biola was an overwhelmingly deep pool of God's love, glory, and exhortation...a fact that has become more and more apparent, almost hour by hour since i came back home.
going online for the first time since returning from the retreat yesterday hit me with an immediate and surprisingly strong shock in that i realized how nauseated by this world i have become. the degradation of government, frivolity of hollywood, the idolatry of corruption, the blatant self-centered nastiness and worthlessness rampant on the time-waster that is facebook...
i find myself to be, at times, very impulsive. it is how i will write posts that a few hours later i delete. it is how i sometimes say things i immediately regret--and therefore often don't say much at all. it is how i wind up with shoes i don't like and shirts i don't wear.
yesterday i almost deleted my facebook account after being on it for all of 12 seconds.
then my brain (as it is finally beginning to do) kicked in before i acted on impulse and reminded me that facebook has provided me with vital networking, the ability to communicate with certain people, and also i am able to keep tabs on younger people i care about.
so i didn't. but i think i have a permanent averse-ness to it now, which is probably a good thing.
time to get going.
~
Showing posts with label frustrated. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustrated. Show all posts
Monday, July 13
Saturday, March 7
stupid stupid knee
i stopped running a year ago because i messed up my knee. on & off over the last few months i've gone out for a light run and come back disappointed. recently, feeling like trying again i went out and bought new running shoes. they're super awesome. so today, feeling restless, and needing some alone time, not to mention it was a gorgeous day, i decided i would take the first run i've had in a long while. so i put on my new shoes (which are black, and light as a feather) secured my knee brace, and went out the door.
a few minutes into it, i thought to myself "oh man, this isn't bad at all, i may have to take a couple of walk breaks, but this is great! i'm gonna be fine!"
i was in store for a very humbling experience.
after about 15 minutes my knee was hurting so badly i had to walk the rest of the 3 miles. i got angry every time i tried to quicken my steps and my whole leg protested. my pride bubbled as people jogged past me. and despite my fast walking pace, i
began to get cold as evening fell around me.
all in all...i was a very discontent figure making my way around the rose bowl.
i got home and put ice on my knee, and it's still there as i type this.
i'm very sincerely praying that this isn't going to be something that will always keep me from running...because i think i would be kind of heartbroken. i miss it so.
oh sigh.
but WOW it was a beautiful afternoon.
~~~
a few minutes into it, i thought to myself "oh man, this isn't bad at all, i may have to take a couple of walk breaks, but this is great! i'm gonna be fine!"
i was in store for a very humbling experience.
after about 15 minutes my knee was hurting so badly i had to walk the rest of the 3 miles. i got angry every time i tried to quicken my steps and my whole leg protested. my pride bubbled as people jogged past me. and despite my fast walking pace, i
began to get cold as evening fell around me.all in all...i was a very discontent figure making my way around the rose bowl.
i got home and put ice on my knee, and it's still there as i type this.
i'm very sincerely praying that this isn't going to be something that will always keep me from running...because i think i would be kind of heartbroken. i miss it so.
oh sigh.
but WOW it was a beautiful afternoon.
~~~
Friday, January 23
i felt like writing a little
there is a stamp of abraham lincoln on my left hand.i saw a band called Woven Hand tonight, and though it wasn't the most amazing show i've ever been to, there were a couple of songs that were some of the most fascinating music i've heard live. i'd listened to a few tracks a while back and really liked what i heard, but never followed up. yet seeing a band live always makes me appreciate them more; so needless to say i'm going to have to bite the bullet and by an album or 3. if only to find one song they played that seriously melted my face off. (why else would i be hiding it in the picture?)(which by the way is reversed. mac photo booth does that. the stamp really is on my left hand. i did not lie/am not confused)
*meanwhile*...
i finally have a picture of the painting i did for Tom and Jeannie...
i'm also starting the final stage of my new project for elizabeth...a portrait of her 5 children!! i posted a preliminary drawing i did a while back...
anyway here is the scary blank paper.i've actually drawn a lot since i took this...but you don't get to see it.
mom is slowly getting better...it's been 2 weeks since the surgery; and as usual she is working way too hard. here she is working on a drawing in bed...i took this last week.
the picture is of her being good...99% of the time she is not good...she is up far too much for someone who can't sit or stand and it's making me crazy because she is in constant pain. i can't wait for the next 2 weeks to be gone!! last night (actually, tuesday night) we watched the last episode of season 1 of the original Star Trek. looks like i need to buy season 2...
sunday afternoon i drove cam home from lunch and as i lounged in the living room with him, i sneaked a picture of him playing the guitar...his newfound object of devotion. i thought it was cute.
