking past him how Jesus died for her.

I am upset because of the stigma these people are promoting and solidifying in the heads of the many individuals I know who think that all Christians are intolerant, stuck-up, "holier-than-thou" bible thumpers. That we are activists who care more about "saving" as many people as they can through fear and anxiety, than promoting the the real message and ministry of Christ that has seriously been all that has kept me alive, at times, in the past few years. One of hope (not dread) forgiveness (not punishment), and love (not hate).

I'm not a happy peppy Christian who goes around spouting off to everyone how perfect and pleasant my life is because I know Jesus. I'm just a college student trying to make it through this dark and confusing world the only way I know how.

I know I'm not alone as a person of faith on this campus in my thinking that what these people are doing is inappropriate. On behalf of all Christians and believers in Jesus Christ at PCC who hold my point of view on this issue, I deeply apologize to anyone who is offended or disgusted at this display of immaturity and lack of wisdom these people have shown, because I sure am.

Lastly, I want to encourage other Christians at PCC to engage with these people, tell them how much their actions upset you and offend you, let them know you don't support them. Because I sure will.

With all love and sincerity, Colleen

Crazy, no? The weirdest thing is the reactions i've been getting from people who have found out i wrote it...nothing negative...yet! I had one of my teachers write me a very sweet note commending me for writing it, aother one of my past teachers (quirky, loud, crazy atheist) told Kristina when he saw her how much he liked it, and i've even had a student i didn't know...but who obviously knew me...come up to me and thank me.

It was really awesome to think that maybe just ONE non-Christian would read it and think twice about what they believe. Of course it's also great to find a couple more Christians on campus who do agree with me. But i've been pondering something.
They all told me how brave i was, how great it was...i just said thanks..i don't know, it's weird. I would like to think that more people of faith would be willing to step out in it, you know?

it'll be interesting to see what happens next time those people come around...if i'll be willing to step out myself!

Friday, October 8

Here you go...Pip getting his face on by the ever sweet Sarah. Very nice.

I guess technically it's friday...

Hey...what's that....? A profile picture??
It is!
So there i am...sort of. i had fun playing with it. I love Photoshop. love love love it.
I also love Thursdays...because when i'm not in charge of my grandparents for the evening, it's my one guaranteed free evening of the week. Lovely!
So today after leaving PCC around 5 or so i arrived at my cousin Anna's apartment where she and my sister were waiting for me. We proceeded to eat Trader Joe's salads, and laugh and goof off like we always do. We then watched an episode of Alias on dvd. That show is so awesome. Sarah and Anna were laughing at me nearly the entire time because of how charismatically i was reacting to the various situations in the show. Hey...i enjoy myself. Oh, we ate Ben & Jerry's to further our viewing pleasure. We talked for a while, i put a new quote in my quote book, and after a time i popped in the first disk of the Two Towers EE. I turned on the commentary of the cast and sat and watched it with glee. Compliant but grumbling, the girls sat and watched it with me. I am such a complete geek. Please laugh at will make me feel better.
Sarah and i met Pip at our house around 10:00...we were going to have an evening of filming fun! Sarah has a film project due in her Art center class on Tuesday and she filmed the part with Pip in it tonight. It's basically going to entail images of "modern day" fairy tale characters played eerily by friends of ours...maybe even me!
The role required a great deal of freakish we proceeded to drastically lighten his face, put baby powder in his hair, red lipstick and liner all around his eyes, and mascara on his bottom lashes. He looked tight. (You did Pip, you did!)
He was supposed to be a sort of type of the "White Rabbit". At one point Sarah wanted him to jump around all crazy-like, and Pip did so, despite the fact that he's been fasting for 2 days (what a trooper!).
Set to "Spinning Plates" by Radiohead, it should be very interesting and spooky. I love that song. love love love it.
When we got back to the house around midnight we all took our makeup off in the bathroom. Such fun.
Wow, there are so many meaningful things i wanted to write...but i'm so so tired. A result of 3-5 hours of sleep every night this week. Go fig...
Bis Montag...

Wednesday, October 6


i've had the strongest urge to dye my hair some absurd color.
i should really be studying right now.
pink is pretty.

Tuesday, October 5


nothing like the feeling of accomplishment.
i just finished my Art Center project that's due tomorrow. after hours bent in front of the computer. i think it turned out pretty darn wicked cool!
but seriously, i'm so pumped to be creatively productive i can hardly contain myself. I'd post it and let all y'all see my lovely illustration (starring none other than Kristina!!!)...but i'm afraid i can't.
I wish i knew how to put pictures on here.
"oh, it's so easy!" Andrew says to me.
oh ho ho! well, Andrew my friend, there are alot of things in life easier than...
um , i mean ease is the pitfall of our bioptic that's to say that with the being of easiness one can only
i gots nothing. i'm just incompetent.

Friday, October 1

Happy October!

Yesterday was a day of many treasures! In more ways than one...
First of all i didn't have to drive my sister to school early that morning. aaaaah, precious sleep!

After getting out of class early (always nice), Kristina and i went to lunch at the resteraunt i work at where i got a free meal (key when you are a low-paid full time student), and after dropping her off back at school, i trucked it on over to Border's, a personal favorite hang-out of mine. There, for the next two hours i took full advantage of the wealth of written word at my eagerly searching fingertips and anxiously waiting eyes. After a bit of initial bumbling around i went upstairs to the world history section and spent some time reading up on Medieval and Celtic history and comparing multiple translations of Homer's the Odyssey. They were all extremely different, and that frustrated me. So i traveled elsewhere. I found myself in the "Tolkien section" as i call it, for there are nealrly 4 shelves dedicated to his writings and i drooled over the many gorgeous hardcover books of his fantastical history that i would one day own! But not that day. So i journeyed elsewhere and found myself staring at the thick, colorful array of art books. I scoured the shelves for a good publication of Mucha's artwork...but found none; to my utter disappointment. I should write a letter. Frustrated a second time, i left to seek my fortune once again. I made my way downstairs to the language section where looking through books on German verbs and Irish grammar always prove to be of giddying fun for me...despite the fact i can hardly understand what i'm doing. i'm so bizarre!
To say i left the store empty-handed would be a falsity, as i left with a rich desire to go back again. Which won't take too long! Besides, i was saving my meager funds for another adventure that evening...Amoeba!

I finally ecsaped my grandparents house around 5:45...later than i needed to as i had to make my grandparents an impromptu dinner before i left. As i pulled out of the driveway i checked the maiI...and i saw it.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! It came!!! I ripped open the cardboard packaging and almost drooled. No not It's one of the most strangely uniquely beautiful films i've ever seen...I remember i wished at first that there were more like it, but now I'm glad there are not because it makes it all the more wonderful. I pulled out of the driveway a much happier person than i was all of one minute before. Which was fortunate.

I got to Kristina's house at about 6 o'clock. Half-hour late. I arrived just in time to watch the Presidential debate with her, which, of couse, was very entertaining. Just look at the two contrasting characters we have scrappling for the same office! I won't get into that now. I'll probably never talk about polotics on this blog. The most that i'll ever contribute to our current political circus is my right to vote.
Anyway, we watched the debate, and she then put in a bizarre anime series that she said, of herself, that "lots of people told me i should see". After 2 episodes, i was practiclly begging for her to turn it off. She heartily agreed. I'll just let you finish it on your own time, Stina! We talked, looked at pictures, discussed Oktoberfest on Saturday, laughed at some videos from our summer trip to Sedona...
Pip arrived a little after 9:30 and was offered a casset tape of the Dave Matthews Band by (Kristina's sister) Rebekka. Needless to say he was less than elated to take it off her hands. (why did you even take it??) And so we where off to Hollywood! We got there at about 10:00 and parked in the Arclight structure. As we walked through the courtyard outside the theatre, we noticed that there was some kind of film festival going on...the Silverlake Film Festival, to be exact. It was tempting to try and get in, but at the lack of our swanky dress, we decided against it. Besides, Amoeba closed at 11. And no, we didn't see any famous people. Actually, i don't think i've ever seen a celebrity in Hollywood before. hm.

Once inside the mammoth building that is Amoeba, i pulled out my lovely little scrawled list of CD's i was to look for. I thought ahead this time! I usually go there so unprepared i become a bit overwhelmed...but this time i had a plan. mwahaha...
We left the store as it closed it's doors...K & P with their own found items, me with 3 new CD's. The Pixies (who i'm very interested in right now), Cat Stevens (despite his recent...mishaps), and Elliot Smith's record XO. Great album.
Pip decided to take the scenic route home...and we got a little lost. Which is okay on a beautiful cool night with good new music to listen to. When we pulled up at Kristina's house, Pip turned off his car, we all prayed together and then parted ways.
I didn't listen to any music as i drove back to the house. i just thought.
I drove into the driveway around midnight and quietly got out of he car. I walked through the front door and went to the back of the house to find my dad watching the news, my mom shuffling aroud in the attic, and Sarah reading in bed. No need to be too quiet i guess! My grandparents can't hear anything anyway. So...
I talked to my mom.
I argued with my sister.
I showered.
Did some stuff.
And went to bed around 2.
aaaaah, sleep!