Ants are evil creatures

telepictionary with my friends in laguna is quite fun :)
(9.8.08)












and, a little trip down memory lane.
i posted this 4 years ago today...remember grandma and grandpa?

~

wow i'm really tired right now.

Saturday i "helped" Pip pack up his room (he's moving). we listened to lots of music and watched lots of youtube.
Sarah and Alec are in Texas, mom is sick, and today i had Chinese food in a B-rated restaurant with GP Floyd, dad, Jeff (who wore his new J Crew tie), and Melanie and Ed and their kids. i got some good quotes.

i drove to Laguna, where i am now, and i've done about a half-hour's worth of work on my painting but i think i'm spent. i was going to do homework...but i think i'll just drive home (Orange) instead.
i always wish i could hang out with people down here more but i'm too afraid to call them. even my closest friends. i'm getting a lot better, though! i am!

i've been having dreams about Grandma and Grandpa, that they are alive and living with us again and i am taking care of them just like i always did. i wake up feeling like i haven't slept, and feeling very bittersweet.
i'm debating whether or not to type up a very strange and unsettling dream i had 2 nights ago. it's pretty intense...

for the first time this semester i'm kind of dreading the coming week of school...not for the old reasons (social anxieties) but because i'm just feeling burnt out. physically and emotionally. i feel like i'm placing my hopes on too many unstable surfaces, relying on shaky support.
i need to rely on Jesus completely.

