Sunday, September 10

thinking outrageously

Sometimes there is so much to write you just can’t write. I’ve felt that way all day every time I’ve attempted to compose this post…and I keep starting over and over.
There has been a certain disquieting thought occupying my mind for the past couple of years, and rarely do I let it overwhelm me. But for the past week or so I have let it take precedence over most other things...mostly because it just keeps popping up in my head…

I don’t know if I want to be an artist anymore.

okay…big deal. Except for the fact that my entire life, that’s all I’ve worked for. It’s all I’ve felt I could ever do well. Yes, I’ve dabbled in other things that interest me. I write a lot. I’ve taken singing lessons. I learned web design and computer graphics. I love traveling and learning history. I’ve studied French, Italian and German with great enthusiasm and interest…but not with great success.
But I’ve never felt like I excelled in anything. I’m a good reader…but there’s not a lot to do with that; however much I adore it.

These days school is hard for me for so many reasons. Many I’ve related before, but many I have not. I just don’t find the same joy in painting as I seemed to before. Drawing portraits I will never tire of…but what about illustrating my own graphic novel? Living in Italy? Creating music? Studying literature? Learning Japanese? Animation?

Perhaps i’m merely in a slump…but I feel like I’ve been here for a very long time. Check out these posts from June 9, and June 18 2004...
I know i am where i am for a reason. But i’m not making the most of it and i’m discouraged. If i even had the chance to do any of those things…would i?

i really don't know. or maybe i'm just afraid to say i wouldn't.
i hate feeling frightened of life...! What a wretched, shameful, impossible burden!!

it's about 12 hours later than when i started this post. my eyes are heavy. but i can't go to sleep yet...first i have to wash my hair...which is now past my waist. (that's just for future reference for me).

the sky outside is lit up by the rose bowl.

good night...almost...


Bill said...

Hi Colleen,
I have so seldom run into anyone who has read Phantastes and, I assume, Lillith that I had to drop you a note. You read lots of my favorite books. :)

I haven't read any of your posts as I just wanted to make this comment but if you don't mind, I will poke around.

Bill said...

"...I don't know if I want to be an artist any more...."

You can't create passion but if you have known once, you'll know it again. Be faithful to yourself.

Anonymous said...

colleen i know how it feels when it occurs to you that maybe the career you had as your goal for a long time seems to reveal itself as rather unappealing...
your worth is not in who you are as an artist, but resides in who you are as a daughter of God.

at the same time, part of being an artist is slogging through self-doubt and insecurity. not that i've ever felt insecure about the art i do. :)

i'll be praying for you. hang in there. God will make it clear whatever way you're supposed to go!

peregrin said...

sorry i forgot my blogging username, but this is PIP.

also, colleen, know that as you're feeling discouraged, you have been blessed with loads of talent, artistically and musically and personally, and that your love for art and people and your developing of those talents has absolutely been an inspiration to lots of people, especially myself.


Ched said...

Hang in there. Even the stuff you post on this blog speaks of your obvious and intrinsic talents. No great artist ever escaped the occassional (or sometimes seemingly systematic) dark night of the soul. I appreciate your open confession.