certain hope

"I cannot forget the flints on my own path and the thorns. But, looking back, I know I would not have chosen any other if I could have known when I first began to walk in it what it would mean of His companionship, and also of the power to enter into the griefs of others. It was all worth while, ten thousand times worth while.

Don't let anything discourage you. Some may disappoint you--He was disappointed. You will find that nothing is too small for His regard. He will say things to you that you could not repeat--they would sound too small, too intimate--but they will be the joy and rejoicing of your heart."

~Amy Carmichael
Candles in the Dark

just waiting

and praying

and waiting

things to look at

(or not)

Just hanging out with the cousins last saturday...

Video in which Caid makes himself dizzy. Just wait for it...it's pretty cute

i really really like this series of pictures...

wrestling with the big boys...

the Gwennest!!

Karen and her grand-kids playing with Gwen after church on Sunday...

heartaches, broken pieces
ruined lives
are why You died on Calvary
Your touch
is what i long for

You have given life to me

~

state of mind...

today i felt overwhelmed.
which is, in itself, fine. sometimes i strangely like feeling overly busy...it gives me a sense of purpose; "i have things to do! places to go!" i feel so productive! usually that's when i'm dealing with things i know i can take care of with minimal emotional energy exertion. (that's MEEE in textspeak)
needless to say, i'm sure, right now i am not that kind of overwhelmed. i am the sort that makes me feel like i can't move. worries for people, worries about work, doctor visits, bills, endless phone calls to my health insurance (aaagh will SOMEONE please use words i understand?), frustrating mental instability...
the one good thing about this kind? it makes me cling to the Lord.

an excerpt from my journal from monday April 13...

"...In My Utmost for His Highest the last 2 days, the Lord has pricked my soul. Nothing huge or flashy, or yelling in my face, but just a couple of quiet nudges. Yesterday there was one sentence that summed it up for me: 'Any strand of our own energy will blur the life of Jesus'. I don't ever really need a book or a person to tell me this because I feel it every moment of my life, but all the same I do. I needed to be told.

And then this morning the subject was right and wrong burden-bearing, and the folly of not casting our burdens back onto God. '...but if we roll back on God that which He has put on us, He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself.'

My reliance on my own energy is both confusing and exhausting me. And despite my self-doubt, insecurity and weakness I just keep doing it. And so i become tired, angry, awkward, and cannot be of use to anyone."

That's basically where i've been all week, and today was especially difficult as things finally kind of boiled over. Even after what i wrote 4 days ago, i will not stop this reliance on my self, this carrying of burdens i am so loath to let God take back and help me with. Why is it so so very hard? Why don't i trust Him?
i mean, i do trust Him.
i guess i just feel that maybe He's taking too long...
or that i am not hearing Him clearly, if at all...how can i tell?
does He want me to wait, or take these steps forward?
or perhaps i have simply messed things up by my stubbornness and fear and now everything is ruined and i will never know what good He may have had for me if i had just: a. kept quiet and waited, or b. leaped forward in unwavering faith...(depending on the situation...)...
or...or...

~

in a moment of rest i realize i give my self way too much credit. stop. read Numbers 23:19.
i cannot thwart God. He cannot fail me. it is just nonsense.

"He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself"

and suddenly, if even for just a moment, i feel a light and clarity i never would have if this day, if this mind, were happily and effortlessly my own.

listening

yippee

guess what? the pikes have the most beautiful sweet-smelling wisteria vine i've ever seen...

spiderweb :)

one of my favorite times of the week is going to Tom and Jeannie's for dinner before bible study. and right now, early spring, is the an excellent time of the year to sit outside in their backyard as the sun goes down. especially with the family there, a good book, and a cup of tea next to me.
i like this video because it's just an unspectacular little 2 minute window of people and interactions...














after bible study Caid, Amaris and i ran around like crazy people in the front yard, each of us taking turns picking him up and chasing each other. all the while, Caid screeching like a bird (emphasis on screeching)

















when we got back inside we realized that Caid's little pants were completely falling off...

uncle Jeff playing with Caid

now, some more neato videos...

caid trying to get gwen to crawl to him (you can hear him saying "come on, come on!")...




Sunday afternoon and evening Jordan and i helped Jeff lay his railroad ties into his front yard. i am sore and have gnarly bruises on my forearms. i feel tough. of course, i don't have a picture of any of that. but here are a couple from when he took us to dinner at Bossa Nova later that night. mmm...












leftover Brazillian food for lunch is a happy thing.

that's all today.
still learning to lean on Him...

isaiah 55

i'm really starting to feel... and i mean really starting, like never really experienced it before...to feel the conviction and massiveness of what it means to let the Lord do what He desires in my life, and not letting myself get in the way. in everything. work, lodging, relationships, activities...i just want what He wants. this doesn't mean i get it...i don't get it at all! i just know there is something to get. it's not about me--and i don't want to obsess over my failings and fears of failings anymore.

it is 21:06

do you know where your trains are?

ok back to work...painting rainbow joshua trees...soon to eat some orange chicken...mmm

oh and watch this. preferably now.