why can't i...?


~~~~~~~

Deep breath...

Grandma passed this morning around 4:15 am. Mom was lying next to her when she had a small heart attack and took her last couple of breaths. She came in and woke up Sarah and i and we went and stood around her bed. I was in a daze...even as i stood there looking at her i couldn't believe it was actually all over! Sarah and i went back to sleep a short while later, we were so tired. When i woke up later this morning she was gone...
"It's really weird that grandma's gone," Sarah just said to me. I am in shock right now. Our lives have literally revolved around my grandparents since we came to live with them nearly 3 years ago. And before that, i was here for about ten hours every Friday taking care of them. and now suddenly it's all over...it's incredibly eerie and disconcerting. Our lives are going to change completely...mom told me this morning she doesn't even know what to do with herself. Grandma and grandpa were why we moved here, our days have been structured around the rotation of caregivers, medications, doctor's appointments, finances...
I have seen my grandmother nearly every day of my life for the last 3 years...my brain just won't accept that i will never see her again as long as i'm alive...that when i come home on the weekends she won't be sitting at the dining room table with her newspaper and various catalogues, her feet up on a stool, a kleenex in one hand while the other is trying to take a sip of tea...
...i still haven't been able to cry. I'm just in disbelief.
Mom busied herself with taking ornaments off the little tree that was in the studio. Emotionally, she's been up and down. There is so much joy knowing that her mother's suffering is over...but she already misses her so. When we moved in here it was the first time mom had ever had a good relationship with my grandma...so the last few years, though extremely difficult, have also been very healing for her. She was able to truly love and respect her mother for the very first time. We have laughed with her...gotten frustrated with her...sang with her...marvelled at her unflappable spirit of contentment...oh Lord God i'm going to miss her so much...

I made mom and Sarah breakfast (poached eggs on toast) and we sat by the fire. Then it rained...and the dogs ran into the house all wet and excited. As we were sitting in the living room, Aunt Wren walked in carrying Caid and we all lit up. He brought a very welcome little ray of happiness as he walked around tryign to keep the dogs from licking his face off. "oo! oo! oo!" He said to them (that's his dog imitation...). Caid and my uncle John played with blocks while Wren talked to mom. Caid played with the dogs. Sarah then sat down at the piano and fiddled around with some melodies, much to Caid's delight. I sat him next to her and he went at it...







a little applause...









The sun is out now and it is so so beautiful outside...
I drive back to Orange again tonight...school in the morning...yea. That ought to be interesting! :P
My head is tired. I just messed up typing tired 4 times. There is more to write but my fingers are all blahguhfkajbmish. So i'll hold more thoughts for later when i don't have to retype every single word!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'd rather be at home...

I just got back a little while ago from the hospital...we don't know what's wrong so grandma stayed the night. She just wanted to go home...but the doctors insisted we just find out what's wrong...then we can decide whether or not to treat it. i don't think she wants treatment. She told us in the ER that she knows John (my grandpa) is waiting for her and that she is going to go to him soon.

It was a long, winding couple of hours as the decision as to how to handle the situation was thrown back and forth.

"All these tests don't do any good," grandma said breathlessly. "They always come up with the same thing, and it's nothing."
The nurses told my grandma that they would get her a comfortable bed, that they would make her better, that she would get to go home soon...
"That's not the problem," my mom insisted. She was exhausted and emotionally ready to crash. "She just lost her husband. I think she just doesn't want to have to deal with all this."
The nurse (her name was Candice) looked at my mom quizzically. "But if we send her home it could get worse..." and went on for a few more sentences, implying that my grandma could die.
Mom wore an expression of weariness and said softly, "Well that may be what she wants." And looked the nurse in the eye.
Candice merely glanced through the papers on her clipboard. "Does she have a DNR [Do Not Resuscitate]?"
"Yes," mom insisted, slightly taken aback.
"Oh, she does??" exclaimed the nurse.
Mom was frustrated...this was extremely important. "That should be right there with all the information."
"Well, i'm going to go talk to the doctor. I'll be right back," she said briskly and walked out.
Grandma's breathing was shallow and her heartbeat irregular. As i watched the monitors there were seconds at a time where she just held her breath. Mom and i had to remind her to inhale.
She was hot, so Juanita and i removed her warm knitted socks and slacks. She was wet so we changed her. We got her some water...

For the next HOUR things went back and forth as three or four different medical persons walked in to enlighten us as to why she needed to remain in the hospital.
My mom started tearing up as she tried to tell the doctors that if my grandma didn't want to stay she wasn't going to make her stay. "We just went through this with my dad in May," she told them. And when all the hospital staff left the room she looked at my grandma, sitting at eye level, and said firmly, "Mom, at the end it took me three days to get them to let dad come home. I fought and fought. He told them he just wanted to come home. And i am not going to let them do that to you. I want to do exactly what you want. That is my job. It became my job when i was given the power of attourney. This is all about you." Over and over my mom asked her "What do you want to do, mommy?" Grandma focused on my mom's face, and said very slowly and quietly "I think i want to go."
"You'd rather be at home"
Grandma half closed her eyes. "I'd rather be at home," she affirmed. "I'd rather be at home...I'd rather be at home...I'd rather be at home..." and she continued to repeat the phrase, growing fainter and fainter until she was soundlessly moving her lips. She did this for two or three minutes as my mom laid her head on the bed next to her.

We told this to the nurse. Then the doctor.
Very shortly, the nurse walked in with a cell phone. My grandmother's primary physycian had called to talk to my mom. "oh, i had a feeling this would happen," mom stated knowingly. At one point my she held the phone away from her face and said to my grandma dryly, "The doctor says if you don't stay the night you'll be a very naughty girl."
"Oh nuts to her," grandma grumbled, straightening her sheet and frowning. I let out a laugh from where i was standing.
"Uh-oh, that sounds familiar," i said, referring to my grandpa.
Mom kept listening to what the doctor was saying. "Mom, Dr. Moore says that she just wants one test. Just one more and you can go home first thing in the morning." When she hung up about 5 minutes later she repeated to her, "this is your decision mom. I'm just the horrible go-between."
