Friday, April 17

state of mind...

today i felt overwhelmed.
which is, in itself, fine. sometimes i strangely like feeling overly busy...it gives me a sense of purpose; "i have things to do! places to go!" i feel so productive! usually that's when i'm dealing with things i know i can take care of with minimal emotional energy exertion. (that's MEEE in textspeak)
needless to say, i'm sure, right now i am not that kind of overwhelmed. i am the sort that makes me feel like i can't move. worries for people, worries about work, doctor visits, bills, endless phone calls to my health insurance (aaagh will SOMEONE please use words i understand?), frustrating mental instability...
the one good thing about this kind? it makes me cling to the Lord.

an excerpt from my journal from monday April 13...

"...In My Utmost for His Highest the last 2 days, the Lord has pricked my soul. Nothing huge or flashy, or yelling in my face, but just a couple of quiet nudges. Yesterday there was one sentence that summed it up for me: 'Any strand of our own energy will blur the life of Jesus'. I don't ever really need a book or a person to tell me this because I feel it every moment of my life, but all the same I do. I needed to be told.

And then this morning the subject was right and wrong burden-bearing, and the folly of not casting our burdens back onto God. '...but if we roll back on God that which He has put on us, He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself.'

My reliance on my own energy is both confusing and exhausting me. And despite my self-doubt, insecurity and weakness I just keep doing it. And so i become tired, angry, awkward, and cannot be of use to anyone."
That's basically where i've been all week, and today was especially difficult as things finally kind of boiled over. Even after what i wrote 4 days ago, i will not stop this reliance on my self, this carrying of burdens i am so loath to let God take back and help me with. Why is it so so very hard? Why don't i trust Him?
i mean, i do trust Him.
i guess i just feel that maybe He's taking too long...
or that i am not hearing Him clearly, if at all...how can i tell?
does He want me to wait, or take these steps forward?
or perhaps i have simply messed things up by my stubbornness and fear and now everything is ruined and i will never know what good He may have had for me if i had just: a. kept quiet and waited, or b. leaped forward in unwavering faith...(depending on the situation...)...
or...or...

~

in a moment of rest i realize i give my self way too much credit. stop. read Numbers 23:19.
i cannot thwart God. He cannot fail me. it is just nonsense.

"He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself"


and suddenly, if even for just a moment, i feel a light and clarity i never would have if this day, if this mind, were happily and effortlessly my own.

1 comment:

LMS said...

This week has been really rough for me too. Thanks for sharing this, I feel like I could have written it....and probably should.