Friendship is such a strangely undefinable entity...
The thought is growing more and more in my mind that you can never know anyone completely. Even if you've stood by them since you were ten, even through mutual downfalls and picking each other back up again, even after seeming to share things only friends can share...
There sometimes come a point when you can look straight into her eyes and see someone you've never met, someone who doesn't want to know you, someone who thinks they know you and never really has...
someone who asks for help then denys it
someone who hears your words and discards them
flouts any responsibility
disregards your feelings
rejects God's hand
because as long as she's happy, why does it matter what happens to the hearts of those who love her? To those she claims to love? What kind of love is that, that demands i ignore the gnawing on my psyche and act as if all is well?
I asked what she would do if she found me in a situation dangerous to my spirit and my mind...one that i'd been in before, many times before, and had hardened my heart against truth...against those around me...against the Lord's will...
She said she's say how she felt and then support me and be my friend.
be my friend.
support me.
support me???
I don't want a friend who would do that. That's not love. That's not friendship. That's allowing someone to go ahead and drive a car with no brakes because you want to avoid argument. That's letting someone continue to shoot up because you don't want conflict.
That's ignoring something of eternal importance because you don't care enough to risk a little bit of your own skin.
I don't want a friend like that. no one needs a friend like that.
but that's the kind of friend she wants.
that's the kind of friend she is.
that's not the kind of friend i am.
and it's not that kind of friend i'll be.

i really can't do this anymore and i don't know what's going to happen. I can't say anything more than i've said, and i won't. it's not up to me; it's up to the Lord...and her.
in fact, in a way, it's all up to her.

all i can do is pray i'll be led the way chosen for me in this situation, and try to understand...
that sometimes being a friend means you can't be their friend...and everything in me hopes it doesn't come to that.