At times, i want nothing more than to tackle everything in front of me...to seize opportunity, to overcome listlessness, to prove that my God is sufficient. Usually those days begin with an early rise, a good run, some hours of productivity, quality time with a close friend, a conversation about the Lord, a joyous dinner with my family, feeling like God used me that day.

But what about days where you wake up restless, hot, uncomfortable. I sit frozen in front of my artwork, when i speak i begin to cry, when i try to pray i am overwhelmed with anxiety, and all the while trying to be strong for the people around me who i have come to love so much it hurts. And then everything hurts, my heart, my head, my stomach...i can't eat, sleep, read...a friend calls me, and confides his struggles and i break down...then i feel guilty and pathetic because i want to be there for him, not burden him with my own worries.
I call my mother in desperation. She talks to me and somehow, despite my self, something gets through my muddled head.

The funny thing is, is that what she says to me is pretty much what i had been saying to my friend not 20 minutes before. To let things go, to pray instead of worry, to stop taking on responsibilities that are God's...not mine!

I'm lonely and scared, i said. she told me to try and realize that where i am right now is, for whatever reason, exactly where God wants me. Maybe right now He wants me to be alone, because He is tired of sharing me. Maybe i'm not supposed to run off and forget that i am in need. Maybe i am supposed to feel weak.

Phil spoke a really amazing message on Sunday about how the Lord allows us to come into captivity, to utter helplessness, so we can only rely on Him. Today i read the very familiar verse on 2 Corinthians...

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'"

The greatest material in God's hands is not my strength, it's my weakness.

...right now i'm just praying i can even begin to understand it. It certainly "makes sense"...but i keep trying to take back control. I keep running to rescue people. In spite of the fact that i feel pitifully weak and unable to do anything for anyone, i try to do it anyway...because i just can't bring myself to fully trust in the promises of my Heavenly Father.

I told my friend that his job is to pursue the Lord, to make known his needs to Him, and to wait, even though his situation is becoming more and more unbearable.

And i can't even do it myself!
i guess i keep waiting for the day when it will just "click" and it won't be so hard anymore. but i'm seeing that that is the opposite attitude i need to have.

"...I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

i admit, i have absolutely no idea how to do this.
but i think, in light of this scripture, that is a really good thing. because it's not about what i can do...or cannot do. it's not up to me to "prove my God"...He can do that Himself.

i am seeing people all around me realizing their lack of control over their lives. my sister, Laurel and Chad, Edan, my friend Drea, Bettina, Joey and Ginger...i would go on but i think i would just end up listing every single person i know. :P

aaand i am at the point where i am simply starting to ramble...where my writing has lost it's remnant of structure and randomness takes over. so i'll finish and just ask humbly for your prayers and assure you that you are in mine.

love, colleen


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