my inner child...?

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

pretty accurate, actually.
maybe it's just the mood i'm in today...

that illustration is a bit pathetic...

Guess who got here yesterday...?

Laurel!! hooray!
She arrived last night around 8 just in time for prayer meeting, after which she, Sarah, Pip and i went for a night walk around the neighborhood and into the hills. it was lovely...we walked all the way up to Art Center before turning around.
Then Sarah Laurel and i drove down to my apartment in Orange because i had to be at school today to paint. This is Sarah and Laurel sitting on the couch...Laurel in one of her "ridiculous dresses" (as she called them)...


  


So they came to my class with me...and watched me paint! They entertained themselves with weird stories and reading and drawing, etc. in fact, here's a picture of Laurel telling a surely very enthralling tale (as most of hers are...)



  

and looking intelligent (as she always does...)


  

we took an overly long break for Lunch, met with a friend from school, and i showed them aroud the campus. Here are Sarah and Laurel walking around the sculpture area (along with some...er...sculptures)


  



  

Oh, and here is a hillside, "so Chad can see what the hills look like here", said Laurel.


  

...
After class we drove back to Pasadena, Sarah went to class, and Laurel and i made Trader Joe's fajitas (very good) and watched Howl's Moving Castle...

very strange...but also very good. Miyazaki is my hero...for any of you people out there that may not already know that.

Then back down to Laguna again on Friday for a meeting about the Europe trip...i'm starting to get a little tired of driving so much...especially with gas at $3.49 a gallon.

it is now time for me to begin the long process of going to bed. Actually, a shower sounds pretty good right now.

a little hello to

Acacia

...we were thinking about you today. (:

Cool

Working Hard

There are some areas in the garden waaaaay out in the backyard that haven't been touched for years. So after a lovely breakfast with mom and Sarah we spent the rest of the afternoon out pulling ivy, hacking bamboo, uprooting zillions of Chinese Elms, and hoeing, raking, etc etc...
After hiking with Pip on Wednesday, running yesterday, and hours of work today, my muscles are feeling the satisfying soreness of exercise and activity. Not to mention legs and shoulders considerably rosier than they were a few days ago! The best thing about summer is i'm always more active...i feel better and take better care of myself.

Mom being awesome...


Oh, i made some awesome guacamole and we had it with chips for lunch.

...

The emotional air in the house has been swinging madly between loving happiness and ruthless despair in the past week or so...God is doing some mysterious things right now. I'm not sure what is going on, but i'm trying to trust him.

love.

IM A SUPER BIG GEEK

aaah

School is done! Well, for the most part. I still haven't finished my figure painting so some of us are arranging for another day with the model next week. But other than that...mmmm. Sweet Relief!

3 things i'm excited about...

~Doing my own artwork
~sleeping in
~X-MEN!

later gators...

Highway 133

The drive to school was so beautiful the past few weeks...the hills are blanketed in yellow wildflowers...i'm actually looking forward to a little warm weather.

I'll be at school painting again tomorrow and Monday...and then i'm done!!! aaahhhhhh...

Weird week. The little sleep i got was light and troubled...two nights were especially bad. sometimes i really hate living alone. I don't know why i was under such attack...

anyway, i'm better now after a good sleep-in back at home. Last night Sarah and i watched Monsoon Wedding...i loved it. Films that make you really feel the substance and importance of another culture have such a huge impact on me.

oh...i adjusted the comments box so you can leave a little note even if you're not a member of blogger.

Hope everyone is faring well!

I wish i could see better

I'm sitting here at school, preparing for the drive home and the long night ahead of me. There's a western movie playing on the TV.

Saturday night Pip and Jeff played a show and i got to see

Half Handed Cloud!

That was awesome. A musician named Vollmar played, too, which i also enjoyed. There's nothing like seeing any of those guys live. I bought a tour EP and was thoroughly and utterly happy about it.

