the vital connection

"Beware of the tendency of asking the way when you know it perfectly well."

~Oswald Chambers (again)

i came to terms a long time ago with the fact that i am ridiculously afraid of always making the wrong decision or doing the wrong thing. i don't know how i have come to be this way...but there it is! it's a daily struggle to be so uncertain and insecure and completely un-trusting of myself, and i know that i'm not the only person who experiences this. though sometimes i feel like i am.
i realize it's not necessarily a bad thing to be untrusting of oneself...in fact it can be a very good thing.
i believe there are many times where, in my hesitation, i have been spared very unpleasant experiences...on the other hand it has also held me back from what could have been very good and worthy ones.
So often it makes it hard to discern what i feel is the Lord's will from my own.

How much do i invest myself in people and things? Do i wait, Lord? Do i move ahead? Do i buy that plane ticket to Ireland? Do i reach out personally to someone who hurting? Do i commit to a career in animation or teaching? et cetera...

Or do i already know God's leading and i'm just too afraid of mistaking it for my own desire.
Because believe me, i know what i desire in these things and more...that is definitely not the problem. Or, you could say, it's a huge part!

What i hope for, more than anything else is that my interests be identified with Christ's.

Chambers also writes about intercession (which i feel ties in to all this)...

"Identification is the key to intercession, and whenever we stop being identified with God, it is by sympathy, not by sin. It is not likely that sin will interfere with our relationship to God, but sympathy will, sympathy with ourselves or with others which makes us say--'I will not allow that thing to happen.' Instantly we are out of vital connection with God."

This is such a loaded statement...i'll leave you to your own thoughts about it.
Just to say it spoke to me deeply in 2 ways...obviously, in how i pray for other people, and in how i discern what God's desires are in daily living.

i yearn for that vital connection, for that identification. Whether it be what to read in the morning, to praying for a drug-addicted loved one, to where i will be living in 3 months.

Proverbs 19:21...Thank God.

~

in other news:
i am having surgery tomorrow! it's funny...it took me (literally) years to finally make the decision to move forward with it (how appropriate). don't worry it's nothing life-threatening. "elective but medically necessary". it's a relatively personal procedure, but i don't really care if people know or not. i'm just not comfortable with posting details online.
i hope i will be able to make it to the oakbridge retreat in a couple of weeks...but if i don't you know why! and if i do, you will know why i won't be able to hug anyone. ha.
i'm a bit nervous, and the first week won't be much fun...so prayers are appreciated, please. :) thanks lovely people.