the vital connection

"Beware of the tendency of asking the way when you know it perfectly well."

~Oswald Chambers (again)

i came to terms a long time ago with the fact that i am ridiculously afraid of always making the wrong decision or doing the wrong thing. i don't know how i have come to be this way...but there it is! it's a daily struggle to be so uncertain and insecure and completely un-trusting of myself, and i know that i'm not the only person who experiences this. though sometimes i feel like i am.
i realize it's not necessarily a bad thing to be untrusting of oneself...in fact it can be a very good thing.
i believe there are many times where, in my hesitation, i have been spared very unpleasant experiences...on the other hand it has also held me back from what could have been very good and worthy ones.
So often it makes it hard to discern what i feel is the Lord's will from my own.

How much do i invest myself in people and things? Do i wait, Lord? Do i move ahead? Do i buy that plane ticket to Ireland? Do i reach out personally to someone who hurting? Do i commit to a career in animation or teaching? et cetera...

Or do i already know God's leading and i'm just too afraid of mistaking it for my own desire.
Because believe me, i know what i desire in these things and more...that is definitely not the problem. Or, you could say, it's a huge part!

What i hope for, more than anything else is that my interests be identified with Christ's.

Chambers also writes about intercession (which i feel ties in to all this)...

"Identification is the key to intercession, and whenever we stop being identified with God, it is by sympathy, not by sin. It is not likely that sin will interfere with our relationship to God, but sympathy will, sympathy with ourselves or with others which makes us say--'I will not allow that thing to happen.' Instantly we are out of vital connection with God."

This is such a loaded statement...i'll leave you to your own thoughts about it.
Just to say it spoke to me deeply in 2 ways...obviously, in how i pray for other people, and in how i discern what God's desires are in daily living.

i yearn for that vital connection, for that identification. Whether it be what to read in the morning, to praying for a drug-addicted loved one, to where i will be living in 3 months.

Proverbs 19:21...Thank God.

~

in other news:
i am having surgery tomorrow! it's funny...it took me (literally) years to finally make the decision to move forward with it (how appropriate). don't worry it's nothing life-threatening. "elective but medically necessary". it's a relatively personal procedure, but i don't really care if people know or not. i'm just not comfortable with posting details online.
i hope i will be able to make it to the oakbridge retreat in a couple of weeks...but if i don't you know why! and if i do, you will know why i won't be able to hug anyone. ha.
i'm a bit nervous, and the first week won't be much fun...so prayers are appreciated, please. :) thanks lovely people.

Colors Songs and Crying

My mom and dad just left the room after praying for me...i'm having surgery on my toe for the EIGHTH time in a couple of hours and i'm kind of not looking forward to it. It's extremely painful and i would feel a lot better if i knew this would be the last time, but i don't. so yea.

Otherwise things have been generally good. I'm almost busier now that school is over than when i was pulling 1-2 hours of sleep a night for the last week or so during finals. Bettina is getting married next month, so that's been crazy...and will only get crazier...friends are coming back into town...last night i saw Laurel for the first time since August; looking lovely as usual. I've seen a lot of movies...

Walk the Line-good film...though i was a bit sick when i saw it, so i don't want to say too much until i see it again. The singing is awesome.

Harry Potter-very enjoyable. as you already know. Saw it twice.

Narnia-I REALLY wanted to like this movie. Really. But i didn't. Sarah and i walked out of it so disappionted we almost didn't know what to say. There were neat little instances here and there...but it was so whitewhashed and sloppy to me. It really makes me sad. Sarah remarked that she was glad Lewis never had to live to see it.

Pride and Prejudice-I thought this was fantastic. I still prefer the BBC version to it...mostly because Kiera Knightley was not a convincing Elizabeth to me...and it's styalized direction and grittier setting failed to capture the elegance of Jane Austen's world. Yet by setting those things aside and just looking at it as it's own entity, it was excellent.

King Kong-i'm not the worlds biggest Peter Jackson fan, but if there's one person in this world who knows how to direct action and grandeur...it's him. I've said many times regarding this film, that it's so refereshing to still be able to see a movie...and be absolutely astounded. This film was AMAZING. It has it's flaws, yes...but i would see it again in a heartbeat. Someone should just give Andy Serkis an oscar already...i mean come on! It's beautiful and stunning...like it should have been. And i cried at the end. How could you not??!

Autumn is wonderful. The picture is one i took of the ginko tree in our backyard. there are Colors everywhere. i love it.

Been doing some music, too.

My appointment is now in an hour (i got up half way through typing this post), so i should get ready.
Jesus, please let this be the last one!

Have a wonderful and blessed Christmas everyone!


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my left foot

Thanks for the prayers for my toe everyone...needless to say it's still there, though wrapped up pretty well in a lot of gauze. Just glad it's over. :P
I did end up playing in the show last night...and it went really well. Just a couple of sound problems, but it was defenitely one of our best. Andrew was able to bring Tina, too, which was very fun. I don't even know if anyone took any pictures...hmmm.
Things are just a laugh a minute at my house today...My grandpa has beginning stages of pnemonia, my grandma had oral surgery on Wednesday, my sister has the flu, i'm hobbling around pitifully, and my dad is at a wedding today, with my mom working at home...

yeah that's all :P