en train de

Well, i got the portrait to this point...you can see the difference in how it looked earlier today in the picture below.


i know it's not right i know it's actually all wrong. at this point it just looks ugly and misshapen and terrifying. the skin has no life in it, the eyes aren't placed well, the lips are too high, the chin too long, &c...and then there are the subtle things...
but that's the process! i usually don't let people see my paintings in the weird underpainting stages because it just looks...all wrong.
and i have a very prideful nature. this is self-induced therapy you are witnessing here, people. not easy for colleen.

so don't you dare judge me.

just wait a couple of weeks.


~~~~~~~~~~

i dropped the pots. all of em.

long week...long tiring week. but at the moment i'm pretty chill (yo)

here is a terribly blurred and glared photo of the "finished" drawing of Ashlee as a study for the painting. i'll try to get a better one...

lay-in of the painting. my lay-ins are bizarre and scary but i'm showing it anyway.

Phil and Phill


almost there...

i need to get these professionally photographed so you can really see them.

so, today i kind of had an epiphany...i think, i think...i might want to be an art teacher.

i think.

up until about an hour ago it was the last thing on earth i wanted to do.

i think.

i don't know how long i'll hang on to it. we'll see...
~
yesterday i got to wash dishes and eat amazing food. i get to do it again tomorrow night! wahoo

i'm also ecstatic to the point of delusion because Trevor will be at church on Sunday. and it's pot luck. man i'm lucky.


~~~~~~

warning: naked lady

Sarah insisted i put up pictures of the painting i just finished...even though i hate the way my paintings look in pictures. photography pulls all the dimension out of things and hours of work just runs flat >:(
just trust me when i say it looks different when you see it in person...


melissa 24x30
anyway, i'm pretty happy with it. i learned a lot of things while working on it, so that's good. i hate that cat...i think i'm going to take it out because it's simply terrifying.

i woke up with my stupid back all achy and sending pangs up and down my spine...but it's feeling a little better. probably because i'm sitting in my nice cushy orange chair in my studio.

~

i'm low...i'm lower than i've been for a long time.
i'm not confused about much anymore. i know what God is doing (and if i don't know i trust Him). i have a lot to be excited about.

but sadness has a way of blanketing everything in fog...so no matter what is surrounding you, all you see is grey.
the heart is so damn fragile. when it's pricked it's all you can feel.

Bob Meyers brought a great message yesterday...i'll write about it a little later if i can.



~~~~~~

wow i'm really tired right now.

Saturday i "helped" Pip pack up his room (he's moving). we listened to lots of music and watched lots of youtube.
Sarah and Alec are in Texas, mom is sick, and today i had Chinese food in a B-rated restaurant with GP Floyd, dad, Jeff (who wore his new J Crew tie), and Melanie and Ed and their kids. i got some good quotes.

i drove to Laguna, where i am now, and i've done about a half-hour's worth of work on my painting but i think i'm spent. i was going to do homework...but i think i'll just drive home (Orange) instead.
i always wish i could hang out with people down here more but i'm too afraid to call them. even my closest friends. i'm getting a lot better, though! i am!

i've been having dreams about Grandma and Grandpa, that they are alive and living with us again and i am taking care of them just like i always did. i wake up feeling like i haven't slept, and feeling very bittersweet.
i'm debating whether or not to type up a very strange and unsettling dream i had 2 nights ago. it's pretty intense...

for the first time this semester i'm kind of dreading the coming week of school...not for the old reasons (social anxieties) but because i'm just feeling burnt out. physically and emotionally. i feel like i'm placing my hopes on too many unstable surfaces, relying on shaky support.
i need to rely on Jesus completely.

why can't i...?


~~~~~~~

thought this was relevant...smoke signals

artsy updates

Thanks to my dad, i have a camera today, so i could snap some pictures of what i'm up to...

i decided to change the face on my painting of my friend Ashlee...so here's the start of a new head study. i'll be using the same pose so the face is the only thing i need to re-figure. thank God.

tonight i drew this in class...a 3-hour pose. i like some things about it...

aaand Edan is coming along nicely. i wish the picture wasn't bowed and the color was more accutrate, but you get the idea...



in other news--wait--oh, crap...American Idol results are on in 15 minutes!! i gotta get home!


~~~~~~~~

rusty orange is a really beautiful color. my camera has disappeared. :(
the other day i was on the freeway and a guy was transporting stripper poles. he was very smarmy looking.
it's raining today. i wish i could take pictures of some of the work i'm doing...hopefully my dad will be bringing the family camera down this afternoon.

...