Monday was Jeff's 31st birthday. a gathering was had at Wren's for fajitas and family togetherness. after dinner we went next door to see his new floors, and Reid promptly made excellent use of them...
As you see, he aquired a substantial audience for his newfound breakdancing talents. their enthusiasm just oozes from the picture, does it not?
i was almost too tired to even go see everyone on monday...but i was also too tired not to, if that makes sense.
i wish i didn't get so stir-crazy!!! i live, work. eat and sleep here. it's becoming a bit tedious.
work for the past couple of weeks has been intense, as we have had a nearly impossible amount of production to do on characters and locations for the animated film we are working on...compounded with mom being so unwell. Lord, please let her sleep tonight...
i got back from the show about an hour ago and as he drove me home pip asked me what things i wanted to do, to get done, this year.
make more art
move out (SOON)
get a steady job doing something awesome
travel more...including going to more conferences
save $$$
...you know. the usual stuff. writing a book and learning to play the cello would be rad too.
i don't know. i feel like i'm where i'm supposed to be right now...i just wish i knew i was moving towards something. i'm trying to be better at praying that i'll make the most out of where the Lord has me...because if i can't do that i'll never be content no matter what i'm doing.
God has been telling me a lot of stuff. i wish i wasn't such a coward as to always keep it to myself.
~~~
Tuesday, August 26
morning coffee
hello there. it is a cool overcast morning in Laguna Niguel, and i'm drinking coffee...my new addiction. when i started hanging out with my friends last fall, they all went out for coffee all the time, and though i wasn't much of a fan, i went along. within a couple of weeks i remember thinking "hmm, this stuff isn't so bad" and i would order a small one. little did i know that by the next summer i would get major headaches and not be able to fully open my eyes without it!! oh cursed caffeine dependency...
anyway, i just left Dee's this morning. i'll take care of her nest week too, i'm pretty sure. my friend Katie Schmid came to take my place around 8am, so i got to talk to her for a little while. and that was wonderful. she is going to Italy in october and i am exceedingly jealous...
i'm kind of low lately. which i hate because i so badly want to be happy...the Lord is doing so much. but with specific situations just continuing to cause emotional pain and these stupid stupid dreams i keep having...i just can't let things go. last night i prayed that i could just let Jesus have these burdens...these thorns...and that (and 2 tylenol pm) helped me fall asleep a little bit better. i don't remember what i dreamed...yet...
i'm hoping to see my friend Drea today, who is dealing with some major struggles herself. i hope she will somehow come to see who God really is in her life through what she is dealing with. that He's not just some distant, apathetic spirit in the sky that doesn't care what you do with yourself as long as you are a "good person"...
i was also invited to an afternoon gathering at a nude beach. we'll see about that :P
~
i think that one of the most important things i have learned in the last month or so is that it is okay in life to fail at something...as long as it was something you were called by the Lord to do. i think of Amaris and the desperate situation she has been in for the last year...all the saturday morning women's prayer meetings where she would come and ask that somehow the Lord would tell her what to do with herself, so that she could make a living, pay her bills, just get by...
and week after week, month after month, nothing would happen. she wasn't making enough money at her job, she was feeling unfulfilled, and God seemed to be ignoring her.
a couple of months ago, she felt that the Lord was pulling her to move to the east coast. she felt it so strongly, that she put in her 2 weeks notice at Nickelodeon, moved out of her photography studio, moved out of her apartment, and planned to fly out within the month and be an assistant to an artist in conneticut.
but then, just before she was supposed to leave, she found out that what she was going to be doing in CT was not only completely different than she thought, but she wasn't going to be paid for it. moving suddenly became impossible...and now she was homeless, jobless, and without a place to make her artwork.
she was in near despair.
she thought that she was doing what God wanted.
why would He give her a calling, make her follow it, and then yank it out from under her feet??
to make a long story short...not only has she gotten her job back, but she received a totally unexpected promotion, is doing something much more involved, and is for the first time in her life, able to pay her bills. and she is writing her book, taking her pictures...and now just needs a place to live she she can move out of her mom's house. and she isn't worried...she is excited to see where the Lord is going to put her.
and if she hadn't followed His voice...and "failed" none of it would have happened.
it really cements the idea that God is writing a story for us...all we see is the conflict, the suspense, the doubt. there is no way to flip to the end and see how all the loose ends are tied together.
i thought that was cool.
~
mom and dad are in Hawaii for the week, so when i get home this evening i get to have the house to myself...partaay! aaawww yeah!!
last night Radiohead played at the Hollywood Bowl. a few of my friends have already updated their facebook statuses to reflect how ****ing amazing it was...
i will see them again. someday. i will!!!
for now i'll just content myself with Beach House and Pip's lovely music.
i really want to make more music.
i can't wait to start some portraits!
my coffee is almost gone...and i just spilled some on my computer...which i think is my cue to go and make something of myself.
first things first...i'm going to a bookstore to buy Breaking Dawn. don't judge me. you know that deep down you think Britney Spears is catchy.
well. aren't you glad that you sat and read all these ramblings?? don't you feel so much more smarter (grammatical error=on purpose) and aware of the world??
oh good. then my job here is done.
~~~~
anyway, i just left Dee's this morning. i'll take care of her nest week too, i'm pretty sure. my friend Katie Schmid came to take my place around 8am, so i got to talk to her for a little while. and that was wonderful. she is going to Italy in october and i am exceedingly jealous...
i'm kind of low lately. which i hate because i so badly want to be happy...the Lord is doing so much. but with specific situations just continuing to cause emotional pain and these stupid stupid dreams i keep having...i just can't let things go. last night i prayed that i could just let Jesus have these burdens...these thorns...and that (and 2 tylenol pm) helped me fall asleep a little bit better. i don't remember what i dreamed...yet...
i'm hoping to see my friend Drea today, who is dealing with some major struggles herself. i hope she will somehow come to see who God really is in her life through what she is dealing with. that He's not just some distant, apathetic spirit in the sky that doesn't care what you do with yourself as long as you are a "good person"...
i was also invited to an afternoon gathering at a nude beach. we'll see about that :P
~
i think that one of the most important things i have learned in the last month or so is that it is okay in life to fail at something...as long as it was something you were called by the Lord to do. i think of Amaris and the desperate situation she has been in for the last year...all the saturday morning women's prayer meetings where she would come and ask that somehow the Lord would tell her what to do with herself, so that she could make a living, pay her bills, just get by...
and week after week, month after month, nothing would happen. she wasn't making enough money at her job, she was feeling unfulfilled, and God seemed to be ignoring her.
a couple of months ago, she felt that the Lord was pulling her to move to the east coast. she felt it so strongly, that she put in her 2 weeks notice at Nickelodeon, moved out of her photography studio, moved out of her apartment, and planned to fly out within the month and be an assistant to an artist in conneticut.
but then, just before she was supposed to leave, she found out that what she was going to be doing in CT was not only completely different than she thought, but she wasn't going to be paid for it. moving suddenly became impossible...and now she was homeless, jobless, and without a place to make her artwork.
she was in near despair.
she thought that she was doing what God wanted.
why would He give her a calling, make her follow it, and then yank it out from under her feet??
to make a long story short...not only has she gotten her job back, but she received a totally unexpected promotion, is doing something much more involved, and is for the first time in her life, able to pay her bills. and she is writing her book, taking her pictures...and now just needs a place to live she she can move out of her mom's house. and she isn't worried...she is excited to see where the Lord is going to put her.
and if she hadn't followed His voice...and "failed" none of it would have happened.
it really cements the idea that God is writing a story for us...all we see is the conflict, the suspense, the doubt. there is no way to flip to the end and see how all the loose ends are tied together.
i thought that was cool.
~
mom and dad are in Hawaii for the week, so when i get home this evening i get to have the house to myself...partaay! aaawww yeah!!
last night Radiohead played at the Hollywood Bowl. a few of my friends have already updated their facebook statuses to reflect how ****ing amazing it was...
i will see them again. someday. i will!!!
for now i'll just content myself with Beach House and Pip's lovely music.
i really want to make more music.
i can't wait to start some portraits!
my coffee is almost gone...and i just spilled some on my computer...which i think is my cue to go and make something of myself.
first things first...i'm going to a bookstore to buy Breaking Dawn. don't judge me. you know that deep down you think Britney Spears is catchy.
well. aren't you glad that you sat and read all these ramblings?? don't you feel so much more smarter (grammatical error=on purpose) and aware of the world??
oh good. then my job here is done.
