as i laid on the couch this afternoon
my legs dangling over the arm
quietly letting tears fall freely from my eyes
for the first time in 2 weeks
i thought of a series of paintings i would like to do

and i'm a little bit excited

good show!

Well, it's 1am and Blogger will mark this as a Saturday post so...i'll refer to tonight as "last night..."

So last night was the reception for the exhibition of the artwork inspired by the trip to Europe last summer...and i put my epic painting in it. Remember the painting i was all panicked about a few months ago? Well that was the one...yes, i actually did finish it. It kind of took on a life of its own and turned out quite different than what i had expected it to. I entitled it "Hope".
I got amazingly encouraging feedback about it last night as the gallery was crowded with students, teachers and various perusers of artwork. And guess what? it sold! Someone bought it! I couldn't believe it!! So that was wonderful.

Here's a picture of me next to it taken a few days ago. i'm still waiting to get a good photograph of the actual painting because it looks so much different in person. There is a lot more color and subtlety. And i'm picky when it comes to how my work is reproduced...which i should probably get over because no reproduction is ever exactly like the original...but still.

So next week it's being shipped off to a private collection in Maryland...wow! sniff. i'll miss my painting...it was such a labor of love and hate and epiphany and frustration...sigh.

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At around 8 i'm getting up...my grandmother's memorial service is a 10:30. I don't really know how i feel about it...i'm kind of dreading it. It will be a celebration of her life, and as Christians we're all so joyful that she's with Jesus now...but my grandma was Catholic, so it will be at the church that she and my grandpa went to years ago. I really really don't like ritualistic funerals...but at least my family and i get to sing some hymns. I'm glad we could slip some of that into the liturgy. My sincere apologies to any Catholics out there...but i'm just not a fan of liturgies.

Well i should go to bed. First i have to get Sarah to clear off the sofa so i can pull out the bed and go to sleep. My uncle Steve is staying where i sleep in the office, and my cousins Beth and Kat (and Kat's 2 month old baby Sophia) are in my grandma's bedroom. Full house once again...

tired.
good night...


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Mawwage

Yesterday our dear friend Nicole got married...Sarah Alec and i drove down to Coronado for the festivities...

It was a very nice drive, and it only took up about 2 hours to get there from Pasadena. We arrived a little over an hour early and got to see the wedding party show up. Here is Amaris, who was a bridesmaid, walking into the church. So lovely! Sarah and i walked into town for about a half hour and looked at the shops...i hadn't been to Coronado for a few years and it was weird how much i remembered.
Once we got back to the church the 3 of us changed into our wedding outfits...formal black tie dress code was a requirement! Jeannie tried to get Tom's bowtie to tie as she looked at illustrated directions he was holding up for her...with little luck. During the wedding, at one point i looked over at him and the bowtie was a little bedraggled mess hanging pitifully down the front of his shirt. It was pretty great. Sarah wore my grandmother's white mink coat and looked just stunning. Alec left his awesome white bowtie at home ): But he still looks pretty stunning, too. On the way to the wedding Sarah sewed 6 buttons on the inside of Alec's dress pants so he could wear the white suspenders...which totally makes the outfit, in my opinion. With or without the chucks. If only he had had that bowtie...
The wedding was blessed and sweet and Nicole looked bright and beautiful. Afterwards we drove over to the naval base for the reception...

Sarah, Alec and Jeff
Joey, Sarah, Anna, Alec

And some lovely pictures of lovely Sarah during dinner...














Sarah and Amaris...


Proof that i was there...

The instant the dance floor was open, Alec and Trevor Bishop jumped out there and began tearing it up. Then Matt ran in a little later...i love how you can hear people cracking up behind the camera. Keep in mind there are at least 100 guests seated and standing around that you can't see!

At one point Alec dragged Sarah out on the dance floor and...well...you can just watch (sorry the quality is bad!)...



Some blurry pictures of Nicole dancing et cetera...




All in all, it was a very nice evening. I was the only woman in pants...it made me happy.

Alec drove home because i'm blind at night. We got in around 12:30. zzzzzzz.........

school tomorrow...


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Kingdom Come

I was looking through some of my archived posts. I have so many about grandma and grandpa...
This was almost two years ago...

That Little Phrase

It was very strange coming home from Laguna to an empty house. I always thought i would like it more...
i still haven't grasped the fact that she's not here...it's still unreal. I think it's going to take a long time. Isn't it weird when your head and your heart just can't get along?


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Deep breath...

Grandma passed this morning around 4:15 am. Mom was lying next to her when she had a small heart attack and took her last couple of breaths. She came in and woke up Sarah and i and we went and stood around her bed. I was in a daze...even as i stood there looking at her i couldn't believe it was actually all over! Sarah and i went back to sleep a short while later, we were so tired. When i woke up later this morning she was gone...
"It's really weird that grandma's gone," Sarah just said to me. I am in shock right now. Our lives have literally revolved around my grandparents since we came to live with them nearly 3 years ago. And before that, i was here for about ten hours every Friday taking care of them. and now suddenly it's all over...it's incredibly eerie and disconcerting. Our lives are going to change completely...mom told me this morning she doesn't even know what to do with herself. Grandma and grandpa were why we moved here, our days have been structured around the rotation of caregivers, medications, doctor's appointments, finances...
I have seen my grandmother nearly every day of my life for the last 3 years...my brain just won't accept that i will never see her again as long as i'm alive...that when i come home on the weekends she won't be sitting at the dining room table with her newspaper and various catalogues, her feet up on a stool, a kleenex in one hand while the other is trying to take a sip of tea...
...i still haven't been able to cry. I'm just in disbelief.
Mom busied herself with taking ornaments off the little tree that was in the studio. Emotionally, she's been up and down. There is so much joy knowing that her mother's suffering is over...but she already misses her so. When we moved in here it was the first time mom had ever had a good relationship with my grandma...so the last few years, though extremely difficult, have also been very healing for her. She was able to truly love and respect her mother for the very first time. We have laughed with her...gotten frustrated with her...sang with her...marvelled at her unflappable spirit of contentment...oh Lord God i'm going to miss her so much...

I made mom and Sarah breakfast (poached eggs on toast) and we sat by the fire. Then it rained...and the dogs ran into the house all wet and excited. As we were sitting in the living room, Aunt Wren walked in carrying Caid and we all lit up. He brought a very welcome little ray of happiness as he walked around tryign to keep the dogs from licking his face off. "oo! oo! oo!" He said to them (that's his dog imitation...). Caid and my uncle John played with blocks while Wren talked to mom. Caid played with the dogs. Sarah then sat down at the piano and fiddled around with some melodies, much to Caid's delight. I sat him next to her and he went at it...







a little applause...









The sun is out now and it is so so beautiful outside...
I drive back to Orange again tonight...school in the morning...yea. That ought to be interesting! :P
My head is tired. I just messed up typing tired 4 times. There is more to write but my fingers are all blahguhfkajbmish. So i'll hold more thoughts for later when i don't have to retype every single word!


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I'm back home tonight...i came right after school. When i arrived Jeannie and Jan were here, then my aunt Wren came and we all sang to grandma. i know she heard us because at one point i could tell she almost started crying. She is so close...
She's really fighting to breathe right now. We've been telling her how wonderful it is that she's about to go to paradise to meet Jesus, in a new body, glorified and perfect...

It was strange to be back at LCAD today...trying to assume an air of normalcy despite my heavy spirit. I didn't feel like i was really there. I was okay until i had to talk to somebody one on one. When people asked me how my break was i almost laughed...then told them it was good and changed the subject. :P
i kind of feel bad...i wasn't very talkative...but it was alright. I've got some really interesting classes this time around.

I was also interviewed for an article that will be in a couple of local papers (concerning my artwork that is up in the gallery right now), so that was neato. I told her about the trip to Vienna and Prague last summer and how it inspired my work and how it inspired the painting...&c &c. I wish my head had been clearer...and i apologised to the woman who i was talking to. She knew the situation i was in and reassured me that i was doing just fine and that i was "very quotable". (:
then i drove home, which only took about two hours today.

oh sigh, life is weird. i don't know what i'm feeling...with everything that has gone on in the last month i am so so tired...don't you ever just feel so exhausted in both body and soul that no amount of rest could ever seem to relieve it...? i know everyone has. And you guys know i'm not trying to complain...many of you have been so wonderful to my family and to me...but i just find it so hard to talk right now...even to those i'm close to...and i want you to know why.
I'm at a loss of words and feelings...i haven't even been able to shed a tear for the last couple of days (which is very uncharacteristic of me...as i usually cry at the drop of a hat). i've even tried to...but i just feel so dry...!

i don't know if i should go to bed or not...


Lord please take her soon. Please take her home.


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My grandma is dying. I think it's safe to say that she will be gone in a few days...

i'm about to drive back to Orange...i start school in the morning. i just said good bye to my grandma. i told her how much i loved her and i told her all the things i am grateful for that she has brought to my life. She couldn't talk to me...she opened her eyes for a few seconds at one point...and every time i said i loved her she tried to mouth it back to me.
walking away from her was so hard to do...

now i have to go.


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over the weekend...

As you most likely gathered, i was down in Laguna last week.
I've been doing work at the school helping set up the gallery (which i have a painting in!), some secretarial work, and some design work as well. On Thursday evening Sarah and Alec drove down to Orange to visit me. (: We hung out a little bit and then decided to go get food. We went out to eat at the Thai House Cafe...they have some pretty mean curry.









