Sunday, April 2

too fast!

Time has sped up. It seriously has.

I'm crazy. I'm tired. An a very befuddling combonation of terrified and exuberant. And sad. and peaceful. and confused...surprise.

I don't know if grandpa will ever come home again. Coming home every weekend is weird right now. It's only's so quiet...i though i would enjoy it more.

Sometimes i wish i could read forever.

Yesterday was a disturbing day. I hate Hollywood, i hate pretentious art shows, i hate having my picture taken by some jerk so stoned out of his mind he can't hold a cigarette in his mouth and i hate being so uncomfortable i want to crawl out of my skin!! uuughghalalabbbgghh.
There is a reason why i'm antisocial! And overly careful! And don't go on dates! And the one time i take a little step out of that i feel like i've gone swimming in a lake of snot. All i could do was keep calling on the Lord...thank goodness he was there. all i hope is that somehow i'll learn something from this...

Today was good. I went to the Norton Simon with my friend Nick from school and it made me feel better. I just really don't want to go to school tomorrow.
Jesus, i'm afraid of trying too hard...i still don't know who i am and what you want me to do.

I feel like too much is slipping away from me. People, mostly. It may sound strange, i'm not one who holds up well when i feel like i'm losing a best friend...I miss her. I miss my friend. I miss my friend.

Lord i don't know what to do...

sigh...don't worry. i'm just venting. it'll pass...