The light outside is so beautiful, God
It stings the ugliness of my heart, and i'm glad it does
because it means i'm not as numb as i feel
that just because i don't smile doesn't mean i don't love
just because i don't cry doesn't mean i'm not sad
and that just because i can't sleep it doesn't mean i'm not tired
even now as my head is pounding in seeming emptiness i also feel ready to burst with emotion
the conflict wages a terrible war
and i'm scared because i don't even understand what i'm feeling
i heard from the lips of a loved one that the opposite of faith is not doubt
it's fear
and what have i to do with the rival of that by which i should live?
i don't know how to function in this tiredness, God
i keep waiting for undefined things that are not there and never will be
instead of just looking for what's in front of me
because Lord God what is in front of me scares me
and hurts me
in ways i never thought i could feel pain
because Father, Lord the circle keeps repeating
to be healed only to become sick again
and again
is taking the breath out of my lungs
and i can't seem to run anymore
or sometimes even walk
but the light burns brightly this evening
such a glowing green...
and i'm afraid to feel this ounce of happiness
i don't want it to go away
not again

even now, do i stay? or tear myself away once more
in tears and guilt
but for the sake of so much
for who knows how long
how long will it wage, this battle, and keep me out of their arms
and in this state of confused loneliness
it's so dark...
if only there was away to glimpse a spark of clarity
just a light
Lord just a little light...

until then will You hold my hand to keep me from falling?



~~~~~~~~~~~

Italy...part 1!

Okay okay. So it's taken a while. But trying to organize over 1,000 pictures is a daunting task...and there are still some from other people i heven't gotten yet. So what you will see are just a few of my favorites...enjoy!

Of course, there will be cloud pictures. These i took on the bus ride from Rome to Florence...







And this...was the most wonderful apartment in the world...and it was all ours. Seriously, every day we would wake up and marvel at how blessed we were.




Michelle and i slept in the downstairs bed, Katy slept upstairs.



View from the loft...



We had a backyard and a patio...










On the Ponte Vecchio


This means we're coming back!


The Duomo









Off to dinner!









We ate so much gelato. But you don't get sick of it. Especially when it's really hot and you're walking 6-10 miles a day!




Our first dinner that we cooked in our place.


Cheers!


To Be Continued...

...off to Orange where i will read the new Harry Potter! I got it in the mail today...so i'm very excited. All you people out there who think you're just too cool for school can go read the dictionary.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First of all, "JOEY"...

...i was in the process of working on this at the same moment that you so politely commented on my myspace...so, don't go and get all self-righteous on me, thinking, you know, that i was like, "Ooh! Joey told me to update! I had better do so immediately lest he never grace my blog with his supremous presence again!"
(:

Okay...i pretty much haven't had internet access since a week ago...and my dear computer is being terribly frustratingly stupid and i can't get all of my Italy pictures to upload at the moment. So i'm still waiting to post them...garrrumph.
But other happenings are also of worth to feature here, i believe...so here goes!

First of all, Alec's lovely parents, Artie and Helen (hi there!) came to visit us the week after i got home. It was a very wonderful time, in my opinion. Lots of laughter, conversation, and well-mannered frivolity.


Last week i went and saw the new Harry Potter (OOTP) with some friends from school. We are for sure the coolest people in line.

We all took a jaunt over to Wal Mart and bought various snacks which we snuck in stuffed into our pockets and hoods. So rebellious.
Nick, Krystyl and Edan (with his capri sun)...


The next day was the annual conference at Westmont College in Santa Barbara...where various sister-churches from around the country, and people really from around the world, all gather to spend some time in fellowship with the Lord and each other. As you saw very breifly and vaguely in theh post below, He really hit me with some stuff...this last week has been unbelievable...
Here are Sarah and ole James...

And...of course...ULTIMATE FRISBEE...



Words are not enough to describe the intrinsic beauty and greatness that is this picture...


Alec had something in his teeth. Good thing Joey Andrew and Trevor are so nice to help him out.

Lovely cousin Rachel

the abundance of babies (Caid on the far left)


THE BEACH

so much love

and even more love...


some awesomeness


don't forget the brotherly love...


...

and off they go into the sunset...

right after i took this Trevor dropped Brianna and then tripped over her and they...well...lets just say they got really sandy.

The End!



oh yea...and stay cool.

An exhortation...

An exhortation is an encouragement and a warning...and God sends one before He allows a shaking.

Why is it so difficult for me to remember how good the Lord is? I have such a hard time being peaceful...afraid of when i'll be snapped out of it again...but is it really worth perpetual discontent and bitterness just to avoid being shaken (as Dana Congdon put it last night) and thus built up in Christ? i can't hide from Jesus. He has hit me with so much blessing and grace in the last few days, despite how difficult they have been, and i am waiting to see what He still has for me...
i still harbor that cursed fear...and yet i sense a small flame of hope i haven't felt in what seems like a lifetime...dare i be anticipating the days ahead...?
I think i actually am...at least for now...and it feels better than anything i could have ever hoped for.




ps...Italy pictures are coming soon. i've been busy. (:



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

sick and tired

hey hey...got back on Monday night and woke up Tuesday morning with one of the worst cases of the flu i have ever had. and the jet lag isn't helping...!
So when it doesn't hurt to type i'll put up pictures.

Italy was incredible...thanks for all the prayer. it did wonders. believe me...

Arrivederci

Io vado a Italia...i'll be back on the 25th! Florence and Rome and wine and good art and good food here i come...!


(the best picture of me with short hair i have...i'm dancing around and singing to myself in the backyard)

Ciao!

~clln

i'm free!

On Sunday afternoon, as i mentioned before, my cousin Anna came over and i gave up my 3+ years worth of hair...

Here it is in the usual braid...


down


looking at these kind of makes me sad...


Here is Anna doing the deed! I was kind of freaking out while she cut layer after layer...it took her about a minute to get through all of it. note the look of glee on her face...

what you can't see in this picture are my legs curled up in anxiety-ridden panic as i squealed and squirmed with every slice of the shears...


all gone...!


I actually really like it...still getting used to it...
i never realised how heavy my hair was until i got up and ran to the back to the house to wet my head (so Anna could neaten it up) and there wasn't something pulling at the back of my skull every time i took a step...it was amazing!! It's about 2 inches shorter than in the above picture.
Oh, and when i went running yesterday it felt so wonderful...and washing my hair afterward was marvelous! I smiled in the shower as instead of filling my palm with shampoo until it was spilling over the sides i splooted out a little quarter sized amount and scrunched it through. haha!
Even now my head keeps lolling forward as i still instinctively try to compensate for extra weight pulling my head back...it's so weird. I'll try and get a picture of the finished product before tomorrow...when i leave for ITALY!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~