sunny rainy days

still terribly busy. but so thank-ful to be so.

trying to read a lot, and draw a lot. my drawing for elizabeth is coming along slowly, but surely...maaaaybe a progress post soon? anyone interested?

i am currently listening to a mix of Low, Fleet Foxes, of course Sufjan, various mixes from friends...plus the "yacht rock" and smooth jazz pip and andrew play at work...
i just finished a splendid book called The Goose Girl, and i am close to finishing Dr. Zhivago.

a lot happening in work and life...lots of creative opportunities (thank you, Lord) lots of wonderful people (thank you again) and all around blessings.

just the problem of inward ache. it's kinda bad right now.
but it's been worse.

Isaiah 49:8-13

⁸ Thus says the LORD:


“ In an acceptable time I have heard You,
And in the day of salvation I have helped You;
I will preserve You and give You
As a covenant to the people,
To restore the earth,
To cause them to inherit the desolate heritages;
⁹ That You may say to the prisoners, ‘Go forth,’
To those who are in darkness, ‘Show yourselves.’


“ They shall feed along the roads,
And their pastures shall be on all desolate heights.
¹⁰ They shall neither hunger nor thirst,
Neither heat nor sun shall strike them;
For He who has mercy on them will lead them,
Even by the springs of water He will guide them.
¹¹ I will make each of My mountains a road,
And My highways shall be elevated.
¹² Surely these shall come from afar;
Look! Those from the north and the west,
And these from the land of Sinim.”
¹³ Sing, O heavens!
Be joyful, O earth!
And break out in singing, O mountains!
For the LORD has comforted His people,
And will have mercy on His afflicted."

Tonight after prayer, after everyone else had left, Jordan was talking to us about his time in prison, and while he was in there the Lord led him to read the prophets...Isaiah, Jeremiah, &c... and those books that to him had always been about judgment and despair and failure, suddenly began to reveal their messages of hope and redemption.

i had just read the the above passage a few days ago. i understood exactly what he meant.
i thought it was pretty cool.

~~~

this morning

i was thinking about my friends who are suffering. seeing Pip last night and not being able to hug him enough...seeing my friend Ashlee today and wishing i could say something wonderful...thinking of Bettina, talking to Edan, my sister, praying for Laurel, my cousins, Amaris, Kristina, her sister, Searcy, Katie, Andrew, Mollie, the Bishops, so many...

and i said to God...

God, internal pain hurts. i can see it on faces. i'm almost finished with my first painting. and there are some new ideas percolating. we'll see.

Ephesians 2:4-8


~~~~~

Matthew 17:17 – Then Jesus answered and said …Bring them hither to me.

‘Have you a “him” about whom you are anxious? Bring him to Me. Have you a “her”? Bring her to Me. We can even turn the pronoun to “it”—thus crushing the burden of the state the world, the grief and misery that overwhelms us if we think at all—Bring it to Me. We can turn the word to “all”—the problems of our work with its cares and questions, and more personal cares and anxieties too—Bring all to Me.
‘And there are joys, too. Don’t let us bring only griefs and anxieties, but also thanks and praises.
‘Bring him to Me.
‘Bring her to Me.
‘Bring it to Me.
‘Bring it all to Me.”

~Amy Carmichael


Lord my spirit is pained and tired. i'm not afraid of what you are doing. i'm not. it just hurts.

~

"A double yoke"

I was up late last night in restlessness. This morning i woke up early instantly and could not get back to sleep no matter how long i laid in bed. Why couldn't i have done that the other 5 days i had to be up for school??

The air was cold. my jaw hurt. Before i even crawled from under the covers i was anxiety-ridden. Almost without thinking, i reached over to my bedside table and read this from Candles in the Dark by A. Carmichael and it pricked me. this could be written for me...but it could also be written by me, for so many i am praying for. you all know who you are.

"I am thinking so much of you. My prayer for you is that the peace of God may enter into your heart so that you will spread peace all round.
The only way I know that leads to this is the way of Matthew 11:29. Verse 28 has a word for you, too, but verse 29 is all for you. You have borne a yoke--sometimes a heavy yoke--but His yoke is easy and his burden is light, because we do not bear it alone. It is a double yoke. We are fellow-workers with Him in a new sense, when we give up making our own yoke and take His. It is a definite transaction between Him and our souls. "Take." He won't put it on us; He asks us to take. Then when we do, it is His yoke, not ours, thereafter."

Father it is so simple yet so impossible. You should force it on me...then i might get something done. ha ha...just kidding...

i'm in a starbucks in Orange and Allison Krauss just came on the speakers.

The rain has been amazing, the air is so cold, the sun is so clear, the light is so clean, the sky so deep and cloudy and blue...as i crested the hill to get coffee this morning my breath was taken away and i was almost too entranced to reach for my camera as i drove...


my week has been bittersweet... the rain and seeing awesome people was lovely. but i don't know what to do with my heart right now and i am cursing my inability to let the Lord take control of me and my desires. my insecurity has steered me this week...not my yoke with the Lord. and i am paying the price with headaches and little sleep...among other things.
yesterday i had a good long conversation with my friend Nick, and i was reminded of how faithful God is to let us know we are loved. i was also reminded of how much i'm going to miss LCAD when i graduate in May...but i can't think about that right now...!

oh i worry so much...about people i love, about my effect on people...about how i wish i could be stronger for people...and it's that worry that often causes me to pull myself away...because would almost rather never get close to them that to risk disappointing them...because i'm always afraid of disappointing people...because i'm always disappointing myself...

man, Satan's a jerk.

Yet despite all of this, The Lord has been faithful. He has pulled me out of so much, given me so much joy, pleasure and ability when i thought there was nothing left to strive for. One would think that would make me more able to trust him now, but no. because i'm a jerk, too.

so what of tonight...tomorrow...
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) has hovered in front of my eyes for weeks now, when i remember it, and that's what i need to do.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

oh sigh

it is so beautiful outside. i think i'll draw today. clean my apartment. then this evening is the closing reception for an exhibit i'm in at school.
but first i'll finish my coffee and ask for God to bless you, because i love you.

you know who you are.


~~~~~~~~~

Romans 7:18 – To will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not.
Philippians 2:13 – It is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure.
Phil 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
---------------

From Whispers of His Power by Amy Carmichael:

'Romans 7 is a description of our life as it was. It describes our life as it is whenever, even if only for one minute, we live the old self-life…the contrast between Romans 7:18 and Philippians 2:13 shows this glorious truth. I cannot, but God can. And so I can, and Philippians 4:13 becomes my experience.
There is nothing we can do of ourselves, but 'When I said My foot slippeth; Thy mercy, O Lord, held me up.' (Ps 94:18)

So—I cannot…God can…I can.'
----------------

Lord i cannot...please hold me up...

O Lord, do not rebuke me in
Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your hot
displeasure.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I am weak;
O Lord heal me,
for my bones are troubled.
My soul is also greatly
troubled;
But You, O Lord--how long?

Return, O Lord, deliver me!
Oh save me for Your mercies'
sake!
For in death there is no
remembrance of You;
In the grave who will give you
thanks?

I am weary with my groaning;
All night I make my bed swim;
I drench my couch with
tears.
My eye wastes away because of
grief;
It grows old because of all my
enemies.

Depart from me,
all you workers of iniquity;
For the Lord has heard the
voice of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my
supplication;
The Lord will recieve my
prayer.
Let all my enemies be ashamed
and greatly troubled;
Let them turn back
and be ashamed suddenly.

Psalm 6

it's near

Yesterday I was sitting with my family and we were talking about how insanely stressful and hectic life is. We do that a lot. I think it was my dad that brought up the passage in Daniel that speaks of the End Times, and how much it applies today. It's glorious yet chilling:

Daniel 12:1-4

1 "At that time Michael shall
stand up,
The great prince who stands
watch over the sons of your
people;
And there shall be a time of
trouble,
Such as never was since there
was a nation,
Even to that time.
And at that time your people
shall be delivered,
Every one who is found
written in the book.
2 And many of those who sleep
in the dust of the earth shall
awake,
Some to everlasting life,
Some to shame and everlasting
contempt.
3 Those who are wise shall shine
Like the brightness of the
firmament,
And those who turn many to
righteousness
Like stars for ever and ever.
4 "But you, Daniel, shut up the words, and seal the book until the time of the end; many will run to and fro, and knowledge shall increase."

The words, while wonderful, are terrifying. Will i be counted among the wise, or the righteous? Will i shine forever among those the Lord has lifted up?
How prideful that sounds...

Verse 4 speaks of the increase of knowledge. Note that wisdom is not what is implied. Knowlegde apart from wisdom is utterly and completely useless. And that is what this world is pursuing. Terrifying? Yes. Terrifying to the point of my becoming afraid of the Day of the Lord's coming? Not at all. The terror is that of anticipation. More expectancy than foreboding; the kind you feel when you know something amazing, something awesome is about to happen and there's nothing you can do to stop it...not that you'd want to. In the same way i can fear the Lord, I can be terrified of the end days. But that doesn't mean i cannot anxiously await and hope for them!!!