The light outside is so beautiful, God
It stings the ugliness of my heart, and i'm glad it does
because it means i'm not as numb as i feel
that just because i don't smile doesn't mean i don't love
just because i don't cry doesn't mean i'm not sad
and that just because i can't sleep it doesn't mean i'm not tired
even now as my head is pounding in seeming emptiness i also feel ready to burst with emotion
the conflict wages a terrible war
and i'm scared because i don't even understand what i'm feeling
i heard from the lips of a loved one that the opposite of faith is not doubt
it's fear
and what have i to do with the rival of that by which i should live?
i don't know how to function in this tiredness, God
i keep waiting for undefined things that are not there and never will be
instead of just looking for what's in front of me
because Lord God what is in front of me scares me
and hurts me
in ways i never thought i could feel pain
because Father, Lord the circle keeps repeating
to be healed only to become sick again
and again
is taking the breath out of my lungs
and i can't seem to run anymore
or sometimes even walk
but the light burns brightly this evening
such a glowing green...
and i'm afraid to feel this ounce of happiness
i don't want it to go away
not again

even now, do i stay? or tear myself away once more
in tears and guilt
but for the sake of so much
for who knows how long
how long will it wage, this battle, and keep me out of their arms
and in this state of confused loneliness
it's so dark...
if only there was away to glimpse a spark of clarity
just a light
Lord just a little light...

until then will You hold my hand to keep me from falling?



~~~~~~~~~~~