Monday, December 26

Christmas Tyme

Just thought i'd post a little something, you know, because it was Christmas yesterday. Plus i love this picture of my cousins and me. Don't us girls have just the greatest noses in the world???

Out of all past years, this year has felt the least Christmasy. Which made me sad...because i miss the forlorn feeling of "Christmas is over!" So basically i'm sad because i'm not sad...but i'm STILL sad...but for a different it doesn't count. right.

Mom and i are about to go watch White Christmas (you know, the classic Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney vehicle).
Maybe that will help. (:

Wednesday, December 21

Colors Songs and Crying

My mom and dad just left the room after praying for me...i'm having surgery on my toe for the EIGHTH time in a couple of hours and i'm kind of not looking forward to it. It's extremely painful and i would feel a lot better if i knew this would be the last time, but i don't. so yea.

Otherwise things have been generally good. I'm almost busier now that school is over than when i was pulling 1-2 hours of sleep a night for the last week or so during finals. Bettina is getting married next month, so that's been crazy...and will only get crazier...friends are coming back into town...last night i saw Laurel for the first time since August; looking lovely as usual. I've seen a lot of movies...

Walk the Line-good film...though i was a bit sick when i saw it, so i don't want to say too much until i see it again. The singing is awesome.

Harry Potter-very enjoyable. as you already know. Saw it twice.

Narnia-I REALLY wanted to like this movie. Really. But i didn't. Sarah and i walked out of it so disappionted we almost didn't know what to say. There were neat little instances here and there...but it was so whitewhashed and sloppy to me. It really makes me sad. Sarah remarked that she was glad Lewis never had to live to see it.

Pride and Prejudice-I thought this was fantastic. I still prefer the BBC version to it...mostly because Kiera Knightley was not a convincing Elizabeth to me...and it's styalized direction and grittier setting failed to capture the elegance of Jane Austen's world. Yet by setting those things aside and just looking at it as it's own entity, it was excellent.

King Kong-i'm not the worlds biggest Peter Jackson fan, but if there's one person in this world who knows how to direct action and's him. I've said many times regarding this film, that it's so refereshing to still be able to see a movie...and be absolutely astounded. This film was AMAZING. It has it's flaws, yes...but i would see it again in a heartbeat. Someone should just give Andy Serkis an oscar already...i mean come on! It's beautiful and it should have been. And i cried at the end. How could you not??!

Autumn is wonderful. The picture is one i took of the ginko tree in our backyard. there are Colors everywhere. i love it.

Been doing some music, too.

My appointment is now in an hour (i got up half way through typing this post), so i should get ready.
Jesus, please let this be the last one!

Have a wonderful and blessed Christmas everyone!


Sunday, December 4

look closely

why you shouldn't leave your Christmas lights up all year...

Sunday, November 27

long way to go

It's 3:48 in the morning and i'm oooooh, a little over half done with (one of) my final projects due this coming week. It's a darn good thing i'm enjoying my classes or i'd be royally peeved...instead of just really....really tired.
i just had to respell "really" 4 times.

I haven't been to church in nearly a month and a half...isn't that terrible? i've fallen willingly prey to the "i have more important things to do" mindset. i've been able to get to Bible study on Fridays...which is always wonderful. We're studying Luke. But church is harder.

For so so many reasons. Sundays i have to drive back to Orange, i have homework, i need to got to the market, i'll just talk to Jesus before i go to bed tonight.

i know i'm suffering without Him. i can blame my problems on anything i want but it won't do me any good because even i know there's really no excuse. There's just too much going on. Talking to people is just too hard for me right now. Especially God...

Well i should call it a night. Go steal a sliver of pumpkin pie from Thanksgiving, take a shower to wash the dirt out of my hair and go to bed. For 4 hours?
We'll see...

now hearing: Hurt, covered by Johnny Cash

Saturday, November 19

Think you're too good for Harry Potter?

Then you should see this film anyway. Absolutely brilliant.

Sunday, November 13


should watch this.

it'll do you good...

tell me why!

Sunday, October 30

welcome to mycult...

i just wanted to let you all know...i've joined a cult.

it's called MySpace. you can find me here.
i don't blog on it or anything...i'll still do that here. it's just one more way to keep track of people...and one more thing to keep track of!

Things are going pretty well. I've been really tired :P
lots of drawing...reading...drawing...not sleeping...

last weekend was my birthday, and my family and Pip, Andrew, Katie and Bettina all came down to Orange county, and surprised me by sitting through the enire Extended editions of the 1st and 3rd Lord of the Rings films. They know i would never ask them to do that for it was fun. (:
Sarah even made me a Middle Earth cake...
my middle-earth cake

I spent the week, also, reading MacDonald's Curdie books. WONDERFUL
And i've been listening to the new Sigur Ros album. AWESOME
Sarah and i are also en train de watching the entire 1st season of Lost on DVD. FUN

And tomorrow i'll spend Halloween doing homework! yay!

take care, everyone...

Sunday, October 16

Oh Baby!

Here's Joey, the world's happiest new daddy.

On Wednesday, October 12, baby Caid was born...8lbs, 21 inches and showing off the infamous hallmark of the family...insanely chubby cheeks!

Click on this link to head on over to ...his very own Myspace page...a must for any baby of the 21st century!

Sunday, October 9

The Greatest Title Ever

i think...i think i may have the internet down in Orange now. I'm going back tonight after being home for the weekend and i'll give it a shot.
School is going pretty well...i've been able to do some nice artwork already, which is a good thing.

It's been cooold! I love it. Yesterday mom and Sarah and i went out and got pumpkins. When we got there, we found out that for about 14 dollars you could take home as many as one person could of course i got piled with 4 big ol' pumpkins, and they even gave us one more. Just to be nice.
What a deal, eh?

