sunny rainy days

still terribly busy. but so thank-ful to be so.

trying to read a lot, and draw a lot. my drawing for elizabeth is coming along slowly, but surely...maaaaybe a progress post soon? anyone interested?

i am currently listening to a mix of Low, Fleet Foxes, of course Sufjan, various mixes from friends...plus the "yacht rock" and smooth jazz pip and andrew play at work...
i just finished a splendid book called The Goose Girl, and i am close to finishing Dr. Zhivago.

a lot happening in work and life...lots of creative opportunities (thank you, Lord) lots of wonderful people (thank you again) and all around blessings.

just the problem of inward ache. it's kinda bad right now.
but it's been worse.

Isaiah 49:8-13

⁸ Thus says the LORD:


“ In an acceptable time I have heard You,
And in the day of salvation I have helped You;
I will preserve You and give You
As a covenant to the people,
To restore the earth,
To cause them to inherit the desolate heritages;
⁹ That You may say to the prisoners, ‘Go forth,’
To those who are in darkness, ‘Show yourselves.’


“ They shall feed along the roads,
And their pastures shall be on all desolate heights.
¹⁰ They shall neither hunger nor thirst,
Neither heat nor sun shall strike them;
For He who has mercy on them will lead them,
Even by the springs of water He will guide them.
¹¹ I will make each of My mountains a road,
And My highways shall be elevated.
¹² Surely these shall come from afar;
Look! Those from the north and the west,
And these from the land of Sinim.”
¹³ Sing, O heavens!
Be joyful, O earth!
And break out in singing, O mountains!
For the LORD has comforted His people,
And will have mercy on His afflicted."

Tonight after prayer, after everyone else had left, Jordan was talking to us about his time in prison, and while he was in there the Lord led him to read the prophets...Isaiah, Jeremiah, &c... and those books that to him had always been about judgment and despair and failure, suddenly began to reveal their messages of hope and redemption.

i had just read the the above passage a few days ago. i understood exactly what he meant.
i thought it was pretty cool.

~~~

"And why is it," thought Lara, "that my fate is to see everything and take it all so much to heart?"

~Dr. Zhivago

Current inspirations...

Chuck Close




Nicolai Fechin




C.S. Lewis



Last night's Sunset...











what's inspiring you?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a little treat...

This week there was a major event in the world of Tolkien uber-geeks...the publication of yet one more chapter in Middle-Earth history...

The Children of Hurin!!

Tolkien's son, Christopher has been working on it for ages, and there are some very lovely Alan Lee illustrations in it. Click on the link and read about it! I just sold a painting so i decided to treat myself...i went out and bought it yesterday, along with a big book on J.W. Waterhouse. So that was exciting. (:
But that's all for now...most of the money is going toward my trip to Italy in June...which is also pretty exciting as it's getting closer. Two of my friends from LCAD and i are sharing an apartment in Florence...it's going to be amazing. I registered for my fall classes a couple of weeks ago, and i'm torn between apprehension and anticipation for my senior year. It's going to be a lot of hard work...but i'm beginning to get some ideas for what i'm going to focus on for my capstone (basically, the theme of my senior portfolio).

On Sunday I ate a flaming banana with coconut mango ice cream...so gooood...

On Tuesday i went to the senior capstone presentation of my friend Adrienne Stein...her theme was paintings illustrating passages from Song of Solomon...i wish i could have gotten some better pictures (there's bad glare in this photo) because her paintings were exquisitely beautiful. The one on the far right glows like the moon when there is light on it...

And last night i began my final project for my figure drawing class...i've got a 50x38" sheet of drawing paper taped to my wall with newsprint all around it because charcoal is messy. Well, i'm messy with charcoal. I like the drawing so far...i actually got lot of Alec's face done...but you're not allowed to see it yet.(; I'm documenting my process...so it should be interesting.

I've never drawn something this big before so it's scary and fun. I just hope i didn't go too big and that i'll be able to finish it for my final...

Had a very tiring day today...but now i'm going back to my apartment and hopefully get a good night's sleep. But with my drawing to work on, dinner to make and books to read...i'll probably be up pretty late. oh well...

look! it's me blogging this blog right now! crazy...


gotta clean up my paints...