"Oh you're not horrible," assured grandma. "You're doing the best you can, i know."

To make a very long story short...by the time another hour had passed, after more talking, more roundabout discussion, sighs, a few more tears and one or two chuckles...it was finally decided that grandma would stay the night and have just a few more tests...only so we can figure out what's wrong. Not necessarily to treat it...but just so she can be comfortable. "I'm going to be a good girl," smiled grandma. "I'll stay."
At least five times my mom reassured my grandma saying, "Mom, i will be here at 9 am to bring you home. You will be out of here by 11 if i have to carry you out myself," said my mom.
"Oh, no, not if you have to do that!"

Mom, Dad and i stood around my grandma with our hands on her and prayed. Susan and Juanita stood nearby with their heads bowed. We kissed her goodnight. As mom kissed her, grandma said softly, "I want to feel your cheek on my face." And mom bent her head down and grandma kissed her 3 or 4 times.
When mom and i left she was being wheeled to a room with my dad and Juanita in tow. Dad actually just got home (2:15am). Juanita is spending the night there, bless her.

So, i don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if grandma could go within the next month...or ten years from now. it's very strange to think about. i don't think i can do it just yet...

i'm tired...sorry if there are mistakes. i'll fix them later.

Driving home it was blustery and cold, vegetation flying everywhere. The sky had mostly cleared, and the clouds were beautiful against the starry clean night sky.

It's now 2:30, i have to leave to pick up Sarah from the train station in about 3 hours. Thank goodness Pip is coming with me so i won't fall asleep driving...
i'm excited to see Sarah. (:

i'm going to try to at least get a couple of hours. oh holy mackerel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this is the title

Happy Birthday to Pip.

It was on the 6th. Yesterday was his raging partaaay. We had excellent fare, good company, and some very engaing rounds of Mafia.
It was much fun, Pip. You should be proud.

Stayed home from church today to be on grandparent duty so my mom could go.
In the past years as he's gotten older, my grandpa has been known to say rhymes or sing songs off the top of his head whenever he happens to remember them. Usually a little diddy from the 40's, or a slightly vulgar quip to make my grandma mad.

The surprise is no longer his suddenly saying them, but what it is he's going to say.
While he and grandma were in the living room and i was making them lunch, i heard my grandpa recite...

"Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
and Jill came tumbling after."

He paused, apparently satisfied with having remembered the whole thing, then said, "Isn't that the dumbest thing?" and his eyes wandered, unfocused, in my grandma's direction.

Grandma kept her eyes on the golf game. "I wonder what that means..." she said quietly, "...broke his crown..."

Grandpa frowned slightly. "Don't you know?? He broke his head!!!"

"Oh I know," replied my grandma. "It's just--"

"What do they care anyway. The people who wrote those things," said grandpa.

Grandma thought for a moment. "Well," she began, "it might have had something to do with the views on the monarchy at that time--"

"Whatever," said my grandpa.

And that was that!

He's been behaving himself pretty well today...which is nice. Because i'm tired. It's gorgeous outside, though...I got some lovely sun on my shoulders. I'm so glad to be on spring break this week.
I don't want to do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

Have a happy Sunday.

the author and finisher

Happy Easter, all.

You know, despite how often i vent frustration here, i have so much to be thankful for. I need to remember that. i do right now.
It's just so much easier to think about every thing that's wrong. Looking for the Lord's hand should be my first reaction to adversity. Too bad it doesn't always work that way.
I've been thinking about a lot of things. And when i think about things...alot, i tend to overthink...and worry myself over circumstances i have no control over. Why do i do this? It's so frustrating. i've already done it 2 or 3 times today. lzibfIubg.

Last night i had "grandma duty". She usually rings around 3 am, and i was up so late last night--until about 2--that i decided i'd just wait up for her to call instead of having to wake up just as i fell asleep.
Sure enough, at about 2:50, she buzzed me and i went in to help her pee and give her her pill. As she was drinking a little bit of milk, she began to do something she's been doing more and more lately...getting it down the wrong hole and choking on it.

It's something that's yet another development of Parkinson's disease...the loss of the ability to swallow correctly. And in the past few weeks, i've been noticing her choking on her drinks more and more...and at some point it will happen with food as well. And with elderly people, getting too much debris in the lungs, or simply choking too much can lead to pnemonia.
I brought grandma's choking up to my mom, and she had noticed it, too. She says that at some point, because of this problem, most people with Parkinson's need feeding tubes. But my mom already talked with my grandma...and she says she doesn't want to have one. I don't know what we'll do at that point.

As grandma sat and coughed, i couldn't do anything but watch her. So i sat with my hand on her back and waited, growing more and more anxious. When she stopped, she asked for a little bit of water. Then i got her back in bed.
I stayed up for another half hour or so, just in case she called again, and she didn't. Not until around 7, which is usual as well. I went back to bed and slept for about an hour more, before my alarm went off, and i got up to get ready for church and help mom with breakfast. Peach pancakes and sausage and fruit.
After telling him about 3 times, grandpa finally began remembering it was Easter. He was in a good mood this morning. He even took a shower by himself before we got up, to my mom's surprise and horror.

Church was lovely, as we had a lot of out-of town visitors; many of them from a sister-church in northern California. Sarah and i went alone, as my mom had to be here with the g-rents, and my dad is very sick. But it was still nice. She drew a fish on my hand.

Anyway. It's another beautiful day... and Jesus is alive...so that's pretty cool.
think about that.
(:

that little phrase

My family still doesn't have help with my grandparents on the weekends, so last night it was my job to help grandma get to bed. It's funny, how taking care of them has become less of a "burden", and just more of part of my daily life. When they need lunch i make them lunch, i help my grandma paint her nails, i make grandpa his evening drink. Instead of caring for them being what i have to do, it's just what i do. We all live together, and right now i can't see myself doing anything else here. And when i'm not being yelled at (which is becoming less frequent, thank the Lord), it's almost pleasant. Of course there are other things i'd rather be doing...but that's not what life's about. And God is working in them, i think. They're both strict Catholics, as i've said before, and every once in a while we see a glimpse of some real understanding of the Lord in them.