I updated the sidebar a bit...yea, i haven't been doing a whole lot of reading lately...though the list is piling up! I've mostly just been re-reading my Bone graphic novels.
I saw "Everything is Illuminated" last weekend. Good little film. It had it's flaws, but i enjoyed it.

This post is completely and totally pointless. I wanted to go into some intelligent exhoration in response to Ariel's post, but i'm far too braindead. bbblllllaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I really don't feel like going back tonight. I never thought i would miss being here at this house! Well, mostly i just miss my family. It would be nice if we still lived in our other house...

Anyway...i hope everyone is faring well!

p.s. still no baby...her due date was on any time!

Saturday, October 1

love bear

hi there all...

just wanted to say


Saturday, September 24

It's (almost) Time!

So last weekend we had the baby shower for Ginger (my cousin Joey's wife). I just wanted to post a few pictures because it was a beautiful day and Ginger looked just lovely. I swear, she's the world's most gorgeous pregnant lady. Joey's one lucky guy.
Ginger and baby
That's Loreen in the background. She's a very nice woman...

So, the baby (a boy) is due in early October...just a couple of weeks now, so it could be any time! I'm so excited...this little guy will be the first born of our generation (of brothers sisters and cousins on my dad's side of the family).

I like this picture because Ginger and Anna are both pregnant. Oh by the way, for those of you who know her...Anna M is pregnant!
Hey! Look!

And i love this picture...soon to be mom and dad. Daddy Joey is a little tired. They're so cute.
Mom and dad

No name for him yet...i can't wait to see him!

Sunday, September 18

"Why don't you light the candle?"

...Sarah just asked me. It's late and i'm very sleepy and a little stressed out. I just thought i'd drop a little note besides my scandalous pictures of the Pope...

Hopefully i'll soon be getting the internet down in the OC soon! (yes...i just called it the OC)
Then i can actually update more than a few sentences a week. Because things are crazy.

Be safe everyone...

Friday, September 16

Sunday, September 11

Cellar Door

Hey...Sarah and i are, at this moment, watching deleted scenes from Donnie Darko. I had never seen it before...what a bizarre, fantastic, disturbing peice of film.

The second week of school went better than the first...mostly just because i'm starting to get used to it.

The highlight of my week?

Getting to shake the hand of Glen Keane. If you have even the tiniest knowledge of anything concerning animation, cartooning,'ll have heard his name. He is responsible for bringing to life such characters as Ariel, Aladdin, the Beast (from Beauty and the Beast), so many others...his most notable being Tarzan. Absolutely brilliant.
This afternoon he came to the school and gave a 2-hour lecture to a packed room of giddy art students...showing us pages from his sketchbooks, stories of his inspiration, and even gave an impromptu animation demo based on input from the audience.
It was greatly inspiring. And incredilby Daunting.

About to read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. it aught to be very interesting.

There's a lot more to get into. I'd type more, but i'm pretty tired. So until next week!

Sunday, September 4

learning feels good

My my...a whole week done and gone! I'm only at home for this one evening and i still don't have internet access where i live so i figured i'd jump on and let you all know i'm still kicking...
School went fairly well for the first week, and i'm having to do some major re-adjusting to get into the rhythm of living and breathing art. Most of my classes look like they're to be fantastic and challenging, and i'm looking forward to all of them. My life drawing class is a 6-hour immersion in figure drawing and painting that i attend Mondays and feeling is i will derive a lot of pleasure out of these 12 hours a week! I also am taking what seems to be quite an entertaining perspective class, and a writing class called "critical reasoning". I can't remember the names of the literature we'll be covering there for all you scholars out there, but when i do i'll let you know.
The only class i'm not that excited about is one aptly titled "human evolution"...which is as it sounds, a course with the goal of teaching the evolutionary theory as fact. oooh well. i'll live. It will still be interesting.

Part of me is still terrified...i don't do well in new social situations (or, at times, even old ones). However, providence would deem me, in this case, to "suck it up", as it were, and move along. My nerves and yearnings for things comfortable and familiar are resisting in a big way. So i'll be finding challenges in more things than keeping my apartment clean and completing my homework on time...

Today when i was in the Art Store buying graphing triangles and marker paper, some young hip thug dude guy was standing near me when his phone rang, and when he picked it up, he actually answered it: "where you at?"

i nearly lost my lunch. right there in aisle of art bins.

have a splendid week, everyone...


Tuesday, August 30

Started school't have a computer for the rest of the week.

Things are dandy.

Sunday, August 28

Back to Save the Universe

So Radiohead fever has begun again...and i'm definitely coming down with something!
(wasn't that clever...)

Firstly, thank you Dave for the heads up, Radiohead has their own blog! wow! You can see pictures taken by the members of each other, track their progress on their next album, and read Thom's ramblings on his lack of direction and lack of energy...which are surprisingly coherent, if you ask me. quoth Thom...
"everybodys wasted. expended i mean. energy wise i mean.
all in need of bowl of coco pops."
Just click here: Dead Air Space

This is a small semi-interesting article about their new album...thanks Myles.

And last, but not least, head on over here to check out an amazing new song; it's live, but very very beautiful...things just keep on getting better!

Friday, August 26

3 things...

1. Yesterday i blazed through a book called
Holes and thoroughly enjoyed it. A well-written children's book is such a treat to find these days! Often reading this, i was very surprised that it recieved so much praise and attention...only because parts of it are extremely violent and disturbing. But the story is enticing, and i've never read anything like it. Simple and complex, i recommend it as a companion for a good afternoon sit-down.

2. I am hopelessly addicted to Sudoku.

3. I finally watched the European version of Léon: The Professional and enjoyed it immensely. Far superior to the 20-minute shorter and less controversial American cut.

And there you are.

Wednesday, August 24

nearly thursday

Seeing as i don't have a computer down where i'm staying for school yet, i haven't been able to get online since Sunday! Heavens!
Hopefully that will change, as LCAD requires all students to have purchased a laptop through their laptop program. i should be getting mine before the weekend...a new Powerbook G4 to have and enjoy. (:

So as i mentoned, sort of, i stayed down there for about 3 days for orientation mishmash and such.
I can't believe how beautiful the campus is. Check out the website and take a look at the virtual tour. See the front entrance, Visit the grassy knoll, stroll throught the handicap parking (it has a good all around scope of the front of the school). Take a look at the student galleries, as well. Some of the work ot absolutely breathtaking...i recommend skipping the foundation section...though there's good stuff in there, too.
I'm mostly just excited about getting really down and dirty with the art classes. I got my schedule, and i'm taking 15 units of portraiture, figure drawing, figure painting, figure sculpture, and less that wonderful classes like perspective and human evolution (uuuugh. like i haven't heard all of that before). I'm taking a writing/critical reasoning class that sounds interesting...but i just wish i could focus on art! Oh well. Praise God i transferred out of all the lower writing classes.
Otherwise i'm kind of freaking out. An upheval in family crisis(es??? what the hell is plural for crisis?), relationships on the rocks and me just being quite an emotional wreck. I won't go into details...but lets just say the last few weeks have involved a lot of literal blood sweat and tears in quite a variety of ways.
Seeing as i'm not actually starting until Monday, i came back here to Pasadena. And my parents are getting back from Arizona tomorrow, so i'll get to see my

I'm not really listening to anything right now...i can fix that...

Hear hear...
Werewolf by Cat Power

what? you've never heard of Cat Power!?? Well, now you have. And you'll like it. Just ask JeffBishop.


Sunday, August 21

Peace Be Still

Pedro the Lion:



Tuesday, August 16

Technical Difficulties

Well, due to some aircraft malfunctions...Sarah's not coming home until this afternoon. Dad and i will be leaving around 3 to go pick her up at LAX...ugh. But at least she'll be home!
It's August...and it's cold. It's cold. whaaaa?

In other news, We're all trying to figure out how to handle quite a delicate and mystifying issue...
What do you do with someone who's sick...but wants to die?
You all who have read my blog for a while (and my friends, naturlich) know that my family and i live with my grandparents and are caring for them, along with regular 24-hour help from 5 excellent ladies. Anyone who has read my blog for a while also knows what a charming guy my grandpa is. (dripping sarcasm)

Doctor's visits consist of his excalamations of, "I should be dead by now," when he takes his meds at breakfast and dinner you can hear him muttering under his breath "why do I take these damn pills," and nearly every morniing as he struggles out of bed, he wonders why he just won't die.

For a few months now he has been developing congestion in his chest and throat, and in the last few weeks it's evolved into a terrible rasping, grating cough that literally makes it sound as if we'll see a lung or something popping out of his mouth. He's also gotten more and more bitter...threatening to strike my grandma, and actually taking swings at some of our caregivers. He radiates unhappiness and malcontent...and the only time you see him smile is if he feels he's made a particularly brilliant little joke on someone else's behalf. He's lost any ounce of politeness, manners or cooperation...he won't even take a shower once a week with a helper unless forced to. And now that he's feeling so lousy, you can imagine how his attitude has far from improved. And he won't go to the doctor. Flat out refuses.

A couple of months ago, mom was alone with him in the house when she heard him calling her name.
She went out to find him in the middle of the hallway, leaning on his walker. "What is it, dad?" she asked him.
His unfocused gaze passed her as he answered wearily, "Where do I go to check out?"
Mom, a bit taken aback had to mull over this a moment, and asked him what he meant. He merely repeated himself. It was apparent that a little heart to heart was in order.
She sat him in the living room and leaned on his knees like a little child, and again, tried to figure out what to say.
"Do you mean 'where do I go to die?'" she asked him. He said yes.
"Dad, I don't know. If I knew I would tell you. But you're just going to have to wait until the good Lord decides to take you."
She told him she loved him, and she told him that if he went, grandma would be taken care of. We figured long ago that really the only thing keeping him around is my grandma. So she wanted him to understand that.

A week or so ago, my grandpa was literally making the house a living nightmare...fits of rage, cursing and insults plagued the house and one of our caregivers almost left us for good. This time the talk my mom had with her father wasn't so gentle. She flat-out told him that if he didn't make an effort to display even an ounce of kindness or cooperation we would be forced to put him in a home...because we can't keep him around if he won't let us take care of him.
She then went on to an even deeper issue...his relationship with God.

We don't know if my grandpa is saved or not. My grandma, though very ritualistic and nonchalant at times about her faith, i know has a relationship with matter how small, it's there. And that's all it takes. A wonderful example of this can be seen here.
Mom told him that he needed to start thinking about where he's heading, and where he stands in God's eyes. "There are qualities that I see displayed in the lives of older people I know that know the Lord, dad. And I don't see those qualities in you and it scares me." She addressed his cursing, his taking of the name of Jesus in vain, and telling people to go to hell. "If you really know what you were saying when you said would not be saying it." When he got all upset and told her to give it a rest, she only stood firmer. "I'm prepared for you to not like me, if only i can tell you the truth. You have to think about these have to do it now." She told him, on the verge of tears, "I want to see you in heaven, dad."
I really wish i could remember the whole was really beautiful what she told him.

When she said "I love you" to him, she was thrown back the usual, "Yea? Do you really?", delivered with the utmost bitterness.
And things were a bit better for a day or two. Until his cough worsened.

As of a few days ago, things have gotten pretty bad. He'll lay on the couch coughing and fighting to breathe. His body is under so much strain from the wracking spasms in his chest, we're having to give him pain medication regularly. But he denys having a cough, and when my mom told him the other night that he was wheezing, he said to her, "No I'm not. You don't know what the hell you're talking about." Then, literally toying with her, he wheezed his breath in and out, exaggerated and pained, and snickered at her as she stood over him.
Mom says that he knows exactly what he's doing. "I think he even knows what's wrong with himself," she told Susan (our primary helper) and i the other night. "I think he's excited because he know that if he lets this go, it could turn into pnemonia and he could die." My grandpa used to be an incredible doctor, so it makes complete sense.

