seeing what is hidden

you know what?
peace can come at very very strange times. like right now, in the midst of a lot of upheaval...i am feeling a measure of peace i have not felt in...goodness...almost a year...??

the only annoying thing is that because i am so ridiculously emotional and sometimes hopelessly irrational, the peace ebbs in and out...but it is getting better. i know tears are not finished...yet that is just what it is to be colleen.

yesterday i met in bittersweetness with a dear friend. sitting at a Starbucks on the shores of Laguna we danced around the proverbial elephant for nearly 4 hours. "life is still weird" he said, with his head in his hand. at one point i shared with him something Amy Carmichael wrote:

"Our God does satisfy. i think sometimes He has to draw us into strange experiences in order that we shall prove Him to the uttermost, for some purpose out of sight.
For what is He preparing us? It is all hidden, we have only hints in the Gospels and in Revelation. 'His servants shall serve Him'--where? how? But this we do know: never a pang of disappointment or loneliness or pain (there are many kinds of pangs) but may be turned to minister towards a perfecting of power to serve--first here on earth, then Otherwhere."
~Candles in the Dark

Our discussion turned to the goal of God's preparation for our lives, and he asked what we could possibly be prepared for that would be used in heaven...instead of here...
i said in all honesty that i didn't know. we have no idea what is in store for us. the effort it takes to try and forget the representations, both visual and lyrical, that have influenced us concerning our afterlife over the centuries--Baroque churches, El Greco, Dante, even our beloved Clive Staples--makes it nearly impossible to believe in something about which "eye has not seen nor ear has heard".
but it think it is worth the headache.

The wedding is just over 2 weeks away. The house is overflowing with chaos, fellowship, short tempers, laughter, smiles, frustration, exhaustion and love. even in this case, sometimes the "goal" of all this activity can seem hidden, despite how obvious it is. we just sometimes forget to remember it...and instead focus what really will have no importance whatsoever once August 8th is come and gone.

Grandpa Floyd said in his message on Sunday that God often appears weak...He doesn't force us to do anything.
However, Satan does...and so seems to have the upper hand.

God's seeming weakness is our opportunity to allow Him Lordship by our constant submission to His hand. Trusting Him is an active thing. our relationship with Jesus is called a "walk" because it takes movement on our part. i forget that even waiting on God is an active thing...requiring trust and stepping out...


even if it's in blindness...


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more from the show...

thank you auntie Robin <3





my beautiful muses...Edan and Ashlee...




don't laugh




what makes me happy about this last one, is that Ashlee totally wasn't meaning to stand like she did in the painting. :)



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whelmed-over II

yesterday i posted that a person i know at school was hospitalized. his name was Jeff Pan, and he died last night. he was a talented guy with many friends. he had just turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. Dad taught him twice.
Edan knew him...i wish there was something i could do to comfort him and it makes me ache. i didn't really know Jeff...he was in a completely different major than me...but i am still so stunned by this.
and other personal things going on...

i just rubbed out the face on my painting of nick...
i can't look at it. i wish i could walk away from it for a couple of days...
but i'm starting to panic because we are hanging the show tomorrow morning...yes...i said tomorrow morning...
and this painting still needs another solid week of work on it. i don't know what to do. i can't paint today.
my brain is not working.
only a miraculous surge of energy and ability from God is going to help me now...i won't be getting any sleep tonight.

again, prayers would be most appreciated for me and everyone around me. there is a lot more, but i always hesitate to get too personal on this blog (believe it or not). so i guess that's all...


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Edan's birthday (the 10th)

lovely ladies...that's Ashlee, the model for my 2nd painting on the left...

heyyyyy...


yeah rock band...

the light of morning peeks through...







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i heard my first Tupac jam last night

here's that underpainting i slapped on so begrudgingly last friday...


my friend Beau (not McFarland, this guy is a total art hipster to the MAXX) had a "March Mustache Madness Retrospective" party Saturday night...and i went nuts and made 20 'staches on sticks (because some of us are not as blessedly endowed as others)...


apparently, they were a hit :). I'm waiting for someone to get pictures out there so i can post some...

Sunday morning Blondie (the dog ) had puppies...


she got to have some ice cream...


She gave birth to 9, but they lost 2 of them :( so she's got a lovely, healthy litter of 7.

