As a result of horrible negligence during her stay in the hospital, my grandma's health has taken a dramatic nosedive. Her Parkinson's has intensified nearly tenfold...she can't walk at all anymore...or even stand for that matter...she can hardly speak and she is in constant pain because the muscles in her legs and feet are cramping so badly. Her face is perpetually twisted in pain and her eyes, when not tightly shut, dart around aimlessly. Her whole body trembles...and when her muscles charlie horse all my mom and i can do is sit and massage her legs and try to keep her feet from curling up. It takes both of us...and it's a terrible feeling to have to watch someone be in that much pain and not be able to do anything to stop it.

Almost the hardest part, is that through everything that has ever happened in the last ten years, my grandma has always maintained an incredible spirit of acceptance and joy. But that person is gone...and my mom and i feel so helpless. We are giving her extra meds, muscle relaxers, &c...but it just knocks her out and she becomes a dead weight to have to move. We have a wheelchair that previously, we only used to take her out on long walks or to a museum or something, because she's always been able to get around as long as someone was helping to support her. Now it's in full time use.
She sat at the table in her wheelchair this morning as Florina (our other caregiver) fed her breakfast. Her eyes were completely closed. I put on some Frank Sinatra for her as i packed up the last of the christmas decorations and she was completely unresponsive to it. Then it made me think of my grandpa...and for almost the first time since he died i realised i miss him.
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I'm so tired...all of this has come on the tails of a week that has been so dark and frightening...just because my mind has been increasingly disrupted and unwell and a few times i have lost control of myself. I am frustrated ashamed desperate and at a complete loss of what to even do with what is happening in my life. I don't know what to even pray for. All i've been able to say to Jesus is "Help me".

There is so much more i would like to write but i can't. And my hands are shaking.

If people could please pray for my grandma, for my mom, for Sarah (she's sick) and that i could get better so i could be a better person for all the people i know are affected by my inability to function.

Lord thank you thank you thank you...


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