What he doesn't know, is that their doctor is doing something almost unheard of these days...she's making a house call and is coming today to see him. My mom is coming home from work early so she can be here.
And it is not going to be pretty.

We almost wish we could just let it go...the man is 91 and has no will to live, for heaven's sake! But we can't just sit around and do nothing. If we can at least keep him comfortable until he passes that will be okay. There's a reason why he's stuck around so long. I know that God is trying to break throught to him. But the last thing we want to do is pump the guy full of medicine that will only prolong his suffering. Last night my mom broke down, and i wished so badly i could do something.
All i can do is pray for peace...and the hope that someday my mom will see her dad in heaven.

I just wonder how long things can go on this way...

Sunday, August 14

Gotta See Gotta Know Right Now

So tired. This weekend has been one of lifting, shoving, cleaning, driving and organizing.
In other words, i've been moving all weekend, getting ready to live down by Laguna Beach. Today i had the help of (besides my mom) my cousins Jeff and Joey, friend Matt and very pregnant Ginger (Joey's wife)! She helped wash some dishes...being unable to do any lifting or much bending over.
It's been nice to go through all my stuff, get boxes out of storage and see things i haven't laid eyes on in over a year! That's always one of the best parts of moving i think...starting out so fresh and non-cluttered. My apartment looks awesome...i'm so happy with it! i'll have to take some before and after pictures of it and post them.

Sarah comes home from Russia tomorrow...i'm so excited.
How many people can honestly say they are excited about seeing their sibling?

And on Wednesday we leave for only real vacation this summer...though i only get to stay until Sunday because i have to be at school for a "new student orientation" Monday and Tuesday. oh well. :(
I'll get to sleep in my new digs! :D

So tired. That was redundant. Which reminds me... the other day i was in Old Town and i saw a "hip artsy chic" guy walking around with a T-shirt on that said:
"Department of Redundancy Department"


now hearing:
Modest Mouse: Graivity Rides Everything (gooood song!)

Thursday, August 11

"This is from...Mathilda..."

So...why did it take me so long to see this movie? I'm not sure. but i watched it last night, and i can say without a doubt that very few films have succeeded in moving me as much as this one did. Which is probably why i'm writing a little bit about it.
It features Jean Reno and the film debut of an amazing pre-teen Natalie Portman as the two main characters...Leon and Mathilda...flawless casting that shakes off any restraints that threaten to hold the story down. Luc Besson's direction is also beautiful to watch.

"The Professional" tells a story that sounds almost laughable and completely unbelievable: a hardened italian hitman taking in, and, in a sense, falling in love with a twelve-year old girl...and she with him...sounds a tad bizarre and terribly inppropriate. But the sensitivity and skill with which their incredible relationship is pulled off is what makes this film so worth watching.

Well, i don't want to say too much or scare anyone away from it; as i had really no idea what i was about to see, i watched with undivided fascination as it unfolded...and ultimately ended in the best and most brilliant way it possibly could (despite what i may have been hoping for). I honestly don't think i've ever cried so hard in a film as i did near the end of this one.
I just wanted to recommend it to anyone who hasn't yet seen it...though being late to jump on the bandwagon i may just be preaching to the choir.

Actually, just to be clear, I haven't seen this particular version here that i have a picture of. The uncut European version thought "too disturbing" for American audiences; with over 24 minutes of footage included that was cut from the version released in the US. But i plan on seeing it at some point.

ok, that's all for now. Is it stil Thursday? good. just barely.
I think i'll go watch it again...seriously.

Friday, August 5

What the...!??



Yes, we are mature twenty-something young women...seen here filming an intelligent, gripping...ah...drama...thriller called "B Heroes". Watch as our brave heroines battle to save the earth from unsanitary conditions; namely excess moisture and um, lint. Following the exploits of the incredible "Dry Heaver" (Bettina) and the courageous "Lint Buster" (cough-me), we see them rise, and ultimately fail miserably against the cunning of their foes, water and lint, (both played by Kristina).

Yea. I wouldn't even have mentioned it if Kristina hadn't asked me to post these so she could show--i mean--i'm proud! PROUD to be a part of such a marvel of film history! And i want the WORLD to know!!! ha ha ha!

It boasts state-of-the-art effects, expert editing by yours truly, and a killer soundtrack. And hey...clocking in at around 12 minutes, it's a real bona fide short film!

If only i could get it online so you guys could all see it. he he he...

Thursday, August 4

Sarah's News from Russia pt 3...

Excerpts from her e-mail...i'll start after the family greetings...

"SO! Then english camp! Well, we went fishing, and you know how very very much I love fishing! All those times we went to Arizona and stuff and I was always asking to go remember, right? Well our good friend for many years, Joshua.... you know Joshua, dad introduced him to mom in college? Well, Joshua taught us how to fish, and it was really a wonderful experience. We caught quite a few. It was really great. I didn't catch any personally, but Joshua assured me time after time my role was important." he he he...that made me laugh.

"Man, guys, I've made some friends, I pray that we'll be able to keep in touch. Ashley and I bonded most, and I'm really sad, she's going to be leaving. All of the people I've bonded with except for Jessica are NOT going to St. Petersburg.... so I'm kind of sad about that. Saransk was really cool, The first few days I was there were sort of hard. The food here in Russia is not so bad at all. But Russian CAMP FOOD is AAAAAAWWWWFULLLLLL!!!!!

