Wednesday, March 30


I got home yesterday to find an envelope on my bed...and i opened it to find...
i got accepted to Laguna College of Art and Design!

and i'm thrilled to pieces. in all honesty. And terribly apprehensive...but i'm trying to ignore that feeling for now.

Yesterday when i called Katie and told her, we were both squealing "yay!"s into the phone. We had just gone out for coffee that afternoon and i was telling her how anxious i was to find out one way or the other. So that was an answer to prayer.

Most of the other people i've told weren't so excited; "that's great Colleen...but i knew you would." or, "oh. cool. i told you so."
I guess i was kind of expecting it, too. They really liked my portfolio, and the Lord just seemed to be opening so many doors...but i just didn't want to get my hopes up. you know?

One thing i was NOT expecting was the partial scholarship i got...which is amazing. And i'm so so thankful!

but there's so much dread, so much dread in me.

yet i can't wait to finally get my life started. Kind of like Andrew said in his blog...but i'm not quite in the same place he is in many ways.

maybe this will help.

Tuesday, March 29


I took this picture of Maela today. I thought it was just too cute off.

Sarah gets to be on the set of CSI this week and watch them film an episode. That's pretty awesome for her! I'd personally rather be on the set of The X-Files...but that's abvously not an option so...oh well.

This little bit of info makes me happy for a great number of reasons. Simple pleasures, you know?


Sunday, March 27

the author and finisher

Happy Easter, all.

You know, despite how often i vent frustration here, i have so much to be thankful for. I need to remember that. i do right now.
It's just so much easier to think about every thing that's wrong. Looking for the Lord's hand should be my first reaction to adversity. Too bad it doesn't always work that way.
I've been thinking about a lot of things. And when i think about things...alot, i tend to overthink...and worry myself over circumstances i have no control over. Why do i do this? It's so frustrating. i've already done it 2 or 3 times today. lzibfIubg.

Last night i had "grandma duty". She usually rings around 3 am, and i was up so late last night--until about 2--that i decided i'd just wait up for her to call instead of having to wake up just as i fell asleep.
Sure enough, at about 2:50, she buzzed me and i went in to help her pee and give her her pill. As she was drinking a little bit of milk, she began to do something she's been doing more and more lately...getting it down the wrong hole and choking on it.

It's something that's yet another development of Parkinson's disease...the loss of the ability to swallow correctly. And in the past few weeks, i've been noticing her choking on her drinks more and more...and at some point it will happen with food as well. And with elderly people, getting too much debris in the lungs, or simply choking too much can lead to pnemonia.
I brought grandma's choking up to my mom, and she had noticed it, too. She says that at some point, because of this problem, most people with Parkinson's need feeding tubes. But my mom already talked with my grandma...and she says she doesn't want to have one. I don't know what we'll do at that point.

As grandma sat and coughed, i couldn't do anything but watch her. So i sat with my hand on her back and waited, growing more and more anxious. When she stopped, she asked for a little bit of water. Then i got her back in bed.
I stayed up for another half hour or so, just in case she called again, and she didn't. Not until around 7, which is usual as well. I went back to bed and slept for about an hour more, before my alarm went off, and i got up to get ready for church and help mom with breakfast. Peach pancakes and sausage and fruit.
After telling him about 3 times, grandpa finally began remembering it was Easter. He was in a good mood this morning. He even took a shower by himself before we got up, to my mom's surprise and horror.

Church was lovely, as we had a lot of out-of town visitors; many of them from a sister-church in northern California. Sarah and i went alone, as my mom had to be here with the g-rents, and my dad is very sick. But it was still nice. She drew a fish on my hand.

Anyway. It's another beautiful day... and Jesus is that's pretty cool.
think about that.

Thursday, March 24

"Grusome, isn't it?? Wonderful for Children!!!"

Laughed my German teacher in class today.