So last night i needed to get grandma to bed. It's not a difficult task...once you know how to handle her, but it's a long one.
Mom said she was pretty much ready for bed...she was just doing little last-minute old lady things..."futzing around", as she put it. I walked into the bathroom to find grandma sitting in front of the mirror dressed in her nightgown, combing her hair with her shaky, delicate hands.
I asked if she was ready to go to bed. To which the answer was a 2-3 minute deliberation on whether or not to take her teeth out before she did so. She finally decided not to. So i helped her out of her chair, and mentioned that she should probably try to pee first. She said she didn't have to go. But it wouldn't hurt to try. Okay, she'd try.
I helped her sit down and all that. She lifted up her legs, her right one shaking much more than the left, as usual. She commented about how swollen her ankles were. "It's just awful", she lamented. I said that the sooner she got in bed and got her feet up the sooner the swelling would go down. She agreed, and i said,
"Just try to relax and pee, okay? I'll be back in a few minutes."
"okay, dear."
So i went and brushed and flossed etc. That took about 3-4 minutes and i went back to check on her.
I passed my snoring grandpa and poked my head in the bathroom door.
"How you doing grandma?"
"Oh, not too well. I'm afraid i didn't go at all...i just didn't have to."
"Well that's okay," i said and went to help her up.
As i fixed her nightgown, she mused, "I could have sat there until..." and she paused, thinking of what to say.
Suddenly we both said, at the same time, "...kingdom come."
and we had a little giggle.
Grandma continued to ponder the words. "...kingdom come...i wonder where...that came from...that little phrase..." she said half to herself.
I thought for a moment and as i stood her up straight i said, "maybe it means until the Lord comes back." and i began to lead her out of the bathroom.
She gave a little laugh. "Well," she smiled "that may be a while. Or maybe not...you just don't know."
I smiled back, "no, you don't."
There was a small pause.
"I sure would be happy to see him." She said. "He's such a dear."
I just about lost it in silent amusement at my grandma referring to Jesus...God... as "such a dear", and turned out the bathroom light.
She continued as we walked to the side of the bed, "I don't know if I'd have the nerve to look at him."
I sat her down and smiled at her. "I don't think you'd be able to help it."
"No, probably not!"
And with that, the conversation promptly turned to taking her nighttime meds, taking off her slippers, and getting her comfortable in bed...and all the while grandpa snored away.
As she laid there looking up at me, i asked if she was comfortable.
"Oh, yes, darling. Thank you. I'm so grateful," she closed her eyes. As she opened them again, she looked at me, "I'm so thankful to have such a beautiful granddaughter." And she paused for a moment, "you really are beautiful," she said.
I gave her a sort of sheepish smile, "thank you, grandma," i said softly, "good night." I turned off the light.
"Good night, darling, thank you. God bless you."

5 minutes later, the call bell rang, and my mom and i went to their room.
"I think i need to go pee," grandma said to us as we stood in the doorway.
Mom looked at me with a knowing smile and asked, "could you help her, so i can get to bed?"
Of course i could.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the night before Christmas...

and all down the hall,
grandpa's sneeze echoed,
a primal scream call.

Twas the night before Christmas...
and out in the kitchen,
mom's making cheesecake,
that's sure to be bitchin'.

Twas the night before Christmas...
and under the fake tree,
the Puppy leaves presents
for you and for me.

Twas the night before Christmas...
and there on my floor,
lay all of my gifts,
unwrapped by the door.

My grandparents nestled
all snug in their bed,
all bathed and all clean
for the long day ahead.

Grandma will dream
of cookies and flowers,
while Grandpa will dwell
on how much he hates showers.

Mom will continue
to slave through the night,
preparing the house
like a wee Christmas sprite.

Sarah sits bent
in her computer chair,
creating my gift
sure to give me a scare.

Twas the night before Christmas...
i stop and i ponder
the things in life of which
i hate, and grow fonder.

The love of my family
such security there,
and yet here is where i oft
feel most despair.

The bonding of friends
a warming embrace,
and yet they can give you
a slap in the face.

The outstretching future
so clear and so bright,
and yet all i see
is a dark endless night.

Twas the night before Christmas...
i tell my reflection,
you're part of a plan,
one which needs no projection.

You surely can't see all
or all purpose find,
pray for what ails you,
in body and mind.

Twas the night before Christmas...
retorting i say,
i cannot see 'fore me
and i cannot pray.

I abhor my blindness
i curse my weak will,
Forever i feel bound
to here suffer still.

Twas the night before Christmas...
a divine palm slapped me,
a Godly foot kicked me,
celestial hands grabbed me.

I can't rid myself
of what boils within,
i can't reach inside me
and tear out my sin.

I can't control people
i can't control she
i can control how
i let Him control me.

Twas the night before Christmas...
and i sit in shame,
how could i ever
have denied His name?

How many times
must i wander away,
and let him pick me up
and I'll finally stay?

Tomorrow i want
to think of Him solely,
as i sing as i speak
may he keep the day holy.

It's easy to become
a sad lonely person
who finds Christmas dismal,
and lets each year worsen.

Twas the night before Christmas...
a little more peaceful
a little more joyful
a little more grateful

I find my self feeling
and i say without spite,
Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night.

love, colleen(:

"It was by the Grace of God you didn't die last night."

Funny, how i knew something was wrong before i even opened the door.
Pip, Sarah and i got back from Amoeba last night and walked into the house to find my grandma hollering from her chair in the living room, and my mom and dad rushing back and forth. "He fell!!!! He-he-he's on the floor-oh, God, oh God...someone please get me up!!!!" my grandma was saying panicked and brokenly, trying miserably to push herself out of the chair, shaking and crying. "Mary Jane, you're not going anywhere," my dad came out and told her, "the last thing we need is you falling, too." My mom rushed out of the hall and passed us with a bloody towel in her hands. "He went right through the window," she said as she rushed by. "Could you guys get the dogs out of here??" my dad said to us. "Damn it damn it damn it!!!" my grandma shreiked.
This all happened within about 3 seconds.
Pip and Sarah went into the back of the house to pray as i ran around with my parents and my uncle (who was here visiting last night), trying to calm grandma down, get clean towels, and make room for the paramedics who were streaming throught the door. Huge men in fire uniforms crowded around my grandpa, who was sitting on a chair in the bathroom, my mom cradling his head in her arms, pressing a cloth to his temple. She was crying.
"was he aware when you found him?"
"do you have any neck pain?"
"did you get dizzy?"
"what were you doing when you fell?"