Yesterday in class (yes i was at school all day on Sunday) someone told me that when i cut my hair i should donate it. I said that that's what i was planning on doing. Lance, (my...uh...painting teacher) who was listening from the sidelines said to me:
"You can't cut your hair! You have ONE good quality and you're going to get rid of it??" I was eating a dehydrated peach slice and i threw it at his head. Nick and Omar chuckled sympathetically. I sat down and continued my painting. A minute or so later i heard him say, "wait...that didn't come out right..." Yeah, uh-huh, thanks a LOT! I thought it was funny.

I'm reading Lewis' "The Problem of Pain"...and I can't even express my appreciation for his wit and wisdom...one of my favorite excerpts being:

"If you choose to say 'God can give a creature free will and at the same time withhold free will from it', you have not succeeded in saying anything about God: meaningless combinations of words do not suddenly acquire meaning simply because we prefix to them the two other words 'God can'...It is no more possible for God than for the weakest of His creatures to carry out both of two mutually exclusive alternatives; not because His power meets an obstacle, but because nonsense remains nonsense even if we talk it about God."

Nothing is more frustrating to me these days than people who can't stand to settle for not knowing everything there is to know about anything there is a possibility of knowing anything about. One of the greatest and most beautiful things to me about God is the mystery, the trust i have to have in Him, the impossibility of my own insignificant little life that He chooses to let go on anyway. I guess it's just insecurity...some man just knocked another guy into a water trough on TV.

It's a fantastic book. I've felt so chaotic lately...and right now i'm so tired. It's nice to be able to settle into something with a ring of truth and some semblance or real divine inspiration. It's like taking a cold shower after a long hard day in the dirt. I felt the same way when i read "Walking on Water", by Madeleine L'Engle. It was as if i had just sat down with her and told her all the stuff i had been thinking about and struggling with, and she knew exactly how to encourage me. Exactly how to reassure the things i was doubting in myself. It was a little bit like i sat down with God Himself. He really blessed those two authors with extraordinary gifts.

Well, i'm fading. i almost don't even want to push the "publish" button because i feel like i'm writing like a drunk elephant who just inhaled too much clove oil and paint thinner...well, part of that is actually true.

Laurel, dear, i am praying for you...

pictures

Pertaining to the last post. Click to enlarge...

The Dancers




Receiving our plaques


Standing with one of my pieces holding my award whilst smiling strangely in front of said finger paintings (That should be a song title or something)


Das ist alle heute. Tschuss!

Sparkle Motion

I'm on break in my painting class...i'm doing a painting that i actually kind of like...which is always good.

i haven't posted in a while and people have been bringing it to my attention so HERE YOU GO!

Not too much to report...just trying to get things back to normal at the house. My mom and my grandma are having a pretty hard time. My grandma goes through periods of suddenly realizing that he's really not there...and almost can't stand it. If there were more people these days that were as devoted to each other as they were this world would be a much better place.


It's good to get back to school for just a little while (two more weeks!) and get my mind off of things. UNfortunately i'm just a wee bit behind...after missing a week and a half of school...so i'm a little stressed out. oh well. By next Tuesday it'll all be over! THen all i have to do is worry about finding a job for the summer...

Something else that makes me happy is that i'm actually going to miss school over the summer...i NEVER miss school! Last semester i was so terrified of my new surroundings i didn't really get to know anyone. But i actually started making some real friends this time around. Some days, though, i'm still terrified because i'm so shy and insecure sometimes...but there are some people at LCAD who are so genuinely friendly and that's been very helpful at getting me to open up a bit. i also pray a LOT.

On Sunday i had one of the most bizarre experiences of my life. Four people from my school and i were chosen to recieve an award from a foundation that gives scholarships to art schools and performing arts programs. So out in Lake Forest we all met and hung our artwork in a very big room with fingerpaintings everywhere and waited for our families. We were all standing there when all of a sudden little girls between the ages of about 9-14 came in caked with drag-queen-esque makeup and leotards and began giggling and stretching and jumping around. We all looked at each other...confused...and we were told that we were standing in the "changing room" and that we had to leave.

So we went into the next room where the "ceremony" was to be held, and Betty, our instructor, told us that it would be a sort of combined ceremony...and before our awards were given there would be a small dance recital. oookay...