~~~~
Friday, August 22
my brain is trying to subvert me
know what i get tired of?
making a willful, concerted effort at trying to put burdensome, distracting, saddening things out of my mind all day...keeping busy to avoid idleness...praying and reading at night until i can't keep my eyes open to keep from dwelling on said things (which, at times, takes hours)...only to have them permeate my dreams at night.
so it's all i can think about the next day...as i ponder the multitudes of images and interactions i so vividly experienced while asleep.
maybe i'm doing something wrong. :\
~
making a willful, concerted effort at trying to put burdensome, distracting, saddening things out of my mind all day...keeping busy to avoid idleness...praying and reading at night until i can't keep my eyes open to keep from dwelling on said things (which, at times, takes hours)...only to have them permeate my dreams at night.
so it's all i can think about the next day...as i ponder the multitudes of images and interactions i so vividly experienced while asleep.
maybe i'm doing something wrong. :\
~
Thursday, June 26
yeah i could use a beer.
at first, i thought it might be kind of cool and freeing to be without a cell phone for a few days.
no.
no no no.
it wouldn't be so bad if i was in pasadena, because at least my family would be there, along with the house phone. but instead i'm in laguna beach, living by myself, without even a land line phone, and no internet access (i have it right now b/c i'm in my studio)...only being able to get in touch with people where there is a hot spot or i can find someone to let me use their phone. aaagh it's terrible! i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow...someone i know is having a party...how will i co-ordinate anything?? what if no one can find where i am??
i'm feeling physically anxious right now. good grief look what technology had done to me!!
i'm all salty because waves attacked me today. Danny and i went plein air painting on the beach. and i sat on a really big rock and did a stinky little painting that got so wet i couldn't use the oil paint anymore. but it was really lovely. we visited a guy named john who has birds. Danny is kind of in love with parrots and cockatoos. this guy here that he's so involved with is named Harley...
Harley spent years living in an Albertson's truck, so he will randomly spout off on tyrades, saying..."the engine won't start! the truck's not going anywhere!" or "damn pedestrians!" mostly, while Danny and i were with him, he said "sup, bird" and mumbled in gibberish that was so ridiculous, Danny and i doubled in laughter.
then we went painting.
feet
as you know, yesterday i went to the norton simon and then mes amis came over for dinner.
here are alec, liz, tiffany and elizabeth all looking at books over dessert...
today is Liz's birthday, and everyone's gathering together or something so i'm going to finish her card and head over in about 15 minutes.
oh sigh
i'm very restless and discontent right now. somebody slap me. no seriously, if you see me freaking beat me up!!! it'll make me feel better!
~~~
no.
no no no.
it wouldn't be so bad if i was in pasadena, because at least my family would be there, along with the house phone. but instead i'm in laguna beach, living by myself, without even a land line phone, and no internet access (i have it right now b/c i'm in my studio)...only being able to get in touch with people where there is a hot spot or i can find someone to let me use their phone. aaagh it's terrible! i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow...someone i know is having a party...how will i co-ordinate anything?? what if no one can find where i am??
i'm feeling physically anxious right now. good grief look what technology had done to me!!
i'm all salty because waves attacked me today. Danny and i went plein air painting on the beach. and i sat on a really big rock and did a stinky little painting that got so wet i couldn't use the oil paint anymore. but it was really lovely. we visited a guy named john who has birds. Danny is kind of in love with parrots and cockatoos. this guy here that he's so involved with is named Harley...
Harley spent years living in an Albertson's truck, so he will randomly spout off on tyrades, saying..."the engine won't start! the truck's not going anywhere!" or "damn pedestrians!" mostly, while Danny and i were with him, he said "sup, bird" and mumbled in gibberish that was so ridiculous, Danny and i doubled in laughter.
then we went painting.
as you know, yesterday i went to the norton simon and then mes amis came over for dinner.
here are alec, liz, tiffany and elizabeth all looking at books over dessert...
today is Liz's birthday, and everyone's gathering together or something so i'm going to finish her card and head over in about 15 minutes.oh sigh
i'm very restless and discontent right now. somebody slap me. no seriously, if you see me freaking beat me up!!! it'll make me feel better!
~~~
Monday, June 2
la premiere framboise de l'ete
randomness from the last week or so...
my friend Tonya's good-bye party at the Yard House...she went back to Russia on Friday...
saturday..."practicing" for Pip's show...
i haven't taken cloud pictures in a while...
aaand Pip's show. at the El Cid last night...
it's starting to be warm and lovely
the first raspberry of summer...
feet. and my favorite shoes.
Alec and Sarah got home from Texas today...
we ate and shopped at this crazy place in Glendale where they have a trolley, and a big fancy fountain, and just about every kind of shop and venue you can imagine. i didn't even know it existed before today...
at 16:00 there was a water show that was choreographed to Louis Armstrong's "it's a wonderful world".
a few feet away from me a little girl was standing with her dad, was enthralled by the spurting, swirling jets of water. she remained in rapt attention through the whole song, a smile on her glowing little face, the afternoon breeze picking up strands of her hair in a halo around her head...
it made me really happy.
weird thing:
i can't find my ipod, so yesterday i was rifling through the cds in my car and found a blank disk in an unlabeled case. i remembered that one of my friends gave me a mix cd a few weeks ago! so i popped it in...and it is beyond fantastic. problem is, i can't remember who gave it to me. so i'm very frustrated.
