Monday, January 28

i know...

...that i am flawed, blemished and tainted

i know i am not an easy person
i know i emotionally invest too much in other people
and they probably don't even know it, even when i tell them
i know it takes me a long time to be comfortable with unfamiliar things
especially when they're risky

i know i like to take care of people
i know i am thoughtful
i know i like to make things for those i love
i know people can tickle me anywhere
i know it's easy to amuse me
and tickling doesn't count

i know i think too much
i know i can be cruel
i know i let people down
sometimes i can't fall asleep

i like to dream about going places
i like to think about love
i like mailing things
i like being quiet with friends
and listening to them breathe

i know i aggrivate people
i know i can drive them crazy
i know i am inconsistent
because i am ruled by fear of failing them

i don't like being scared
it's just what the serpent wants
i don't like being frozen
unable to move my arms and legs
i don't like crying until i can't see
i don't like being by my self
but that's where God has me

i know that Jesus knows what is best for me
i know i have to let that impact me to the fullest
i know i cannot compromise
even when it feels like i'm giving up the impossible

i don't like being refined
i don't like being moulded
i don't like being pounded, rubbed till i'm raw

but if i'm not then Christ will never be able to see His face in me. so i open my hands and let Him have me. and let the fire scorch my face. the mallets hammer my spine. the fists grind deep into my flesh.

it would be so much easier to handle if i knew if would only take a week, a month, even a year. but i've been promised a lifetime of trial in order to be purified. tell me that is not daunting...
...but i have no choice. to turn away, to go back to what is pleasurable, what is fun, what is less demanding would be choosing a death that does not ultimately lead to paradise...



in this fear and fatigue i am asking for some rest. to be able to let go of things that are no longer mine...no matter how much they mean to me...no matter how unfairly or painfully they were taken away...

and maybe i will soon wake up without wishing i could go back and do things differently. i can know it had to be this way. maybe soon i can even feel like i can move, like i can walk, like i can look forward again.


~~~~~~~

1 comment:

the naked man said...

i love you so. i am praying for you.

you are special and a delight to Him.

you are an encouragement to me.