So my family gets there and i tell them what's up and we sit down and wait. The program said that we would only be there from 2:30-3:15 so i wasn;t worried...it might be a bit amusing! As i sat, I looked around the room and there were about 30 huge paintings covering the wall. They were not very good...i was kind of embarrassed because if there is one thing my parents are a bit prudish about, it's bad art. After a little while the kids started dancing. Then more danced. Then more danced. then one danced. then more. then more. then one. then more. one. more more more...
intermission. Intermission????

Dad went outside. Mom and Sarah and i stood in back and giggled to each other as the dancing started all over again. The icing on the cake was when a famliar orchestral opening came on as a dance number began. my friend Danny turned around and said to me, "is this Bjork??"
it was. Joga. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry...
the best part was tha there were these old ladies sitting behind Sarah and i who kept saying things like,
"wow, these kids are great!" "yea, they're so talented" "this is really good" "Oh, what amazing kids".
And they probably couldn't hear very well because they were talking very loudly. Sarah and i almost couldn't look at each other we were so close to losing it.

an hour and a half later we had our names called, got our plaques, and in 5 minutes the whole thing was over.

yeah. I thought you'd like that. mmm, Nick just gave me some puffins.

Anyway i should get back to my painting that i kind of like.

This will run in the L.A. Times tomorrow...

Dr. John Phelps Kieffer M.D.

Passed away quietly in his home in Pasadena on the
morning of April 14, 2006, Good Friday, holding the
hand of his beloved wife, Mary Jane. Born May 16,
1914, he is survived by his wife, 3 children Steven,
John and Carol, 5 grandchildren, and 2
great-grandchildren.

John graduated from Loyola University of Chicago’s
Stritch School of Medicine in 1938. He enlisted in the
U.S. Air Force 6 months before Pearl Harbor, where he
served as captain and flight surgeon in World War II.
After the war, he began practicing obstetrics and
gynecology, and opened his own office in Pasadena with
partner Dr. George Lancaster M.D. in 1949. John was on
the staff of the Huntington Memorial Hospital for over
35 years, serving the community of Pasadena with love
and commitment, and delivering over 5,000 babies.

John and Mary Jane celebrated their 59th wedding
anniversary in February. It was a marriage
characterized by true and unwavering devotion between
a husband and wife. His family is proud to remember
him as a man who showed great integrity, who loved his
family, his work, and his God. We rejoice in his
passing into the arms of the Lord, and we will miss
him dearly.

The Wonderful Good-Night

My grandpa died last night.

At about 3:30 this morning (hadn't been sleeping for more than a half hour or so) i heard Mele, our caregiver knocking on my parent's bedroom door.

We went into the bedroom where my grandma was laying next to him clutching his hand...he was gone.

My dad woke up Steve and John. We turned off the oxygen. My grandma began to weep bitterly...

I won't go into much detail...but needless to say the following hours were a mixture of sadness and peace, of mourning and relief. Relief because my grandpa is finally free of his suffering...free of his wretched earthly shell...and he is seeing Jesus Christ in person...right now!

I still can't believe that all there is is my grandma now. She sat for the longest time by his side...stroking his face, touching his ears, his chin, his snowy white hair...telling me about what a wonderful man he was. And he was.

My grandfather was An Air Force Flight Surgeon and served in WWII. He was an OBGYN and delivered over 5,000 babies with those beautiful hands of his. Before he fell prey to the despair of his deteriorating eyesight, he was kind. He was loving and happy and jovial. He sang a lot. I remember skipping with him in the backyard. I remember him drawing pictures for my sister and i...

My mom has been going through old photos of him when he was truly her daddy. A tall, handsome smiling man holding his 3 children.
Funny enough, though i never knew him as that man, that's how i'm beginning to think of him. Or at least i'm trying to remember him the way he was when i was little.

He was the love of my grandmother's life. Nearly sixty years of marriage...and never was there a day when their loyalty waned even the smallest bit. She knows he is in glory...she just doesn't know how to cope without him here on earth to be her other half, her ally, her companion.

She's finally asleep...after a long night of watching and waiting. She was the only one to see him go.
As i was getting her back to bed around 7 this morning we were talking about the good things about what had just occurred. About his passing out of this fallen world. About his rebirth in eternity. And on Good Friday no less...(:
About his final journey, as my grandma put it, "into the wonderful good-night."

I believe in Joy

Yesterday my grandpa slipped into a sleepy coma. When i got home this evening around 10 my grandma was sitting by his side holding his hand and talking to him. He is on oxygen to keep him comfortable, it's low hum filled the room. I sat next to her for about a half-hour as she quietly wept and told him how much she loved him, talked to him about their wedding day, about their children...and told him she loved him again. I wept, too.

I took pictures of his hands...he has the most beautiful hands.

He still responds to touch and mom says he may be able to hear us. Just now i went in and said good night and told him i loved him. As she, my sister and i stood in the doorway and looked at him we marveled at the wonder of life and death. My grandfather is one step away from being with the Lord forever...in a new body...a new life...glorious for all eternity...

Earlier as my mom was sitting with my grandma i peeked my head in. Grandma was gazing at her husband and holding a tissue to her face...her hand trembling with Parkinsons.

"...it's okay. It's good to cry." Said my mom.
Grandma shook her head. "I don't want to cry," she whispered.
"Why?" Asked my mom.
"Because I should be joyful," said my grandma.

In a way, we are. It's the waiting that's hard. Mom said this evening that she wants to be there when he passes.

"I want to see him go to meet Jesus."

me too.

The Royal...Kieffers??

The plot:

2 brothers and a sister find themselves suddenly yanked from their three corners of the world to live together in their childhood home with their parents for the first time in over twenty years...because their father is dying. The last few days, Sarah and i have joked numerous times with my mom and dad about how we feel like we're living out our own less cinematic, less eventful, yet more personal (and just as comical and quirky) version of The Royal Tenenbaums.

A few days ago, it was discovered that my grandpa was bleeding internally and passing huge clots of blood. Transfusions began immediately. That night, grandpa told the doctors he didn't want any more tranfusions. Grandpa came home for hospice on Friday. Mom's brother, my uncle John, drove from Mission Viejo to help transport and settle him. The same night my uncle Steve flew in from New Mexico, and dad and John went to pick him up.

Grandpa, despite his nearly complete lack of strength, tried to live as normally as he could yesterday. He insisted on shaving himself, which took him nearly 45 minutes to do because it was so tiring for him. That's what he's doing in this picture, with my mom, and one of our wonderful caregivers next to him.

PRAISE THE LORD we got those hospital beds a month ago...i don't know what we'd do without them! The best thing about having John and Steve here is that we couldn't have moved grandpa around as much as we did yesterday without them. He's a huge mass of dead weight with no strength in his legs, so it takes about 3 men to help him move from the bed to the wheelchair, from the wheelchair to the living room recliner, from the recliner to the wheelchair to the living room chair by the fire...you get the picture. When i walked in the door yesterday evening after being out, grandpa was in the living room with his green armchair pulled up to the fire, covered in about 4 blankets, my mom sitting next to him feeding him his martini olives while he sipped his drink through a straw. He's coming down with pnemonia again, so he's coughing a lot. He's even colder than usual and has lost a lot of color as he loses blood. It's hard to watch...

Having mom's brothers living here has been one of the strangest experiences of my life...before theis weekend i'd never been around them for more than a few hours at a time, all at the same time! It's given us some real insight into what made my mom who she is...they share the same humor, the same memories, and they all look alike. It's so weird...

This is uncle John testing out my grandma's motor chair as mom and Steve look on.


Dad John and Steve having a manly discussion of some sort, i'm sure...

My grandma has just been pleased as punch to have all her children and her husband home this weekend...as it was her 89th birthday. She's looking on everything as a blessing, and though she remains in complete denial about grandpa's declining health, it can be nice to always know she'll be smiling. Last night (after grandpa went to bed) we all ate together at the table (something we never ever do!), had home-roasted rotiserrie chickens, and just enjoyed each other. After dinner we brought out grandma's cake (of which she ate 2 pieces) and mom, John and Steve all helped her blow out her candles.

