over the weekend...

As you most likely gathered, i was down in Laguna last week.
I've been doing work at the school helping set up the gallery (which i have a painting in!), some secretarial work, and some design work as well. On Thursday evening Sarah and Alec drove down to Orange to visit me. (: We hung out a little bit and then decided to go get food. We went out to eat at the Thai House Cafe...they have some pretty mean curry.









Back at my place we hung out and looked through old pictures, sketchbooks, my diary from when i was ten years old (which was pretty hilarious), and other such things.

As the evening waned it was brought to my attention that Alec forgot to bring something to sleep in...so i gleefully dug through my drawer and found a pair of Christmas pajama pants i had forgotten about with candy canes and mugs of hot chocolate all over them. I also lent him a garishly red old t-shirt and the ensemble was complete! (the socks are his) Then i put on a mix cd Pip made me a couple of years ago titled: "Summer of Fire 1986, or, Dilapidated Grandeur". And we danced around to it until we were warm (it was a cold night) and tired. There are no pictures of this, unfortunately, because when i happen to actually participate in something it goes undocumented. oh well. I was wearing a ten-year-old pair of plaid shorts and blue striped socks up to my knees.
it was pretty sweet.
Then we said good night and Alec slept in the painting/guest room and Sarah and i retired to my room.

In the morning we headed into Laguna for breakfast at Zinc's Cafe. It was a chilly, clear gorgeous morning (despite the lack of clouds) and i ordered their last bowl of oatmeal and a Cappuccino, which Alec told me was a pretty lame one. I guess he would know, being a barista and all. But i'm not picky so i was content with it.
Zinc's is a vegetarian restaurant, which is perfect for the two weirdos i was with. Sarah and Alec both wanted to get Zinc Burgers (veggie burgers), but we had to wait until 11 am for lunch to be served. So while we were waiting Alec and i both got out our cameras. Sarah was really happy to be sitting in the middle of us at that point. hehe...




little feathered friend




I then took out my sketchbook and let Alec have at it. I shot a gazillion pictures of him drawing in it. Here are but a few...
























~~~

Then i had to hi-tail it out of there and be back in Pasadena by 1.
And that's where i got to see my clouds as i drove toward the San Gabriel Mountains...










sigh...


Saturday morning there was the women's prayer meeting. Then Sarah, Amaris and i went to lunch and got Mexican food. Sarah's burrito wasn't quite big enough...



:D






~~~
That evening was a bittersweet one...
Grandma is doing a little better now, but Saturday night she was suffering so badly. Some of my very dearest friends came over...Katie, Bettina and Pip (Alec was already there)...it was so lovely to see Katie and Bettina. i only get to see them about every ten years or so...

Sarah, Katie and Bettina

...and we all had dinner with my family and laughed and talked, and every so often gathered in my grandma's room and pray for her. Mom, Sarah Alec and i sang some hymns for her as well, to try and calm her as the spasms in her legs worsened and her breathing became even more shallow. She finally fell asleep for at least a little while.

We then migrated to the studio where we all snuggled up on the couch and watched "The Adventures of Pete and Pete"...specifically, a couple of shorts and the episode with Mr. Tastee. Then Katie and Bettina left into the frigid night. Sarah, Alec, Pip and i were so tired that we just stayed cozy on theh couch in the dimly lit room and all fell asleep for a little while. At one point i got up and got my camera and took a picture...

