Dear Mom

I decided to post this e mail i wrote to my mom this morning...

Well, if you ever feel at all unloved or not missed (which, of course, would be absurd), just think of good 'ol Beau. Mom, he is so pathetic without you here! He's always sitting with his head rested on your bed, wandering around looking for you...dad says that last night he just jumped onto your bed and layed there, looking depressed. Poor guy. ):

Sarah and I are really bummed because Our Art Center classes aren't held on the main campus! I was so excited that we were going to get to go to Art Center right by our house...but instead we're going to have to drive all the way down to the South of Raymond by the 110 freeway every week. I'm really not happy about that. Mom...school is going to drive me crazy this semester. I'm taking so many cool classes...but that's the problem in itself. I'm taking too many classes, all of which i want to do really well in and i can't see how I'm going to. I already have so much homework to do and i'm so distracted by everything going on around here; with g&g, trying to sort out their medication fiascos, making them meals, keeping an eye on grandma making sure she doesn't faint again, having to figure out who will be here at any given time, jumping up at the sound of grandpa's yelling, trying to keep this stupid room in order (which is like a full-time job in itself); Sarah and i are fighting more and more, my eating habits are slipping again, and i'm stuck in this mental limbo trying to be "content" and not complain, and feeling like i'm going to explode every time i tell people i'm fine, and that living here is just "a laugh a minute!". Because i want to be joyful in my situation and i want to overcome my mental blocks i slam into when i get stressed out, but i just don't feel like i can and it's scaring me to death...because if there's any time i need to do it, it's now.
Why can't one thing happen at a time? Then maybe i could handle it...i don't know.
I'm sorry for unloading on you. I just didn't know what else to say. As much as i wish it otherwise, this is really all that's occupying my mind these days, aside from the worrying about where my life is going, and what the heck i'm going to do with myself next year. But that's besides the point :
I guess things can't always be peaceful, but i can still find peace. i feel so strange typing that because it's such an unreal concept to me. I wish i'd stop getting so caught up in myself.

Grandpa is arguing with grandma right now about...water. He wants her to drink the tap water. she doesn't want to she wants to drink the drinking water. But the tap water is just as good but she wants the drinking water "oh why don't you stop complaining???" Dad just went out there...
Sarah is telling me how much grandpa drives her nuts

But what i said in the long, rambling paragraph still stands, unfortunately, for the time being. I don't know what's worse...not knowing how to make something better, or knowing how, but feeling so incapable of doing it...?

Feel blessed you are away and taking a break in in a new, beautiful place! I told Pip's mom you were in Sydney and she knew it would be lovely there right now. I'm so glad you don't have to be here, as much as we all miss you...which is one of the reasons i feel bad about telling you all this. I hope you're having a wonderful time. I wish i could have talked to you for more than a few minutes on the phone! Tell me how the job is going, and what kinds of interesting things you've gotten into.
I love you...
love, colleen(: