Monday, November 29


Sunday, November 28

"It was by the Grace of God you didn't die last night."

Funny, how i knew something was wrong before i even opened the door.
Pip, Sarah and i got back from Amoeba last night and walked into the house to find my grandma hollering from her chair in the living room, and my mom and dad rushing back and forth. "He fell!!!! He-he-he's on the floor-oh, God, oh God...someone please get me up!!!!" my grandma was saying panicked and brokenly, trying miserably to push herself out of the chair, shaking and crying. "Mary Jane, you're not going anywhere," my dad came out and told her, "the last thing we need is you falling, too." My mom rushed out of the hall and passed us with a bloody towel in her hands. "He went right through the window," she said as she rushed by. "Could you guys get the dogs out of here??" my dad said to us. "Damn it damn it damn it!!!" my grandma shreiked.
This all happened within about 3 seconds.
Pip and Sarah went into the back of the house to pray as i ran around with my parents and my uncle (who was here visiting last night), trying to calm grandma down, get clean towels, and make room for the paramedics who were streaming throught the door. Huge men in fire uniforms crowded around my grandpa, who was sitting on a chair in the bathroom, my mom cradling his head in her arms, pressing a cloth to his temple. She was crying.
"was he aware when you found him?"
"do you have any neck pain?"
"did you get dizzy?"
"what were you doing when you fell?"
I went back to the living room. My grandma was standing up, supported by one of the paramedics. "I know him, and i need to be in there. They would not get me up! They don't care! I need to know! They just left me here, and did what they wanted to do. I have a right! They always do this! She's so authoratative. She never listens to me. I need to talk to his doctor. i hope they're taking him to huntington. They're taking him there, right? He was a doctor there, you know. A very good one. we know a lot of doctors there. It's where we always go. Oh, Colleen! will you get me over there?"
Keep in mind, that was the condensed version.
I told her NO! we're not dealing with you right now! Please sit down and be QUIET! Then my dad came out. Grandma continued to yell at me as i walked away. I went back to the bathroom as they took him out, his head wrapped up in gauze and a brace around his neck. As they cleared the doorway, i looked into the bathroom and saw the head-shaped hole in the middle of one of the panes of glass lining the wall, cracks going out on all sides, shards and blood smeared on the floor. I could hear my grandma and my dad hollering out in the living room. Grandpa was put onto a gurney. Grandma kept yelling inanely. They covered him with a tarp so he wouldn't get wet (it was raining), and rolled him into the entryway where Grandma was waiting, trembling, with her walker.
"You come home to me, okay?" She said weakly.
He paused for a moment, his bandaged head looking up at the ceiling,"What else can I do?" he said softly back to her.
My mom bent over him and said, "I just want you to know, I love you, dad." as she kissed his cheek.
And they rolled him out.
Dad and my uncle went behind them to the hospital.
My mom made my grandma dinner, and prepared plates to take to dad &c.
Imagine grandma's fury when she found out they weren't taking him to huntington.
"It's CLOSED, grandma. They're not accepting people!"
The yelling didn't stop. My grandma went on to accuse my mother of being nasty, authoritative, selfish...I won't even write about that. I yelled too. My grandma sobbed in my mom's arms by the end of it.
Mom left. Pip and i decided to continue with our plans to meet Kristina and her friend for dinner, even though i had completely lost my appetite. Sarah stayed home to be with Grandma.