I went back to the living room. My grandma was standing up, supported by one of the paramedics. "I know him, and i need to be in there. They would not get me up! They don't care! I need to know! They just left me here, and did what they wanted to do. I have a right! They always do this! She's so authoratative. She never listens to me. I need to talk to his doctor. i hope they're taking him to huntington. They're taking him there, right? He was a doctor there, you know. A very good one. we know a lot of doctors there. It's where we always go. Oh, Colleen! will you get me over there?"
Keep in mind, that was the condensed version.
I told her NO! we're not dealing with you right now! Please sit down and be QUIET! Then my dad came out. Grandma continued to yell at me as i walked away. I went back to the bathroom as they took him out, his head wrapped up in gauze and a brace around his neck. As they cleared the doorway, i looked into the bathroom and saw the head-shaped hole in the middle of one of the panes of glass lining the wall, cracks going out on all sides, shards and blood smeared on the floor. I could hear my grandma and my dad hollering out in the living room. Grandpa was put onto a gurney. Grandma kept yelling inanely. They covered him with a tarp so he wouldn't get wet (it was raining), and rolled him into the entryway where Grandma was waiting, trembling, with her walker.
"You come home to me, okay?" She said weakly.
He paused for a moment, his bandaged head looking up at the ceiling,"What else can I do?" he said softly back to her.
My mom bent over him and said, "I just want you to know, I love you, dad." as she kissed his cheek.
And they rolled him out.
Dad and my uncle went behind them to the hospital.
My mom made my grandma dinner, and prepared plates to take to dad &c.
Imagine grandma's fury when she found out they weren't taking him to huntington.
"It's CLOSED, grandma. They're not accepting people!"
"WELL CALL THEM AND TELL THEM WHO HE IS!!!!!"
yea.
The yelling didn't stop. My grandma went on to accuse my mother of being nasty, authoritative, selfish...I won't even write about that. I yelled too. My grandma sobbed in my mom's arms by the end of it.
Mom left. Pip and i decided to continue with our plans to meet Kristina and her friend for dinner, even though i had completely lost my appetite. Sarah stayed home to be with Grandma.

Pip and i arrived at the resteraunt about five minutes earlier than when we had decided to meet, around 8:00. So we told the hostess we'd wait for them to get there, about 5 minutes. I was still shaking, a bit bewildered and not looking forward to having to act happy to see two people i'd rather not have to deal with at the moment. But we waited. We talked. 10 minutes passed, 15, 20, 25...we tried calling her, but she didn't pick up. We told the hostess that we'd go ahead and sit down. As we sat there, Andrew called me and told me some new phrases he had learned in Italian. He was genuinely excited. It made me laugh. After about 10 more minutes we ordered food. I didn't really want to eat anything, but i also didn't want to be rude and be the only one not eating. We were at a resteraunt, after all.
When we were about half way done, and wondering if they would even come at all, they walked in the front door, and saw us. Stina walked over with a guilty smile on her face, "sorry we're late." She said.
That was all.
Stina introduced Pip to...her friend...and they sat down. We handed them menus. oh, no thanks. They were'nt going to eat, they said. There was an akward pause. I stared at my plate full of food i didn't want. "Maybe we should have met at a coffee shop or something," i stated and looked at Kristina. She shrugged, and ordered an iced tea.
The next 20 minutes were spent in scattered conversation, forced laughter, and lots of staring at food and sipping our water. I drank a lot of water.
Stina ate some of my rice and i had the rest packed up. We paid. They left. Pip and i sat there for a minute for no reason, really, and then we left.
As we drove to his house, i sat and played the night's various scenarios through my head. I worried about my grandpa. I worried about what this would mean for my family as my grandparent's can't be left alone. I thought about how tired my mom is. I worried about Kristina and her situation and tried not to think about how pissed off i was at her and instead think about how much i loved her. I worried about how behind i am in school...
Pip asked if i wanted to come in. I said sure. We goofed around on his music stuff for a while and he ate some Mochi. Around 11, i left. I think i left my food in his car.
When i got home, i helped grandma to the bathroom and had to tell her FIVE TIMES i didn't want to talk about grandpa, and the hospital, and how mean my mom was, before she finally shut up. Grandpa came home that night. With stitches and a new set of ground rules...he can't do anything without his walker anymore. No carrying things, no fiddling in the bathroom, no getting my grandma her pills...nothing. He's too unstable.
He and my mom yelled about it more this morning as she got him to wash himself. She told him she didn't care anymore if he didn't like her or not as long as he was safe. Because he should have been killed last night. "I was by the grace of God", she told him, that he got by with only four stitches and a banged up shoulder. I stayed home from church and helped her rearrange the tables to make things "walker accessible", and clean out their bathroom, do dishes, and tke care of our new dog (we got a puppy two days ago. A lovely little light in the misdt of the chaos!).
He's so sad. Just sad. Depressed. I don't blame him. He can't even do the little things anymore.
Ugh, i smell. I'm going to go take a shower.

YAWN

Last night i had some very strange dreams. One i can only remember in 3 parts...and it might be kind of boring. But you don't have to read it...

DISCLAIMER...the thoughts and/or actions of the "me" in this dream narrative do not necessarily represent the thoughts and/or actions of the "me" of waking life...

I was over at Kristina's house (or maybe she was over here...it kind of looked like her house) late at night and we were talking, maybe watching a movie or something...i don't quite remember what we were doing but we did it for a while.
I finally was getting tired and i told her i needed to go to sleep. She looked at me and said "well what am I going to do? I'm not meeting the people from my bible study for another hour..." I thought to myself, "oh, i guess i'm just a time killer until she meets her REAL friends..." so i guess we decided to go do something.

Somehow we ended up in some sort of outdoor shopping plaza thing that was all hi-tech and snazzy, and i wanted to go into a beauty supply store to find some styling stuff for my hair. Now that's weird because i never do anything to my hair. Buuut it's a dream so...
Stina and i walk into the store which is sterile, kind of glowed with a green hue and had high vaulted ceilings. I think the walls were made of glass...it was very "futuristic". The latest in hair technology lined the numerous shelves and i looked around the room. Some guy who worked there walked up to me and asked if i needed help. He was about as tall as me (5'8) and had blonde spiked hair, glasses, artsy-chic clothes and all the jazz you expect someone to wear who would work in a place like that. I explained to him what i was looking for..."something to make the waves in my hair more defined, bla bla..." and he flamboyantly, yet aloofly steered me toward the counter, where behind it were the most recent shipments and he handed me a tube of some olive green gunk that looked like minty foot scrub and told me that it was exactly what i needed.
