Monday, October 29


i interviewed with my hosting gallery in Laguna today...and the owner loved my work! i was there for about an hour, and we talked about what i'm going to show in december, pricing, framing...i'm meeting her again next week. The gallery is Studio Arts Gallery, and Rebecca, the owner, is so excited. She's going to make fliers, invitations and a poster for me!! i was absolutely speechless! it was very awesome. (:

Everyone set aside December come see my first real gallery show!! Wow!

i'm so freaked out.


Saturday, October 27

i think i'm willing to pay

David A. Glen is a man who desires what most see as the unattainable…that is…truth. He is the chief operations officer of an organization called PROGENY and a documentary photographer who has traveled all over the world. Recently he came to one of my classes at LCAD as a guest speaker. We were treated to a fascinating examination and discussion of the importance of truth and ethics in art, and why it is different for everyone…and why maybe it shouldn’t be different for everyone…after all, truth is truth, right?

Art documents the human condition. No one can deny that. Even art that seems to be meaningless and superficial still says something about the person who created it, that person being a human being, and thus exhibiting an expression of their humanity.
David made the point that most of the artists of the past were essentially documentarians recording our physical, emotional and spiritual history. I appreciated his drive to record not only fear, sadness, pain and suffering…but also joy, amusement and beauty. He shared that often the most difficult thing for him to do is to remain honest. His purpose is to witness and record history…to take pictures, not make them; and through it all to remain unbiased, casting aside all semantics and all ambiguity.

At one point Michael Moore was brought up. Concerning him, David said, to my amusement and relief: “Michael Moore is the most damaging thing that has ever happened to documentarians in the history of the art. Because he has an agenda. He is not interested in the truth.” This was something I had been thinking about as he spoke, and I could sense his bitterness towards the man who had stripped his life’s passion of so much credence and integrity. I feel the same way about what legalism and manmade religion has done to the beauty and light of Christianity.

Staying honest is an essential part of maintaining one’s humanity. David stressed that losing his humanity would be detrimental to his pictures, not to mention himself. He never wants to become numb to what is around him; great photographers, he said, are never desensitized. There is a large personal price to pay for allowing yourself to become so personally involved in the tragedy of people’s lives…but you have to care. If you lose that, the photos become mere sensationalism. Once you become calloused to tragedy or joy, once you lose your humanity, the work is no longer honest. It turns into superficial pandering, merely something terrible or strange or amazing that people scramble to see. And where is the truth in that?

Motives in any art are apparent in the final output. We were told that there is a fine line between expressing yourself and your beliefs…and distorting truth and reality. “Without truth you are nothing,” David said. The unvarnished truth is not meant to be comfortable. He expressed his opinion that true art can “get people back on track”…it is not “art for art’s sake”. I don’t know what every other person in the room thought of that, but I happen to agree with it. I also agree with what David said when he asked this question: “Is there such a thing as totally unbiased objectivity?” His answer was, of course, no. But that’s what it is to be human…each person different from another…no one creates or expresses themselves in exactly the same way. Whether or not your biases make it into the work, by grasping for the truth, you can be assured of the utmost purity in the outcome whether it be paintings of kittens or photographs of a cold-blooded massacre at a school.

As far as the ethical aspects were concerned, in this case, the issue was the question of right or wrong in the photography of dead and dying children. After seeing a slide show of the tragic, awful terrorism that took place in 2004 in a Russian elementary school we were asked, do pictures like this serve a purpose? Most of the class said yes…illumination, awareness, understanding. But the few opposing voices were just as strong, saying they were too disturbing, too gruesome, and that it was just plain insensitive to show them in a classroom.

I tend to side more with the former argument, that seeing things like this are indeed necessary, especially for Americans. I don’t want to be sheltered from this, to
Continue to believe that this fantasy world that I live in is what is normal. Some people, rather, most people wake up to see this kind of pain and heartbreak every day. My only connection to that is seeing footage like this…and I even have the freedom to choose whether or not I want to look at it! It is so far from what I consider reality…I am blessed beyond belief. And so very grateful.


Anyway, i found the class to be extremely fascinating...there is a link to the organization's website below.
What this has to do with my own aims and desires for what i hope to accomplish artistically is still vague to me...except that i am striving for truth...and how that is expressed in individual people (redundant?). Is that my goal in my love for portraiture...? Maybe not entirely...but i know it's part of it. The Lord will fill in the rest.



Thursday, October 25

i'm tired, Lord.

i'm frustrated with my self and not knowing how to handle what should be tolerable, if not simple, normalcy.

usually i'm content to not be around anyone...but today, right now, i'm so scared of being alone. i just don't want to be alone.

When one's mind swings so wildly from side to side a great many times a day it's hard to keep track of the time. But you still want to smile, walk, see the people you love, get work done. And you try, even if it means not saying what you need to...breathing the bad air...sitting quiet and motionless in front of your easel with a pencil in your hand. You can hear the clock ticking, there is no one in the studio but you, but still you don't play any music because you don't want to get tired of your favorite songs...

i don't even know what i'm waiting for. i guess i'm just waiting to feel worthy of inspiration again.


