hi.
how are you?
i've been better, but i've also been worse.
yestarday i went for a walk with my aunt Wren and we talked about current events in our respective lives. i was telling her at one point how i'm not asking God to re-do anything, i'm not asking Him to take it away, i just want my heart to change so i can get past the ache. i just want particular things in my life to just
end, just
finish up already.
i am weary of the ups and downs. i wish i could just be hopelessly depressed until it passes, or that my heart and feelings would just
change to i can reach the end of this and
move on. to be able to look back, see why it had to happen, and be able to thank the Lord for it. i know i will be there at some point...i know because i have already experienced it...but oh, if only i could be there
now...!! to reach the conclusion of all this!
Wren said almost immediately, "The thing is...this
is the end."
i was quiet. did i understand what she just said?
"God's purpose
is right now," she continued. "The lesson doesn't come later, right
now is the goal." she laughed a little ironically; she was speaking to herself as well. "This is where you are supposed to be. Not when it's all over; the goal is right now."
i wept inside of me.
now?
right
now?
but right now...
sucks...
i realize as i write this that i kind of chose to just not think any longer on what Wren said. it just wasn't
pleasant enough. we were almost back to my parent's house. i told her that instead of going to Laguna that evening i would be staying at her place that night...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this morning i woke up with strange dreams still playing in my head. i got ready for the day, grabbed a couple of books, some coffee, and i went and sat in Wren's dining room. one of the books i had in front of me was Chambers'
My Utmost for His Highest, which
i hadn't opened in a while.
Wren came in and said that today she had to go to Archives, among other places. i sighed, "oh, i looove Archives!" i picked up
My Utmost and said lightly, "that's where i got this."
Wren glanced at the book and said tiredly, "if you read something good, read it to me," and left the room. i opened to today's date, and began to read. this is what it said:
~~~
| AFTER OBEDIENCE - WHAT? |
|
|
And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side. . . ." Mark 6:45-52 We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end. What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God. God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end. God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious. |
~~~
"It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God..."
When Wren came back into the room i said to her, "You will laugh when you hear what today's reading had to say." She smiled at me, "really??" I looked down at the page in front of me, "It is
exactly what we were talking about yesterday. Seriously...it's hilarious." She sat down across from me and waited for me to read it.
when i finished she was laughing quietly "wow!' she said. "that's...! i had just been thinking about that...!"
"i know"
"I'm going to have to write that down..."
"i know"
she took a pencil.
"i don't even read this every day..." i mused.
she looked around for a blank spot to write on.
i sat in silence.
"What's the date, on that..." she asked, still looking down for a place to write.
"Today. July 28th," i said with a small laugh
"wow," she half-whispered
"i know"
~
i always take it for granted that when God speaks to me it will result in happiness and overwhelming peace and hope. i suppose it should, no matter what. but i admit i am not feeling very hopeful right now. i still have that desire to either be
broken, or be
through. to stop this darn PROCESS!!
i guess that is what He is trying to work out in me. in which case i had better find some contentment...find some calm in the
now...whether i'm in a state of peace or despair...
in a way i always knew this.
a lesson i have already learned...
was i pretending i didn't...?
that's probably why He had to yell at me.
Your whispers, Lord...please now grant me your gentle whispers...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i keep having these dreams that are so real and true-to-life and unspectacular that in the last week or two, i have been having a genuinely hard time separating them from my waking life. i will recall a conversation i had with someone a few days ago and either laugh, or breathe a sigh of relief that i was able to talk to them, or be upset about its outcome, or happy...
