Saturday, May 29

The Lord is good

Tonight was amazing. Instead of a bible study, which we usually have on Friday nights, we decided to just have a prayer meeting because so many people were out of town for the holiday weekend. So it was 4 of my friends, my sister, my cousin, my parents, and two other people from my church, and we all shared our requests with each other.
Everyone, of course had something to share. No life is without some need.

It took some mustering up of courage on my part, but I finally told them about my struggles I've been having with the Lord. How I need to pray more, how I need God to be more real to me, because when I'm apart from Him, I'm at my worst. I've been very depressed the past few months...maybe years...I can't even remember when i wasn't, really. I do know it's gotten worse...and i know it's because I've been neglecting my walk with Jesus. Thank God i have such a wonderful family and amazing friends that share such a fire for the Lord's will in their lives.

And they all prayed for me, and I praised God for just letting me be there, so I could ask for their help, and so He could enter in and cover me with His love. it was wondeful. I pray the world will come to know what peace and hope the Lord can bring into the darkest of hearts.

And mine was so dark. I'm ashamed to say it. You know when you feel so angry and sad and despairing that you feel dirty inside? That was me...heck it still is me. I'm just so glad I can look to something besides myself to pick me up out of the filthy hole I've found myself in. It will take a while. I need the Lord's help so badly. It won't be easy. I need His strength.

Sigh. What a strange be so loved yet feel so hateful towards yourself all the same. It will be nice if someday I can look at myself and be glad with the person God has made me.

Friday, May 28

Nice Dream?

I was staying in a hotel with a whole lot of people... my friends, my family, some people from my church, and him, which was weird only to me. It was a gorgeous spot. In the mountains somewhere and very green and clear and woodsy. I wish I could remember the whole thing, but I can only recall short bits and shadowy know how it is, I'm sure.
I remember in particular two instances from my dream...

1) I'm in a bed, and there are a bunch of people i know in the room and we're all talking and having fun. Well, at least they are. I can only sit and think of how stupid I must look to the person I admire. Suddenly, he looks at me and points to the foot of the bed, and says that there is a spider, a mouse and a snake in my bed. Then everyone else sees them too, and I freak out and roll out of the bed and onto the floor. I soon see that the snake is only a baby garter snake, the kind I had growing up, so I wasn't freaked out by it. only the spider; I hate spiders.

2)Me and 3 of my very dearest friends, Pip, Kristina and Andrew are out on a hike on some overgrown and dark trail at night. Every once in a while, there are lit areas, as if from some unseen lamppost somewhere. The ambiance was very adventurous, and we were running along the side of a deep crevice, which, as I bent down to look inside of it, was actually a huge pipe that had cracked open at the top and I was looking down into it. It had been that way for a long time, I could see in the dim light that there were vines going up its insides and dirt and leaves caked onto the bottom. Just as I was thinking about how frightening it would be to fall into it, a noise to my left made me look over just in time to see Pip slide off the edge and down into the pipe. I yelled for Kristina and Andrew to come over and I tried to see inside the hole and call Pip's name. He woudn't answer. My mind reeled between thinking that he was dead at the bottom, or probably fine and just playing a joke. But it was so deep, I knew he couldn't have fallen without getting injured. Then I saw him. He was laying, barely visible, close to the wall. I knew someone had to get down to him, and somehow (this part gets fuzzy) it was me. The 3 of us found some big peices of cardboard or something, and I asked for Kris and Andrew to hold them while I was lowered down. For some reason or other, Andrew had a hard time cooperating and Kris had to yell at him before he would help. As I was being lowered in, I could hear other voices a ways away coming closer, and I couldn't tell if I was happy, because maybe they could help us, or apprehensive, because we would get caught. I finally reached the bottom, and I looked over and I saw him lying there, unconscoius. As i ran over to him, he began to wake up, and I could tell he was in pain. I helped him up I looked to my left to see a step ladder going almost all the way to the top of the crack in the pipe. I had to push him up the steps as he made his way up because it was so hard for him. When we got out of it, we all decided he had a sprained ankle, and it was really sad because now he couldn't play ultimate frizbee. Long story.
There's more, but I can't remember it well enought to type it. Weird. My dreams are so strange.

Thursday, May 27

This is me at the beach. It's the best one I can find at the moment. Posted by Hello


I'm not even sure if I know how to do this...
I'm still considering if I really want to add myself to the never ending list of people trying to make a difference, find a voice, be something new.
Why not?
It's better than doing nothing at all, plus I don't care really, if anyone reads my posts or not...I guess.
You will soon learn how indecisive I can be. It drives paople crazy. It drives me crazy...I'm 21 and I don't know what I want to do with my life!
I'm wondering what I'll do with a blog. I have a book I write in already...but only when I'm depressed. And that's no fun to read.
I always want to write. ALWAYS. Not only when I'm unhappy.