It was a very ugly cake. The guys at the market didn't have the book from which i could choose the one i wanted so i had to describe to them what i wanted it to look like...and there it is. It was good, though... despite the over half-inch layer of frosting covering it...uuugh.

Today grandpa is staying in bed. For the first time in his life he can't feed himself...he's just not strong enough. But he has a gorgeous view out of the bedroom window of the beautiful day God gave us outside...if he can see it. A priest named Father Jim came from the parish today and gave my grandparents communion and the sacrament of the anointing...i'm not Catholic, as you know, but it was very beautiful and simple, calling for spiritual healing, and physical healing if the Lord wills it. The prayers were lovely, and i recited the Our Father with them for the first time since i went to Catholic school. As i walked Grandma into the living room after Father Jim left she said to me "I need to sit, and think about Christ, because I just recieved Him into my body and soul". It almost made me cry...

I really don't know how to feel right now. Even as i've been writing it has grown darker out, and it looks like it will rain. There has been a lot of weeping...and a lot of laughing...and it changes so abruptly. I feel out of touch with almost everything else. The events in my home have drained me so much...as i've sat here trying to write a paper on the Lysistrata for my history class it's been impossible to focus. I don't think i'm going to school tomorrow. i just don't know if i could handle it.

Yesterday i begged the Lord to make His purpose clear to me "Jesus i don't understand", i pleaded to the clouds. And He's answering me, little by little. Through other people, through my sister, my mother, through the books i read, through writing...and i can feel Peace. If only for a moment. and i know things will be glorious if only i will let them.

Things never go as planned. i don't understand why you don't just take him, Lord. What do we do....?

Lord please help us.

In the Palm of Your Hand

If I could have the world and all it owns
A thousand kingdoms, a thousand thrones
If all the earth were mine to hold
With wealth my only goal

I'd spend my gold on selfish things
Without the love that Your life brings
Just a little bit more is all I'd need
'Til life was torn from me

I'd rather be in the palm of Your hand
Though rich or poor I may be
Faith can see right through the circumstance
Sees the forest in spite of the trees
Your grace provides for me

If I should walk the streets no place to sleep
No faith in promises You keep
I'd have no way to buy my bread
With a bottle for my bed

But if I trust the One who died for me
Who shed His blood to set me free
If I live my life to trust in You
Your grace will see me through

I'd rather be in the palm of Your hand
Though rich or poor I may be
Faith can see right through the circumstance
Sees the forest in spite of the trees

If I could have the world
If I could have the world and all it owns

~Alison Krauss

too fast!

Time has sped up. It seriously has.

I'm crazy. I'm tired. An a very befuddling combonation of terrified and exuberant. And sad. and peaceful. and confused...surprise.

I don't know if grandpa will ever come home again. Coming home every weekend is weird right now. It's only grandma...it's so quiet...i though i would enjoy it more.

Sometimes i wish i could read forever.

Yesterday was a disturbing day. I hate Hollywood, i hate pretentious art shows, i hate having my picture taken by some jerk so stoned out of his mind he can't hold a cigarette in his mouth and i hate being so uncomfortable i want to crawl out of my skin!! uuughghalalabbbgghh.
There is a reason why i'm antisocial! And overly careful! And don't go on dates! And the one time i take a little step out of that i feel like i've gone swimming in a lake of snot. All i could do was keep calling on the Lord...thank goodness he was there. all i hope is that somehow i'll learn something from this...

Today was good. I went to the Norton Simon with my friend Nick from school and it made me feel better. I just really don't want to go to school tomorrow.
Jesus, i'm afraid of trying too hard...i still don't know who i am and what you want me to do.

I feel like too much is slipping away from me. People, mostly. It may sound strange, i'm not one who holds up well when i feel like i'm losing a best friend...I miss her. I miss my friend. I miss my friend.