Back at my place we hung out and looked through old pictures, sketchbooks, my diary from when i was ten years old (which was pretty hilarious), and other such things.

As the evening waned it was brought to my attention that Alec forgot to bring something to sleep in...so i gleefully dug through my drawer and found a pair of Christmas pajama pants i had forgotten about with candy canes and mugs of hot chocolate all over them. I also lent him a garishly red old t-shirt and the ensemble was complete! (the socks are his) Then i put on a mix cd Pip made me a couple of years ago titled: "Summer of Fire 1986, or, Dilapidated Grandeur". And we danced around to it until we were warm (it was a cold night) and tired. There are no pictures of this, unfortunately, because when i happen to actually participate in something it goes undocumented. oh well. I was wearing a ten-year-old pair of plaid shorts and blue striped socks up to my knees.
it was pretty sweet.
Then we said good night and Alec slept in the painting/guest room and Sarah and i retired to my room.

In the morning we headed into Laguna for breakfast at Zinc's Cafe. It was a chilly, clear gorgeous morning (despite the lack of clouds) and i ordered their last bowl of oatmeal and a Cappuccino, which Alec told me was a pretty lame one. I guess he would know, being a barista and all. But i'm not picky so i was content with it.
Zinc's is a vegetarian restaurant, which is perfect for the two weirdos i was with. Sarah and Alec both wanted to get Zinc Burgers (veggie burgers), but we had to wait until 11 am for lunch to be served. So while we were waiting Alec and i both got out our cameras. Sarah was really happy to be sitting in the middle of us at that point. hehe...




little feathered friend




I then took out my sketchbook and let Alec have at it. I shot a gazillion pictures of him drawing in it. Here are but a few...
























~~~

Then i had to hi-tail it out of there and be back in Pasadena by 1.
And that's where i got to see my clouds as i drove toward the San Gabriel Mountains...










sigh...


Saturday morning there was the women's prayer meeting. Then Sarah, Amaris and i went to lunch and got Mexican food. Sarah's burrito wasn't quite big enough...



:D






~~~
That evening was a bittersweet one...
Grandma is doing a little better now, but Saturday night she was suffering so badly. Some of my very dearest friends came over...Katie, Bettina and Pip (Alec was already there)...it was so lovely to see Katie and Bettina. i only get to see them about every ten years or so...

Sarah, Katie and Bettina

...and we all had dinner with my family and laughed and talked, and every so often gathered in my grandma's room and pray for her. Mom, Sarah Alec and i sang some hymns for her as well, to try and calm her as the spasms in her legs worsened and her breathing became even more shallow. She finally fell asleep for at least a little while.

We then migrated to the studio where we all snuggled up on the couch and watched "The Adventures of Pete and Pete"...specifically, a couple of shorts and the episode with Mr. Tastee. Then Katie and Bettina left into the frigid night. Sarah, Alec, Pip and i were so tired that we just stayed cozy on theh couch in the dimly lit room and all fell asleep for a little while. At one point i got up and got my camera and took a picture...

From the left there's Sarah, Alec and Pip...who's completely covered by the cream colored blanket.

~~~

Of course Sunday was church...



Afterwards My aunties Jeannie, Wren and Robin and our friend Jan all came to visit my grandma. She was so happy to see people...her spirits are lifting. The oxygen tank we have her "hooked up to" is helping. She still can't walk and her speaking is difficult, but it's nice to see her smile.
Then cousin Anna came by! and the 4 of us (Anna, Sarah Alec and i) went and got sushi for dinner.
It was fun hanging out with my cousin. (:

Upon arriving home, Sarah and Alec and i sat with my grandma for a good while and she talked to us about her visit to the Holy land back in the 60's (i believe). As she did so she clutched her rosary, the one my grandpa had given her, which she had taken with her as she retraced the steps and the life of Christ. She was so grateful just to have the 3 of us sit and listen to her...
Then she got too tired to talk, and i helped her take some of her many many meds we are using to try and keep her comfortable...
We really have no idea how long she has. We know she has heart failure...but my grandma has a knack for bouncing back...

I'm trying to teach myself to play the piano again...

I was telling Katie the other day that, with everything going on...both the spoken and the unspoken, i really don't know how to feel right now. Lots of conflicts of joy and sadness, pain and happiness, grief and gladness, anger and peace. Sometimes life just lacks grey areas, you know? Last night was difficult for so many reasons...

I start LCAD again tomorrow...i'm looking forward to that...but not without the side of trepidation that goes with it! It could be a lot worse though...and i'm so grateful i'm not in the same place i was last year as far as school is concerned. i also wish i could be here for grandma...
I need to go get art supplies today. Then i'll be driving back to Orange...

it's so cold right now...last night it dipped into the low 30's. That's cold for southern California! Right now it's in the 50's outside...i love it. I love the cold. As long as i'm properly attired for it.

off i go. lots to do...


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