Pip and i arrived at the resteraunt about five minutes earlier than when we had decided to meet, around 8:00. So we told the hostess we'd wait for them to get there, about 5 minutes. I was still shaking, a bit bewildered and not looking forward to having to act happy to see two people i'd rather not have to deal with at the moment. But we waited. We talked. 10 minutes passed, 15, 20, 25...we tried calling her, but she didn't pick up. We told the hostess that we'd go ahead and sit down. As we sat there, Andrew called me and told me some new phrases he had learned in Italian. He was genuinely excited. It made me laugh. After about 10 more minutes we ordered food. I didn't really want to eat anything, but i also didn't want to be rude and be the only one not eating. We were at a resteraunt, after all.
When we were about half way done, and wondering if they would even come at all, they walked in the front door, and saw us. Stina walked over with a guilty smile on her face, "sorry we're late." She said.
That was all.
Stina introduced Pip to...her friend...and they sat down. We handed them menus. oh, no thanks. They were'nt going to eat, they said. There was an akward pause. I stared at my plate full of food i didn't want. "Maybe we should have met at a coffee shop or something," i stated and looked at Kristina. She shrugged, and ordered an iced tea.
The next 20 minutes were spent in scattered conversation, forced laughter, and lots of staring at food and sipping our water. I drank a lot of water.
Stina ate some of my rice and i had the rest packed up. We paid. They left. Pip and i sat there for a minute for no reason, really, and then we left.
As we drove to his house, i sat and played the night's various scenarios through my head. I worried about my grandpa. I worried about what this would mean for my family as my grandparent's can't be left alone. I thought about how tired my mom is. I worried about Kristina and her situation and tried not to think about how pissed off i was at her and instead think about how much i loved her. I worried about how behind i am in school...
Pip asked if i wanted to come in. I said sure. We goofed around on his music stuff for a while and he ate some Mochi. Around 11, i left. I think i left my food in his car.
When i got home, i helped grandma to the bathroom and had to tell her FIVE TIMES i didn't want to talk about grandpa, and the hospital, and how mean my mom was, before she finally shut up. Grandpa came home that night. With stitches and a new set of ground rules...he can't do anything without his walker anymore. No carrying things, no fiddling in the bathroom, no getting my grandma her pills...nothing. He's too unstable.
He and my mom yelled about it more this morning as she got him to wash himself. She told him she didn't care anymore if he didn't like her or not as long as he was safe. Because he should have been killed last night. "I was by the grace of God", she told him, that he got by with only four stitches and a banged up shoulder. I stayed home from church and helped her rearrange the tables to make things "walker accessible", and clean out their bathroom, do dishes, and tke care of our new dog (we got a puppy two days ago. A lovely little light in the misdt of the chaos!).
He's so sad. Just sad. Depressed. I don't blame him. He can't even do the little things anymore.
Ugh, i smell. I'm going to go take a shower.

Thursday, November 25

Happy Erntedankfest!

Just let me know if my German bothers you.
I've been cooking since 9 am. It's been quite satisfying dressing Turkey and layering apple pies to Bob Dylan and Elliot Smith.
I added some new blogs i've come across; some i've been visiting for a while. They're definetly quality.
I still have trouble spelling definetly.

Just thought i'd share the love. (:

Wednesday, November 24

Jesus Freaks

Last night at Art Center my professor showed us some interesting websites.
She designs websites for a living (aside from her teaching) so she's always got new and interesting things to inspire us.
Just for fun, she showed us a site called, that deal with the art of using not only the words, but incorporating typography visuals and sound. One such creation is called "The Last Day of Betty Nkomo", and for some reason i found it fascinating. It's intense, in some ways; i won't say too much about it. But if you go to it, make sure your volume is low, if it needs to be. If not, crank it up, because the syncronization of the words and the music is really beautiful. here you go!

So guess what? i actually wound up going to the Billy Graham Crusade after all. On Saturday morning i went to Pip's house to practice and he asked if i was going. I hadn't planned on it. Why didn't i go? hmm, interesting idea. Okay, i'll go!
That's kind of how it happened. So around 6:00 Pip, Andrew and his USC posse, and my sister all came to the house and we walked down to the Rose Bowl. It's nice living so close, it only took us about a half-hour and was much more refreshing than sitting in traffic with gazillions of cars. We walked across the golf course turned parking lot and past the picketers holding up signs reading "Billy Graham=Hell" or something like that. I guess no public event worth it's salt can take place without a close-knit bunch of angry protestors on it's skirts.
When we found our seats just as the program began, the place was about three quarters full. As the "hip" Christian bands began playing i kind of zoned out, i admit. I don't know, i found it hard to get inspired by a bunch of guys running around on stage screaming like maniacs how much Jesus loves them. At one point Pip turned to me and said "I wonder what it's like for the people that haven't been to one of these since 1965".
Once Third Day got up things calmed down a bit. They played a few older worship songs i could actually sing to, and that was nice.

