It will probably be like nothing ever happened...that or it will always come back to haunt us.
There was a period of such peace and kindness for about three months...until he started living in the same house with us again. Even so, the return to what was previously "normal" has been gradual. sneaky, even. As much as i had been so overjoyed have a father i could look up to and respect for once...my hopes were dashed as he began to become paranoid again. He began to criticize my mom again. He buried Sarah's attempts to kindly come to terms with our home situation. He still thinks i'm a crazy kid who's out to thwart him. He still denies that he knew what he was doing to our family for the past 22 years...or to my mom for the last 25. They're fighting right now. He's using his patronizing high pitched demeaning tone to probably tell her that she looked at him wrong...or laughed too hard in the next room at work today, or...heaven forbid, maybe she even got frustrated at him at some point today...and ...EXPRESSED IT!
We're all begining to fight again...question each other again...walk on pins and needles again.
I don't know how much longer i'll be able to keep my head above it...it's driving me crazy. I hate that every time he apologizes...there's an excuse...a reasonable cause for his behavior...a "But..."
"You guys, I'm so sorry for the way I acted last week. I've been outside working and the paint fumes have really been getting to me."
"Colleen I'm sorry if I was rude to you this morning. Something about the chemicals in the shampoo I used really threw me for a loop."
"Carol I'm so sorry about what I said yesterday, but there must have been some pesticides on the apple I was eating or something, and my head was all screwed up."
The worst was the years and years of enduring his tyrranical moods swings (I'm serious) during weeks that he would be preparing for his sermon on Sunday, or studying for the Bible study on Friday...and having to ignore it. Having to sidestep it. Having to accept it. Because he was "under so much pressure", "under the enemy's attack". He was under the enemy's attack, alright. Him and the rest of the family, and everyone who came into our home. It became routine.
"What's up with dad, today?"
"He's preaching on Sunday."
"oh...okay, then."
And of course he'd always apologize, often deeply. Sending my mom flowers. Buying Sarah and I gifts. And yet if any of us approached him on the issue (mom, usually, as Sarah and i were often afraid to), we were being disrespectful to him as "the father, husband and head of the household". It sickens me to think about it. It's like some twisted version of an abusive relationship...but within a family. And without the physical aspect. But Emotional abuse can leave scars just as deep as physical.
My mom was too fat, or too skinny. Her jeans were too tight. Her blouse was too big. She wasn't wearing enough makeup...her lipstick was the wrong color. Her arms were too muscular, she didn't exercise enough. Her hair was too short. She talked too loudly, she was too friendly with other men. She never supported him. She always took our side...
There would be nights where i would lay in bed listening to the yelling in the room next to mine...or above mine...or wherever they were. I'd listen to my mom cry. Sometimes he'd come into my room and lecture me on why he was right and she was wrong until he was blue in the face...or he felt like i saw it his way.
As i got older it got worse as i began to argue back at him...even if i knew it would get me nowhere. i was just angry. I had to argue. it was a hideous trait i picked up from him and will have to struggle with for my entire life.
Of course my opposition to him was immediately noting but blatant disrespect in his eyes, whether or not i was right, or calm, or unbiased. And, in his eyes, i became the sort of rebellious wayward daughter he always accused me of being. Though the worst i ever did was drive to a friend's without telling him where i was going after he physically threw me out of the house with no shoes on, no bag, no wallet. not even my phone. that was just a few years ago.

And he still has the gall to tell us he "had no idea" what he was doing. But ever since his "revelation" earlier this year, he's "a changed man". So even if thing do regress, as they are, he will never admit to it. I don't even know if my mom will. When they were thinking about divorcing earlier this year i was devistated...and yet partially relieved. Something would really truly change! As i said before, those months living without him in the house were so lovely. Blissful, even.
Except for the nagging concern that somehow there was something just a little bit wrong with being to happy to finally live without my father, and how scarred and angry i realized i was after all those years...and how my mom would prbably never fully recover from a strenuous marriage full of tears, confusion and pointless criticism and conlict.
And there where times when thoughts like that would break the peace like a steel wrecking ball.

So i'm worried...when i hear dad tell my mom the other day that she wasn't nice enought to him while helping him with a simple computer function when she has a whole grossly chaotic Disney studio to get back on track after being gone for 3 weeks in Australia, having no time to personally help anyone else, while struggling with severe incompetence on the part of everyone who should have had authority while she was gone. I'm worried as he's beginning to dictate what friends she should be spending time with again.
I'm worried because he expects me to "forgive and forget" the person he's been my entire life, and treat him like someone i don't know. After being conditioned to respond to someone a certain way your entire life...you CAN'T suddenly act as if it never happened. It's impossible, unreasonable, and absurd to think that anyone can do it. Because whether or not it's right, i don't know anything better.

And he's not a different person. Because he can't see that he has fault, and that other people are allowed to be faulty. Because he can't accept that he DID know what he was doing all those years. Otherwise why would he have spent so much time and money on trying to win back our affections after bowling us over?
He still wants to give ministry at church. And when he asked us how we felt about that...and we told him we weren't comfortable with it...he just firgured we were stuck in the past and hadn't "forgiven" him yet.
Whether or not i've forgiven him, this mess isn't over. He keeps telling my sister and i that there are "so many things" we don't know about, and shouldn't pass judgement based on what we see.
Well all i know is what i see. And i'm seeing things go from good...to "normal" again.
And i don't like it.