"wow colleen!" you're saying..."if that was the pique of my frustrations, i would be so happy!"
and to that, i reply, "well, you're right. unfortunately, it is not the foremost frustration in my life. i have just decided to focus in it instead of, for example...my anxiety about getting a job...and the fact that my knees don't work anymore..."
ok. all jesting aside, the Lord has been really good this week, in the midst of frustration. so i just want to thank Him for that.
oh if only i could just draw people for the rest of my life. sigh.
we'll see...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
saturday..."practicing" for Pip's show...
i haven't taken cloud pictures in a while...
aaand Pip's show. at the El Cid last night...
it's starting to be warm and lovely
the first raspberry of summer...
feet. and my favorite shoes.
Alec and Sarah got home from Texas today...
we ate and shopped at this crazy place in Glendale where they have a trolley, and a big fancy fountain, and just about every kind of shop and venue you can imagine. i didn't even know it existed before today...
at 16:00 there was a water show that was choreographed to Louis Armstrong's "it's a wonderful world".
a few feet away from me a little girl was standing with her dad, was enthralled by the spurting, swirling jets of water. she remained in rapt attention through the whole song, a smile on her glowing little face, the afternoon breeze picking up strands of her hair in a halo around her head...
it made me really happy.
weird thing:
i can't find my ipod, so yesterday i was rifling through the cds in my car and found a blank disk in an unlabeled case. i remembered that one of my friends gave me a mix cd a few weeks ago! so i popped it in...and it is beyond fantastic. problem is, i can't remember who gave it to me. so i'm very frustrated.
"wow colleen!" you're saying..."if that was the pique of my frustrations, i would be so happy!"
and to that, i reply, "well, you're right. unfortunately, it is not the foremost frustration in my life. i have just decided to focus in it instead of, for example...my anxiety about getting a job...and the fact that my knees don't work anymore..."
ok. all jesting aside, the Lord has been really good this week, in the midst of frustration. so i just want to thank Him for that.
oh if only i could just draw people for the rest of my life. sigh.
we'll see...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, April 24
Capstone Tomorrow
colleen is very very not happy about talking in front of people.
my studio all cleaned up...
head drawing...
Tracey picking lemon-herb chicken flower bouquets...
a somewhat current photo of the Nick painting...bad color, etc...
i can't work on it anymore today...i'm just too frustrated!!! agh!
so tired. i think i'm going to drive back to my apt and eat soup and try not to worry about tomorrow...
before you go, you should really check this out...CLICK HERE! RIGHT HERE!!
and this...courtesy of Pip...
amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
head drawing...
Tracey picking lemon-herb chicken flower bouquets...
a somewhat current photo of the Nick painting...bad color, etc...
i can't work on it anymore today...i'm just too frustrated!!! agh!
so tired. i think i'm going to drive back to my apt and eat soup and try not to worry about tomorrow...
before you go, you should really check this out...CLICK HERE! RIGHT HERE!!
and this...courtesy of Pip...
amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, March 7
do you actually read this...?
or are you just here for the pictures?
just wondering.
well, i tried running with the knee brace today...and it actually felt pretty good!
until i took it off. right now my left knee hurts like the dickens.
some bad pictures of some of my crappy stuff...
i have been having a terribly hard time with my painting of ashlee...that girl has most amazing skin...
it is also impossible to paint. i have been looking at Klimt, some Bouguereau and a lot of Waterhouse...they did amazing paintings of fair-skinned women, it is helping a bit...
very tired today. physically and mentally. this week was mid-terms...reminding me that i only have until the end of April to finish everything...the paper...my paintings...
i'm getting really tired of people talking big and not doing anything.
maybe it's just a reflection on myself...but i'm weary of it just the same.
Lord help me to let things go...
~~~~~~~~
just wondering.
well, i tried running with the knee brace today...and it actually felt pretty good!
until i took it off. right now my left knee hurts like the dickens.
some bad pictures of some of my crappy stuff...
i have been having a terribly hard time with my painting of ashlee...that girl has most amazing skin...
it is also impossible to paint. i have been looking at Klimt, some Bouguereau and a lot of Waterhouse...they did amazing paintings of fair-skinned women, it is helping a bit...
very tired today. physically and mentally. this week was mid-terms...reminding me that i only have until the end of April to finish everything...the paper...my paintings...
i'm getting really tired of people talking big and not doing anything.
maybe it's just a reflection on myself...but i'm weary of it just the same.
Lord help me to let things go...
~~~~~~~~
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