The Ashlee painting is about 90% finished!!! here's a crappy picture!!


last night i was in my studio until 1 a.m. in turns painting to 90's hip hop that my friend Robin was blaring, and talking to Danny. i'm really going to miss it here...

a few more in-process peeks at Nick...



we just had the reception and awards ceremony for the Student show where my painting of Edan is displayed and i won an award for it :) along with about 10 of my other friends. so that was excellent.


today is Edan's birthday, and his party starts at 9. it is 8:33. i should probably leave soon.


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it's a wonderful life that you bring. it's a wonderful thing.

So my presentation actually went pretty well this morning.

i am so so very tired today. it's my own fault, as i was up until 3am this morning doing very geeky things. i now have an alter-ego Karta Mal'kyla, a Bothan with feats of running and force-sensitivity (among other things). and i know how to handle a blaster rifle. apparently i'm lacking in charisma (bad roll...but i make up for it in dexterity).
i love being in art school.

i'm in my studio...i wish i could take a nap in my bed and then paint...but an hour of driving would not help me now i think.
i'm also hungry. but there is no food here. i just ate 6 stale pretzels and thus depleted our nutritional store entirely...there's still some coffee candy...

it's very lovely out today...i should sit in the sun for a bit before it's gone.

tomorrow night a friend of mine from school is throwing a "March Mustache Madness Retrospective" party. so that should be pretty amazing, considering the time is slated at 9pm-5am...

Pip's birthday is on Sunday (big 25)...
Edan's is on Thursday (epic 30)...
Anna just had hers on the 31st (pretty 24)...

i've been researching MFA programs...is it worth the two more years and gazillions of dollars...? i don't know. it depends...i do know i don't want to stop learning yet. and maybe someday i'll be brave enough to really see myself teaching at some point.
it's not like i have any big commitments holding me back from anything. i'm not the one getting married this summer (cough*Sarah*cough) and i'm not trying to hold down a job.
maybe i will study language and literature in Ireland...

My world is revolving to the music of Nick Cave, Beach House, Joanna Newsom (left) and The Chapin Sisters. i suppose they are all quite melancholy and/or dreamy...but that's just how i'm feeling lately. thinking a lot about running tirelessly. of skin, flying machines and soft touches. of orange flowers, love and silver leaf.

yesterday and today i have been a bit out of sorts. certain things in my life just won't let me go...i'm having a hard time being content. i hate fear because it cripples me. i hate loneliness because it drains me. i hate doubt because it makes me apathetic. i hate feeling like i'm missing something from my life because God has given me everything i need...
...but Lord what about something tangible to cling to...

for the first time i'm getting worried about where this world is going. mostly because i really want to have children someday (Lord willing) but not if things keep spiraling downward the way they are. i guess it's not up to me.

i don't know if i'll do much painting today. i'm going to force myself to do an oil sketch of Nick onto my final canvas and maybe that will get my blood flowing a bit.

i want to write a novel.

i really would like to sing a lot more.


where's my palate...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

okay...

just a few things...firstly, my painting of Edan got into the school show. so that's exciting...here is a picture of it as it is right now...i have 2 small adjustments to make on it before i will officially call it "DONE" but it's pretty much there! look at how lovely he is...standing there all brooding and grumpy... ;)

The Ashlee painting thus far...still *lots* of work to do...(bad color & subtlety in photo, &c...)


aand here's a pastel i cranked out in about 2 hours tonight. and i'm sorry, but the color isn't NEARLY as rich and vibrant in this picture as it is in real life...aag. moving on...
we have another day on it still...but i think i don't want to do much more...except for the head. (the photo is cropped in...)




okay. c'est tout. i'm thoroughly tired but i need to drive home (OC) and work on a paper tonight for class tomorrow.



man, the Beatles are so freaking AMAZING


night!

