sunny rainy days

still terribly busy. but so thank-ful to be so.

trying to read a lot, and draw a lot. my drawing for elizabeth is coming along slowly, but surely...maaaaybe a progress post soon? anyone interested?

i am currently listening to a mix of Low, Fleet Foxes, of course Sufjan, various mixes from friends...plus the "yacht rock" and smooth jazz pip and andrew play at work...
i just finished a splendid book called The Goose Girl, and i am close to finishing Dr. Zhivago.

a lot happening in work and life...lots of creative opportunities (thank you, Lord) lots of wonderful people (thank you again) and all around blessings.

just the problem of inward ache. it's kinda bad right now.
but it's been worse.

Isaiah 49:8-13

⁸ Thus says the LORD:


“ In an acceptable time I have heard You,
And in the day of salvation I have helped You;
I will preserve You and give You
As a covenant to the people,
To restore the earth,
To cause them to inherit the desolate heritages;
⁹ That You may say to the prisoners, ‘Go forth,’
To those who are in darkness, ‘Show yourselves.’


“ They shall feed along the roads,
And their pastures shall be on all desolate heights.
¹⁰ They shall neither hunger nor thirst,
Neither heat nor sun shall strike them;
For He who has mercy on them will lead them,
Even by the springs of water He will guide them.
¹¹ I will make each of My mountains a road,
And My highways shall be elevated.
¹² Surely these shall come from afar;
Look! Those from the north and the west,
And these from the land of Sinim.”
¹³ Sing, O heavens!
Be joyful, O earth!
And break out in singing, O mountains!
For the LORD has comforted His people,
And will have mercy on His afflicted."

Tonight after prayer, after everyone else had left, Jordan was talking to us about his time in prison, and while he was in there the Lord led him to read the prophets...Isaiah, Jeremiah, &c... and those books that to him had always been about judgment and despair and failure, suddenly began to reveal their messages of hope and redemption.

