Thursday, July 31


i keep having these dreams that are so real and true-to-life and unspectacular that in the last week or two, i have been having a genuinely hard time separating them from my waking life. i will recall a conversation i had with someone a few days ago and either laugh, or breathe a sigh of relief that i was able to talk to them, or be upset about its outcome, or happy...
...and then about a minute later realize that it never happened.
and i get all confused and frustrated because i had been basing my thoughts and reactions towards that person based on the "interaction" i had with them.
last night i had a dream with literally every single person i know in it. i'm not even joking. there were the sort of "main characters" sister, a girl i knew from LCAD named Sarah, Krystyl, Pip, Edan, some of my extended family members...and dozens of others. it was overwhelming.
waking up was overwhelming also.
i had "worked out" a lot of things in the dream...had important talks...experienced real emotions...and i am kind of reeling a little bit because they freaking never even happened!!
but...they kind of did. because i have vivid memories of real experiences.
i don't know if i can really explain it but it's been driving me crazy and having a very real impact on me lately.

okay. i have to go move out of my studio now.


Wednesday, July 30

where is the joy

"I once wrote that God always answers us in the deeps, not in the shallows of our prayers. Hasn't it been so with you?
One of the hardest things in our secret prayer life is to accept with joy and not with grief the answers to our deepest prayers. At least I have found it so. It was a long time before I discovered that whatever came was the answer. I had expected something so different that I did not recognize it when it came.
And He doesn't explain. He trusts us not to be offended; that's all."

~Amy Carmichael
i really really love the way Amy Carmichael words her thoughts.

Lord i have not been accepting with joy.
i was at first, before the weight set in, before other matters overwhelmed me...but i admit it has been one of those "impossible" things. despite Your having provided so much...
what does it matter that i feel peaceful when my feelings are stable?
as i wrote before, the peace should come when the ground shakes. literally and figuratively.

oh so much to learn. so far to go...

Jesus would You heal the wounds of my family...and those around us...
would You provide Grace abounding in the coming days and weeks...
let Your joy flow out in spite of suffering...and so be that much more glorious and undeniable...

Psalm 9:1-20~~~thank you Kallista


Tuesday, July 29

5.8 at the epicenter, apparently. i've never experienced one while i was outside on concrete. being planted on solid ground but feeling you are standing on a giant waterbed is a little...unsettling.
c'est tout


Monday, July 28

oh Lord. 

if it was just me it would be one thing 
but it's not and i'm heartbroken over it in so many ways
crying until i make myself sick

i thought i was done with this

i'm sorry i just couldn't hold up today

tomorrow will be better i pray--just get me to tomorrow

sometimes God whispers. sometimes He speaks. and sometimes He yells in your ear with a megaphone on EXTREME FULL BLAST

how are you?

i've been better, but i've also been worse.

yestarday i went for a walk with my aunt Wren and we talked about current events in our respective lives. i was telling her at one point how i'm not asking God to re-do anything, i'm not asking Him to take it away, i just want my heart to change so i can get past the ache. i just want particular things in my life to just end, just finish up already.
i am weary of the ups and downs. i wish i could just be hopelessly depressed until it passes, or that my heart and feelings would just change to i can reach the end of this and move on. to be able to look back, see why it had to happen, and be able to thank the Lord for it. i know i will be there at some point...i know because i have already experienced it...but oh, if only i could be there now...!! to reach the conclusion of all this!

Wren said almost immediately, "The thing is...this is the end."
i was quiet. did i understand what she just said?
"God's purpose is right now," she continued. "The lesson doesn't come later, right now is the goal." she laughed a little ironically; she was speaking to herself as well. "This is where you are supposed to be. Not when it's all over; the goal is right now."
i wept inside of me.
right now?
but right
i realize as i write this that i kind of chose to just not think any longer on what Wren said. it just wasn't pleasant enough. we were almost back to my parent's house. i told her that instead of going to Laguna that evening i would be staying at her place that night...


this morning i woke up with strange dreams still playing in my head. i got ready for the day, grabbed a couple of books, some coffee, and i went and sat in Wren's dining room. one of the books i had in front of me was Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, which i hadn't opened in a while.
Wren came in and said that today she had to go to Archives, among other places. i sighed, "oh, i looove Archives!" i picked up My Utmost and said lightly, "that's where i got this."
Wren glanced at the book and said tiredly, "if you read something good, read it to me," and left the room. i opened to today's date, and began to read. this is what it said:


And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side. . . ." Mark 6:45-52

We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end.

What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.

God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end.

God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.


"It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God..."