Wednesday, October 24

Where there's smoke...

Driving into Laguna today was like driving into a war zone. The hills flanking the 241 are blackened and scorched, and the sky is filled with billows of dark smoke in shades of gray orange and brown. Many of my friends have had to be evacuated, and those who haven't, like Edan, just watch from their apartments as the landscape surrounding them is devoured by flames.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
NASA satellite photo

My camera is still being fixed.

Disneyland yesterday was lovely:) The combination of it being a Tuesday, and extremely hot with the air permeated with smoke resulted in a very empty, relatively quiet and low-key day at the park. Edan met us there, which was awesome, and we spent the latter part of the afternoon and into the evening there. i got an annual pass for my that excites me beyond description.

Last night Sarah and i watched some Walker and as i was falling asleep in the guest room she came in and we snuggled and prayed together. What did i do to deserve her? To deserve any of the amazing people and things in my life? To be able to go running in the morning with my mom, eat homemade apple pie for breakfast, go to the grocery store and within minutes have pretty much anything i want and need. This morning as i showered i thought about how most of the people in the world don't have the luxury of being able to simply make themselves clean every day.

i try not to feel guilty and instead be thankful...but sometimes it overwhelms me.

And it is all so fleeting...this little fantasy world called America.
As the numerous fires sweep through Southern California and destroy every material thing some people have i am forced to consider what is really of worth. What if everything i had was gone in a blazing instant...forget my dvds, clothes, all the "stuff"...i mean my pictures, sketchbooks, my journals chronicling my growing up since i was 9 years heart almost stops when i think about it. And i can't think about's too terrifying...but what if that did happen?

i don't know where this is going...i kind of just started typing and off i went.

i'm confused about my artwork and what to do with my life. with people. with my burdens. i think my focus is changing. i'm not even sure what that means, but i know it's true.

Lord will You please tell me what i'm supposed to do?


Tuesday, October 23


Thanks everyone for the lovely birthday i had. (: For all of you who called me and messaged me...Katie even called me from Italy this morning! Thank you to my amazing family et al for being here tonight (well...technically last night.) i would put up pictures...but, of course, since i wasn't the photographer, very few were taken. My mom and Anna and Wren made pies and Alec, Sarah, Pip, Jeff, Anna and Amaris made the most amazing song i have ever heard. it was too much...i don't deserve such love. Then Jeff and Andrew (who stopped by later in the evening) and i went to karaoke...which was awesome. i haven't sung like that since i took opera lessons. i really miss it.

And today ...after i sleep for a bit :P my family is going to Disneyland!! i'm extremely excited. It's gonna be all Halloweeny.

I'm sorry for the lack of updates...the last week has been terribly busy and strange and i had a couple of pretty low days...but God is good and i'm doing a lot better...just...very very behind in school. HE has placed the most amazing people around family (my friends here count as my family...Pip, Katie, &c...), the people at my school...i am so blessed i feel guilty 99% of the time. The other 1% is only because every once in a blue moon i'll forget to think about it.

Among other things this last week or so, i finished a painting, attended a cocktail/dance party, and rode a motorcycle. So it wasn't all bad. Except when i knocked a camera out of a guy's hand whilst dance-fighting. Almost missing my mid-term wasn't great either...but it all worked out.
Please don't tell my dad about the motorcycle thing.

i'm going to try and sleep now...thanks to everyone again! i love you.

ps...Happy Birthday to cousin Rachel and good-as-cousin Aimee!


Saturday, October 13

it's raining. Praise God. i'm going to sleep now.

i love my sister yes i do



ps...yaay brown hair
ps2...happy birthday Caid (technically yesterday)


Thursday, October 11

No really...

it's amazing.

Wednesday, October 10

holy rainbows

the new radiohead release is fantasticPhoto Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
look how happy they are


Monday, October 8

know what i need to do?

until i get my camera situation all figured out i need to attack one of my friends with one of those sweet mac laptops with the built-in camera and take some pictures on that so at least you can see my new dark brown hair that Anna gave me yesterday.

i've been doing lots of paintings, too.

i'm in my studio (: i should drive home now. i'm tiiired.

i don't kow what the heck is happening right now. but that's okay.


Saturday, October 6

A Letter From Home

One of my all time favorite Ulrich Schnauss tracks...

i got to see him last night, along with Manual. It was magical...thanks Pip! Look i got home okay. i told you so.

the weather has been amazing.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness
i dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name
On Christ the solid rock i stand all other ground is sinking sand
all other ground is sinking sand

i like that song


Wednesday, October 3

right now

i really want some chocolate.

i feel weird again. maybe it's because i haven't been able to run...among other things...
kind of dead.

happy October

Lord what's wrong with my brain...