"The last couple days at camp I couldn't even walk into the cafeteria anymore because the smell made me want to vomit!!! My tummy couldn't take it anymore. Praise God they had a 'Bar' there where they sold bottled water and snacks! I would have died of thirst because I did not even want to drink the tap water after I neutralized it with my 'seri pen'. The water there SMELLED!!! After you took a shower you still felt gross! And it was hot! They bought us some big jugs of bottled water (for us americans) But then to our horror a day later we found tons of brown floaties in the jugs, so I had to keep buying the bottled water from the Bar. So anyways, the last two days, I stopped eating the camp food, then I started starving... so itstead I started living on potato chips juice twix bars and mars bars. Guys, I have never felt so gross in my entire life. Next time Sarah goes to russia, she brings lots of trailmix, dried fruit, and beef jerky for HERSELF. I hate to say it, but I ended up eating some of the beef jerky I brought with me [as gifts] just to keep from feeling like I was killing my insides!!!!

"Everything else was cool though! We saying in the morning and the evening.... taught the kids all kinds of cool songs.... it was so awesome how at the very end of the camp on the last morning everyone was singing the worship songs so loudly when before it was only us Americans that were singing.

"I'm pretty tired. But I'm excitied. This has been a lot more fun than I thought it would be, and also, it some ways harder. It's weird.... there's stuff I miss about home, and I know I'm going to be dieing to get home soon (I alread sort of am) The Lord has been so faithfull to sustain me!!! He's so good, guys. I'm going to really miss some of these people. Tomorrow, Ashley Shawn and I are going to go Hang out with Vova and Oleg (the two russian guys) which should be fun. It's weird... the boys at the camp were WAY more open than the girls. It made it sort of hard, quite a few of us American girls got frustrated at the lack of connection we got with some of the girls.

"Okay Gotta go! LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU! MISS YOU SO MUCH. I think if I think too much about home, I'll maybe sort of crazy. Love you again!


Keep praying everyone...she's got another week and a half there!

Sunday, July 31

last day of July- work in one hour

So as of today...i have about 3 weeks until i move down to start at Laguna. wow. As is often the case with my emotions pertaining to big events like this, in the last 4 months i've gone from ecstatic (when i found out i was accepted), to terrified, to anticipatory, to proud, to joyful, to completely numb, to uncertain, to nervous...aaaaand now back to terrified, again! Joy! talk about a wild ride...

The approaching start of a new chapter in my life, however, has unfortunately been plagued with old weights, insecurities and proverbial thorns (though at times i swear they are real) that cloud my vision almost to the point of panic. Such drastic shifts in my relationships, interests and prospects have made me question so much about myself...and i'm feeling less ready to go off and begin the next leg of my lifelong journey now then i did back in March.

One of the hardest things about this is that some of the most important people in my life (and to some extent nearly everyone else, as well) have no idea what is really going's just so hard to disappoint the people you love.
Sometimes i wonder if "being strong" is just a form of weakness because you're too afraid of everyone knowing how you really feel.

In which case i'm not sure what the heck i am...thank the Lord he knows, anyway. even if i don't.

Thursday, July 28

more from Sarah...i got this on Monday

Title of e-mail: icecream chocolate pancakes with sourcream

That is what I have been eating. Not all together. icecream... and pancakes (sort of) that have sourcream on them. Yesterday I had them with this yum yum yummy jam and today I had them with currants. It was tasty.

Please keep praying because I'm a bit worn out and camp hasn't even started. Everyone in this group likes to do do do do do here, and I kind of would like some time to soak things in pray and contemplate. We're leaving for the english camp tomorrow. It'll take a few hours to get there, and i'll be there until I think next monday. So a week.

Tonight we're going to a youth thing. I have to be back at the hotel in an hour. I'm tired, but the Lord will get me through. Lets see.... we went to the field the otherday. I sat and talked to someone I made friends with. That was fun. There was some really beautiful singing at the service today.But I'll tell you more when I get home. I got a spider bite on my leg right next to a mosquito bite. They itch; and the spider bite is super big. Yuck. There was this cute little green bug on my bed last night, and today I saw the most beautiful butterfly. We've taken the bus quite a bit lately. We're the only ones who talk on the bus, and when there's the whole group of us running on and getting off saying "Get on quick!!!" or "this is our stop!!!!" it's gotta be kinda funny. I like walking around. The other day we walked all around and went into these stores to find some euro hairdryers because within one morning, like, three of us blew out our converters. Tell jeff I'm sorry, but his converter sort of blew up and filled our room with the most horrible smoky smell I've ever smelled. It wasn't my fault either. Donna was using it at the time.... well.... sort of. I'll tell you later.

Thank everybody for their prayers. Me and Donna and Matt and Lindy and 2 interpreters went to a resturant yesterday and it took them about an hour to give us our food. Donna didn't even get hers until after the rest of us had finished our icecream for dessert. So we spent about 3 hours at a resturant playing american pop music videos on their plasma screen TV. The food was good. I got  this pork that had cheese and tomatoes with dried aprocots. I liked it. And of course, the icecream was great. They have these 'department stores' where basically they have everything, but it sort of reminds me of the way those big china town areas are set up. There aren't any real stores or anything... and they sell all kinds of weird stuff. I'm sort of going to wait until St. Petersburg to get the rest of my gifts for people. They have these really cheep guitars at the department store for like 1000 roubles. That's like... between 30-40 american dollars. I kind of wanted to get one, cuz it would be funny.. But I really don't want to carry it to st. petersburg. Besides, I've gotta get stuff for other people before I get anything for me. Did I tell you tomorrow I've got a 2 hour busride? The buses here are not nice like the one we had in moscow. They're really funky and old.

