Thursday, December 30

"You enjoying your break yet?"

Pip asked me last night as he drove me home.
Interesting question. I think i said, "yea."
I don't think I'll enjoy my break until i make it productive...and i don't think i'll make my break productive until i start enjoying it. Fascinating, no? It's so strange when i corner myself into these limbos in which i seem to have no means of accomplishing's stopped depressing me as much as it used to, and is now just plain irritating. Andrew asks when i'll paint...well by all means, i could be doing it right now. Why don't i look into European art colleges? Why don't i start writing the stories buzzing in my head? Why don't i just lose 20 pounds? ( that last one may seem out of place to you, but it fits there. don't worry.)
Part of me can't decide whether i'm excited about my life ahead, or terrified of it. A common dilemma, i suppose...but that makes no difference when you're experiencing it.
I'm reading Fellowship of the Ring right now, and there's a song in it that Bilbo sings as he leaves the Shire to set out on his "last adventure". He sings it like this:

The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

A few chapters later (many years later in the book's timing), as Frodo sets out, he sings the same song...yet instead of using the word eager, he sings Pursuing it with weary feet.
Bilbo's version conveys a feeling of optomism, excitement, a readiness and willingness to take on what's coming with a spirit of joy. Yet with the difference of a single word, the whole verse is suddenly sad, heavy with apprehension and melancholy, even loneliness. When Pippin questions him about the change in wording, Frodo is not even sure why he chose to sing it that way. It was just how he felt. The difference between the two characters (Bilbo and Frodo) is so stark, it's amazing what a different air it gives to the tale.
I don't know, i guess i found it applicable to me. Because i tend to walk with feet that are already weary, when they should be eager. I wish they were eager, i with it wish all my heart. I feel it sometimes, a sort of an eagerness you could say. I just wonder why there is so much that terrifies me. There's so much that's happened in this past year that's made me question what i want from life. But what i want doesn't matter. And i'm saying that in the least bitter way possible. For what i want may be the last thing i i guess that works out alright.
It sure is a magnificent day outside.

Sunday, December 26

Just so y'all know...

I have a couple of new thingies in the 'n' music stuff.

Pip should be pleased to hear that i am officially "turned on" to Boards of Canada.

this morning

"Katri Seppanen, 27, of Helsinki, Finland, walked around barefoot, in her salt water-stained T-shirt and skirt, at the Patong Hospital waiting room where she spent the night with her mother and sister. She had a bandaged cut on her leg.

'The water went back, back, back, so far away, and everyone wondered what it was — a full moon or what? Then we saw the wave come, and we ran,' said a tearful Seppanen, who was on the popular Patong beach with her family. The wave washed over their heads and separated them."

Friday, December 24

Twas the night before Christmas...

and all down the hall,
grandpa's sneeze echoed,
a primal scream call.

Twas the night before Christmas...
and out in the kitchen,
mom's making cheesecake,
that's sure to be bitchin'.

Twas the night before Christmas...
and under the fake tree,
the Puppy leaves presents
for you and for me.

Twas the night before Christmas...
and there on my floor,
lay all of my gifts,
unwrapped by the door.

My grandparents nestled
all snug in their bed,
all bathed and all clean
for the long day ahead.

Grandma will dream
of cookies and flowers,
while Grandpa will dwell
on how much he hates showers.

Mom will continue
to slave through the night,
preparing the house
like a wee Christmas sprite.

Sarah sits bent
in her computer chair,
creating my gift
sure to give me a scare.

Twas the night before Christmas...
i stop and i ponder
the things in life of which
i hate, and grow fonder.

The love of my family
such security there,
and yet here is where i oft
feel most despair.

The bonding of friends
a warming embrace,
and yet they can give you
a slap in the face.

The outstretching future
so clear and so bright,
and yet all i see
is a dark endless night.

Twas the night before Christmas...
i tell my reflection,
you're part of a plan,
one which needs no projection.

You surely can't see all
or all purpose find,
pray for what ails you,
in body and mind.

Twas the night before Christmas...
retorting i say,
i cannot see 'fore me
and i cannot pray.

I abhor my blindness
i curse my weak will,
Forever i feel bound
to here suffer still.

Twas the night before Christmas...
a divine palm slapped me,
a Godly foot kicked me,
celestial hands grabbed me.

I can't rid myself
of what boils within,
i can't reach inside me
and tear out my sin.

I can't control people
i can't control she
i can control how
i let Him control me.

Twas the night before Christmas...
and i sit in shame,
how could i ever
have denied His name?

How many times
must i wander away,
and let him pick me up
and I'll finally stay?

Tomorrow i want
to think of Him solely,
as i sing as i speak
may he keep the day holy.

It's easy to become
a sad lonely person
who finds Christmas dismal,
and lets each year worsen.