i had just read the the above passage a few days ago. i understood exactly what he meant.
i thought it was pretty cool.

~~~

i can't find my camera

the black hole of my house has claimed another somewhat irreplaceable (considering there were pictures on it), and very expensive victim. it's been 2 weeks and i'm kind of going nuts without it...the clouds and trees on my street have been so BEAUTIFUL!! :(

sighhhhhhhhh


in the meantime, i want a cat with a neurological disorder.

description: "this is my cat bebe...he's a little on the handicapped side"


~

proposing truth

There are so many things that are difficult about being a Christian who is serious about God's word, and who Christ has called us to be in this world.
One of these, as anyone can attest, is being persecuted for our faith...being mocked and abused for our silly, "outdated" and "bigoted" beliefs.

Lately there has been another burden on my spirit.
For me there is also the pain of knowing that people around me who i love very dearly, who are not the Lord's, are also, in some cases, are feeling persecuted by us.

Don't worry, i know that this is essentially not true. (except where you do see the crazies on "our side" who act out in hate)
But i guess that one of the many stirring and eye-opening aspects of being close to people who are not saved, is seeing things from their point of view. A fallen one, granted, but it would be the exact way i would look at things if God had not already revealed Himself and His ways to me.

Because, to put it simply, The Lord's ways are not fair.
they are only right.

Why should my moral views make any sense to someone who doesn't believe in absolute truth? or in the sacredness of the Bible?
What does it mean to them what marriage symbolizes, and why it even exists...?

I have a friend who i care for very much who i went to school with. He is a talented artist, a generous person, and a genuinely kind and lovely human being. he has encouraged me and supported me and confided in me. He is also gay--which makes no difference in how much i love him. i don't even think about it. But it does drive an invisible, yet very solid line between us. It is a line that i have not yet had to try and cross, but the way things are going these days...

Yesterday he wrote a "note" on facebook (kind of like a blog post) for everyone he is "friends" with to read. It struck me deeply, and is a big part of what prompted me to think about all this.
Before i go on i'll let you read it for yourself...

Prop 8 Allegory

"What do you think an artist is?" Picasso once responded during an interview. "An imbecile who has only eyes if he's a painter, or ears if he's a musician, or a lyre at every level of his heart if he's a poet, or even if he's a boxer, just his muscles? On the contrary, he's at the same time a political being, constantly alive to heartrending, fiery, or happy events to which he responds in every way."

A friend called the other day and asked what "Yes on Prop 8" meant, and I told her. She said that there were dozens of people, dressed in yellow on Aliso Creek Road holding up signs that read "Restore Marriage" and cheering. Entire families, children absorbing their parents anxieties, learning how to see in black and white, learning that it's dangerous to see all those colors.

"That's what I thought," my friend responded. "That's fucked up." She said that she and another friend of mine were going to throw things at them, have a meeting of the Reptilian minds. I laughed and cried at this. My own feelings on the this perpetual debate have always been fragmented, since I first learned of it at the age of 14 when it was called Prop 22 and I naively assumed that civil liberties was just something that the modern world all kind of agreed upon. I remember being at Moonlight beach, surfing with my best friend during our freshman year of high school when I asked his opinion and he told me that he didn't think they should get married, "because it's gross."

I have felt angry and wanted to throw things myself, when I have seen them standing on the corner there, all the yellow merging into a single form. I wanted to yell in their faces about how wrong they were. My mind was detached and primal, they felt so separate from me, their prejudices so foreign.

I took a rose from my car that had been given to me the night before and that I had not removed from its place on the front seat. My throat felt swollen and dry as I walked up to the yellow beast. It pulsated there in front of me, thinking it was everything that I was not and daring me to prove it otherwise. I searched the moral behemoth and found a woman inside of it, writhing. She was a mother, I saw, with a son of about 9 years old who had prominent ears that he will undoubtedly later pay for.

Maybe it was her that first connected with me, or maybe it was him, or maybe it was his protruding ears that captured my attention and allowed me to pick them out especially from the flood of signs. "As the world becomes more horrible, art becomes more abstract," Paul Klee had said. I went up to the woman and gave her the rose and an accompanying smile. She asked if I would like to join them, and I declined politely and looked again at her son, who could so easily have been me. I gave him a wave before walking away, and I felt like a real artist.

Oh how grateful i am that i can be certain of God's power and authority and perfect judgment...because if i were in this with any doubt, i would crumble.
It would be so easy to say i just didn't care. If i love this guy, why should i stand in the way of his happiness...?

because i don't want him to DIE.

Because if i didn't love him as much as i do i wouldn't care.

All this emotion, all this very real real pain and love and anger and passion he is feeling and expressing is all leading him straight to his death.
This sensitive, dear man who has such really beautiful intentions in what he wants to bring to this world...in spite of his genuineness, his nobility, his earthly wisdom...is wrong. And the enemy is daily covering him in more and more velvety, soft, justifying darkness.

i am not ashamed about what my convictions are. i am not afraid of them and of what people will do to me, because it is not my welfare that matters, it is God's.

but i don't want to lose anyone...

i am completely overwhelmed.


And i ask for all of you to remember that while there are, indeed, millions of people out there full of blind hate and devoid of reason...
There are also those that love and care and believe they are doing what is right and good. All they can see in us is hatred and ignorance...it's the only way they can make sense of or justify it.

Please, please pray with me that Christ can touch the lives of these dear souls and reveal to them what is truly worth fighting for.

~

sometimes life is like singing
sometimes you sit and people watch


and sometimes you're just barely hanging in there



~

where'd they go...?

man, just when you think you have 4 more months until one of your dear friends moves away forever, you find out you only have 4 days.
tonight i'm going to a good-bye gathering for my friend Phill who is moving back to new jersey this week, not in december as originally planned. i found this out yesterday. at the good-bye for my friend Beau (see the 11th) Tiffany cried her eyes out after he left. (don't tell her i said that) i can't imagine what tonight will be like. it still hasn't hit me.
i baked a banana bread for the occasion.

anyway...a few things...

hanging a "wish" on a tree in Old Town, part of Yoko Ono's art installation of...well, wishing trees. you know, for world peace and crap.

alec and sarah opening wedding gifts on sunday before they left on their honeymoon

pip and i being mysterious

andrew and i being hipsters


i probably won't be posting much (if at all) for the next 5 days or so...i'll be working as a caregiver for a woman who has Parkinson's monday thru wednesday. her name is Dee and she is lovely. prayers are appreciated...for this and many other things. :)

this last week has been a daze...i can't believe how fast time is going by...!! summer will be over soon (nott he heat, but the season...)
caid said "pepper" today...!

i have a bunch of stuff in my head to write about but i'm all jumbled. :P

be a safety nut.

love, colleen


~~~~~

where is the joy

"I once wrote that God always answers us in the deeps, not in the shallows of our prayers. Hasn't it been so with you?
One of the hardest things in our secret prayer life is to accept with joy and not with grief the answers to our deepest prayers. At least I have found it so. It was a long time before I discovered that whatever came was the answer. I had expected something so different that I did not recognize it when it came.
And He doesn't explain. He trusts us not to be offended; that's all."

~Amy Carmichael

i really really love the way Amy Carmichael words her thoughts.

Lord i have not been accepting with joy.
i was at first, before the weight set in, before other matters overwhelmed me...but i admit it has been one of those "impossible" things. despite Your having provided so much...
what does it matter that i feel peaceful when my feelings are stable?
as i wrote before, the peace should come when the ground shakes. literally and figuratively.

oh so much to learn. so far to go...

Jesus would You heal the wounds of my family...and those around us...
would You provide Grace abounding in the coming days and weeks...
let Your joy flow out in spite of suffering...and so be that much more glorious and undeniable...

Psalm 9:1-20~~~thank you Kallista


~~~

sometimes God whispers. sometimes He speaks. and sometimes He yells in your ear with a megaphone on EXTREME FULL BLAST

hi.
how are you?

i've been better, but i've also been worse.

yestarday i went for a walk with my aunt Wren and we talked about current events in our respective lives. i was telling her at one point how i'm not asking God to re-do anything, i'm not asking Him to take it away, i just want my heart to change so i can get past the ache. i just want particular things in my life to just end, just finish up already.
i am weary of the ups and downs. i wish i could just be hopelessly depressed until it passes, or that my heart and feelings would just change to i can reach the end of this and move on. to be able to look back, see why it had to happen, and be able to thank the Lord for it. i know i will be there at some point...i know because i have already experienced it...but oh, if only i could be there now...!! to reach the conclusion of all this!

Wren said almost immediately, "The thing is...this is the end."
i was quiet. did i understand what she just said?
"God's purpose is right now," she continued. "The lesson doesn't come later, right now is the goal." she laughed a little ironically; she was speaking to herself as well. "This is where you are supposed to be. Not when it's all over; the goal is right now."
i wept inside of me.
now?
right now?
but right now...sucks...
i realize as i write this that i kind of chose to just not think any longer on what Wren said. it just wasn't pleasant enough. we were almost back to my parent's house. i told her that instead of going to Laguna that evening i would be staying at her place that night...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this morning i woke up with strange dreams still playing in my head. i got ready for the day, grabbed a couple of books, some coffee, and i went and sat in Wren's dining room. one of the books i had in front of me was Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, which i hadn't opened in a while.
Wren came in and said that today she had to go to Archives, among other places. i sighed, "oh, i looove Archives!" i picked up My Utmost and said lightly, "that's where i got this."
Wren glanced at the book and said tiredly, "if you read something good, read it to me," and left the room. i opened to today's date, and began to read. this is what it said:

~~~

AFTER OBEDIENCE - WHAT?
And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side. . . ." Mark 6:45-52 We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end. What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God. God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end. God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.

~~~

"It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God..."

When Wren came back into the room i said to her, "You will laugh when you hear what today's reading had to say." She smiled at me, "really??" I looked down at the page in front of me, "It is exactly what we were talking about yesterday. Seriously...it's hilarious." She sat down across from me and waited for me to read it.
when i finished she was laughing quietly "wow!' she said. "that's...! i had just been thinking about that...!"
"i know"
"I'm going to have to write that down..."
"i know"
she took a pencil.
"i don't even read this every day..." i mused.
she looked around for a blank spot to write on.
i sat in silence.
"What's the date, on that..." she asked, still looking down for a place to write.
"Today. July 28th," i said with a small laugh
"wow," she half-whispered

"i know"
~

i always take it for granted that when God speaks to me it will result in happiness and overwhelming peace and hope. i suppose it should, no matter what. but i admit i am not feeling very hopeful right now. i still have that desire to either be broken, or be through. to stop this darn PROCESS!!
i guess that is what He is trying to work out in me. in which case i had better find some contentment...find some calm in the now...whether i'm in a state of peace or despair...
in a way i always knew this.
a lesson i have already learned...
was i pretending i didn't...?


that's probably why He had to yell at me.

Your whispers, Lord...please now grant me your gentle whispers...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~novel thought~

i really need to stop relying on certain things to happen in order to be happy. i need to stop depending on other people to make me feel worthwhile, because people are faulty. no one has necessarily wronged me...i'm just still so very insecure. i really rediscovered this over the last day or so. and i'm achey.
the Lord was so good at Oakbridge. i hope i can apply even a fraction of His Word to my life. how do i begin to comprehend it...? how do i weave it into places where i still feel so much conflict...

i'm tired right now so that's probably not helping my melancholy.

pictures &c soon...

~~~~~~

...

portrait drawing i did in my very last class yesterday...

i'll post disneyland pictures tomorrow







i'm sad very very sad.

it'll be okay but right now i just wish Jesus would make everything go away
i'm hurting and grieving and scared. i shouldn't be...it's not fair to my Heavenly Father. but i'm disobedient and stubborn.

in the long run, that's probably why i feel this way.

Lord i'm so sorry.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~

whelmed-over II

yesterday i posted that a person i know at school was hospitalized. his name was Jeff Pan, and he died last night. he was a talented guy with many friends. he had just turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. Dad taught him twice.
Edan knew him...i wish there was something i could do to comfort him and it makes me ache. i didn't really know Jeff...he was in a completely different major than me...but i am still so stunned by this.
and other personal things going on...

i just rubbed out the face on my painting of nick...
i can't look at it. i wish i could walk away from it for a couple of days...
but i'm starting to panic because we are hanging the show tomorrow morning...yes...i said tomorrow morning...
and this painting still needs another solid week of work on it. i don't know what to do. i can't paint today.
my brain is not working.
only a miraculous surge of energy and ability from God is going to help me now...i won't be getting any sleep tonight.

again, prayers would be most appreciated for me and everyone around me. there is a lot more, but i always hesitate to get too personal on this blog (believe it or not). so i guess that's all...


~~~~~~~~~~~~

whelmed-over

here are some pictures of me presenting on Friday (painting of Nick very unfinished)...

i am madly getting myself ready for my show wednesday. probably won't sleep much in the next 3 days...and i'm already exhausted.

lots going on...lots of people in trials and under pressure...just found out that one of my classmates has been pronounced brain-dead after being sick with pneumonia...it's really hard to stay focused. please pray...!

updates later...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it's a wonderful life that you bring. it's a wonderful thing.

So my presentation actually went pretty well this morning.

i am so so very tired today. it's my own fault, as i was up until 3am this morning doing very geeky things. i now have an alter-ego Karta Mal'kyla, a Bothan with feats of running and force-sensitivity (among other things). and i know how to handle a blaster rifle. apparently i'm lacking in charisma (bad roll...but i make up for it in dexterity).
i love being in art school.

i'm in my studio...i wish i could take a nap in my bed and then paint...but an hour of driving would not help me now i think.
i'm also hungry. but there is no food here. i just ate 6 stale pretzels and thus depleted our nutritional store entirely...there's still some coffee candy...

it's very lovely out today...i should sit in the sun for a bit before it's gone.

tomorrow night a friend of mine from school is throwing a "March Mustache Madness Retrospective" party. so that should be pretty amazing, considering the time is slated at 9pm-5am...

Pip's birthday is on Sunday (big 25)...
Edan's is on Thursday (epic 30)...
Anna just had hers on the 31st (pretty 24)...

i've been researching MFA programs...is it worth the two more years and gazillions of dollars...? i don't know. it depends...i do know i don't want to stop learning yet. and maybe someday i'll be brave enough to really see myself teaching at some point.
it's not like i have any big commitments holding me back from anything. i'm not the one getting married this summer (cough*Sarah*cough) and i'm not trying to hold down a job.
maybe i will study language and literature in Ireland...

My world is revolving to the music of Nick Cave, Beach House, Joanna Newsom (left) and The Chapin Sisters. i suppose they are all quite melancholy and/or dreamy...but that's just how i'm feeling lately. thinking a lot about running tirelessly. of skin, flying machines and soft touches. of orange flowers, love and silver leaf.

yesterday and today i have been a bit out of sorts. certain things in my life just won't let me go...i'm having a hard time being content. i hate fear because it cripples me. i hate loneliness because it drains me. i hate doubt because it makes me apathetic. i hate feeling like i'm missing something from my life because God has given me everything i need...
...but Lord what about something tangible to cling to...

for the first time i'm getting worried about where this world is going. mostly because i really want to have children someday (Lord willing) but not if things keep spiraling downward the way they are. i guess it's not up to me.

i don't know if i'll do much painting today. i'm going to force myself to do an oil sketch of Nick onto my final canvas and maybe that will get my blood flowing a bit.

i want to write a novel.

i really would like to sing a lot more.


where's my palate...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

warning: naked lady

Sarah insisted i put up pictures of the painting i just finished...even though i hate the way my paintings look in pictures. photography pulls all the dimension out of things and hours of work just runs flat >:(
just trust me when i say it looks different when you see it in person...


melissa 24x30
anyway, i'm pretty happy with it. i learned a lot of things while working on it, so that's good. i hate that cat...i think i'm going to take it out because it's simply terrifying.

i woke up with my stupid back all achy and sending pangs up and down my spine...but it's feeling a little better. probably because i'm sitting in my nice cushy orange chair in my studio.

~

i'm low...i'm lower than i've been for a long time.
i'm not confused about much anymore. i know what God is doing (and if i don't know i trust Him). i have a lot to be excited about.

but sadness has a way of blanketing everything in fog...so no matter what is surrounding you, all you see is grey.
the heart is so damn fragile. when it's pricked it's all you can feel.

Bob Meyers brought a great message yesterday...i'll write about it a little later if i can.



~~~~~~

stuff

Edan painting coming along...this is a very bad photo, color is all wrong, perspective is askew but oh well...

start of the drawing for my next painting of ashlee...

lay-in...

watercolored 24 valentines yesterday and gave them out to my friends. this is a sheet of 12 before i wrote on them...



um...

i have decided i am hopeless and i don't understand anything anymore.


awesome



~~~~~

this morning

i was thinking about my friends who are suffering. seeing Pip last night and not being able to hug him enough...seeing my friend Ashlee today and wishing i could say something wonderful...thinking of Bettina, talking to Edan, my sister, praying for Laurel, my cousins, Amaris, Kristina, her sister, Searcy, Katie, Andrew, Mollie, the Bishops, so many...

and i said to God...

God, internal pain hurts. i can see it on faces. i'm almost finished with my first painting. and there are some new ideas percolating. we'll see.

Ephesians 2:4-8


~~~~~

Romans 7:18 – To will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not.
Philippians 2:13 – It is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure.
Phil 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
---------------

From Whispers of His Power by Amy Carmichael:

'Romans 7 is a description of our life as it was. It describes our life as it is whenever, even if only for one minute, we live the old self-life…the contrast between Romans 7:18 and Philippians 2:13 shows this glorious truth. I cannot, but God can. And so I can, and Philippians 4:13 becomes my experience.
There is nothing we can do of ourselves, but 'When I said My foot slippeth; Thy mercy, O Lord, held me up.' (Ps 94:18)

So—I cannot…God can…I can.'
----------------

Lord i cannot...please hold me up...

at the risk of sounding comically angst-ridden and pretentionsly saccharine...

it's amazing when you hear a song and it feels like the artist opened a little drawer in your heart, pulled out your wishes and your sorrows, and made something of sense and loveliness from them. there's a Vashti Bunyan track that seems to be the soundtrack to my psyche...and even though i already feel everything in it, it hurts a little to listen to the words and hear the melody because suddenly it has breath and is that much more real and inescapable. but you play it anyway because it is the only thing that makes any sense...


that's all.


~~~

Lord help me...

"The fight to which we have been called is not an easy fight. We are touching the very centre of the devil's power and kingdom, and he hates us intensely and fights hard against us. We have no chance at all of winning in this fight unless we are disciplined soldiers, utterly out-and-out uncompromising, and men and women of prayer.

So first, give much time to quietness. We have to get our help for the most part direct from our God. We are here to help, not to be helped, and we must each one of us learn to walk with God alone and feed on His word so as to be nourished. Don't only read and pray; listen. And don't evade the slightest whisper of guidance that comes. God make you very sensitive, and very obedient.

Fill up the crevices of time with the things that matter most. This will cost something, but it is worth it. 'Seek ye my face. My heart said unto Thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.' No one is of much use who does not truly want to learn what it means to pray and listen and definitely choose the life that is hid with Christ in God.

Keep close, keep close. If you are close, you will be keen. Your heart will be set on the things that abide. You will drink of His spirit and you will thirst for souls even as He thirsts. You will not be attracted by the world that crucified Him, but you will love the people in that world who have never seen His beauty and are losing so much more than they know. You will live to share your joy in Him. Nothing else will count for much.

All this will be, if you walk with Him with a visible Companion, from dawn through all the hours till you go to sleep at night. And your nights may be holy too, every waking moment a loving turning to Him who is watching over you sleep as your Mother [or Father] watched over it when you were a tiny child.

Your dear ones: commit them to Him. It is the Wounded Hands that part you. That was said to me when the stabbing pain of parting was almost too much to bear. It was the thought of their pain that broke me; it may be like that with you. Then take the word that comforted me: it is the wounded hands that part you, one on them, the other on you, and He will not leave them comfortless. It is hard to say goodbyes, like being torn in pieces without chloroform. But it is for His sake; that carries one through."


~Amy Carmichael


Lord help me to remember how to be like You, to draw people in, and even to let people go. Because i find myself loving to strongly it hurts to even be near people, but aching with longing when i'm not with them, whether they love You or not. Indeed, the more people are hurting and confused, the stronger these emotions become in me.

Jesus when i'm quiet i'm often not being so with You. i'm doing anything and everything else that seems more pressing, more fun, more important. But what is more pressing than fulfilling my role in the setting free these precious ones? Your beloved children, my incredible friends, loved ones and sharers of this life trapped in the colorful illusion of a world utterly devoid of joy, promise and salvation...?

Lord God, i'm overwhelmed. Thank You for saints like Amy Carmichael who lived to exemplify what we all should be striving for. What i should be hoping for.

Jesus help me to be willing to pay the cost. Because as much as i want to, i don't know if i can when the pressing comes. But it's not for my sake...it's for Yours. it's for theirs.