Please pray for me. I'm tired. But I'm so thankful! Why? Because I was expecting things to be a LOT harder. I haven't had any real culture shock. I think the closest thing I've had to culture shock is having to be around all these go go go americans. (don't tell anybody that, though!) They're so sweet, but also very different from me. Which is very very good for me... but I think it's going to get a little difficult for me in the next few weeks. So please pray for me, and my relationship with the Lord, and for my camp room mates I'm going to have. I think that's what I am most nervous about.

Please, all of you whenever you think of me say a prayer. Tell everybody thank you. I miss you. Lots and lots and lots of love love love love.


Keep in mind, these were just exerpts. Please do keep praying, everyone!

Tuesday, July 26

little sister

So my sister, Sarah, has been in Russia for about a week, now. I think it's safe to say that i miss her...but it's nice to have a room that stays clean for more than 24 hours!
She's been sending us some great e-mails, talking about the people there, the food, the culture, and the ministry work they're doing and the hardships they have come up against. I'll include a few excerpt from her e-mails, just because they are highly amusing and very interesting. I got this one last Wednesday...

On food:
"Lets see... what have I done lately? I've had lots of iceream. The girls here really like to eat it. (yeah, caus it's so so so good!) I had to fight to get some real food tonight. Me and Ashley and Lindy (two girls in our group) were out at dinner tonight and the girl that was at our table knew very little english. So it was really really funny because we were asking if they had all these different foods and they werent on the menu, and when we asked her what she was getting she said "icecream". So that didn't help we finally ordered these pasta thingies filled with meat and we asked what was on them and they said mayonase! Ugh! So we ordered pasta... w/o mayonas and then ice cream for dessert and Pepsi. Well. First came the little tiny cups of pepsi, and then our icecream came FIRST. Okay.... uh.... whatever. Then they brought out our 'pasta' (very round brown thingies) I stuck one with my fork and it went flying of my plate. The were hard and fried and reminded me of round tacitos (I don't know how to spell it!). So we ate those for dessert after our icecream."

On people, etc...
"All the girls here wear short short shirts, high pants and PLATFORM shoes all around the city. We rode the bus today and jaywalked across a busy street. (mind you these people don't stop for anyone) Ashley almost got hit by a car in the parking lot today. At the bus stop you could see all the heel prints of the girls shoes in the sidewalk. We went to the russian zoo. It smelled really bad and all the animals were pacing around. It sort of depressed me. We saw a satue of pushkin. I took a picture of me in front of it. Breakfast was good. We had eggs with bread with this yummy jam on them. Mmm."

On how she's doing...
"I've slept pretty well. I smell like bug spray. Everybodys got mosquito and spider bites except me. Hope I didn't just jinx myself. I don't know if I'll be able to mail you at camp so I'll keep writing until then. I love you all. So so very much. Colleen... I got you something in Moscow, I forgot to tell you. I hope you like it. The water here tastes different. I've already started to get used to it. The Lord is good, and so good stuff happened today. Please pray for everybody's health. They need it."

Anyway...i just think she's awesome. And as she mentioned lastly, if you all could keep the group in your prayers, i'm sure they would be very thankful. There's some really shady stuff going on over there right now, and it's hard for them to let us know exactly what's happening without getting into serious trouble.
The only way we've been able to learn about some things is through coded e-mails sent by one of the guys in her group to his dad, who then informed everyone else. So prayers are good!

Still hot. Pool good. I've been getting stuff for my apartment i'll be living in, so that's been fun. Bettina and i started re-drawing characters for one of our old comics yesterday...he he he.

You know who's awesome, Ross? Tom Waits!!!!

Friday, July 22

well...i tried.

In response to John's comment on my last post...yu-mmy!
and it wasn't very good. after this picture was taken i threw away the bag...a waste of good sour gummy worms.


My Gummi
gooey worms
Praise the Lord for great big tubs of 85 degree water in your backard.
It's the only thing good (in my opinion) that comes from triple-digit temperatures! I haven't swum enough this summer.

Mark my words...i'll be doing a lot more of this.

Thursday, July 21

Westmont Pictures, &c

I figured i might as well get a few pictures up here from when i went to a conference a Westmont College over the weekend. Here you see a picture of Amaris, my sister Sarah and myself at the beach after everyone left the last day. It was overcast most of the time...but still warm.

And here...
is a picture of Pip, myself, Wankunda, and CyBelle. Good names. In case you're wondering what Pip is doing wth his face...he's blowing in my ear. Hence my somewhat annoyed turn-of-head as the picture was taken. What a sweetie.

And here is a picture of Ginger, the wife of my cousin Joey (middle) and Matt. Don't they just look like nice people?
Yes, Ginger is pregnant.

Once again, to see the photos a bit bigger, just click on them.

I sure hope everyone out there is cooler than i at the's so hot here i'm almost sweating sitting here typing. The pool's about 86 right now. A night swim a little later sounds delightful...perhaps i can scrounge up a few people to go with me...

Laurel, Sarah, Pip, i miss you guys!!!

now hearing:
Yo La Tengo: Let's Save Tony Orlando's House

Wednesday, July 20

Where am i...?

Hawaii? Cancun?
It's 98 degrees and humid outside...and as i stood in the backyard under the overcast started raining. Holding freshly picked snowpeas in my hand and treading the warm grass under my feet, the chilly specks of falling water were a sharp contrast to the stifling air around me. I stood by the pool and listened to the droplets as they hit the surface and stared at the hills and clouds that loomed over my house...thunder rolled faintly over my head...and i shivered a little.

I love it when that happens.

Sunday, July 17

hey y'all.

I got back from a Conference at Westmont College this afternoon, which was a great and richly blessed time. Pictures soon to come!
I had completely forgotten that my copy of the new Harry potter book came while i was that was a fun surprise to see waiting for me when i got in today. I can't wait to read it!
I probably just lost the respect of a great many people...

