Thursday, December 7

i go to the best school ever

For these next two finals weeks LCAD is serving breakfast to the students every morning...oatmeal, toast, waffles, cereal, juice,'s just super. This morning they had Krispy Kremes and hot chocolate...and i admit. i indulged.

On Tuesday they had a bunch of snow brought in and people had snowball fights. It's all gone now, but it was pretty cool...literally! haha

I'm in class and i should be painting right now...but i'm drained. I feel hungover from the class of death yesterday. :P
This next week is going to be so much painting to do...!

I'm going to miss school and the people here over Christmas. Maybe i'll arrange a drawing night and Laguna and Pasadena people can gather and make beautiful art together...worlds colliding!!

i keep moving between wanting to paint and loving never wanting to pick up a paintbrush again. It's very irritating and tiring. I've been feeling more and more like i have multiple personalities lately. Happy, hopeful, bright, pensive, melancholy, angry, afraid, dejected, hopeless and downright self-destructive. And i often go through all of them in a single day...right now i'm somewhere in the middle. It's nice that (aside from the academic stress) being at school has gone from being the bane of my existence to a sort of calming agent in my life. I forget about all the weird and heavy emotional stuff because no one here knows about it...they only see mildly humorous, personable Colleen who they can talk to and joke with and who gets quiet every once in a while. Some days it's hard to keep that front up when i'm not actually feeling it...yesterday was hard. But more often than not, i do okay here. And that's just the way i want it.

At home it's tough because most of you see right through me...and so sometimes i can't climb out of that hole because i can't hide or forget about it.
It's also tough because the causes for my lowness are so far beneath the surface sometimes i can't even understand it and i can't explain it...the rare times i actually bring myself to do so...and when i do understand it it's just too private.
yea. (sigh of frustration)
Opening myself up like this is really difficult...i don't like being vulnerable...and when people know there is something wrong they either always ask you about it or they avoid the subject altogether. And both situations create horrible awkwardness for me.

At least writing is easier for me than talking. And there's a huge deal i'm not saying.
But i really need the prayer.

I want to draw a lot over break. i want to draw a lot of people. i miss all will be sitting for me.

Oh, i'm going to Florence and possibly Rome this that is very exciting.

okay. time to go get lunch...

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