Friday, June 25

To skew your view it doesn't take
much to make you think i'm somebody

Thursday, June 24

it's near

Yesterday I was sitting with my family and we were talking about how insanely stressful and hectic life is. We do that a lot. I think it was my dad that brought up the passage in Daniel that speaks of the End Times, and how much it applies today. It's glorious yet chilling:

Daniel 12:1-4

1 "At that time Michael shall
stand up,
The great prince who stands
watch over the sons of your
And there shall be a time of
Such as never was since there
was a nation,
Even to that time.
And at that time your people
shall be delivered,
Every one who is found
written in the book.
2 And many of those who sleep
in the dust of the earth shall
Some to everlasting life,
Some to shame and everlasting
3 Those who are wise shall shine
Like the brightness of the
And those who turn many to
Like stars for ever and ever.
4 "But you, Daniel, shut up the words, and seal the book until the time of the end; many will run to and fro, and knowledge shall increase."

The words, while wonderful, are terrifying. Will i be counted among the wise, or the righteous? Will i shine forever among those the Lord has lifted up?
How prideful that sounds...

Verse 4 speaks of the increase of knowledge. Note that wisdom is not what is implied. Knowlegde apart from wisdom is utterly and completely useless. And that is what this world is pursuing. Terrifying? Yes. Terrifying to the point of my becoming afraid of the Day of the Lord's coming? Not at all. The terror is that of anticipation. More expectancy than foreboding; the kind you feel when you know something amazing, something awesome is about to happen and there's nothing you can do to stop it...not that you'd want to. In the same way i can fear the Lord, I can be terrified of the end days. But that doesn't mean i cannot anxiously await and hope for them!!!

Wednesday, June 23


So I'm going through my bookshelves, my cluttered desk, and boxes of...stuff in my closet trying to figure out what to keep, and what to throw away. I got to my shelves and looked over my books. Many of them are literature I read for school, and I enjoyed, and so I gladly kept. This last semester, my friend Kristina and I were surprised on the first day of our excellerated critical thinking and writing class by finding out that it's theme was gender studies. aka feminism.
My initial disappontment faded as the weeks progressed, and it turned into one of the most enjoyable classes I've ever taken. I would never in a million years call myself a feminist; not in today's sense of the word, nor that of 30 years ago. But the class made me examine myself just the same, and I really only dug myself stauncher in my beliefs. Which is good.

Anyway, I came upon all of the feminist books I'd had to buy and read throughout the semester, and but for a select few, I'm trying to figure out what on earth to do with them. One in particular. Whatever will I do with the garbage in "Scum Manifesto"? Scum, by the way stands for the "Society for Cutting Up Men".
It was written by Valerie Solanas. That's right, the woman who shot Andy Warhol. If you want to find reasons to blame men for not only sadness, poverty, violence, and world hunger but also sickness and even death...this is the book for you. The thing isn't even a quarter of an inch thick and i didn't even read it all. There are few things in my life that i will call complete wastes of my time or energy. This was both. Very amusing, though, if that means anything.

So why all of this banter about my feminist books?
I'm really not sure. I guess i'm just expressing a frustration of spending 3 months reading up and dissecting a subject i have little interest in except to avoid it.
Which brings me back to my thought that there are few things in my life that are wastes of my time and or energy.
Suffice it to say, this was not one. I think if i had had a different teacher, one that was a hard core feminist, or was even female for that matter, i would have come out of the experience with quite a different attitude. Instead of focusing on the importance of the feminist hot topics in our current society, he had us focus on why these areas are not important to the feminist movement, i.e. lesbianism, man-hating, and goddess religion.

But all in all, as interesting as it was at times, feminism is such a selfish, misled and washed-up movement. Being a Christian is a big reason why i find this issue so worthless in my life. What it is based on is discontentment and rebellion...that there is no difference between a man or a woman, and there should never be because it's "unfair". Did the Lord not create us as different creatures, both physically mentally and emotionally? Did He not specify what our roles were on this earth? I support women’s right to equality within their means, I don’t support abortion (not on religious grounds), I don’t support homosexuality (on religious grounds), and I think that women today have blinded themselves to what they are created to be: lovers and supporters, as well as leaders and innovators. I think that’s a wonderful place to be, and it is difficult to find happiness when you can’t find your place.