By the time Billy Graham showed himself, the entire place was packed. I'm not kidding. every seat even behind the stage was taken.
His talk wasn't stellar. Just simple and palpable...which i guess was exactly what people needed to hear because when the altar call came it took about 10 minutes to completely fill the football field in the center of the stadium. I'm talking thousands of people. There was so little room there were people saying the sinner's prayer in the aisles. It was both awe inspiring and unnerving.
Anyone who reads this...please pray for these people. Now is the time for the enemy to get his foot in the door. May they all continue to grow in wisdom and the Lord's joy.
The walk back was equally nice, Pip Sarah and i singing Christmas carols a lot of the way, trying to keep the cold out of our jackets. About 5 minutes after we all returned back to our house, it began to pour. That was lovely...until we decided to go out to dinner. And for that account, i will use a portion from Andrew's blog concerning the same event...
"After that we went to Dinner at a Thai place called Chandra's- but the ride there was the real experience... something you could really sink your teeth into, if you know what I'm saying. It was pouring rain, and my Cadillac was loaded down with six poeple all squishing each other. I couldn't see the lanes on the street, the windows were fogged up like crazy, I was frantically trying to wipe down the rain that was pouring in the side window (which I had open so I could see and in a half-hearted attempt to de-fog the windows), Don was weeping, back-seat drivers were earnestly trying to direct me, people were honking and all throughout Mike Escoto was taking flash photography inside the car. Awesome. Needless to say, we made it- and thank God the rain subsided by the time we were done, cause I would not have wanted to go to LA in those conditions."
I'm proud to say that i was one of those back seat drivers.

Ich brauche gehen nach arbeite. I hope that means what i want it to mean.
Keeping it real...

Friday, November 19

Crickets, Quotes and Prickly Prayers

I can hear the Billy Graham Crusade out my open window.
Faintly, but it's there all the same.
Rejoicing music, praise, cheers, singing...
It made me smile. I'd love to go.

The traffic coming out of the Rose Bowl is going to be terrible tonight. :P
That wasn't cynicism by the way...just observation.
You know, fill space...

There are crickets everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It's disgusting. I really hate bugs that can jump...seriously.They're not even the neat black ones...which i can mimimally tolerate. No, they're the ugly horrid nasty yellow ones that blend in with everything and jump on your feet and make you scream. Or just me.
My grandma tries to squish them with her cane, and my grandpa does his part by yelling at us to keep all of the doors closed all the time. There's always one mashed on the nice new floors somewhere. uuullllg.
The other day my grandma said to my dad:
"I kill crickets right and left. There are plenty out in the back yard if you want to shoot em."
After a pause ahe continued, mostly to herself:
"I want to find out if they're valuable to the environment before I kill them all."
Definitely a new classic quote by grandma.

I'm making a birthday card with Lude Jaw, i mean Jude Law all over it for Sarah. She's 20 on Monday. WOW...
I need to figure out where i want to go to school.

I'm very confused.
I still have a stomachache.
Today's Friday. We're not really having a Bibly Study...just prayer and singing. I wish i didn't feel so freaking antisocial.
Sometimes i just want to strangle people to their senses.
Mostly myself...especailly right now...

What a _______________week.

I can't even think of the right word to justify it...

Tuesday, November 16

no way.

wow. This just made me laugh...which is good...because it's been such a strange week. I've been one of those haywire irritating emotional people i dislike so of those who just permeate their surroundings with their spiteful brooding. Not that i was trying to be spiteful. Just unable to gracefully channel the frustrations that came my way. That's something i've had to work on for a while now. They say the first step to success is admitting that you have a problem...blagh.

Anyway, i think some people in this country have far too much time on their hands. That and their priorities are way screwed up. Either way, no one will ever convince me to eat sushi made of soybeans.

Sunday, November 14


Well, i was going to try and write something of some depth but i just spent the last hour or so walking my grandma around the backyard. Then i made her lunch. I listened to her babble about the flowers and the ferns and i got to pull some weeds. She poked at dirt clods with her cane and raved about how lovely her ginko tree was. I learned about oxalys, iris's, the proper way to trim a fig tree...half the time i admit i wasn't even listening. Just nodding and giving the occasional "mm hmm". She didn't notice, of course, and talked and talked and talked. It makes her happy.
It's a very large yard and consequently very overgrown because of the lack of attention in the past year. But my mom is determined to set things straight again, now that we're living here. She's already done a beautiful job with the front. Yet somehow my grandma still finds reason to complain to her about how she's doing everything wrong or whatever.
oh well.
at least it's a beautiful cool evening. the combination of the evergreens and the red and yellow trees glowing outside right now is glorious.
it's this time of year when it's cool and cloudy and the trees are ablaze that i can stand living in California!
yuck. got to go to work.
How do you tell someone something they don't want to hear?

Friday, November 12


What a blessing, Andrew. Thanks for sharing...

Tuesday, November 9


As i type i can hear the cupboards opening...shutting...opening...shutting...
He's been at it for nearly 30 minutes now.

This morning was the third morning this week that my grandpa got his and my grandmother's medications mixed up.

There was a lot of yelling and grandpa screaming he didn't do it, my dad yelling that he did and my mom crying and trying to be gentle. It went on for 5-10 grandpa calling my parents liars for saying that he got the medications mixed up, ordering my dad to get out of the room and mind his own business (bad idea) grandma telling them to leave him parents attempting in vain to warn them of the seriousness of the situation...
...this morning was the worst as he put both of their medications ALL at my grandma's place. It got so bad i started shaking and i had to put down what i was holding. I'm so sick of all the yelling.
We don't know why he's all of a sudden doing this...but it's been worrying us. It's the caregiver's job to put the medications out...but now he's starting to ignore that rule. So this morning after the "intervention", we decided we had to hide their pill boxes. He's been in the kitchen searching feverishly for them ever since. I just heard him open the oven for the FIFTH TIME. He's looken in the freezer, the refrigerator, the washing machine, the trash can, the dishwasher...
"I...I've got to find...where...where did she put the pills? where...where...I've got to find..."
Thumping around with his cane. muttering. thumping. muttering...

He can't see, and his memory is shot. Heck, the guy's 90. So he's just circling, circling circling.

We know he'll eventually sneak back into the back of the house where my family stays...he does it to make sure all of our windows are closed, or that our heat is turned up to sweltering we're having to be very tricky where we hide them. We're this close to putting deadbolts on our doors.
It's so bizarre. It's like a comedy situation or something...but when it's's not quite as funny.
It's a matter of life and death.


I just finished mounting an assignment for my Art Center class...i have to drive out to Disney to get my mom to print out another one for me. I really like the class. It's extremely challenging...but so far, i've been able to keep up with it. Which is an amazement to me. It's my other classes i'm worried about...he he...
At least i'm keeping up in German. Also an accomplishment.'s probably because i like it so much! But no one else likes it when i speak it. It's like they can't understand me or something...
My dad just informed me that we're hiding the pills behind the bookcase.

So it's come to this...

Monday, November 8

For the record...

Last night i dreamt (dreampt??) that Bill Clinton died in a firey plane crash over the coast of Florida.
Just for the record.

Sunday, November 7


please pray for anna.

Saturday, November 6


Last night i had some very strange dreams. One i can only remember in 3 parts...and it might be kind of boring. But you don't have to read it...

DISCLAIMER...the thoughts and/or actions of the "me" in this dream narrative do not necessarily represent the thoughts and/or actions of the "me" of waking life...

I was over at Kristina's house (or maybe she was over kind of looked like her house) late at night and we were talking, maybe watching a movie or something...i don't quite remember what we were doing but we did it for a while.
I finally was getting tired and i told her i needed to go to sleep. She looked at me and said "well what am I going to do? I'm not meeting the people from my bible study for another hour..." I thought to myself, "oh, i guess i'm just a time killer until she meets her REAL friends..." so i guess we decided to go do something.

Somehow we ended up in some sort of outdoor shopping plaza thing that was all hi-tech and snazzy, and i wanted to go into a beauty supply store to find some styling stuff for my hair. Now that's weird because i never do anything to my hair. Buuut it's a dream so...
Stina and i walk into the store which is sterile, kind of glowed with a green hue and had high vaulted ceilings. I think the walls were made of was very "futuristic". The latest in hair technology lined the numerous shelves and i looked around the room. Some guy who worked there walked up to me and asked if i needed help. He was about as tall as me (5'8) and had blonde spiked hair, glasses, artsy-chic clothes and all the jazz you expect someone to wear who would work in a place like that. I explained to him what i was looking for..."something to make the waves in my hair more defined, bla bla..." and he flamboyantly, yet aloofly steered me toward the counter, where behind it were the most recent shipments and he handed me a tube of some olive green gunk that looked like minty foot scrub and told me that it was exactly what i needed.
I decided to pass.
I looked around and noticed that Kristina was gone, so i left the store.
I saw her a little ways off with her back to me and when i reached her she had just finished talking to someone on her cell phone...and she was crying. i asked her what was wrong and she told me that her get together with her friends was cancelled, and she was mostly upset because it was supposed to be at her house that night and it didn't work out. We decided to go back to her house.
When we got there, we went into her room. But it was nothing like her room in that it was very empty...just a bed, desk and rug. There was a lamp giving some low light, making the room feel both cozy and somewhat brooding at the same time. We opened the door that led to the hall to find Stina's sister, Rebekka, and a friend in sleeping bags on the floor. They were bickering and poking and hitting each other. Stina went to talk to her parents and as i waited in the hall Rebekka and i got into a HUGE argument about something. I don't recall it's subject. I just remember i was fuming!
The dream fades after that.
Probably because i suddenly heard a doorbell ring...

I woke up and stared at the wall. It took me a couple of seconds to realize that i actually HAD heard a doorbell was the sound of my grandparent's call button that they push if they need help.
We're getting wood floors put into their room this weekend, so they slept in my parent's room last night. My mom was sleeping all the way in the living room on the couch and my dad was in the office with the door closed. Good thing our bedroom door was open a crack and i'm such a horribly light sleeper...Sarah and Acacia didn't even stir.
I soon understood that i was the only one that had heard it.
I got out of mass of hair wild around my head, stiff and dizzy from rising so fast, and walked across the hall to the room G&G were sleeping in.
Just to make sure i wasn't going crazy and hadn't really heard anything at all, i put my ear to the door to see if there was any sound in the room. Sure enough, i heard my grandma calling my mom's name in her feeble voice. I opened the door and asked what was wrong...grandpa had fallen, grandma told me. I looked over in the dark to his bed, and he was snugly tucked in...wondering why i was in the room. I looked at their clock... it said 5:01. Grandma was sitting up on the side of the bed going on about how he slipped, fell, couldn't get up, so she pushed the call button, etc etc...
I went over to him and took his hand...
"Are you okay, grandpa?"
He reached up toward me to see who i was, "It's Colleen, " i said.
"Oh...yes...i'm fine."
After a minute or so I went back to grandma who was trying to stand up to use the bathroom. "He's okay grandma." She turned the lamp on next to her bed...which blinded me for a few minutes.
She asked him about 5 more times if he was alright before he nearly started yelling at her, "Yes I'm FINE! I'm not HURT!!" and to be quiet and go to sleep. I helped grandma use her potty chair and got her back into bed, talking to me all the time. I made sure the bathroom door was open the right amount, that their night light was on, that they were warm enough...and i tucked grandma in.
"Thank you, darling," she said to me.
"You're welcome, good night." I turned out the lamp.
Blind again, i left the room to find my way back to my own bed, tripping over piles of my sister's clothes and stepping over Acacia. I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep...but it wasn't quick! The room was getting light again before i finally dozed off.
Even then, my dreams were even more confusing. Not that that's unusual or anything.