Lord i don't know what to do...


sigh...don't worry. i'm just venting. it'll pass...

c

Les Visages

So i have this weakness...it's unlike other weaknesses in that it's something i can fall prey to in almost any place or time or situation...

i love love looking at peoples faces...the turn of a cheekbone, the wrinkles around the eyes, the curve of the nose in a profile, the way lips make little dimples in the corners of the mouth...
it usually isn't too awkward...until i find myself staring at an individual so intently i don't realize they are looking back at me...often looking a bit uncomfortable...he he...
This fascination with studying faces is ony surpassed by my utter delight in drawing them. There is something about the challenge of capturing the spark that makes a person not only physically unique and believable, but alive, like you can tell what kind of a personality they'd have or what they would sound like if they spoke to you.


I know i haven't posted much of my artwork here but i hope to remedy that. i have this weird thing about not liking to show people my stuff...but then i have to ask myself why i do it if no one ever sees it.
i don't know. it drives my friends at school crazy. :P

Plus, drawing (and painting) plays such a huge part in what i think and love to do...it's just kind of natural i'd put some of it on my blog. so voila. These are just some of my figure studies...i'll put up more things later. This one is a wee bit crooked...oh well.


So, i like drawing the figure. It's one of the most beautiful expressions of God's handiwork i have ever come across...it almost makes one afraid to attempt to interpret it into a few smears of graphite on paper! But i treat my drawings as almost an act of worship...that searching for beauty and care in even the old and unattractive (which i actually prefer sometimes to just a pretty girl) never ceases to ignite a fire within me.

And i always start with the face...i must get the face right or the entire drawing will bother me...no matter how nice he hands look or how well-rendered the knees are. Sometimes that drives my teachers crazy ;)

Anyway, that's my little rant for today. My spring break is over as of tomorrow and i'm driving back this evening. Homework all day tomorrow! hooray!

Oh, and congrats to Ariel over at

BitterSweetLife

on the birth of his new son! Everyone go see!

colleen

Je m'appelle...

My 3 favorite girls names...

Elanor (<<< Tolkien's spelling)

Madeleine

Olivia

If i'm ever blessed with children, marriage, etc. etc...
Don't you dare steal them.

Haven't really decided on boys yet...i like the name Nicodemus. (:

SNOW!

Today my lovely friend Katie dropped by for a visit while i was at home this weekend. While she was showing me pictures from her recent trip to Spain, her cell phone rang...
Katie: "What? No way! Seriously?" etc...
She hung up and looked at me.
"It's snowing in Montrose!!"
My mouth dropped open in surprise..."What?!"
Montrose is about 5 minutes west of where i live...so we excitedly grabbed our jackets and cameras and ran out to drive in search of this rare phenomenon.

About 10 minutes later, we were squealing at sight of the opaque greyness hovering over the hills ahead of us. It was snow falling!

Literally on the edge of our seats, we searched for the main thoroughfare cutting up into the mountains, and upon finding it, began our ascent.
It started raining. "Well that's a good sign," i said.
about a half minute later, the rain got harder.
"Is it hail?" said Katie. It wasn't.
I must admit, i was a bit skeptical. I had never seen snow in our area in all my life. I was about to voice my doubt when suddenly i noticed that the rain was no longer...rain...
It was snow.
The Innocence Mission played out of my car stereo as we drove further up into the hills, adding to the mysterious beauty emerging around us as lawns, trees, cars and rooftops were blanketed with a pure whiteness virtually alien to my Southern Californian mentality. It got harder to steer, as the street was covered with slush, and after a few minutes i pulled over and we got out.
It was quiet. I'm completely unaccustomed to water in any form falling from the sky...and not making a sound. It was incredible...it was magical.


We drove until the road ended, and looked into a deep ravine swirling with millions of peices of white. There were 4 ecstatic children out throwing snowballs in jeans, cheerleading skirts and jackets. It crunched under my feet.
I picked it up...it was soft.

We returned shortly to the house and picked up my sister to get some hot chocolate and drive back up again so she could see it. But alas...
It was gone. It had literally melted away. As quickly as snow in Southern California.
wait...