Twas the night before Christmas...
a little more peaceful
a little more joyful
a little more grateful

I find my self feeling
and i say without spite,
Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night.

love, colleen(:

Thursday, December 23

Friendship is such a strangely undefinable entity...
The thought is growing more and more in my mind that you can never know anyone completely. Even if you've stood by them since you were ten, even through mutual downfalls and picking each other back up again, even after seeming to share things only friends can share...
There sometimes come a point when you can look straight into her eyes and see someone you've never met, someone who doesn't want to know you, someone who thinks they know you and never really has...
someone who asks for help then denys it
someone who hears your words and discards them
flouts any responsibility
disregards your feelings
rejects God's hand
because as long as she's happy, why does it matter what happens to the hearts of those who love her? To those she claims to love? What kind of love is that, that demands i ignore the gnawing on my psyche and act as if all is well?
I asked what she would do if she found me in a situation dangerous to my spirit and my that i'd been in before, many times before, and had hardened my heart against truth...against those around me...against the Lord's will...
She said she's say how she felt and then support me and be my friend.
be my friend.
support me.
support me???
I don't want a friend who would do that. That's not love. That's not friendship. That's allowing someone to go ahead and drive a car with no brakes because you want to avoid argument. That's letting someone continue to shoot up because you don't want conflict.
That's ignoring something of eternal importance because you don't care enough to risk a little bit of your own skin.
I don't want a friend like that. no one needs a friend like that.
but that's the kind of friend she wants.
that's the kind of friend she is.
that's not the kind of friend i am.
and it's not that kind of friend i'll be.

i really can't do this anymore and i don't know what's going to happen. I can't say anything more than i've said, and i won't. it's not up to me; it's up to the Lord...and her.
in fact, in a way, it's all up to her.

all i can do is pray i'll be led the way chosen for me in this situation, and try to understand...
that sometimes being a friend means you can't be their friend...and everything in me hopes it doesn't come to that.

Sunday, December 19


i think ill move to arizona

Thursday, December 16 MY HOUR!!!

It's over.
I just got home from my last final...sweet relief!
I think i'm mostly excited to get back to doing all the things i personally enjoy...
reading long books
writing...lots of it. I'm going to try and write some scripts or screenplays or something.
i'd love to write some music...just trying to figure out how...
make pip a cd
learn how to use some editing software
bla bla...
oh, and i got return of the king EE on dvd yesterday.
You heard me! I got RETURN OF THE KING EE ON DVD YESTERDAY!!! It's like someone said "Congradulations on your hard work here's the best thing in the whole wide material world..." (well, not quite. but almost (;...)The temptation proved to hard to resist and my sister and i watched one of the numerous documentaries on the making of. It's awesome. She thinks i'm the biggest dork in the world but she enjoyed it thoroughly, of course. I also got (because it bought the collectors edition) a beautiful tiny replica of the Minas Tirith environment...and i sent in for the companion peice. A Minas Morgul environment.
I'm hopless.
But i have yet to watch the movie...i don't know what i'm waiting for. It's like when i saw the theatrical version for the first time...i almost didn't want to see it. I was so excited i knew how great the possibility of disappointment was...
or maybe i'm just sad that after i watch the EE of the movie there will be no more new LOTR movie perephenalia to gush over. But then again...i'd probably get sick of it at some point. too much of a good thing.
At least i'll always have the books to go back to...
go ahead, laugh! I'm not ashamed of my Tolkien nerddom. I was in love with the story before i even knew the movies were coming out. Thet're just the icing.
Okay, i've talked about this far too long. Maybe i'll go watch some of the movie now...
he he he. I'm so stoked, dude.

Wednesday, December 15

Monday, December 6

Oh, and by the way...just in case, perhaps you missed it...i'm a complete geek.

i"m Tried.

I have a humungous paper i should be typing...but i didn't want to leave that last post as the first thing people see here.
Ah, my grandfather. sweet guy.
It's been bitterly cold. At least, 50 degrees during the day is bitter for us spoilt Californians who are accustomed to waltzing around in our flip flops and tank shirts in the moddle of December.
I also can't type right now. I've had to correct nearly every word i've written so far.
I'm going to type the rest of this without correction. Just an experiment. Bear with me.
So my family and i are now the proud owners of...bum bum bum artificial cChristmas tree. When i faound ytout we were getting one, i put up quite a fuss. I admit it. For my entire life wwe've always had a real tree in opur homwe! But i fina,lly gave in and journeyed to Stats with mom and Sarah to buy our imitation tree.
Well, turns out we have a really gorgeous fake tree that we are free to pose however we please, and we don't have to worry abiut water, pine needles, the puppy tearing off branches...and now that mom and i have decorated it so lovellyly ( i did that on purpose), it really looks real! I just miss the smell.
Been practising for the show coming up on Friday...should be awesome. At Beantown...Sierra Madre...California...
You were lucky id idn't have a really bad typing night. it's been worse...muh worse.
The other night Pip and i went to trtader Joes to buy non alcoholic wine...much toi the amusement of the employees there. The checker said he didn't even know they sold it.
Needless to say it was awful stuff. Pip said it couls grow on him...whicjh would be nice considering htere's now a nearly full bottle of it in his fridge. Maybe his mom can use it in her cooking. She makes excellent Pumpkin cheezy herby soup. Actually, i hope she doesn't use it.
I shpould really go now. This was comletely worthless.
That's okay>. (: