"You enjoying your break yet?"

Pip asked me last night as he drove me home.
Interesting question. I think i said, "yea."
I don't think I'll enjoy my break until i make it productive...and i don't think i'll make my break productive until i start enjoying it. Fascinating, no? It's so strange when i corner myself into these limbos in which i seem to have no means of accomplishing anything...it's stopped depressing me as much as it used to, and is now just plain irritating. Andrew asks when i'll paint...well by all means, i could be doing it right now. Why don't i look into European art colleges? Why don't i start writing the stories buzzing in my head? Why don't i just lose 20 pounds? ( that last one may seem out of place to you, but it fits there. don't worry.)
Part of me can't decide whether i'm excited about my life ahead, or terrified of it. A common dilemma, i suppose...but that makes no difference when you're experiencing it.
I'm reading Fellowship of the Ring right now, and there's a song in it that Bilbo sings as he leaves the Shire to set out on his "last adventure". He sings it like this:

The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

A few chapters later (many years later in the book's timing), as Frodo sets out, he sings the same song...yet instead of using the word eager, he sings Pursuing it with weary feet.
Bilbo's version conveys a feeling of optomism, excitement, a readiness and willingness to take on what's coming with a spirit of joy. Yet with the difference of a single word, the whole verse is suddenly sad, heavy with apprehension and melancholy, even loneliness. When Pippin questions him about the change in wording, Frodo is not even sure why he chose to sing it that way. It was just how he felt. The difference between the two characters (Bilbo and Frodo) is so stark, it's amazing what a different air it gives to the tale.
I don't know, i guess i found it applicable to me. Because i tend to walk with feet that are already weary, when they should be eager. I wish they were eager, i with it wish all my heart. I feel it sometimes, a sort of an eagerness you could say. I just wonder why there is so much that terrifies me. There's so much that's happened in this past year that's made me question what i want from life. But what i want doesn't matter. And i'm saying that in the least bitter way possible. For what i want may be the last thing i need...so i guess that works out alright.
hmm.
It sure is a magnificent day outside.