I used this little testimonial written by a friend of mine in one of my papers in the class. She is a 25 year old law student, and became a Christian about 2 years ago. I find it to be very telling:

“Am I a feminist?
“In college I majored in women’s studies and would have screamed ‘Hell Yes!’ These days, I have a relationship with Jesus and my perspective has shifted.
“As a feminist in college I was keenly aware of the negative associations many people carried with the term ‘feminist,’ but my devotion to the cause outweighed the stigmas I perceived. I identified with quotes from feminists like Audre Lourde: ‘the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.’ And Rebecca West’s doozy: ‘I myself have never found exactly what a feminist is; I have only found that I am called one whenever I attempt to differentiate myself from a doormat.’
“I saw throughout history women’s roles devalued and marginalized. I understood that we lived in a patriarchy; and while I didn’t believe that men were wholly to blame, I did think they possessed the tools to remedy this situation.
“Now I see that we (men and women) are all fallen people and the social problems I saw men reaping the benefits of are just symptoms of the sin we are all choose to participate in. As a feminist, I knew others believed in God, but I couldn’t allow myself to worship a being that allowed such blatant injustice. It wasn’t until later that I understood about choice and it began to make sense. God created Adam and Eve to have a relationship with Him, but He also gave them free will. This enabled them to choose to worship Him and live in His presence or choose to sin and be separated from God. The amazing thing is that He knew we would screw it up; and being a perfectly just God, our sin demanded a payment; so He sent His son Jesus to pay for all the sin of the world, in order for us to continue to live in God’s presence. The injustices of the world (of which sexism and all of its ramifications are not a small part), while they are not part of God’s plan, do result directly from our fallen nature and our collective choice to separate ourselves from God by putting ourselves before our brothers and sisters (in the family of God).
“Of course, answering this question cuts to a linguistic problem with all philosophical discussions; any meaningful response depends on a shared definition of terms. It is unlikely that society as a whole could agree to a common definition for such a loaded term as ‘feminist.’
“In college, I defined a feminist as someone who believed: women should have opportunities to do the same jobs as men for equal pay, capitalism should focus less on the bottom line and encourage employers to allow flexibility for employees with families, a man who raped a woman or molested a child should be castrated, and basically, that we should all step back and look at life choices as real choices rather than paths pre-ordained by our gender in the womb. I felt that I should be able to chart the course of my future based on my strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, and fanciful dreams.
“And now, even though I would agree with most of the statements in the preceding paragraph, they no longer define me in quite the same way. Now, it could be said that I have lower expectations, because there is less at stake for me. This world is not my home. I have surrendered my life to my Lord (truthfully, I do every morning; but most days, I’ve taken it back by lunchtime). My point is that it’s not about me anymore, so I no longer define myself by my feminist views. They’re still there, and they are still a part of who I am, but they just don’t yell quite so loudly.
“So . . . the answer is a qualified ‘no.’ I only want one word to ‘define’ me: CHRISTIAN! Although it seems nobody can agree on a definition for that word either. I assume that I would agree with the beliefs of most feminists today, and I wouldn’t be upset or embarrassed to be called a feminist. But when asked today to define myself as a feminist, I respectfully decline.”

I guess that's all. For someone who doesn't care much about feminism, i seem to have many thoughts on the subject. There's a lot i kept to myself, too. I am glad i took the class and stuck with it. I know that it was not a waste of my time...God wouldn't allow that. Maybe it was just the presence of my friend and I as the only two Christian voices in the class that gave Him reason. I may never know.
But I didn't walk away empty-handed! I know more about feminism and how to argue it now more that I ever wanted to. So come on! Gimme everything you got! hehe. No, really. I'm thankful to the Lord for allowing me to have that experience. No matter what i say.
Funny how that works. Seriously, this is most likely the last you will ever hear from me on this subject. Honestly. I really don't like it. It makes me mad! It stirs me up! It's good to get stirred up sometimes. okay, now I'm just rambing.


Tuesday, June 22

The Simple Wisdom...

C.S. Lewis never ceases to inspire me. In the midst of desires to write a story, particularly one for children, i chanced to come upon some essays of his concerning, ironically, storytelling. In his writings on children's stories, i've been pleased to find the following instruction:

-"No book is really worth reading at the age of ten which is not equally (and often far more) worth reading at the age of fifty-except, of course, books of information. The only imaginative works we ought to grow out of are those which it would have been better to have not read at all...I am almost inclined to set it up as a canon that a children's story which is only enjoyed by children is a bad children's story."

-"Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are marks of childhood and adolescence...When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." (with a little "shout-out" to Paul there...)

Then, referring to the notion that people should only read age-appropriate books, there is written on of my favorite quotes form him: "No reader worth his salt trots along to a time-table."

Perhaps this means nothing to anyone else but me. But i couldn't pass up a chance that perhaps someone could share my inspiration. I'm finding a great deal of joy in reading these essays, as I find myself relating to so much of what Lewis says. This isn't a new occurrence, as i often find when reading him, i can apply myself and understand myself much more. It's really very liberating, and i'm particularly pleased to find such a sense of knowing him on a more personal level, and being able to relate to him as well in some other way than spiritually.

I love to write, and it's fun really, to explore Lewis' own ideas of something i'm particularly interested in. To read works of his that go beyond even his stories and spiritual exhortations, as much as i love them, is refreshing. Like reading Tolkien's letters, to see a greater glimpse of someone you admire and peek into their other passions, and read what they have to say about life and family and, in this case, theories on the actual act of reading and writing. They were both so young at heart, and yet so gives me hope that i don't always have to be grown-up, or even feel so, to make an impact in this world.


Friday, June 18


Well, that's it! We sold our house...and as God would ironically have it, some friends of ours who actually lived here in our back house 5 or 6 years ago bought it! It was the last thing we were expecting. So i'm excited...and of coure a bit sad because i really love where i live, and moving to my grandparents house wasn't always my ideal wish. But my mom will make it beautiful. And hopefully i'll be going to college or travelling or something in the next year. God, i hope so.

I'm really starting to feel stuck. i need to get my life together, and i desperately need a change. I want to go to an awesome art school, i want to do something crazy like chop off my hair and join the army, or go to Oxford to explore the beauty of linguistics and learn Old Norse. You know how often i fantasize about taking off to...i don't know...Scandanavia or Ireland or something and not telling anyone? Just thinking about it gives me chills. Going somewhere i've never been, adjusting to customs, exploring it's beauties, learning the language...

But i don't think it's a very good idea because I'd probably get depressed being all alone somewhere so beautiful, and so different. Not to mention my own nagging lack of mettle and finances.
Okay, so maybe i won't fly off to the UK on a whim or studying painting in Rome; but i at least need a better job.
Now that's depressing. ]:

Friday, June 11

i wish...

i wish i could go home. not here...not anywhere on this earth. Not anywhere in this life. Day by day i am becoming increasingly aware of my place here, in this world where i live. Or, more accurately, that i don't have one. Someone said once that a real Christian has no place in this world. Recently (recently being the past few years or so), i have been experiencing a sense of mis-placement that goes far beyond "not fitting in". I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, but i have some tried and true friends. The Lord has blessed me with a beautiful life with wonderful people. Sometimes i think of this and i feel guilty for not wanting to be here...until i remember what God said (which usually helps). That Christians are aliens and strangers here...we should be in but not of the world...this life is but a fleeting moment preceding an eternal glory.
Everything tiny good and pure and lovely in this life is not even a taste of what has been prepared for each and every believer since the commencement of time.
And that is my real home.
Please bear in mind that this is not any sort of depressive funk i'm writing out of. I'm really far from unhappy.
Though sometimes i let my life in this world plagued by darkness and despair get to me. Sometimes i'll cry. Sometimes i want to shake people out of their misconceptions, their foolish notions of what makes this universe tick. That a joy greater than anything anyone can find on earth exists in simply believing. Knowing that i still have yet to go home, that there's a reason that i feel out of place. But it is a good feeling...that i have a promise given to me that is infinitely grander than any promise man can give me of happiness.
I wish i could have said that all better...i wish i was a better writer. That would be a good thing too.

Wednesday, June 9

by the way...

remember how much i complained about how hot it was last week?
this week was beautiful. it was so gorgeous today my spirit rejoiced and i praised the Lord inside of me. I wish it would rain...that would be wonderful. i wish it would storm...that would be perfect. But i'll just have to content myself with the bluest sky, the bulbous white clouds, cool clear air, spashes of sunlight not filtered by smog, and the dark, rolling mountains looming behind me. It was an autumn day...not one i'd expect in the middle of June in Pasadena. I was wearing boots, jeans and 3 layers...not shorts and a t-shirt.
It was perfect.(:

banjos+Thom Yorke's lyrics+lisping hillbillies=
don't ask. just go. you'll see.

My last final is tomorrow!!! It is very hard holding back the massive sigh of relief about to burst from my lungs. I'll be finished! No summer school(sorry Pip)...just work. Which i don't mind.
So much to do, still. Lots of places to go, people to see...
There are many things i'm looking forward to to reading this summer.
I need to read the last book in C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy, finish Mere Christianlty, and Of Other Worlds. I really would love to read The Problem with Pain and The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis is awesome. I'm so glad i have Treebeard to compare him to, as Tolkien said. That makes him seem all the more wonderful! I'm so glad they were friends! I can't wait to meet both of them someday.
I also want to brush up on my French and Italian, and look into some other languages.
I would like to educate myself in Celtic history, and have bought a couple of books on that.
There are other old dusty hard bound books in my shelf calling to me that i need to get to.
And, of course, as you know, i need to partake in my annual Tolkien immersion...which i am particularly looking forward to. I've been thinking, however, that i might wait until school begins again to do so because it will give me a welcome distraction from homework...seeing as i don't plan on having any major reading classes next semester.
So i'm excited. My only qualm is that i know i can't get to everything. o wells.
You know what else i want to accomplish this summer? Getting some good artwork done. I'm so easily inspired and so slow to produce anything of value. it has become increasingly frustrating. Will i be able to overcome my inner frustrations and be fruitful (as far as the things i've mentioned above) this summer?
God only knows. i love that song.
doo doo doo doo doo...
ba ba ba ba ba baaaa baaa ba ba ba baaaa baaaa...ooooh oooooo!
that was me singing. Wasn't it lovely?

Monday, June 7

you can try the best you can...


is this week over yet? It's Monday??? blast.
Today was the first day of showings of my house...3 people have already bid on it.
Which means moving is becoming more and more of a reality. ):
The house, by the way, looks unbelievable. It's never been so beautiful...i don't want to touch anything! And it's my house! kinda weird. i don't know if i like it. i just hope someone buys it soon...only so i can sleep under my covers and use my bathroom.
you know, if aside from being so agitated about school and things this past week, i've had a lot of good times. i don't know about my friends and family, but i found fixing up the house to be a bit enjoyable. Sanding and scraping windows to Morrisey, painting doorways to...what was it? Tortoise? I think so. Take it to the Maxx wife-beaters, Eating take-out in the courtyard covered in dust and splattered with paint, ricketty mc crap crap...
And it worked...the place is lovely. Not quite what i'm used to, my room is completely devoid of all character...but lovely indeed.
Did you know i just sat here for about 3 and a half minutes just staring at the screen because i'm too tired to think of anything to type?
Heaven knows how i'll ever finish this paper. or start it. either one. I'd best be off. a presto...

Saturday, June 5

not loneliness

This evening is one of those times that all i desire is a moment alone. i'm feeling very burnt-out. the tired i feel right now isn't just spirit is feeling winded. i was asked to about 3 different, well, "get-togethers" this evening, but i knew i just couldn't go without somehow sacrificing some part of myself. i know most people find it strange for someone to want, to enjoy, to cherish instances of solitude...yet when i can experience it, with the right heart, i almost cannot think of a better way to spend an evening than in peaceful, restful, productive solitude. Yes, i said productive. i can gather my thoughts, i can read, i can sketch, i can dream, i can pray. i can find more beauty around me with no distraction, i can ponder the glorious mysteries of God, and the life He's given me.
Or i can study...which is what i need to do tonight. we'll see how that goes. It's such an amazing evening...and my brain has yet to convince my mind that, alas, i am notout of school yet!!! So frustrating.
I pray that Jesus shows me something...

Friday, June 4

work is fun.

My emotions are so erratic these days! I'm very happy right now.
I went on a really good run this morning, and I'm so determined to lose weight this summer! I can't stand it anymore! When I told this to lovely Kristina, the first words out of her mouth were, "AAAAAWW you won't be any fun to go out with anymore!!" just because I won't be having schriners for a while. he he. silly girl.
Anyway, i really hope i can.
Right now I have paint all over me from touching up the house. It's going on the market on finals week. I'm trying not to think about that...
But the house is looking lovely. Thanks to all the wonderful people that are helping us out. I'd write more but I need to get back to work...