Hope everyone's doing well...i'm tired and not a little let down at the sudden and unpleasant return to "normalcy". aka: grandpa yelling at me :P, worrying about too too many things, and not seeing dozens of people for yet another year.
It doesn't sound so bad, i'm sure. I'm just feeling a bit of a low after a few days of emotional and spiritual highs, i guess.
Among other things. There's just so much i can't post here...

Now hearing...
Pedro the Lion: I Am Always the One Who Calls

Tuesday, July 12

"...maybe this is OZ!"

Does anyone remember this film? I loved it as a kid; Sarah and i rented it the other night and reveled in memories of it. So fun. It's too bad that it never got the acclaim it deserved, because unlike the 30's "Oz", it actually remained true to Baum's vision and storytelling. It's dark and very chilling at parts, and there are no munchkins! Dorothy (played brilliantly by Fairuza Balk in her first film role) is in very real danger in this film, being threatened by numerous grizzly ends...whether it's turning into sand in the deadly desert, being "ripped into little peices" by the wheelers, or having her head stolen by a very frightening don't for once mistake this world as the same colorful, safe one that Ms. Garland skipped and sang her way through so many decades ago. It helps to not even associate the two films with each other.
The special effects are almost painfully dated...but that adds to it's charm, really. The claymation and exquisite puppetry used in this film are wonderful to behold...such "tangible" effects have long been my preference to CG, and all throught the film i kept wondering how much of the magic would have been swept from it if everything was perfectly clean and computerized. Anyway.
Add to it all a beautiful, haunting score that still drifts through my head every once in a while, it still remains a lovely little "cult classic" of a film. I've gone on much longer than i expected (i imagined a sentence or two) and must now go wash and wax my baby.
i car.

Sunday, July 10

till we are parted by death

Yesterday i attended a wedding of two young people from my church; not the most beautiful or elaborate ceremony i'd ever been to, but by far the most blessed and the most poingiant. How often do you get to witness two people who have known each other since childhood, went to the same college, and courted for 2 years...kiss each other for the first time on their wedding day?

There's something so beautiful about a love that strong and devoted to such purity. I don't know if i could ever do something like that. After they were announced to be married, they took communion together as their first act of husband and wife, to position Jesus a the forerunner and foundation of their commitment to each other. Then, as they returned to where they were standing, i could see the anticipation building in each of them as the minister jokingly took his time, "You see," he told the congregation, "Ben has never kissed Bonnie before, and here i am going on and on..." but then he paused, looked at them, and finally said to Ben, "You may kiss your Bride". And believe was quite a kiss.
I'll try to find a picture of it. (;

Anyway, I should go. it's wonderful how in the midst of such toil and stress as goes on in all of our lives, the Lord still works. And he knows what he's doing. Even if i don't. Which i don't. But that's nothing new.
It just uplifted me so much, despite the melancholy that follows me around, and i so wanted to share it.
What a rare and beautiful blessing.

Wednesday, July 6

Oh, say...

So Monday was the ever spectacular July 4th holiday. And, as tradition, my family had a swingin barbeque at our house to mark the occasion! Complete with good food, fellowship and plenty of fireworks in the backyard (that is, until the Policia showed up), it was quite an enjoyable evening.
That there's little Maisy playing soccer with Dvid and Pip. Though i spent most of the time doing food prep and G-parent stuff (hence my absence from most of the pictures), it was a very nice evening. I made a true disaster of a jell-o dessert that many people sweetly said was quite good (luckily there were pies, too), and then young and old alike took pleasure in playing with the sparklers.
Around 9 o'clock, about 20 of us all hiked up the hill to watch the firework show in the Rose Bowl. It was a good one this year. I tried to be patriotic and sing the national anthem, but Bettina kept covering my mouth.
When the show was over, we wnt back down the hill and to the living room where guitars were pulled out and we sang and talked and just enjoyed each other's company. You can kind of see me in this picture standing up...too bad it's so blurry.
Good day. Go America! Too bad Stina and Laurel couldn't be there. We sure missed them.

Wednesday, June 29

A far green country...

So Oregon was absolutely gorgeous. I had no idea that such incredible scenery existed but one state over! I'm not sure what exactly i was expecting. The climate in Portland is one of my most preferred...rainy, cool, clean, and almost painfully green and lush. The famed Pacific Northwest! I wish i had had more time to enjoy it...but mom and Sarah and i were a bit busy...well...trying to hold a wedding together! The first day we go there, Wednesday, we picked up our rental car...a Sebring convertible!...and drove through Portland to the house we'd spend our first couple of nights in. It had just rained, and the sun was pouring through the dark clouds; so we put the top down and enjoyed and soaked in the beauty of the city. The neighborhoods were like nothing i had ever something out of a faery tale. With the wet climate, there's no such thing as a brown lawn, a dying shrub, or an ugly yard. The vegitation in Oregon is lush and vivid and wildly happy. Moss gave vibrant color to rugged stone walls, flowers burned our eyes with reds, blues, purples and yellows...i had no idea Hydrangias could get so huge! When we finally arrived at the house, we all caught our breath(s?) and gazed upward.
The House
There's Sarah sitting in front of the gate.
Boasting 3 stories, a beautifully attended yet fully grown and sprawling garden, and a 40 foot cherry tree in full fruition, we were a bit taken aback! Inside were grand staircases, rooms whose walls were covered in tooled leather, antique fixtures, and intricate handiwork in mouldings and windowpanes. One of the best features of the dwelling, in my opinion, were the numerous bookcases overflowing with hard-bound antique books. A bit less exciting were the even MORE numerous shelves lined with literally hundreds of romance novels...owned by the elderly mother of the woman who owned the house. The house was built in 1910 and belonged to a friend of my mom's, Liz...a collector, artist, and proud owner of 4 cats.

And therein was the problem. I have a terrible cat allergy, and by the next day, i was in a fit of sneezing, itching and battling a bad case of asthma. So as much as i loved being there, i could really only enjoy myself on our excursions into the very artsy, bohemian shopping areas close by.

