"A double yoke"

I was up late last night in restlessness. This morning i woke up early instantly and could not get back to sleep no matter how long i laid in bed. Why couldn't i have done that the other 5 days i had to be up for school??

The air was cold. my jaw hurt. Before i even crawled from under the covers i was anxiety-ridden. Almost without thinking, i reached over to my bedside table and read this from Candles in the Dark by A. Carmichael and it pricked me. this could be written for me...but it could also be written by me, for so many i am praying for. you all know who you are.

"I am thinking so much of you. My prayer for you is that the peace of God may enter into your heart so that you will spread peace all round.
The only way I know that leads to this is the way of Matthew 11:29. Verse 28 has a word for you, too, but verse 29 is all for you. You have borne a yoke--sometimes a heavy yoke--but His yoke is easy and his burden is light, because we do not bear it alone. It is a double yoke. We are fellow-workers with Him in a new sense, when we give up making our own yoke and take His. It is a definite transaction between Him and our souls. "Take." He won't put it on us; He asks us to take. Then when we do, it is His yoke, not ours, thereafter."

Father it is so simple yet so impossible. You should force it on me...then i might get something done. ha ha...just kidding...

i'm in a starbucks in Orange and Allison Krauss just came on the speakers.

The rain has been amazing, the air is so cold, the sun is so clear, the light is so clean, the sky so deep and cloudy and blue...as i crested the hill to get coffee this morning my breath was taken away and i was almost too entranced to reach for my camera as i drove...


my week has been bittersweet... the rain and seeing awesome people was lovely. but i don't know what to do with my heart right now and i am cursing my inability to let the Lord take control of me and my desires. my insecurity has steered me this week...not my yoke with the Lord. and i am paying the price with headaches and little sleep...among other things.
yesterday i had a good long conversation with my friend Nick, and i was reminded of how faithful God is to let us know we are loved. i was also reminded of how much i'm going to miss LCAD when i graduate in May...but i can't think about that right now...!

oh i worry so much...about people i love, about my effect on people...about how i wish i could be stronger for people...and it's that worry that often causes me to pull myself away...because would almost rather never get close to them that to risk disappointing them...because i'm always afraid of disappointing people...because i'm always disappointing myself...

man, Satan's a jerk.

Yet despite all of this, The Lord has been faithful. He has pulled me out of so much, given me so much joy, pleasure and ability when i thought there was nothing left to strive for. One would think that would make me more able to trust him now, but no. because i'm a jerk, too.

so what of tonight...tomorrow...
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) has hovered in front of my eyes for weeks now, when i remember it, and that's what i need to do.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

oh sigh

it is so beautiful outside. i think i'll draw today. clean my apartment. then this evening is the closing reception for an exhibit i'm in at school.
but first i'll finish my coffee and ask for God to bless you, because i love you.

you know who you are.


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this week...

...i bought 4 pairs of shoes. two of them on sale at Payless...
but these particularly spectacularly stellar shiny rose-colored kicks i got at H&M. they make me so happy...

i am sharing this because, as people know...i never ever buy shoes. normally i'll spring for a pair a year. i guess this week i was feeling a little girlier than usual...

i also got to hang out with Andrew...a rarity...but well worth the long, agonizing wait. here, he ponders whether or not it would be prudent to purchase some gold leafing...stuff...






a walk with the mom and the dad...et cetera...




poor trees


look...no hair!



Sunday...
amazing clouds



Amaris and Ioni


lovely Joy came to visit! here is Grandpa Floyd chatting to her and Amaris about books or food or something...

the cuteness level at potluck went just a little too high for my comfort...








Skip forward to Wednesday...


Edan looking sleek and cool


lovely Liz


hugs :)

and, as we all know, Thursday means Disneyland!


yaay technology, look how well we all communicate now!


California Screamin...i'm in the above one looking way happy


they could be brothers...



there they all are...Elisabeth, Amy, Tiffany, Phill, Phil, Liz, Edan


Space Mountain happiness




Matterhorn happiness

no day is complete without a band photo





Because we were a group of 8, we all had a number assigned to us so when we wanted to make sure everyone was there we would count off... 1! 2! 3! 4!...&c...kind of like kindergarten. i was number 4. it got really interesting when we began calling out our numbers in Roman numeral form... i! ii! iii! iv! v! vi! vii! viii! it sounded like we were communicating in some strange indigenous tongue...
Here we are on the Winnie the Pooh ride...proudly displaying our respective numeric representations...

Elisabeth on the far right is actually 5...she just happened to be the only one to hold up her number in it's roman form.


Friday night was a special Snazzy preview of the Italy Artwork exhibit, which i have two pieces in...
also, in my defence, i'm not used to being in front of the camera...hence the whole "i don't really know how to smile for a picture" look i have in these photos...



it's weird that i'm not blonde


Michelle, Katy and myself...the 3 roomies. :)


Crystal and me


i was lucky enough to be able to pose for one of Betty Shelton's portraits...there i am on the left with longer, blonder hair

afterwards, Katy, Michelle and i went out for drinks.




We got excited because our rings all looked similar. and yes, i know this is a picture full of middle fingers...

Later Friday night i met up with some people from school and some amazing telepictionary was played.

i'm now in Pasadena, and Laurel and Chad are here. :)

okay. i don't have much time now to sleep before church. good night...morning...day...


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current playlist

1-Weird Fishes/Arpeggi...Radiohead
2-No Surprises...Marissa Nadler
3-In Dreams...Gabby La La
4-Dark Star...Beck
5-Pilots...Goldfrapp
6-Bubbles Which On The Water Swim...Colleen (not me)
7-Lose My Breath...My Bloody Valentine
8-I'm Thinking Tonight of My Blue Eyes...The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
9-Dr. Strangeluv...Blonde Redhead
10-Eastern Glow...The Album Leaf
11-There is a Kingdom...Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
12-A Sunday Smile...Beirut
13-Opus 36...Dustin O'Halloran
14-Let's Dance...M. Ward
15-Grendel...Sunny Day Real Estate
16-God'll Ne'er Let You Down...Sufjan Stevens
17-Country Mile...Camera Obscura
18-Winter is Blue...Vashti Bunyan
19-Tomorrow On The Runway...The Innocence Mission

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it's raining...

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stuff and things...and Christmas too

Saturday the 23rd!
Amaris and i finished our Christmas presents for the family...


i headed to the Meyers' where David showed us all amazing pictures from his 80 days of wilderness training in the Pacific Northwest. it was beautiful...


Then there came a fierce couple of rounds of Telepictionary...probably one of the best we've ever played. Any questions about this fabulous game can be answered in this post from last year.



So much laughing...Bob started sounding like he was in pain after a while...




Christmas morning...

look, presents!


i like how Christmas morning has bscome much simpler ...just one or two gifts each. and Alec was here this year. so that was special...





Maela sat and watched the whole deal...trying so hard to figure out what was going on...


Sarah and Alec showing off their prizes. You can also see a painting i did of my grandma on the wall behind them...
and yes, Alec got Sarah a brown bathrobe. :)


i only have a few pictured from Christmas night with the whole family...plus a few more...it was a very lovely evening. it went so fast i can hardly remember it. i do remember the prime rib was amazing...
Jef, Amy, Johnny and Kyle...



yesterday there was some hang out time at the Pikes...





last night mom practiced her juggling...thanks to Alec, she is completely addicted. it's hilarious.



today my mom, aunt Wren and i went on a hike to the waterfall...it was cold and clear and lovely. i think hiking is one of my favorite things in the world.


word on the street is that there are some Pappas's coming to town...


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