~~~~~~~~~~

stuff

Edan painting coming along...this is a very bad photo, color is all wrong, perspective is askew but oh well...

start of the drawing for my next painting of ashlee...

lay-in...

watercolored 24 valentines yesterday and gave them out to my friends. this is a sheet of 12 before i wrote on them...



um...

i have decided i am hopeless and i don't understand anything anymore.


awesome



~~~~~

a few question, take 2

answered all these questions a year ago...lets do it again! i haven't read them yet...so i'm doing this as i go...

80 Things You Might Not Know About Me

Whats your middle name?
noel

How big is your bed?
king-sized!! but i only sleep curled up on one side of it. the other side always stays made.

What are you listening to right now?
my itunes is on shuffle...at the moment it's playing Blonde Redhead "The Dress". i'll let you know when it changes.

What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
still 9854

What was the last thing you ate?
rosemary chicken soup...it was so good. oh man i want more...

Last person you hugged?
um...my dad, acually. i just saw him at school

How is the weather right now?
cold! it was so warm yesterday!!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Pip

What is the first thing u notice in the opposite sex?
still attitude. eyes too.

Favorite type of Food?
indian

Do you want children?
yes. but i'm scared of bringing people into what this world is becoming.

Do you drink?
beer. good. mmm. but not often.

(song changed...Vashti Bunyan "love song". it makes me cry...)

Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
nope

Hair color?
short and brown

Eye color?
bleu

Do you wear contacts/glasses?
glasses

Favorite holiday?
easter

Favorite Season?
still fall, but right now summer sounds really good.

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
yes

Last Movie you Watched?
Ratatouille! Finally!

(Postal Service: "such great heights". classic.)

What books are you reading?
A Circle of Quiet by M. L'Engle. I need to read the Silmarillion. apparently JeffBishop has a book for me...

Piercings?
a few months ago it was 5...but now it's 4 again.

Favorite Movie?
Sense and Sensibility, The Royal Tenenbaums, Princess Bride, The New World. it's a toss-up.

Favorite college football Team?
Go Titans!

What were you doing before filling this out?
painting

Any pets?
the little dead flies in my windowsills

Dogs or cats?
dogs

Favorite Flower?
roses. i'm such a girl. pretty much anything that smells amazing.

Have you ever loved someone?
yes

Are you in love right now?
i'm in love with a lot of people (cop-out answer! haHA!)

now hearing...Sufjan! Carlyle Lake

Who would you like to see right now?

Laurel, Pip, Edan, Acacia, my sister, Katie, my cousins...how about just everyone i love?? i miss everyone!! it would be kind of neat to see grandma so i could show her some of my artwork.

Before i move on, i would like to call attention to last year's answer because it's pretty great...
"hmm. i'd say Jesus, but then all you guys would be like 'colleen, you see Jesus all the time!' so i guess i'll say...sarah. but she's right in the next room so...yea. pointless. But you're the ones who said i coudn't say Jesus."

Have you ever fired a gun?
heck yes i have

Do you like to travel by plane?
okay

Right-handed or Left-handed?
right.

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
ireland with my friends. then heaven

Are you missing someone?
yes

Do you have a tattoo?
no, but i have an idea.

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
sleep

Are you 18?
waay past.

Name 3 things in your room.
well, i'm in my studio so...lots of painting stuff, books, and a comfy orange chair with Andrew's pillow he made for me.

Did you get enough sleep last night?
nope

First thing you thought this morning?
is it thursday?? can i sleep an extra hour??? (answer was no)

What do you have handy at your bedside?
lamp, journal, books, empty water glass, my phone

Pandas or Polar bears?
Polar Bears

WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE?
this is still a funny question. um, this time let's go with my fingernails.

(The Notting Hillbillies: run me down)

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
not necessarily

FAVORITE HANGOUT?
with people i love

3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?
my sister, my friends, and art (which encompasses both visual and audio, mind you)

FAVORITE SONG?
that's not fair

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
spiders. and monkeys, a little bit.

WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
fettuccini, bean, weenie, moopy, olly, police, (that one's new)

WHAT IS YOUR DADS MIDDLE NAME?
hehe milton hehe

WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME?
elizabeth

STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD TAKE ONE THING?
my bible and lord of the rings wrapped up inside of it.

FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE?
my digital files (computer and hard drive) and my books.

Whats your favorite color?
right now, blue-green-teal-prettyness

WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS TAKE WITH YOU?
phone, qhote book, a pencil, a book to read, chapstick, ipod, gum, and my camera.

WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
i also wanted to be a teacher so i could assign lots of homework (i'm serious)

WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DO YOU WISH YOU PLAYED?
cello. yeah, still cello. bagpipes would be rad, too.

THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEET?
brown

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?
tomorrow i get to go to my studio and paint


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

things of note:

~apparently, there is someone in my school that looks and dresses just like me. (at least that's what i hear) oh yea, and it's a guy

~there's a starman waiting in the sky

~i think macaroni and cheese (from a box) may be one of my favorite foods ever. and therefore the bane of my existence

~Antonio Mancini is an effing amazing painter

~Sarah is knitting a Barack Obama sweater (it has long sleeves)

~i wish i was a better dancer, because i really like it

~every time i feel like i finally get the hang of painting i do something that makes me say 'crap...i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing'

~i still need to see There Will Be Blood

~this guy Phil at school is cranking out these stellar gesture calligraphic portraits that are blowing my mind

~you're right, Jude is a good name

~i really do like taking long walks on the beach. hint hint.

~if you are feeling sad or depressed, just remember one thing...this one blessed thing... at least you aren't in high school anymore!!! and for those of you who are...someday you won't be in high school anymore!!!

~this:

~read and write

~people are rad

~people are stupid

~part of me almost hopes Hillary Clinton will become president because, aside from the fact that i can't tolerate anything she says, does or stands for, things would just be so much more interesting

~sharpened woodless graphite pencils are like butter on a toasted blueberry scone.

~mandom


~trader joes caramel popcorn

~nerds

~cat power

~dark hair

~10 points to Anna


feel free to add some things of your own



love.



~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Birthday (yesterday) to mom!

new bowl

Placing the new bowl


Family Photo! Looking our best :)

i hate my hair so much in this picture it looks like a toupee. i need anna to cut it.