Don't let me wander on in twilight any longer...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deep breath...

Grandma passed this morning around 4:15 am. Mom was lying next to her when she had a small heart attack and took her last couple of breaths. She came in and woke up Sarah and i and we went and stood around her bed. I was in a daze...even as i stood there looking at her i couldn't believe it was actually all over! Sarah and i went back to sleep a short while later, we were so tired. When i woke up later this morning she was gone...
"It's really weird that grandma's gone," Sarah just said to me. I am in shock right now. Our lives have literally revolved around my grandparents since we came to live with them nearly 3 years ago. And before that, i was here for about ten hours every Friday taking care of them. and now suddenly it's all over...it's incredibly eerie and disconcerting. Our lives are going to change completely...mom told me this morning she doesn't even know what to do with herself. Grandma and grandpa were why we moved here, our days have been structured around the rotation of caregivers, medications, doctor's appointments, finances...
I have seen my grandmother nearly every day of my life for the last 3 years...my brain just won't accept that i will never see her again as long as i'm alive...that when i come home on the weekends she won't be sitting at the dining room table with her newspaper and various catalogues, her feet up on a stool, a kleenex in one hand while the other is trying to take a sip of tea...
...i still haven't been able to cry. I'm just in disbelief.
Mom busied herself with taking ornaments off the little tree that was in the studio. Emotionally, she's been up and down. There is so much joy knowing that her mother's suffering is over...but she already misses her so. When we moved in here it was the first time mom had ever had a good relationship with my grandma...so the last few years, though extremely difficult, have also been very healing for her. She was able to truly love and respect her mother for the very first time. We have laughed with her...gotten frustrated with her...sang with her...marvelled at her unflappable spirit of contentment...oh Lord God i'm going to miss her so much...

I made mom and Sarah breakfast (poached eggs on toast) and we sat by the fire. Then it rained...and the dogs ran into the house all wet and excited. As we were sitting in the living room, Aunt Wren walked in carrying Caid and we all lit up. He brought a very welcome little ray of happiness as he walked around tryign to keep the dogs from licking his face off. "oo! oo! oo!" He said to them (that's his dog imitation...). Caid and my uncle John played with blocks while Wren talked to mom. Caid played with the dogs. Sarah then sat down at the piano and fiddled around with some melodies, much to Caid's delight. I sat him next to her and he went at it...







a little applause...









The sun is out now and it is so so beautiful outside...
I drive back to Orange again tonight...school in the morning...yea. That ought to be interesting! :P
My head is tired. I just messed up typing tired 4 times. There is more to write but my fingers are all blahguhfkajbmish. So i'll hold more thoughts for later when i don't have to retype every single word!


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Tick and Sired

How can i be so sick and still be up at nearly 3 am?

Sarah just kicked me out of her room...she's leaving for a youth conference in Memphis in the morning. i'm going to miss her. i wish i was going, too. Well, i do but i don't. i don't know...

i pretty much stayed in my room all day...reading, sleeping, drinking tea...i tried to write but everything i wrote just made me sad, so i stopped. i have a secondary infection (coughing...laryngitis...lots of green gooey stuff) and my doctor perscribed me some antibiotics. i'm still trying to decide whether or not to take them.

James Brown and Gerald Ford both died in the last 2 days. weird...almost...too weird...


Today was a day of being sick and tired in both the literal and figurative sense. Extensive congestion, staring out the window, a few tears, bla bla...
So i recorded an a capella cover of "How to Disappear Completely" in my sick voice. it just seemed the natural thing to do! 9 tracks of me singing lilting violin strains with a dry and swollen throat...actually it doesn't sound half bad. Sarah said she liked it a lot. and it made me feel a little better i guess.

Pip and Andrew came to say hi this evening. i accidentally punched Pip in the stomach pretty hard. didn't even faze/phase him...the man is a rock.

grr



They're going camping tomorrow...i've never been camping before.
it's going to be a very quiet three days.

don't mind me...i just feel rotten and sleepy and...stuff.

i need to go get myself some water...


um...i just heard Thunder...?


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