Friday, November 5


Why do i always find myself feeling jealous of people for the wrong reasons?

(not that there are good ones)


Thursday, November 4

oh bother

It's funny how screwed up one's head gets when one loses focus, isn't it?
I feel like i've been really my family, to my friends, to myself. Of course most of my reasons for my discontent haven't written about. Because to me, they make sense...but to everyone else my woes are pitiful, at best. And...they're right. That's another reason. I'm a bit embarrased about it. All i want is to feel sounds easy, doesn't it? You know you shouldn't look at things a certain way, or you need to change the way you feel about why is it so impossibly...impossible? I don't feel a whole lot different...i still want to scream every so often and cry my brains out...but i'm trying to figure out how i've gotten this way. It's mysterious and shameful. I don't know.
I think i need to stop writing about myself so much. But what else do i do with a blog? So confusing...
I HAVE found out one thing...talking to people is good. Too bad that along with this strange rut i'm in i've developed such a phobia of plesant conversation.
In other news...
i finished the next cd project pip and i are doing...a "random mix". It's awesomely sweet.
we're getting another dog next month :D
i overheard my grandpa telling someone i didn't have any brains today!
sweet guy.


Wednesday, November 3

Here is me at the show last friday...sort of.
getting ready to hydrate my singing voice.

I really like this picture...
slow shutter speeds are my friend.

Tuesday, November 2

Wouldn't you know it?

I just typed a whole page and the computer crashed! :D
Today is the election. Thank goodness it's almost over!!!
Yes, i voted. I even have my sticker to prove it. It says "I voted" how appropriate!
Something i am very grateful for is my lack of anxiety about the outcome of this election.
It's wonderful to be able to trust that everything will turn out the way it's meant to, that it's all in the Lord's hands....if only i could just apply that to my own life!

I'm just about getting my fill of sign-waving brawling sreaming angry freakish demonstrators who would shank their own mother in her sleep if she was part of an opposing party. Or the rows and rows of houses adorned with Bush or Kerry Banners. Here in LA i feel like we really get the brunt of it.
When i started this, Bush was ahead in the electoral votes 34-4 i think.
Now Kerry is ahead 77-66.
Anyway, what i especially will not miss is the bombardment-by-television. I don't even watch tv. But my grandparents have it on 24/7 so i can't help but be constantly hammered with propositions, news reels, conventions, Kerry this and Bush that, politics politics, VOTE OR DIE ads, bla bla bla...
Bush is ahead again, 89-77.
Unfortunately, i can't see the division in this country getting any better no matter who wins.
Holy Cow! 102-77 already! matter who wins. If Bush wins, all of his "fans" will have a field day...make that a field 4 years...out of voicing their ever-increasing discontent...many people won't support him no matter what he does. If Kerry wins, we'll never hear the end of "flip flop" digs, and controversies about his veteran days. Again, nothing he will do will be right in the eyes of some.

Didn't i just say i wouldn't worry about it?
See that's the problem with me.
156-108, Bush. 270 needed to win.
this is too exciting for words.

Off to my Art Center class i go! Maybe i'll post from there.
now 153-112...hmmm. interesting.

Monday, November 1

Main Street

Eating Caramel Apples at Disneyland on my birthday. I'm on the far right next to me is my sister Sarah, Laurel and Katie.
What a lovely day!

(kind of a weird picture of laurel...)