~~~~~~~~~~~~

My reading of The Robe continues...

"'Were you amazed?'

'No--not amazed; but eager to press on. Bartholomew urged me to leave him. He would make it alone, he said. But the good old man was dead with weariness, so i supported him the rest of the way. When we came out at length on the little plateau in a shady grove, we saw him. Jesus was standing, with both arms outstretched in a gesture of blessing. The disciples were kneeling about his feet. Simon, with his great hands covering his face, had bowed over until his head nearly touched the ground. Poor old Bartholomew, much moved and thoroughly spent, couldn't take another step. He fell to his knees. So did I, though we were at least a hundred cubits from the others. We bowed our heads.' Justus' voice broke, and for a moment he was overcome with emotion. Marcellus waited silently for him to regain self-control.

'After a while,' continued Justus thickly, 'we heard the murmuring of voices. We raised our eyes. He was gone.'

'Where, Justus? Where do you think he went?' asked Marcellus huskily.

'I don't know, my friend. I only know he is alive--and I am always expecting to see him. Sometimes I feel aware of him, as if he were close by.' Justus smiled faintly, his eyes wet with tears. 'It keeps you honest,' he went on. 'You have no temptation to cheat anyone, or lie to anyone, or hurt anyone--when, for all you know, Jesus is standing right beside you.'

'I'm afraid I should feel very uncomfortable,' remarked Marcellus, 'being perpetually watched by some invisible presence.'

'Not if that presence helped you defend yourself against yourself, Marcellus. It is a great satisfaction to have someone standing by--to keep you at your best.' Justus suddenly came to his feet, and went to the door of the tent. A lantern was bobbing through the trees.

'Someone coming?' inquired Marcellus, sitting up."

~The Robe, pgs 440-441


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's Christmas Eve...

Surely, it is an understatement to say that my mind has been overburdened as of late. I can't even begin to write here what has passed within the last couple of days...the usual combination of mirth and melancholy (more emphasis on the latter)...

And tomorrow is Christmas...a mystery that i haven't even begun to ponder. In My Chariot of Sleep (Pip, Alec, Sarah and I) pulled together a small album of hymns and songs to give as a Christmas gift to family and friends. Pip wrote a song about the incarnation called "Blessed Morn", a seemingly misleading title, for the song is that which i could easily describe as being nothing but dark and sombre. Pip and Alec's voices are hushed in weak, almost mournful whispers. And if it wasn't for the last two lines of the song i would be right.

You came down
to this black pit
you gave us love
we despised it
we cut our throats
you kissed our scars
we took your life
you gave us ours

and i
deserve to die
and i
deserve to die

We made no room
in our hearts of dust
for your love
but you made room for us
thirty-three
years crowned with pain
your body sheiding
us from rain

and i
deserve to die
and i
deserve to die
i
deserve to die
i
deserve to die

O Blessed Morn
Christ Our Savior Born

And with those last two lines i can describe it as thankful and hopeful, with those last two lines it becomes an acknowledgement and a celebration of a life led in complete self-sacrifice. Pip and Alec's voices are not weak, they are humble, meek and grateful. It is dark, it is sombre, but hope accompanies all things with which God has his Way.
And though hope is somehting that is almost too hard for me to hold onto right now, i can't deny its presence even in the deepest and darkest of times.

I've been reading The Robe by Lloyd C Douglas, published in 1942, one of my favorite books. It centers roughly around the crucifixion, and how it affects the lives of the main characters. Yet none of them ever meet Jesus, and his role and death is really almost a subplot in the whole scheme of the story. A young Roman soldier named Marcellus and his slave Demetrius are two of the protagonists. Throughout a series of misfortunes, Marcellus is given the task of nailing Jesus to the cross. He is also the one to win Christ's Robe after casting lots for it. The result of this traumatic experience throws him into accute mental torment and anguish, from which his slave worries there is no means of escape. Except for one thing...

This afternoon i got to read about his freedom from that emotional prison. But i won't say what brought it about...though i'm sure one could venture a guess...
I don't want to explain too much of the story because it is fascinating to read it and allow it to unfold on its own. But it deals a lot with hope, and how the life of Christ, this "lonely man" came to save that of the one who participated in taking it from him.

" 'It is very mysterious, sir.' Demetrius was spacing his words deliberately. 'I had hoped that you might be able to throw a little light on it. May I ask what conclusion you have come to?'
Marcellus sighed and shook his head.
'The more I think about it,' he said slowly, 'the more bewildering it is!' He rose, and moved toward the house.
'Well, sir,' volunteered Demetrius, at his elbow, 'it isn't as if we were required to comprehend it. There are plenty of things that we are not expected to understand. This may be one of them.' "

It is extremely beautiful. And a great comfort to me right now...though i'm afraid at the moment i am in that place of skepticism and wondering how there can be any means of escape from my own heart of darkness...

It's Christmas Eve. I'm tired today. i'm still sick...I slept through the morning and into the afternoon. But i'm also mentally tired. I'm praying desperately for God to free me of some of the emotional burdens that are making me so weary...mostly because i can't share them with anyone...and i see no hope of relief. And it makes it hard to even speak, interact, to function...

Pages before the quote above, Douglas, explaining the extent of Marcellus' decline, writes...
"It was possible, of course, that time might dim the tragic picture that filled his mind. He would pursue a few distracting studies, give his restless hands some entertaining employments, and try to resume command of his thoughts.
But it was hopeless. He had no interest in anything! Since his arrival in Athens--far from experiencing any easing of the painful nervous tension--he had been losing ground. The dread of meeting people and having to talk with them had deepened into a relentless obsession. He was afraid to stir from the house. He even shunned the gardeners.
And now--he had gone to peices. In an utter abandonement of all emotional control, he had made a sorry spectacle of himself in the sight of his loyal slave. Demetrius could hardly be expected to maintain his patience or respect much longer."

I can honestly say that every word describing his state could be written about me, except replacing Demetrius with my family. I think my family is very frustrated with me. And i don't blame them.
I fear my outbursts and what they may do to people around me. So it's just easier to be "unsociable and taciturn" (as Miss Bennett would have put it).

I have been spending hours and hours writing lately, trying to make sense of my thoughts...this here is but a glance, it seems, to me!
I have written most of this with a headache and while feeling distracted and only partially coherent...so forgive me if it is disjointed and depressing. I'll probably come back to it later and wish i had never written most of it...but oh well.

Lots of family coming over tomorrow...i'm not sure how to feel about that yet...

As soon as we get some of the songs up online i'll say so. They are really wonderful. Alec did a version of "Come Thou Fount" that is amazing. Pip's cover of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" is haunting. Look forward to it!


It's Christmas Eve...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish i could see better

I'm sitting here at school, preparing for the drive home and the long night ahead of me. There's a western movie playing on the TV.

Saturday night Pip and Jeff played a show and i got to see

Half Handed Cloud!

That was awesome. A musician named Vollmar played, too, which i also enjoyed. There's nothing like seeing any of those guys live. I bought a tour EP and was thoroughly and utterly happy about it.

Yesterday in class (yes i was at school all day on Sunday) someone told me that when i cut my hair i should donate it. I said that that's what i was planning on doing. Lance, (my...uh...painting teacher) who was listening from the sidelines said to me:
"You can't cut your hair! You have ONE good quality and you're going to get rid of it??" I was eating a dehydrated peach slice and i threw it at his head. Nick and Omar chuckled sympathetically. I sat down and continued my painting. A minute or so later i heard him say, "wait...that didn't come out right..." Yeah, uh-huh, thanks a LOT! I thought it was funny.

I'm reading Lewis' "The Problem of Pain"...and I can't even express my appreciation for his wit and wisdom...one of my favorite excerpts being:

"If you choose to say 'God can give a creature free will and at the same time withhold free will from it', you have not succeeded in saying anything about God: meaningless combinations of words do not suddenly acquire meaning simply because we prefix to them the two other words 'God can'...It is no more possible for God than for the weakest of His creatures to carry out both of two mutually exclusive alternatives; not because His power meets an obstacle, but because nonsense remains nonsense even if we talk it about God."

Nothing is more frustrating to me these days than people who can't stand to settle for not knowing everything there is to know about anything there is a possibility of knowing anything about. One of the greatest and most beautiful things to me about God is the mystery, the trust i have to have in Him, the impossibility of my own insignificant little life that He chooses to let go on anyway. I guess it's just insecurity...some man just knocked another guy into a water trough on TV.

It's a fantastic book. I've felt so chaotic lately...and right now i'm so tired. It's nice to be able to settle into something with a ring of truth and some semblance or real divine inspiration. It's like taking a cold shower after a long hard day in the dirt. I felt the same way when i read "Walking on Water", by Madeleine L'Engle. It was as if i had just sat down with her and told her all the stuff i had been thinking about and struggling with, and she knew exactly how to encourage me. Exactly how to reassure the things i was doubting in myself. It was a little bit like i sat down with God Himself. He really blessed those two authors with extraordinary gifts.

Well, i'm fading. i almost don't even want to push the "publish" button because i feel like i'm writing like a drunk elephant who just inhaled too much clove oil and paint thinner...well, part of that is actually true.

Laurel, dear, i am praying for you...

"The sides rose up high above him like walls..."

I'm at my grandparent's house---no, correction, our new house--- taking care of them today. We just got back from a hair appointment, I've got some muffins in the oven, and they're resting. Which means i have a bit of downtime...as long as my Grandma doesn't need to use the bathroom. Living here is going to be interesting. Sarah and i officially move in this weekend. Hooray!

I finished Perelandra (quite reluctantly, i may add, as i often am when i finish a good book). And have started That Hideous Strength. I remember a couple of years ago when i tried to get into the third book, and for the life of me i couldn't. I'm ecstatic to find that now i'm enjoying it quite thoroughly, much to the pleasure of my dad, who has been eagerly waiting for me to read it, as it is his favorite of the trilogy. After that? Not sure. Either the Sil, or another Lewis work. If you hadn't noticed, i'm having a bit of a love affair with Lewis' writing at this point in time! I could, however, think of worse things.

I'm back! I was just dying my sister's hair. Bright auburn red. It should be just lovely.

I remember when i was talking to a guy i work with. As our conversations usually turn to music, books, &c, he one time mentioned that he had read Mere Christianity. He then, to my surprise, said that he despised it. "Made him sick", to be exact. Me, of course being the tactful, well-spoken person i am, blurted out "What?? Why?!?"
He hated the way Lewis presented the unbeliever, despised how he dared to assume so much about someone who didn't share his beliefs. My astonishment and initial frustation turned almost immediately to pity. Not one of a patronizing kind, mind you. That he could take Lewis' words of concern and personal observation for anything malicious fascinated me. It further stressed to me how fragile is the mind and heart of someone who is stuck between belief in the Lord, and it's counterpart. He felt as if he had been attacked, offended, taken for granted, even.
I told him he should try reading it again.

I'm so grateful to have an assurance. I've been upset, i've been confused, i've been bitter...but i've never lost my belief that the Lord is there. There are too many tangible proofs and manifestations of the work of His hand in my life, and in the lives of those around me, to ever convince me otherwise. And for that I'm so grateful.

"'You must cover my eyes,' he said presently; and the two human forms went out of sight for a moment and returned. Their arms were full of the rose-red lillies. Both bent down and kissed him. He saw the King's hand lifted in blessing and then never saw anything again in that world. They covered his face with the cool petals till he was blinded in a red sweet-smelling cloud."...

~Perelandra

Ransom asked what she meant.

"What you have made me see," answered the Lady, "is as plain as the sky, but I never saw it before, Yet it has happened every day. One goes forth into the forest to pick food and already the thought of one fruit rather than another has grown up in one's mind. Then, it may be, one finds a different fruit and not the fruit one thought of. One joy was expected and another is given. But this I had never noticed before--that the very moment of the finding there is an the mind a kind of thrusting back, or setting aside. The picture of the fruit you have not found is still, for the moment, before you. And if you wished--if it were possible to wish--you could keep it there. You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning to the good you had got. You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other."

~C.S. Lewis, Perelandra