~~~~~~~~~~~~

rock...tree...!

omigoodness it is so unspeakably beautiful out.

i laid out on the brick wall in the backyard today for a good hour just feeling the sun on my arms. now we're all helping mom garden because it's her birthday.
then some fun time later this evening.

gotta go dig and stuff...


~~~~~~

ps...10 points to whoever 'gets' the title of this post


~~~~~~

so far so good

Here is my painting of Edan so far...keep in mind the color is, in reality, more intense, and the photo is a bit glared where i haven't yet added medium.
i'm very happy with it. lots more to do, though. but that's okay. last night he came into my studio wearing the same shirt, so i got to paint some of it from life...so exciting. someday i'll get to paint actual people from life and i will be so happy...! in about 45 minutes i'm heading up to the main campus to photograph my friend Ashlee for a possible painting and tomorrow i'm hoping to photograph Nick. and there are about 20 others i want to paint too, but we'll see. :P

it's warmer today, i can go outside without 3 layers and a scarf. there were little orange flowers on the hills on my way into Laguna this morning. i made an audible happy sound in my car, even though i was driving all alone.



tonight i get to draw a naked guy. whee!!



~~~~~~

this morning

i was thinking about my friends who are suffering. seeing Pip last night and not being able to hug him enough...seeing my friend Ashlee today and wishing i could say something wonderful...thinking of Bettina, talking to Edan, my sister, praying for Laurel, my cousins, Amaris, Kristina, her sister, Searcy, Katie, Andrew, Mollie, the Bishops, so many...

and i said to God...

God, internal pain hurts. i can see it on faces. i'm almost finished with my first painting. and there are some new ideas percolating. we'll see.

Ephesians 2:4-8


~~~~~

OMG

hi.


I like it when it rains because it makes things amazing.

green back on the hills

silver water

Working on a painting in class...

preliminary drawing of Edan for a life sized figure painting...slightly blurry and glared...


Pip had a STELLAR show on Friday at the No Future...in which we witnessed the debut of his new project:
The Secrets of All Hearts On Earth




Saturday there was a lunch for the women at church...it was absolutely lovely. The speaker was a woman named Shirley Peters, and her message on Grace was very timely. Laura especially enjoyed it.

Mother and Daughters...






Saturday was also Alec's 24th birthday!! complete with a small gathering of some of his work and art center mates. David, his old roommate, was there of course:

Sarah made a super duper coffee and chocolate 3-layer cake...







and Dancing. there was some rad dancing...that's Alec's other friend Dave on the right...

Pip was there too, he's just not in any of these photos.


ooohkay back to work...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~