When Katie and i were driving down the hill earlier after our excursion, we gazed clear out over the city, at the mountains, the whiteness and the light and the clouds and she said,
"What a beautiful world God made."
He did.

It makes me wonder what it must have been like before humanity fell, that there can be such magnificence and glory in such a bent (as the Malacandrians would put it) version of creation. I feel like i see little peices of paradise all around me...cherry blossoms, clouds, sparkling blue ocean, gnarled trees, hot drinks on cold days, rolling mountains, the smell of grass, hummingbirds, singing, stars, the touch of a hug, snow...

What could possibly await us when this life is over that is INFINITELY better than all these things?


That's what hope is. That's what love is...
i don't know. I know i'm not as eloquent as some people when it comes to expressing my own thoughts and often i don't even fully understand exactly what it is i'm trying to say.
I guess it just makes me happy. Just purely joyful. I don't feel that enough...and today i did. how lovely...

This was a lot longer than i thought it would be...! i'm going to bed now...

thank you thank you Lord, i don't deserve it

Glorious...

This is where i go to school...isn't that crazy??
Actually LCAD is about 3 minutes inland...but still. I'm so blessed. It has been gorgeous here the last few weeks, and i've thouroughly enjoyed many a chilly sunny windy day eating lunch and reading on top of the cliffs by the ocean...right where i took that picture, actually.
I should paint it.

The Lord is good...

I don't understand people who are afraid of frogs...

I was cold. But i didn't want to put my sweatshirt on.
I was sitting out by the pool yesterday feeling all gloomy and sorry for myself...i must have been there for the better part of an hour.

Suddenly i saw a shape in the swimming pool that did not resemble, nor move like a leaf. I jumped out of the patio chair and ran to the edge the small shadow was headed toward, and a little toad poked his head out of the water, took a gulp, and swam on until he hit the side of the pool. I smiled, and immediately scooped him out of the water and cupped my hand over him.

I showed him to my family, trying to keep him from wriggling out of my hands...he had a strong little head on him! i stared at him up close, watching his blue-white throat move up and down examined his beautiful colors...and i swear he winked at me.

When i took him outside to the garden, he would NOT jump out of my hand...i guess he liked the warmth. And, as i am wont to do, i had formed a fast attachment to the little creature...what if Maela ate him?? what if he froze to death??? what if he forgot how to hop?????

But i had to put him down. You forget how miraculous even the "ugly" things in this world are until you actually stop tp look at them. The intricacy, the divinity in all things (and not in a pantheistic sense, please), the loving care taken to the placement of the spots on the back of a toad. How does one explain it without God? It's easy...you can't.

There is no God...right. okay. Why don't you explain that one?

Grandpa's coming home today...

Please pray pray pray for my family!!!

And for me as i go back to school for another week. Life is strange right now.

BETTINA

This evening i saw Bettina for the first time since she got married on January 15th. There we are in the photo above...i'm on the far right, as you see...and of course, she's the bride. I was a bridesmaid! wow!

I drove back from OC today after a long sleep-in, and i went by her house to see her. What did we do, you ask? hm hmm. well...

First, we looked at over 1500 pictures from her wedding...50% of which were absolutely hilarious. We went out for an early dinner at a place called Millie's, where we split some fajitas and failed miserably at a logic game. We then exchanged some sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond, and went to the 99cents store to get stuff with which to make cookies. Daryl (her husband) wasn't getting back from his job until 5am so we made chocolate chip cookies and watched

"Laputa"...

...one of my all-time favorite films ever by Hayao Miyazaki. In the original Japanese, of course. The english dubbing is atrocious.

Then we went to Albertsons to get her honeymoon pictures and listened to The Innocence Mission. When we got back we looked at the pictures of her and Daryl in Hawaii, then i recorded her singing a weird song, out of which i will make an even weirder song. She told me i needed to post a new blog. i told her i've been busy...plus i don't have internet in my apartment. she told me i should make a post with her in it. i said okay. It rained very hard, and then i drove home.

i'm glad Bettina is my friend. even though she snorts when she laughs.

the end

The Life of Jim...and Why It's Okay He Longs for More Than He Has

It's been really windy today...and chilly. But so beautiful. Mom and Sarah and i went to visit grandpa in the hospital today, he fell again about a week ago and mildly fractured a part pf his spine, got himself a nasty gash in the back of his head, and now has pnemonia for the third time in the last 6 months. Wow! He's actually doing pretty well...just weak and grumpy. Which is nothing new. I held his hand and told him what teams were playing in the NFL game on TV (The Steelers and the Broncos), and we gave him cookies.

