Saturday, January 26

"A double yoke"

I was up late last night in restlessness. This morning i woke up early instantly and could not get back to sleep no matter how long i laid in bed. Why couldn't i have done that the other 5 days i had to be up for school??

The air was cold. my jaw hurt. Before i even crawled from under the covers i was anxiety-ridden. Almost without thinking, i reached over to my bedside table and read this from Candles in the Dark by A. Carmichael and it pricked me. this could be written for me...but it could also be written by me, for so many i am praying for. you all know who you are.

"I am thinking so much of you. My prayer for you is that the peace of God may enter into your heart so that you will spread peace all round.
The only way I know that leads to this is the way of Matthew 11:29. Verse 28 has a word for you, too, but verse 29 is all for you. You have borne a yoke--sometimes a heavy yoke--but His yoke is easy and his burden is light, because we do not bear it alone. It is a double yoke. We are fellow-workers with Him in a new sense, when we give up making our own yoke and take His. It is a definite transaction between Him and our souls. "Take." He won't put it on us; He asks us to take. Then when we do, it is His yoke, not ours, thereafter."

Father it is so simple yet so impossible. You should force it on me...then i might get something done. ha ha...just kidding...

i'm in a starbucks in Orange and Allison Krauss just came on the speakers.

The rain has been amazing, the air is so cold, the sun is so clear, the light is so clean, the sky so deep and cloudy and i crested the hill to get coffee this morning my breath was taken away and i was almost too entranced to reach for my camera as i drove...

my week has been bittersweet... the rain and seeing awesome people was lovely. but i don't know what to do with my heart right now and i am cursing my inability to let the Lord take control of me and my desires. my insecurity has steered me this week...not my yoke with the Lord. and i am paying the price with headaches and little sleep...among other things.
yesterday i had a good long conversation with my friend Nick, and i was reminded of how faithful God is to let us know we are loved. i was also reminded of how much i'm going to miss LCAD when i graduate in May...but i can't think about that right now...!

oh i worry so much...about people i love, about my effect on people...about how i wish i could be stronger for people...and it's that worry that often causes me to pull myself away...because would almost rather never get close to them that to risk disappointing them...because i'm always afraid of disappointing people...because i'm always disappointing myself...

man, Satan's a jerk.

Yet despite all of this, The Lord has been faithful. He has pulled me out of so much, given me so much joy, pleasure and ability when i thought there was nothing left to strive for. One would think that would make me more able to trust him now, but no. because i'm a jerk, too.

so what of tonight...tomorrow...
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) has hovered in front of my eyes for weeks now, when i remember it, and that's what i need to do.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

oh sigh

it is so beautiful outside. i think i'll draw today. clean my apartment. then this evening is the closing reception for an exhibit i'm in at school.
but first i'll finish my coffee and ask for God to bless you, because i love you.

you know who you are.


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