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think of a wonderful thought

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
~ C.S. Lewis

how often does our life feel this way...?
...i think about this quote a lot. Quite a lot. especially when i am hit with the almost uncontrollable urge to fly.
yes, that's exactly what i said. sometimes i want to fly so badly i almost feel like i'm crawling out of my skin.

yesterday i was musing to Edan about how, at times, i could compare my thirst for flight to a desperate thirst for water. not being able to quench it feels unnatural, wrong, sometimes almost excruciating.
to which he replied: "I can fly."
i ignored him. "seriously, though...i really think--"
"I can fly," he said again.
"no you can't! i just wish--"
"yes I can"
i let out an aggrivated sigh. how dare he interrupt my lofty expoundings??
"I can! I can fly!"
"No you--" Suddenly i realized he was telling the truth. Sort of.
"Oh yea," i said. "You can fly a plane."
"yup!" he replied triumphantly.
"that doesn't count."

i have had so many dreams about being able to fly. sometimes when i can't sleep i imagine what it would be like to fly from my apartment so school, or to Pasadena where i could surprise my sister. i can be the star of my own heroic adventures...
i once thought up a pretty elaborate graphic novel about someone who discovers they can fly...but i never even drew a single picture. don't you dare steal that...i may just try to flesh it out someday!
i'm a little bit obsessed with it. but i don't talk about it much because...well, what's the point? at least being overly interested in things like clouds, cheese or Quenyan can serve some purpose to something...in that at least they exist...

anyway. this week i have badly wanted to fly. and it's been really frustrating because sometimes i literally feel like i'll explode. it's a terrible itch, a burning in my chest, a rock in the pit of my stomach...
if i could just push myself a few inches from the floor...


that's all i guess.
i'm going to go home now and draw all night. tomorrow's going to be fuuun...



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artsy updates

Thanks to my dad, i have a camera today, so i could snap some pictures of what i'm up to...

i decided to change the face on my painting of my friend Ashlee...so here's the start of a new head study. i'll be using the same pose so the face is the only thing i need to re-figure. thank God.

tonight i drew this in class...a 3-hour pose. i like some things about it...

aaand Edan is coming along nicely. i wish the picture wasn't bowed and the color was more accutrate, but you get the idea...



in other news--wait--oh, crap...American Idol results are on in 15 minutes!! i gotta get home!


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stuff

Edan painting coming along...this is a very bad photo, color is all wrong, perspective is askew but oh well...

start of the drawing for my next painting of ashlee...

lay-in...

watercolored 24 valentines yesterday and gave them out to my friends. this is a sheet of 12 before i wrote on them...



um...

i have decided i am hopeless and i don't understand anything anymore.


awesome



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so far so good

Here is my painting of Edan so far...keep in mind the color is, in reality, more intense, and the photo is a bit glared where i haven't yet added medium.
i'm very happy with it. lots more to do, though. but that's okay. last night he came into my studio wearing the same shirt, so i got to paint some of it from life...so exciting. someday i'll get to paint actual people from life and i will be so happy...! in about 45 minutes i'm heading up to the main campus to photograph my friend Ashlee for a possible painting and tomorrow i'm hoping to photograph Nick. and there are about 20 others i want to paint too, but we'll see. :P

it's warmer today, i can go outside without 3 layers and a scarf. there were little orange flowers on the hills on my way into Laguna this morning. i made an audible happy sound in my car, even though i was driving all alone.



tonight i get to draw a naked guy. whee!!



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this morning

i was thinking about my friends who are suffering. seeing Pip last night and not being able to hug him enough...seeing my friend Ashlee today and wishing i could say something wonderful...thinking of Bettina, talking to Edan, my sister, praying for Laurel, my cousins, Amaris, Kristina, her sister, Searcy, Katie, Andrew, Mollie, the Bishops, so many...

and i said to God...

God, internal pain hurts. i can see it on faces. i'm almost finished with my first painting. and there are some new ideas percolating. we'll see.

Ephesians 2:4-8


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OMG

hi.


I like it when it rains because it makes things amazing.

green back on the hills

silver water

Working on a painting in class...

preliminary drawing of Edan for a life sized figure painting...slightly blurry and glared...


Pip had a STELLAR show on Friday at the No Future...in which we witnessed the debut of his new project:
The Secrets of All Hearts On Earth




Saturday there was a lunch for the women at church...it was absolutely lovely. The speaker was a woman named Shirley Peters, and her message on Grace was very timely. Laura especially enjoyed it.

Mother and Daughters...






Saturday was also Alec's 24th birthday!! complete with a small gathering of some of his work and art center mates. David, his old roommate, was there of course:

Sarah made a super duper coffee and chocolate 3-layer cake...







and Dancing. there was some rad dancing...that's Alec's other friend Dave on the right...

Pip was there too, he's just not in any of these photos.


ooohkay back to work...


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