While we were there we visited a man that mom met in the emergency room last week when she took grandpa in. His name is Jim...and all his life he's battled a horrible disease that causes constrictions in one's intestines that must be surgically removed. He had his first surgery when he was 7 years old, and has had 7 more since then. He's 51 and has virtually no digestive system left. He weighed about 100 pounds when he dragged himself into the ER a week ago, dirty and unkempt, and today told us in a bright voice that he's gained 9 pounds since then. His hair is cut so bad it's almost comical; obviously someone's quick remedy to the bedraggled mess he was when he arrived. He's got 5 IV's running into his arm supplying him with fats, sugars, vitamins, etc. because he pretty much can't eat. Last time mom visited him, he asked her to bring him some "snacky foods" that would just go straight through him and he could enjoy...so we brought him chocolate chip cookies, too.

He showed us his scars from the surgeries, and showed us how his skin was regaining elasticity. He trembled as he spoke to us about his award-winning knife and gun collections, his friend the Elvis impersonater, and told us about his two children, both around my age. His daughter in in college in San Diego, and his son just turned 21. "Your daughters are so beautiful!" he told my mom. "I wish you could meet my kids, they're good looking kids. I'm so lucky." He told us about his comic book shop that he used to own. That his wife had yellow-green eyes. That his parents both died of cancer when they were in their early fifties. "That's so young!" He told us.

He invited us to come to the next show he will have his collections in when he "gets all better", and we happily told him we would love to go. He hugged us all so warmly as we left that i hardly noticed how thin he was. And as we walked down the hallway we talked among ourselves of how fascinating it is for someone who treasures life so much and has so much more he wants to do with it...can be so close to death. A week ago as he, my mom and my grandpa were in th ER they witnessed a group of young gang members being rushed past and around them...victims of multiple stab wounds. "They have no idea what they're throwing away...they're just throwing life away!" Jim said to my mom that night.

We know he's probably going to die soon. The doctors don't even know how he was still alive or how he could have taken care of himself. He's being released later this week, and will be admitted into a convalescent home as sort of a halfway house deal. But after that??? Lord, i don't know. He told us he was "going home"...but we don't even know if he has a home to go to.

hmmm. I'm not sure how to wrap this up. I've written four different paragraphs...trying to end this post for the last 15 minutes. I just want so much to be grateful. And i hope i can learn to value my own life as much as God does. That would be better than anything i could ever imagine.



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50 degrees? Biting Wind??! Pouring Rain??!!!!??? Let's go SWIMMING!!!

Laurel and Acacia were back in town over the new year (happy new year, by the by), and brought with them the joy and spontanaiety that seems to follow them wherever they go. Last week in a fit of freezing stormy weather, the girls decided it was prime time for a winter dip in our VERY unheated pool!

Running behind them in 3 layers, scarf, gloves and an umbrella, i shot a video of the whole thing...from which i got these pictures.



Amid of screams and shreiks of shock from the water, my mother's laugh (as well as mine) rang out from the house. Acacia was the first to scramble out of the pool...



...followed by Laurel. And the dogs.



It's too bad you can't really see how hard it's raining from these pictures! Not content with just one plunge into the icy water, Acacia went for it again...



followed by a nice warm sisterly hug.



It was a good day. Buuut now they're back in their prospective corners of the world. And i miss them already...just having them around for a couple of days made it feel, well, like summer again! Despite the dismal skies. They won't be around for another while yet...probably until summer. Ahh, warm, colorful summer...bringing friends, fellowship and long eventful days...!

But of course, it will come fast as it ever does...and i, as usual, will be wishing it was cold again.

Tchuss...



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