By Friday, i was miserable. But by the grace of God, my aunt Susan (the mother of my cousin who was getting married) booked us rooms at a B&B close to the wedding site, Husum Castle, which was about an hour and a half outside of Portland, in Washington. So that was something to look forward to!
That morning, we were to meet Kat (who was getting married) and Beth, her half-sister, and my first cousin, at Kat's apartment, from where we'd drive on over to the Castle. The exciting thing about this meeting was...i had never met Beth before. My mom's side of the family is extremely messy and tragically dysfunctional, resulting in the alienation of a great many people and the breakdown of far too many relationships. On the way there, mom stopped and snuck out of the car and clipped flowers off of the bushes in people's yards to use in the wedding bouquets...because not enough flowers had been ordered. Stuffing them through the windows to me and my sister, she would jump into the car and speed away from the scene of the dastardly crime. Off to see Beth and Kat.
So we met...and it was lovely. It funny to think of Beth as my first cousin because on my dad's side, my cousins and i are extremely close.

I went with Beth and Kat, and Sarah went with mom, and we made the drive up through the amazing countryside you see in the above picture. Once there, we got straight to work. Mom, Beth Sarah and i all went out to collect even more flowers for the bouquets.Picking flowers

There they are!
Once back at the castle, Mom got to work...
Mom working hard

That night soaking in the hot tub outside of the B&B was heaven. Once again, i was blown away by hte beauty of our surroundings. Here is the unbelievable view from the place we stayed...mountain
Lord, you're amazing.

That night i shared a room with Beth. A night light shone softly in the darkness of the room and the gentle rush of a waterfall outside the open window lulled at my sleepy brain. But i laid awake in bed listening to her soft breathing next to me, and i was very happy. I pushed away the thoughts of how insane the next day...the wedding day...was going to be, and eventually fell asleep.

to be continued...

Sunday, June 26

Why? Why did i laugh so dang hard at this?

Tuesday, June 21

Shells Smashed Juices Flowing Wings Twitch

I'm off to Oregon tomorrow to see my cousin get married. Cause that seems to be the thing to do nowadays.

Andrew we should do this .


Friday, June 17

flowery treeeee

Wow...i've really been negligent, haven't i? It's not that i've been particularly busy, i just have had other things i've applied myself to. Mainly, i've discovered how to use Garage Band...and i've been a wee bit obsessed with it. It's really fun. he he...

Kristina left for China today...she'll be gone for 3 weeks. last night i went to her house along with Sarah, Pip, Bettina and her fiance Darrel, and we had a little good-bye thingie for her. I made about 35 cupcakes and we goofed around and played telepictionary. It was very enjoyable. Before we left we all sat and prayed for her; for safety, guidance, wisdom and growth. All good things.
I hope she has the time of her life, and that the Lord reveeals Himself to her in a real way. That would be awesome.

Katie leaves for France and Germany next week.
I'm so jealous.

Lovely Laurel also ships off to Oregon to work for the summer on Sunday, and from there, straight to the East Coast for school...and i won't see her until Christmas! ))):
Not to mention Sarah going to Russia in July for ministry. I'm so excited for her. And worried. But that's part of my job as a big sister, i guess.

It's been a strange summer so far. I had a bad night last week, and it just reminded me that God is doing something with everyone's lives right now. I don't know what i'm being prepared for...or Sarah or Kristna, Katie, Bettina, Pip, Andrew etc...even you reading this.
but i can't wait to find out.
It's going to be good. It is.

Now hearing...
The Smiths: Ask

Wednesday, June 8

"Cute shorts."

This morning, as i celebrated my first day of summer by doing laundry, my grandma, for, i think the fourth time now, told me how much she liked my pajama shorts. She complements me on them more than anything else i own.

Would you believe i just typed out nearly an entire post...and lost it? I hate that. auuugggggggghhhhhhh. sigh.'s been a while. Lots happening. I'm finished with school, people are graduating, my friends are all shipping off to exotic locales, i got a lovely new vehicle, i spent the weekend down in Orange County where i'll be living in the fall...
There's been some tough inner growth, too. I guess it's always tough.

That picture is cracking me up.

This personal realization has come about as the result of primarily two things. The first, being a heart to head talk with my mom over tamales, the second a particularly convicting and wonderful message on Sunday. As a result, i'm feeling just a little more hopeful about someday becoming the woman i'm meant to be in the Lord's eyes...that it's actually possible, and having to realize that change is a part of that. It's so funny how any change can be so frightening, even if it's for the better, even if the situation you're in right now is uncomfortable.
Yet strangely enough, at the moment, i'm feeling more excited than anxious about moving and going to art school. Just for the record...! as it is a rarity.

Visiting my mom's dear friend Cindy over the weekend was lovely indeed. She has a husband and a 13-year old daughter, and they have a beautiful home; complete with an orange grove, cherry, plum, apple, persimmon and peach trees, 3 horses, 2 goats, 3 dogs (soon to be four), swimming pool, and personal gym. I'll be staying in a spacious apartment over the garage in their "barn". stairs
There's my mom going up the steps.
I'm very fortunate to have such an awesome living situation; there's even room in the apartment for an ample studio space! yay! I'll probably start moving stuff down in August.

Well, that's enough for now. Hope everyone's well...

Friday, May 27


Well, our show went pretty well tonight. I got to mess with the korg a that was cool.
Every show has a weird little problem...once Pip forgot his laptop...once there was an ominous buzzing noise that wouldn't go away for he whole show...tonight we showed up and there weren't any mikes, cords or stands...and we were told to "keep it down". :P
pip and i singing.
Needless to say, it still went well, we made do, and we had fun. Plus, we sold 5 ep's! And it's always encouraging how many people seem to enjoy it. That's the point, of course; but the feedback we always recieve is just lovely.