I decided to pass.
I looked around and noticed that Kristina was gone, so i left the store.
I saw her a little ways off with her back to me and when i reached her she had just finished talking to someone on her cell phone...and she was crying. i asked her what was wrong and she told me that her get together with her friends was cancelled, and she was mostly upset because it was supposed to be at her house that night and it didn't work out. We decided to go back to her house.
When we got there, we went into her room. But it was nothing like her room in that it was very empty...just a bed, desk and rug. There was a lamp giving some low light, making the room feel both cozy and somewhat brooding at the same time. We opened the door that led to the hall to find Stina's sister, Rebekka, and a friend in sleeping bags on the floor. They were bickering and poking and hitting each other. Stina went to talk to her parents and as i waited in the hall Rebekka and i got into a HUGE argument about something. I don't recall it's subject. I just remember i was fuming!
The dream fades after that.
Probably because i suddenly heard a doorbell ring...

I woke up and stared at the wall. It took me a couple of seconds to realize that i actually HAD heard a doorbell ring...it was the sound of my grandparent's call button that they push if they need help.
We're getting wood floors put into their room this weekend, so they slept in my parent's room last night. My mom was sleeping all the way in the living room on the couch and my dad was in the office with the door closed. Good thing our bedroom door was open a crack and i'm such a horribly light sleeper...Sarah and Acacia didn't even stir.
I soon understood that i was the only one that had heard it.
I got out of bed...my mass of hair wild around my head, stiff and dizzy from rising so fast, and walked across the hall to the room G&G were sleeping in.
Just to make sure i wasn't going crazy and hadn't really heard anything at all, i put my ear to the door to see if there was any sound in the room. Sure enough, i heard my grandma calling my mom's name in her feeble voice. I opened the door and asked what was wrong...grandpa had fallen, grandma told me. I looked over in the dark to his bed, and he was snugly tucked in...wondering why i was in the room. I looked at their clock... it said 5:01. Grandma was sitting up on the side of the bed going on about how he slipped, fell, couldn't get up, so she pushed the call button, etc etc...
I went over to him and took his hand...
"Are you okay, grandpa?"
He reached up toward me to see who i was, "It's Colleen, " i said.
"Oh...yes...i'm fine."
After a minute or so I went back to grandma who was trying to stand up to use the bathroom. "He's okay grandma." She turned the lamp on next to her bed...which blinded me for a few minutes.
She asked him about 5 more times if he was alright before he nearly started yelling at her, "Yes I'm FINE! I'm not HURT!!" and to be quiet and go to sleep. I helped grandma use her potty chair and got her back into bed, talking to me all the time. I made sure the bathroom door was open the right amount, that their night light was on, that they were warm enough...and i tucked grandma in.
"Thank you, darling," she said to me.
"You're welcome, good night." I turned out the lamp.
Blind again, i left the room to find my way back to my own bed, tripping over piles of my sister's clothes and stepping over Acacia. I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep...but it wasn't quick! The room was getting light again before i finally dozed off.
Even then, my dreams were even more confusing. Not that that's unusual or anything.

And Now...

Pearls of Wisdom from Dr. and Mrs. Kieffer!!!

-Deuce Bigalo Male Gigolo is a horrible movie...but it's fascinating!

-The best place to buy a new bed is from your favorite hotel.

-Pip sounds like a very shady character.

-The louder the TV is, the louder you can yell at each other!!!

-The more magazines you can subscribe to, the better.

-Oprah is just the neatest lady!

-"If it's not one thing, it's the same thing."
~Grandpa

Until next time...take care of yourselves, folks and heed the words of your elders!

Lover's Spat

He heaved a weary sigh as he dropped himself into his chair at the dining room table. It was so hot outside and yet he was chilly enough in the house to be wearing a sweater; a result of the peculiar preferences of his obstinate son-in-law and ungrateful grandchildren. His wife sat just around the corner at the table next to him, still wearing her apron from breakfast 3 hours ago. As he looked searchingly around the surface before him, his weak eyes percieved a mess of piles and clutter that instantly frustrated him.
"What is all this, Mary?"
"Bills, John," she answered him absentmindedly. Her hand was shaking so terribly that she could hardly hold the envelope she was trying to open.
"What?"
"Bills, John, bills!" She said forcefully. "I've been going throught them all morning!"
"Well it's about time someone did," he grunted, shuffling papers all over the table. "There's too much stuff here all the time. Look at all this stuff!"
"Oh, John stop it you're messing up everything."
"I am not---What are you going to do with all this??"
"I'm trying to take care of it so Carol doesn't have to when she comes back."
"Why?"
"John, she's so busy! She has work, and she's been gone, and she'll have so much to do when she gets home..."
"But why are you doing it?"
"Because she's going to have all this to take care of when she get's back, along with everything else she has to do-"
"Well that's her problem."
"Yes, I suppose it is. I'm just trying to get it done for her."
He sighed. "Why?"
"Because, John, she's been gone for so long, and she'll be so tired-"
"I just don't see why you're doing this."
"I'm just trying to help. I used to do all of this for you when I could. I did all the secretarial work."
"And she had to go and take off..."
"John, she's working!! She works so hard, and she's going to have jet lag; horrible jet lag. I don't think you have any idea what that's like!"
He sighed again. "Oh nuts. Nuts to everyone."
"John stop it. Say something nice, will you?"
There was a pause. "I am nice," He replied. "All this crap. Look at all this crap!!!" And he began to rustle through the piles again.
"John, John...!" She exclaimed in a little half-laugh. As he began to chuckle, she regained herself and said sarcastically, "Ha ha."
"Ho ho ho," he said in a monotone voice. "Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum."
"Oh you're so funny."
He sat back with a grimace.
"I just don't know why you have to do anything about it."
"I don't, she just has so much to do."
"Then she shouldn't have gone off to Sydney!"
"But--John--she had to...!" She could hardly contain her agitation. "Damn it, John--John you're a fool right now, a fool!" Her petite frame trembled with pent-up frustration.
He merely gazed around the room. "You're not very nice to me, Mary," he said. "Not very nice at all."