Frau Fogle decided to read to us from a children's book that's extremely popular in Germany. It's called Der Struwwelpeter...and it exemplifies only the best in "be-good-or-die" morals for children.
The first one she read to us was a sweet tale about a little boy who sucked his thumb so much, that even after repeated warnings from his mother regarding an evil rampaging Taylor running around lopping off the thumbs of naughty little children...he continues to do so. You can see where this is going, ja? Hence, the charming illustration. You can find the story here, with translation by Mark Twain...
Die Geschichte vom Daumanlutscher

Up next was a truly delightful story about a little boy who won't eat his soup, and what happens to him in 5 days.
Die Geschichte vom Suppen-Kaspar

he he. We (my class) found them quite amusing.'s raining. again.
i think i'm actually ready for a bit of sunshine.


Wednesday, March 23


My pirate name is:

Calico Morgan Kidd

Often indecisive, you can't even choose a favorite color. You're apt to follow wherever the wind blows you, just like Calico Jack Rackham, your namesake. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from

Tuesday, March 22

So Sarah and I are upstairs studying. We can't focus, so Sarah gets on the computer. Before i know it, we're poking around and stuff, and she decides to write a post on my blog.

after 3 tries, the previous post is what i finally allowed her to publish.

she also started her own blog...but view at your own risk.
see sidebar...

arcinfishialnust (must sound out out loud) Do it. Now.

Colleen doesn't like me. She's mean to me everyday. She hits me sometimes.
Sometimes.... it hurts.... real bad. Then she blames it on me. She says: "She did it to herself! She's so stupid! She's just that stupid!"
And people shake their heads.
And they believe her.

Sometimes I play alone in my room with my plastic dinosaurs.
They're my friends. They're not mean to me.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night... and colleen's there... staring at me... and when I try to speak.... she hits me with her big fuzzy pink slipper! And I scream! And she tells me "only stupid people scream!" And it makes me sad.

Then she says: "Well how do you think I feel? Chummy?! Stupid little girl!"

She steals my carrot sticks. When I'm really hungry too!

And she feeds them to her dog.

And her dog just throws them up.

Not really... it really only sort of chews them and then spits them out. And so it's that much worse. Because then I sit there staring at them on the ground thinking "Well... it's only dog spit... it could have barfed them up... maybe they're still good."

But then I think about what colleen would say it she saw me do it...
so I don't do anything. I walk away.

So yeah. That's all.

a story, written by:

Sunday, March 20

Thanks for the prayers, all. i know they helped.
i'm afraid it's just one of those times i have too much to say to say it.

Andrew, i hope your weekend went alright.

lovely day today...

Saturday, March 19

my left foot

Thanks for the prayers for my toe everyone...needless to say it's still there, though wrapped up pretty well in a lot of gauze. Just glad it's over. :P
I did end up playing in the show last night...and it went really well. Just a couple of sound problems, but it was defenitely one of our best. Andrew was able to bring Tina, too, which was very fun. I don't even know if anyone took any pictures...hmmm.
Things are just a laugh a minute at my house today...My grandpa has beginning stages of pnemonia, my grandma had oral surgery on Wednesday, my sister has the flu, i'm hobbling around pitifully, and my dad is at a wedding today, with my mom working at home...

yeah that's all :P

Monday, March 14

me again

Was darf es sein?

I should be working on a drawing. Can't concentrate. I'm going to be up really late tonight...
I bought 2 boxes of my favorite girl scout cookie today. Samoas. One box i'm stashing in the freezer for summer. No one had better open them.
Grandpa fell again yesterday, and bruised himself' made him even weaker and more irritable than usual! yay! He's so grossly stubborn when it comes to using his walker. I don't blame him, i suppose. God forbid i ever live to be 90. He's also been coughing a lot...i hope he's not getting sick. My grandma's as silly and optomistic as ever, though. She drives me crazy, but at least i can laugh about it later. Today her 95-year-old cousin and best friend, June Petersen, came over to visit. She was driven over by her son William.
William? Petersen? Did i say William Petersen??? the guy from CSI? yes. yes i did. I'm one of those confusing distant relations to William (we call him Billy...his mom calls him "the star") Petersen. Kinda cool. I should probably try watching the show.
I went to the doctor today, and, once again, i'm getting my poor big Toe sliced open. You wanted to hear that, didn't ya?
Anyway, That's on i've got 2 whole days left to look forward to it! I started on some heavy-duty antibiotics today, and have a nice little supply of Vicodin to keep me knocked out for a day or two afterward. If it sounds over the top, i assure's very necessary. :P
I'll be missing our show on Friday, so my lovely sister is trying to learn all my parts in the songs to serve as a temp replacement for me. Perfect timing, huh? Picking the week of our first show since December to take care of my posessed toe?
We also have a new woman starting this week to help us out with G&G. Lord, i hope it works out!
Hmmm. So. that drawing. better get to it.
It's been such a weird week!'s only Monday...

Friday, March 11

breakin' in the rain

Tell me.
do you want to smile?

I mean really?
okay, then click here. (if you have quicktime).

In all seriousness...i've watched that over 20 times since i found it after reading about it in the LA Times. I guess it only plays on TV in the UK...but thank goodness for the internet!
Pip, Sarah and I, ironically, had planned on watching Singin' in the Rain the evening we all saw it. And we did.

I have a doctor's appointment to get my toe checked out on Monday...and i'm kind of freaked out. I might have to have surgery on it again next week. This'll be my 6th...maybe 7th time. It's getting old.
So...i'm not really looking forward to it.

But it'll be nice to be able to wear my cons again!

Sufjan Stevens' next album is coming out this summer! Pip sent me a neato link telling about it. I'm very excited. As you can see>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i'm quite enjoying "Michigan" as of late.

looks like another warm day...

Monday, March 7

hey andrew...

betcha can't do this...
that guy's got some awesome hair.

found on Dave's Blog.

Feeling better today, just trying not to think of all the German homework i have to do. I knew it would be tough...but i'm still surprised by how difficult it is for the information to "click" at this point in the game.
At least i've been able to provide Pip with some amusement. He has a German friend, and i've been giving him meaningless phrases to say to him. like...
Tag! Wie gut's?
Ich bin schwach.
Im gegenteil, ich mag das Arbeitslosigkeit.

Yesterday mom and i took care of G&G and did some gardening. I must have pulled out about 70 or so baby oak trees from the flower beds. I took a picture of a good handful of them...but have yet to upload it.
but i will. yesss....i will.

Saturday, March 5


I know it sounds awful, but right now i wish my grandpa would just die and get it over with and stop preying on my mother's fragile state of mind. Isn't that a terrible thing to wish for? especially when i don't know if he even knows the Lord...he's just so cruel and just horrible to my mom. And to everyone. He abuses peple...verbally and emotionally. As you've seen on merely a few occasions on here. I've stopped writing about it because it just gets too frustrating.

The other night my mom told my grandfather that the way he treated her when she was trying to help him made her feel "like a big old stool". Basically, a piece of shit.
"well that's what you are," he replied to her.

I wanted to slug him. I wanted to physically harm my 91-year-old grandfather. And i wanted to do it again tonight, when, as my mom was in the bathroom trying to tell him why he needed to bathe once a week, he told her to get out, go to hell, and stop making his life miserable. I was inches away from the bathroom door before i felt a resistance beyond myself to open it up and tell him how much i hated him.

How many people as stobborn and belligerent as my grandfather at 91 have a warm, comfortable home where he can be with his wife, his family, have 24 hour loving care, 3 hot meals a day, sleep, watch tv, and be waited on hand and foot?
It's very hard for me to want to do anything for him. When i give him a bowl of ice cream and yells at me for putting it in a small bowl, i want to shove it in his face. When he tells me what i have to say is "baloney", i want to scream right back at him. When he sneezes so loudly it makes my grandma jump in fright, and then laughs, i want to throw one of his many varieties of sweaters ha changes 7 times a day in his face.
He has no idea how lucky and fortunate he is.

I just can't wait to get out of here.