From the left there's Sarah, Alec and Pip...who's completely covered by the cream colored blanket.

~~~

Of course Sunday was church...



Afterwards My aunties Jeannie, Wren and Robin and our friend Jan all came to visit my grandma. She was so happy to see people...her spirits are lifting. The oxygen tank we have her "hooked up to" is helping. She still can't walk and her speaking is difficult, but it's nice to see her smile.
Then cousin Anna came by! and the 4 of us (Anna, Sarah Alec and i) went and got sushi for dinner.
It was fun hanging out with my cousin. (:

Upon arriving home, Sarah and Alec and i sat with my grandma for a good while and she talked to us about her visit to the Holy land back in the 60's (i believe). As she did so she clutched her rosary, the one my grandpa had given her, which she had taken with her as she retraced the steps and the life of Christ. She was so grateful just to have the 3 of us sit and listen to her...
Then she got too tired to talk, and i helped her take some of her many many meds we are using to try and keep her comfortable...
We really have no idea how long she has. We know she has heart failure...but my grandma has a knack for bouncing back...

I'm trying to teach myself to play the piano again...

I was telling Katie the other day that, with everything going on...both the spoken and the unspoken, i really don't know how to feel right now. Lots of conflicts of joy and sadness, pain and happiness, grief and gladness, anger and peace. Sometimes life just lacks grey areas, you know? Last night was difficult for so many reasons...

I start LCAD again tomorrow...i'm looking forward to that...but not without the side of trepidation that goes with it! It could be a lot worse though...and i'm so grateful i'm not in the same place i was last year as far as school is concerned. i also wish i could be here for grandma...
I need to go get art supplies today. Then i'll be driving back to Orange...

it's so cold right now...last night it dipped into the low 30's. That's cold for southern California! Right now it's in the 50's outside...i love it. I love the cold. As long as i'm properly attired for it.

off i go. lots to do...


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i love clouds

driving into Laguna this morning...







this one is magical.


i was so mesmerized at one point that i almost ran myself off the road. twice. oopsi...

i think clouds amaze me more, and make me feel more peaceful than any earthly thing (besides drawing). I always see God in the clouds. Now there's an original idea. I know it's cliche to refer to the sublime nature of clouds but i don't care. Sometimes cliches are there for a good reason.



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thank you

i wanted to say how grateful i am for everyone's prayers...i'm very blessed.

~c

bye bye Alec's hair...):

yesterday the deed was done.

before...


they kicked me out...i guess Sarah didn't want me sitting there making annoying comments on her hair styling abilities for some reason...


while i was waiting they made me make a song. so i did that...

then i made spaghetti
(vegetarian with brown rice pasta, of course...)
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Finally around 9pm they emerged...




um...apparently Sarah wasn't too happy with how Alec kept "doing" it...


but he liked it...

so that's all that really matters.




(note the duck tail...)












i like it.

it fits.
~
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then came soy ice cream and push-ups...



c'est tout



edit: 11:21am...Sarah would like everyone to know she does in fact like the haircut, now that his hair has "settled into it".

jetzt das ist alle


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As a result of horrible negligence during her stay in the hospital, my grandma's health has taken a dramatic nosedive. Her Parkinson's has intensified nearly tenfold...she can't walk at all anymore...or even stand for that matter...she can hardly speak and she is in constant pain because the muscles in her legs and feet are cramping so badly. Her face is perpetually twisted in pain and her eyes, when not tightly shut, dart around aimlessly. Her whole body trembles...and when her muscles charlie horse all my mom and i can do is sit and massage her legs and try to keep her feet from curling up. It takes both of us...and it's a terrible feeling to have to watch someone be in that much pain and not be able to do anything to stop it.

Almost the hardest part, is that through everything that has ever happened in the last ten years, my grandma has always maintained an incredible spirit of acceptance and joy. But that person is gone...and my mom and i feel so helpless. We are giving her extra meds, muscle relaxers, &c...but it just knocks her out and she becomes a dead weight to have to move. We have a wheelchair that previously, we only used to take her out on long walks or to a museum or something, because she's always been able to get around as long as someone was helping to support her. Now it's in full time use.
She sat at the table in her wheelchair this morning as Florina (our other caregiver) fed her breakfast. Her eyes were completely closed. I put on some Frank Sinatra for her as i packed up the last of the christmas decorations and she was completely unresponsive to it. Then it made me think of my grandpa...and for almost the first time since he died i realised i miss him.
~
I'm so tired...all of this has come on the tails of a week that has been so dark and frightening...just because my mind has been increasingly disrupted and unwell and a few times i have lost control of myself. I am frustrated ashamed desperate and at a complete loss of what to even do with what is happening in my life. I don't know what to even pray for. All i've been able to say to Jesus is "Help me".

There is so much more i would like to write but i can't. And my hands are shaking.

If people could please pray for my grandma, for my mom, for Sarah (she's sick) and that i could get better so i could be a better person for all the people i know are affected by my inability to function.

Lord thank you thank you thank you...


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I'd rather be at home...

I just got back a little while ago from the hospital...we don't know what's wrong so grandma stayed the night. She just wanted to go home...but the doctors insisted we just find out what's wrong...then we can decide whether or not to treat it. i don't think she wants treatment. She told us in the ER that she knows John (my grandpa) is waiting for her and that she is going to go to him soon.

It was a long, winding couple of hours as the decision as to how to handle the situation was thrown back and forth.

"All these tests don't do any good," grandma said breathlessly. "They always come up with the same thing, and it's nothing."
The nurses told my grandma that they would get her a comfortable bed, that they would make her better, that she would get to go home soon...
"That's not the problem," my mom insisted. She was exhausted and emotionally ready to crash. "She just lost her husband. I think she just doesn't want to have to deal with all this."
The nurse (her name was Candice) looked at my mom quizzically. "But if we send her home it could get worse..." and went on for a few more sentences, implying that my grandma could die.
Mom wore an expression of weariness and said softly, "Well that may be what she wants." And looked the nurse in the eye.
Candice merely glanced through the papers on her clipboard. "Does she have a DNR [Do Not Resuscitate]?"
"Yes," mom insisted, slightly taken aback.
"Oh, she does??" exclaimed the nurse.
Mom was frustrated...this was extremely important. "That should be right there with all the information."
"Well, i'm going to go talk to the doctor. I'll be right back," she said briskly and walked out.
Grandma's breathing was shallow and her heartbeat irregular. As i watched the monitors there were seconds at a time where she just held her breath. Mom and i had to remind her to inhale.
She was hot, so Juanita and i removed her warm knitted socks and slacks. She was wet so we changed her. We got her some water...

For the next HOUR things went back and forth as three or four different medical persons walked in to enlighten us as to why she needed to remain in the hospital.
My mom started tearing up as she tried to tell the doctors that if my grandma didn't want to stay she wasn't going to make her stay. "We just went through this with my dad in May," she told them. And when all the hospital staff left the room she looked at my grandma, sitting at eye level, and said firmly, "Mom, at the end it took me three days to get them to let dad come home. I fought and fought. He told them he just wanted to come home. And i am not going to let them do that to you. I want to do exactly what you want. That is my job. It became my job when i was given the power of attourney. This is all about you." Over and over my mom asked her "What do you want to do, mommy?" Grandma focused on my mom's face, and said very slowly and quietly "I think i want to go."
"You'd rather be at home"
Grandma half closed her eyes. "I'd rather be at home," she affirmed. "I'd rather be at home...I'd rather be at home...I'd rather be at home..." and she continued to repeat the phrase, growing fainter and fainter until she was soundlessly moving her lips. She did this for two or three minutes as my mom laid her head on the bed next to her.

We told this to the nurse. Then the doctor.
Very shortly, the nurse walked in with a cell phone. My grandmother's primary physycian had called to talk to my mom. "oh, i had a feeling this would happen," mom stated knowingly. At one point my she held the phone away from her face and said to my grandma dryly, "The doctor says if you don't stay the night you'll be a very naughty girl."
"Oh nuts to her," grandma grumbled, straightening her sheet and frowning. I let out a laugh from where i was standing.
"Uh-oh, that sounds familiar," i said, referring to my grandpa.
Mom kept listening to what the doctor was saying. "Mom, Dr. Moore says that she just wants one test. Just one more and you can go home first thing in the morning." When she hung up about 5 minutes later she repeated to her, "this is your decision mom. I'm just the horrible go-between."
"Oh you're not horrible," assured grandma. "You're doing the best you can, i know."

To make a very long story short...by the time another hour had passed, after more talking, more roundabout discussion, sighs, a few more tears and one or two chuckles...it was finally decided that grandma would stay the night and have just a few more tests...only so we can figure out what's wrong. Not necessarily to treat it...but just so she can be comfortable. "I'm going to be a good girl," smiled grandma. "I'll stay."
At least five times my mom reassured my grandma saying, "Mom, i will be here at 9 am to bring you home. You will be out of here by 11 if i have to carry you out myself," said my mom.
"Oh, no, not if you have to do that!"

Mom, Dad and i stood around my grandma with our hands on her and prayed. Susan and Juanita stood nearby with their heads bowed. We kissed her goodnight. As mom kissed her, grandma said softly, "I want to feel your cheek on my face." And mom bent her head down and grandma kissed her 3 or 4 times.
When mom and i left she was being wheeled to a room with my dad and Juanita in tow. Dad actually just got home (2:15am). Juanita is spending the night there, bless her.

So, i don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if grandma could go within the next month...or ten years from now. it's very strange to think about. i don't think i can do it just yet...

i'm tired...sorry if there are mistakes. i'll fix them later.

Driving home it was blustery and cold, vegetation flying everywhere. The sky had mostly cleared, and the clouds were beautiful against the starry clean night sky.

It's now 2:30, i have to leave to pick up Sarah from the train station in about 3 hours. Thank goodness Pip is coming with me so i won't fall asleep driving...
i'm excited to see Sarah. (:

i'm going to try to at least get a couple of hours. oh holy mackerel.


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Well, i was just going to write about some stuff, but i was...shall you say...interrupted.
An ambulance service just left with my grandma to take her to the hospital...she was having trouble breathing...so we're hoping everything is okay. Dad and Juanita went with them. Mom and i are going to get some dinner and then we're heading over there ourselves.

The best part is...it's raining! As the EMTs were securing grandma to the gurney my mom joked with her saying..."You just had to pick the night it started raining, huh mom?"
"Well, of course," my grandma said quietly back with a little smile.

i held the umbrella over my grandma's head as she was rolled outside with a poncho draped over her. it was quite amusing. I think she's going to be alright...we're just being safe...sigh.

It's amazing how much less stressful it is to call a service as opposed to 911. No fire engines, no 6 big men stomping around in their flashy uniforms with walkie talkies...anyway...

more later...i gots to go

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My reading of The Robe continues...

"'Were you amazed?'

'No--not amazed; but eager to press on. Bartholomew urged me to leave him. He would make it alone, he said. But the good old man was dead with weariness, so i supported him the rest of the way. When we came out at length on the little plateau in a shady grove, we saw him. Jesus was standing, with both arms outstretched in a gesture of blessing. The disciples were kneeling about his feet. Simon, with his great hands covering his face, had bowed over until his head nearly touched the ground. Poor old Bartholomew, much moved and thoroughly spent, couldn't take another step. He fell to his knees. So did I, though we were at least a hundred cubits from the others. We bowed our heads.' Justus' voice broke, and for a moment he was overcome with emotion. Marcellus waited silently for him to regain self-control.

'After a while,' continued Justus thickly, 'we heard the murmuring of voices. We raised our eyes. He was gone.'

'Where, Justus? Where do you think he went?' asked Marcellus huskily.

'I don't know, my friend. I only know he is alive--and I am always expecting to see him. Sometimes I feel aware of him, as if he were close by.' Justus smiled faintly, his eyes wet with tears. 'It keeps you honest,' he went on. 'You have no temptation to cheat anyone, or lie to anyone, or hurt anyone--when, for all you know, Jesus is standing right beside you.'

'I'm afraid I should feel very uncomfortable,' remarked Marcellus, 'being perpetually watched by some invisible presence.'

'Not if that presence helped you defend yourself against yourself, Marcellus. It is a great satisfaction to have someone standing by--to keep you at your best.' Justus suddenly came to his feet, and went to the door of the tent. A lantern was bobbing through the trees.

'Someone coming?' inquired Marcellus, sitting up."

~The Robe, pgs 440-441


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New Years Eve Day (day...day...day...)

So yesterday was New Year's Eve...and a very long and busy one at that...

I picked up Mister Alec from LAX at 9am, and we drove back to the house for breakfast. By then the whole house was up, and after an hour or so we left for church. The "grown-ups" went in one car, and us four younguns went in my car, and talked and listened to music for the half-hour it takes to get to church. It was a most beautiful day, i might add.

After church the whole clan of out-of-towners, family, and family friends went to Chipotle for lunch...




...which was quite quite amusing, as i got to sit down at the end with all the boys. And Alec. (;




Justin and Clayton


i absolutely LOVE this picture. i just think it's amazing.



Good old cousin Johnny



Alec and mom entertaining the crowd with their witticisms...





After lunch, Dad and Randy and Reid (his cousins, the two fathers of all the "kids", who are my second cousins, actually) went off to get about 50 hand-made tamales we ordered for the evening. Which meant Mom, Laurie (Brandon and Clayton's mom), Brandon, Clayton, Alec and i all had to ride in my little Rav-4. And we got to go marketing! yippee!! Alec got to ride in the way back with all my school junk.

At the store we got drinks (3 water jugs, 3 cases of water bottles, 2 bags of ice, Coronas, Cider, &c...) Firelogs, salsa, 2 big bags of chips, &c &c &c...
And for some reason we never considered that we would have to put this all in the back of the car...where Alec was.


Alec is excited!


The two moms had some misgivings. Alec, Brandon, Clayton and i found it hilarious.
Laurie (in the red) was just beside herself with feeling so sorry for Alec...and as we piled groceries on him was very adamant that we not hurt him.


(actually, mom thought it was pretty darn funny, too.)



In this video you can hear Laurie pleading for her sons to be nice...commenting on how mean boys are to each other. The guys are enjoying the situation immensely. It's amazing. i can't get over it.


loading up...


We didn't end up putting the 30lb box of firelogs on top of him...Clayton held them in his lap the whole way home.



...a priceless kodak moment...


ready to go!



and we're off...


Words of the Day...
Trifecta
Adversity
Clad
Chagrin
Gazebo
Onis

100 points if you know em all...