~~~

Dear Mom

I decided to post this e mail i wrote to my mom this morning...

Well, if you ever feel at all unloved or not missed (which, of course, would be absurd), just think of good 'ol Beau. Mom, he is so pathetic without you here! He's always sitting with his head rested on your bed, wandering around looking for you...dad says that last night he just jumped onto your bed and layed there, looking depressed. Poor guy. ):

Sarah and I are really bummed because Our Art Center classes aren't held on the main campus! I was so excited that we were going to get to go to Art Center right by our house...but instead we're going to have to drive all the way down to the South of Raymond by the 110 freeway every week. I'm really not happy about that. Mom...school is going to drive me crazy this semester. I'm taking so many cool classes...but that's the problem in itself. I'm taking too many classes, all of which i want to do really well in and i can't see how I'm going to. I already have so much homework to do and i'm so distracted by everything going on around here; with g&g, trying to sort out their medication fiascos, making them meals, keeping an eye on grandma making sure she doesn't faint again, having to figure out who will be here at any given time, jumping up at the sound of grandpa's yelling, trying to keep this stupid room in order (which is like a full-time job in itself); Sarah and i are fighting more and more, my eating habits are slipping again, and i'm stuck in this mental limbo trying to be "content" and not complain, and feeling like i'm going to explode every time i tell people i'm fine, and that living here is just "a laugh a minute!". Because i want to be joyful in my situation and i want to overcome my mental blocks i slam into when i get stressed out, but i just don't feel like i can and it's scaring me to death...because if there's any time i need to do it, it's now.
Why can't one thing happen at a time? Then maybe i could handle it...i don't know.
I'm sorry for unloading on you. I just didn't know what else to say. As much as i wish it otherwise, this is really all that's occupying my mind these days, aside from the worrying about where my life is going, and what the heck i'm going to do with myself next year. But that's besides the point :
I guess things can't always be peaceful, but i can still find peace. i feel so strange typing that because it's such an unreal concept to me. I wish i'd stop getting so caught up in myself.