Wednesday, June 2

June 2

It was very hot today, and i think it's just going to get hotter. As much as i dislike wearing short sleeves, this morning i donned a t-shirt...i'm glad i did! for one thing, i got to show off the lovely doodles scrawled up my arm by my sister last night.
i was up early...well, 8:00 a.m. is early when one goes to sleep at 2 a.m.
i really love to be up early, even when i'm tired. especially in the summer...when the morning is cool and the day is pure. when the air is still and silent and you feel like there is no one on earth but yourself to take it in. something about it gives me such a sense of joy.
And how did i spend this joyful morning?
Cleaning my room, of course! i stripped my walls of all my pictures and hangings but my calendar. it's a calendar of Ireland. it's very cool.
i tackled a corner of my room behind my desk where i've stuffed all my artwork, knitting, and lotr memorabilia. i got rid of some of my old crappy art, and stuffed the rest into portfolios and set some aside to give to my high school art teacher. I put all of my lotr clippings and stuff in boxes and rolled up my poster.
my room is so empty now! and all the walls look terrible, as now you can see all the places where the paint has been peeled off over the years. it's kind of sad...i don't really want to paint over it. oooh, Sail to the Moon by Radiohead just came on.
Every time i sat down to study for italian, something distracted me. me! distracted! go figure!
i woke up Sarah around 9, and went back to wake her again at 9:30. i don't know how she sleeps through so was noisy at this point with the cleaning lady vacuuming, and the "miracle method" man refinishing the upstairs bathroom.
i met Kristina at school instead of picking her up. i was walking down the hall when she just about tackled me from behind as i tried in vain to get my hair off my neck with a pair of knitting needles. We walked to class together and decided that if Meier wasn't going to talk about anything important, we'd just leave because Pip&Andy were meeting us at school and we were all goint know...hang out and stuff.
After about 20 or so minutes of Meier wisdom, we walked out to find Pip and Andrew rounding the corner just ahead of us! Looking sharp as usual, Pip in a boy scouts of america t-shirt and a murse, and Andrew sporting a slick D.A.R.E. number, they walked up to us. I gave Pip the knitting needles that wouldn't stay in my hair. They're his mom's.
We decided to go to Trader Joe's. They have food there.
We climbed the 5 flights of stairs to the top of the structure and drove to TJ's blasting the new Muse CD. it's very hardcore. Mi piace!
As we drove into the parking lot, i fondly recalled a night not too long ago where the 4 of us found ourselves in the same spot one evening. Pip decided to be a rebel and tag a big rig...using his finger. it was a very dirty machine, and the words "pip was here" or whatever it was, showed up quite clearly.
Too clearly, i suppose in hindsight.
The driver of the rig spotted this less-than-offensive action and just about chopped Pip's head off in seething smoking fury at such a blatant act of disregard for the filthy property of other truckers. tsk tsk.
Anyway, Kris and i got prepared salads, and Andrew bought a middle eastern meal with hummus, fallafels &c.i also bought green tea mochi. oooooh yea. Pip got a bag of lettuce with caesar salad fixings in it. he forgot a fork. hehe.
We drove to a park, grabbed a blanked out of the back of my truck, and sat down in the sweet shade of a tree. It was so hot.
We all were quite amused to watch Pip eat his lunch with his fingers. When we were finished eating, i broke out the now half-melted squishy mochi...which Kristina wouldn't even try because they felt funny. I had one, and let the 2 boys duke it out over the remaining 5. Mouths and fingers covered in flour, or whatever is on them, we all laid down and just enjoyed being in each other's company, despite the heat, jostling of elbows and occassional face palmings. i can't even remember anything we talked about. i just know i could only think about how much i loved each of them and how happy and grateful i was...i am...that God saw fit to bless me with such amazing friends.
This was only half way through the day. But that's all that mattered to me. There were more classes, more chances to show off my tattoos, i saw Laurel, went to work, watched a movie with my sister...all in good fun. But nothing came close to lying under the tree with 3 of the most important people in the world to me.
i hope the summer brings more "good times" our way. That or the Lord will.
Until then...more school. which i have tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 1


THANK YOU LORD!!! The worst is over! This morning when I ran my 2 miles I accidentally ran an extra lap. I found out because I guess I confused a lot of people who were using me as a way to keep track of their own laps...and I threw everyone off. I felt very silly.
I finished my paper around 5:30 a.m. so i got about 45 minutes of sleep. I'm more tired now than i was before! I should take a nap. I like naps, but i hate waking up as it's getting dark makes me feel like i've wasted my day. Plus I still have another term paper to do and i have to gut my room. aaaaagh.
I need to draw more. I drew a very scary looking girl yesterday when I was in a bad mood and i can't figure out if i like it or not. i haven't done enough good artwork...i need to get on that.
But first...sleep.
Then i'll drive my sister to school.
Then i'll clean my room.

i'm tired.

It's 3:08 a.m.
I'm only half done with a paper I'm typing.
I need to be up in 3 1/2 hours.
And here I am doing this. That's so me. I seriously can't wait for school to be over. i'm literally itching to start sleeping more than 2-3 hours every night, exercise regularly, and read the books i want to read...including Lord of the Rings...I can't wait to read it again!!!
I'm going to read the Sil first, though. I started it right before school and I realized that there was no way i could read it whilst juggling a full load of classes! So it's on my bookshelf. Waiting for me. That's something to look forward to. I'm so glad I love to read...
I'm really tired. And I have to finish my paper.
Wish me luck...and energy so I can run a good 2 miles for my gym final 4 hours from now.