Thursday, September 6

expect the unexpected

"Our readiness to see what we expect to see causes us to overlook a lot."

I was assigned an essay to read last week about art restoration.

Most people know that i have a habit of writing down things that i hear, whether they speak to me somehow, or just help to remember a hilarious moment, whether they are funny or insightful or beautiful...and that phrase didn’t just speak, it more yelled right into my ear and temporarily deafened me. For about 5 minutes i forgot the context of the article and just sat and thought about how my life lately (rather, that last year or so) has been so defined by my dependency on expectation rather than looking for what has already been prepared for me. The most extreme case, of course, is found in the Bible, where Christ was a stumbling block to the Jews. Because of their expectations, because their sight was so limited, they missed out on the MESSIAH. Of course it wasn't just the Jewish people, everyone is guilty of denying Jesus' divinity. I'm one of the worst, because i'm someone that knows the truth but so often still refuses to accept Him.

Honestly, i think my life would change dramatically if i could just learn to let go of what i think i want and need. I would cry a lot less and worry a lot less and sleep a lot more, which means i could actually wake up and go running in the morning. i just get so panicked that the way things are and the way i feel right now will in many ways never change because i don't know what it is to NOT be the way i am...

i did a drawing of Pip a few weeks ago, and i feel like i re-learn this lesson of "process" every time i do a piece of art. it never EVER looks good for about the first 3/4 of the time. it's out of proportion, bland, flat, and sometimes it looks just plain bad and i can't figure out what to do and i have to put it aside for a few days. But in the end it comes out to look pretty good. Not perfect, or even great. But then i'm not God and i'm not fashioning the life of a human being. i'm just an art student trying to put my friend's likeness on a piece of paper.

I try to take pictures of various stages of my work so every time i start something new i can look back and say "see? that one didn't start out so hot...but you worked through it and got it there." Sometimes it takes a few days...sometimes a few weeks...
In the case of myself, it is a literal lifetime...however long that may be. I'm nearly finished with another portrait drawing which gave me a very hard time...but now i love it. When i get my camera fixed i'll put the pictures up. (yes, my camera's broken...i could just kill myself)

At one point, the essay switches from the object of restoration and the restoration process, to the restorer himself:
“…he does not limit himself to the technically possible; on the contrary, he regards the technically impossible as a personal challenge.”
i don’t know if i would go so far as to say that God is challenged by His work of restoring us…or maybe I would. The point being, how lucky for me that He does not limit Himself…and that consequently we must not think of ourselves as being limited to what we are.
“Nothing is impossible…”
Why do i forget that so easily? Because i am human, i am in the middle of a process of perfection and all i can see is how cracked and discolored and unfinished i am. But restoration will come, the restorer promised it, He refuses to rush it, and the results will be beyond my wildest, pathetic, lofty expectations.



sarah said...

i love you. i'm so proud of what the Lord is doing with you and in your heart.

Kallista Ianthe said...

We must be the same person. it's weird. whenever you write something i interpret it as insight for what I just went through. It's a little weird ,but I think it's the Lord's work.
you're wonderful