Grandpa is arguing with grandma right now about...water. He wants her to drink the tap water. she doesn't want to she wants to drink the drinking water. But the tap water is just as good but she wants the drinking water "oh why don't you stop complaining???" Dad just went out there...
Sarah is telling me how much grandpa drives her nuts

But what i said in the long, rambling paragraph still stands, unfortunately, for the time being. I don't know what's worse...not knowing how to make something better, or knowing how, but feeling so incapable of doing it...?

Feel blessed you are away and taking a break in in a new, beautiful place! I told Pip's mom you were in Sydney and she knew it would be lovely there right now. I'm so glad you don't have to be here, as much as we all miss you...which is one of the reasons i feel bad about telling you all this. I hope you're having a wonderful time. I wish i could have talked to you for more than a few minutes on the phone! Tell me how the job is going, and what kinds of interesting things you've gotten into.
I love you...
love, colleen(:

i'm right where He wants me.

Tonight after a long day at school and work that started at 5:45 am...all i wanted to do was go home where it's cool and clean, hug my mom and have her lovely dinner with my family at our kitchen table; talk, read, do some writing, and have some nice, quiet time in my room and get to bed before 11.

Tonight after school, work and marketing, my sister and I got back to my grandparents house around 9. I opened the windows to air out the smell and the heat and ate some cold take-out in their dining room with my grandpa glaring at me from the couch, the tv blasting news of murders and hot weather. I unloaded the groceries and cleared out a space on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator so my dad, sister and i have a place to put our food where my grandpa (hopefully) won't rifle through it. I did the dishes. I consoled my grandpa repeatedly that all the doors would be locked that night. I got my grandma dressed and ready for bed and argued with her about whether or not it was a good idea to take her back out into the living room to watch tv at 10 at night, until grandpa, laying snugly in bed, snapped at me to do what she asked me to and let her do what she wanted. So i did, and gave her her evening pill. Then i wrote my mommy an e-mail about my day and told her how glad i was that she was settled in Sydney. I argued with my sister over whether or not we should dye her hair at 11 at night. I took a shower and stood in front of the wall heater the way my mom used to when she was little as i dried off. I stepped into Sarah's and my room to find her throwing junk all over the floor looking for her wallet, bemoaning the small size and unbelievable crampedness of our joint living space. I asked her what time she needed to be at school in the morning.
We argued about what a terrible idea it was for her to have a class at 7 am...considering i'm most likey the one who will always drive her.
Then I decided to write this while Sarah got ready for bed so she wouldn't keep me awake. Sarah just walked in with a swim cap on. I won't ask. At least she's ready for bed.
good night...i'm going to check on my grandma.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The sides rose up high above him like walls..."

I'm at my grandparent's house---no, correction, our new house--- taking care of them today. We just got back from a hair appointment, I've got some muffins in the oven, and they're resting. Which means i have a bit of downtime...as long as my Grandma doesn't need to use the bathroom. Living here is going to be interesting. Sarah and i officially move in this weekend. Hooray!

I finished Perelandra (quite reluctantly, i may add, as i often am when i finish a good book). And have started That Hideous Strength. I remember a couple of years ago when i tried to get into the third book, and for the life of me i couldn't. I'm ecstatic to find that now i'm enjoying it quite thoroughly, much to the pleasure of my dad, who has been eagerly waiting for me to read it, as it is his favorite of the trilogy. After that? Not sure. Either the Sil, or another Lewis work. If you hadn't noticed, i'm having a bit of a love affair with Lewis' writing at this point in time! I could, however, think of worse things.

I'm back! I was just dying my sister's hair. Bright auburn red. It should be just lovely.

I remember when i was talking to a guy i work with. As our conversations usually turn to music, books, &c, he one time mentioned that he had read Mere Christianity. He then, to my surprise, said that he despised it. "Made him sick", to be exact. Me, of course being the tactful, well-spoken person i am, blurted out "What?? Why?!?"
He hated the way Lewis presented the unbeliever, despised how he dared to assume so much about someone who didn't share his beliefs. My astonishment and initial frustation turned almost immediately to pity. Not one of a patronizing kind, mind you. That he could take Lewis' words of concern and personal observation for anything malicious fascinated me. It further stressed to me how fragile is the mind and heart of someone who is stuck between belief in the Lord, and it's counterpart. He felt as if he had been attacked, offended, taken for granted, even.
I told him he should try reading it again.

I'm so grateful to have an assurance. I've been upset, i've been confused, i've been bitter...but i've never lost my belief that the Lord is there. There are too many tangible proofs and manifestations of the work of His hand in my life, and in the lives of those around me, to ever convince me otherwise. And for that I'm so grateful.

"'You must cover my eyes,' he said presently; and the two human forms went out of sight for a moment and returned. Their arms were full of the rose-red lillies. Both bent down and kissed him. He saw the King's hand lifted in blessing and then never saw anything again in that world. They covered his face with the cool petals till he was blinded in a red sweet-smelling cloud."...

~Perelandra