When Wren came back into the room i said to her, "You will laugh when you hear what today's reading had to say." She smiled at me, "really??" I looked down at the page in front of me, "It is exactly what we were talking about yesterday.'s hilarious." She sat down across from me and waited for me to read it.
when i finished she was laughing quietly "wow!' she said. "that's...! i had just been thinking about that...!"
"i know"
"I'm going to have to write that down..."
"i know"
she took a pencil.
"i don't even read this every day..." i mused.
she looked around for a blank spot to write on.
i sat in silence.
"What's the date, on that..." she asked, still looking down for a place to write.
"Today. July 28th," i said with a small laugh
"wow," she half-whispered

"i know"

i always take it for granted that when God speaks to me it will result in happiness and overwhelming peace and hope. i suppose it should, no matter what. but i admit i am not feeling very hopeful right now. i still have that desire to either be broken, or be through. to stop this darn PROCESS!!
i guess that is what He is trying to work out in me. in which case i had better find some contentment...find some calm in the now...whether i'm in a state of peace or despair...
in a way i always knew this.
a lesson i have already learned...
was i pretending i didn't...?

that's probably why He had to yell at me.

Your whispers, Lord...please now grant me your gentle whispers...


Friday, July 25

"I think tomorrow they'll have a shot of Obama coming down out of the clouds---with a white robe on."
~my dad, in response to today's LA Times front page photo:

Wednesday, July 23

seeing what is hidden

you know what?
peace can come at very very strange times. like right now, in the midst of a lot of upheaval...i am feeling a measure of peace i have not felt in...goodness...almost a year...??

the only annoying thing is that because i am so ridiculously emotional and sometimes hopelessly irrational, the peace ebbs in and out...but it is getting better. i know tears are not finished...yet that is just what it is to be colleen.

yesterday i met in bittersweetness with a dear friend. sitting at a Starbucks on the shores of Laguna we danced around the proverbial elephant for nearly 4 hours. "life is still weird" he said, with his head in his hand. at one point i shared with him something Amy Carmichael wrote:

"Our God does satisfy. i think sometimes He has to draw us into strange experiences in order that we shall prove Him to the uttermost, for some purpose out of sight.
For what is He preparing us? It is all hidden, we have only hints in the Gospels and in Revelation. 'His servants shall serve Him'--where? how? But this we do know: never a pang of disappointment or loneliness or pain (there are many kinds of pangs) but may be turned to minister towards a perfecting of power to serve--first here on earth, then Otherwhere."
~Candles in the Dark
Our discussion turned to the goal of God's preparation for our lives, and he asked what we could possibly be prepared for that would be used in heaven...instead of here...
i said in all honesty that i didn't know. we have no idea what is in store for us. the effort it takes to try and forget the representations, both visual and lyrical, that have influenced us concerning our afterlife over the centuries--Baroque churches, El Greco, Dante, even our beloved Clive Staples--makes it nearly impossible to believe in something about which "eye has not seen nor ear has heard".
but it think it is worth the headache.

The wedding is just over 2 weeks away. The house is overflowing with chaos, fellowship, short tempers, laughter, smiles, frustration, exhaustion and love. even in this case, sometimes the "goal" of all this activity can seem hidden, despite how obvious it is. we just sometimes forget to remember it...and instead focus what really will have no importance whatsoever once August 8th is come and gone.

Grandpa Floyd said in his message on Sunday that God often appears weak...He doesn't force us to do anything.
However, Satan does...and so seems to have the upper hand.

God's seeming weakness is our opportunity to allow Him Lordship by our constant submission to His hand. Trusting Him is an active thing. our relationship with Jesus is called a "walk" because it takes movement on our part. i forget that even waiting on God is an active thing...requiring trust and stepping out...

even if it's in blindness...


Tuesday, July 22

les poissons

went to karaoke with jef and amy last night.

amy and i picked out surprise songs for each other. in the video below, you will see what i was sweet enough to choose for her.
sorry it's so dark...but the sound is all that matters, really. priceless. listen to the applause she receives at the end...
i love my cousin.

will the night last forever?
stay by my side
'cause tonight, together
would be divine
but once it's gone
your face to hide
against the sun
the moon
am I on the other side
so blind
so long


Monday, July 21

i hurt, Jesus.

Friday, July 18

Videos from cetera...

Joel, Andrew and Jonathan loving each other

Caid and Jude being puppies

Jeff and Kelly serenading us with the title song from their smash Broadway hit: "Plate"

and here are some links to the full photo albums on Facebook...



Wednesday, July 16

WCC photos

So, i officially took over 300 pictures at Westmont this year. i say this so that you will appreciate how long it took to narrow it down to these i'm showing here, just for YOU!

Starting the first morning, July 10th at 6 am, and ending July 13th at Bates beach...