~~~

Skipping ahead about 5 or 6 hours...
The evening was pretty low-key...about 30 people family and friends all hanging out. Lots of Piano playing...here's Caid and i rocking out...




Clayton and Alec in sweet musical ecsasty...




At one point in the evening, things got pretty intense as Alec improvised on the piano and my aunt Wren and i were his back-up singers. I wish someone had gotten some footage of that, but i'm the only one that thinks of these things!! aagh! It started out with just the cousins, Joey and a couple of others listening...but half way through our first epic ballad the entire party was gathered around the living room. Stunned speechless...most likely with utter horror and confusion...but still that's quite a feat.
At least we recieved some "scattered applause"...(:

oh yea...and Pip and Alec took their shirts off to have it out. Sadly, i only got the tail-end of this spectacle. (what you don't see is the room full of people behind the camera.)

Pip: "Alec, what are you doing, man? You're ruining Christmas." hehehehe...

Clayton then showed us some of his various impressions...



Pip and Alec both left fairly early in the evening...i think Pip had another party to stop by.
The cousins left around 11 because they had the midnight to 6am shift on the parade route. I was way way too tired to go this year...
Indiana Jones was put on in the studio around 10 for anyone who wanted to hang until midnight. Once most people were gone or watching the movie (i didn't feel like watching it) i fiddled on the piano and stuff. I listened from the living room as the broadcast of Times Square bellowed out the coming of 2007...

Sarah called me around midnight (which was closer to 2am her time in Memphis...) and i go to say hi to her...apparently the young people there had an amazing prayer and worship time that lasted from about 8:30pm to 1:30 in the morning...so she was upbeat and chipper despite the late hour.

~~~

New Years day always feels so wierd...because i kind of expect it to "feel" different, you know? and nothing spectacular ever happens...so it just ends up feeling weird.
Leftovers were heated up for lunch, and Dad, Randy, Brandon and Clayton have spent most of the afternoon watching the game. We ran outside as we heard the fly-over at the start of the game but just missed it!
I can hear the noise from the Rose Bowl stadium right here where i'm sitting.

I think i'm going to drive to my apartment tomorrow and get away for a couple of days. I have to be down at school for something this week anyway. Then Sarah comes home on Friday...she's taking the train from Memphis. So she should have a pretty interesting trip through the country.

Well, that's all i guess...today was another gorgeous one. Sunny and crisp. Now it's getting dark and windy.
i hear the marching bands...drums...lots of screaming...it sounds a little scary, actually...



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Happy New Year

I sincerely hope everybody has a wonderful, blessed one...

you all are in my prayers.




my head is twisted on wrong. i'm not feeling very well.

please pray for me.