the vital connection

"Beware of the tendency of asking the way when you know it perfectly well."

~Oswald Chambers (again)

i came to terms a long time ago with the fact that i am ridiculously afraid of always making the wrong decision or doing the wrong thing. i don't know how i have come to be this way...but there it is! it's a daily struggle to be so uncertain and insecure and completely un-trusting of myself, and i know that i'm not the only person who experiences this. though sometimes i feel like i am.
i realize it's not necessarily a bad thing to be untrusting of oneself...in fact it can be a very good thing.
i believe there are many times where, in my hesitation, i have been spared very unpleasant experiences...on the other hand it has also held me back from what could have been very good and worthy ones.
So often it makes it hard to discern what i feel is the Lord's will from my own.

How much do i invest myself in people and things? Do i wait, Lord? Do i move ahead? Do i buy that plane ticket to Ireland? Do i reach out personally to someone who hurting? Do i commit to a career in animation or teaching? et cetera...

Or do i already know God's leading and i'm just too afraid of mistaking it for my own desire.
Because believe me, i know what i desire in these things and more...that is definitely not the problem. Or, you could say, it's a huge part!

What i hope for, more than anything else is that my interests be identified with Christ's.

Chambers also writes about intercession (which i feel ties in to all this)...

"Identification is the key to intercession, and whenever we stop being identified with God, it is by sympathy, not by sin. It is not likely that sin will interfere with our relationship to God, but sympathy will, sympathy with ourselves or with others which makes us say--'I will not allow that thing to happen.' Instantly we are out of vital connection with God."

This is such a loaded statement...i'll leave you to your own thoughts about it.
Just to say it spoke to me deeply in 2 ways...obviously, in how i pray for other people, and in how i discern what God's desires are in daily living.

i yearn for that vital connection, for that identification. Whether it be what to read in the morning, to praying for a drug-addicted loved one, to where i will be living in 3 months.

Proverbs 19:21...Thank God.

~

in other news:
i am having surgery tomorrow! it's funny...it took me (literally) years to finally make the decision to move forward with it (how appropriate). don't worry it's nothing life-threatening. "elective but medically necessary". it's a relatively personal procedure, but i don't really care if people know or not. i'm just not comfortable with posting details online.
i hope i will be able to make it to the oakbridge retreat in a couple of weeks...but if i don't you know why! and if i do, you will know why i won't be able to hug anyone. ha.
i'm a bit nervous, and the first week won't be much fun...so prayers are appreciated, please. :) thanks lovely people.

"Faith is not a pathetic sentiment, but robust, vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love."

~Oswald Chambers

certain hope

"I cannot forget the flints on my own path and the thorns. But, looking back, I know I would not have chosen any other if I could have known when I first began to walk in it what it would mean of His companionship, and also of the power to enter into the griefs of others. It was all worth while, ten thousand times worth while.

Don't let anything discourage you. Some may disappoint you--He was disappointed. You will find that nothing is too small for His regard. He will say things to you that you could not repeat--they would sound too small, too intimate--but they will be the joy and rejoicing of your heart."

~Amy Carmichael
Candles in the Dark

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Jasmine is blooming everywhere...
and flowering trees...magnolias, lemons, plums, crepe myrtles, oranges, tababoulias...everything smells good.

last week was rough...but God showed me a LOT about Himself throughout it. i learned about how much fear i harbor (i didn't think i could possibly have needed to know more about that), how fragile i am (again...i thought i had that covered), and how much i need my brothers and sisters in Christ to keep me straight and accountable.

yesterday, Sunday, was one of the most beautiful days ( i think) that we've had this year. it rained early in the morning, leaving the skies clear, clean and full of magnificent deep, thick clouds in brilliant contrasts of light and dark. the sun shone most of the day, but a chill breeze blew as well, making scarves and jackets a necessity.
though, for a few hours in the afternoon i refused my sweater... content to let my arms soak in all the different warms, cools and breezes in the air.

after church the whole clan went to lunch at pei wei, including anna, the meyers, even dave came and met us, fresh from SLO.
gwen discovered she loved a tube of lip gloss i had in my purse.

afterward mom wanted to see jeff's house and the work he was doing on it, so while the two of them talked home improvement, i sat on wren's front lawn (as they are next door to each other) and enjoyed the previously lauded weather. i was joined on and off by sarah and alec, and at one point, reid and cam--who enjoyed a bit of tag and wrestling.















i hung out around there most of the afternoon...eventually getting coffee with wren, anna, robin and my mom. then we went and bugged jeff, who had just laid down on his couch for a nap.

in the evening i stuck around with jeff and mom took my car home. we decided to go to Whole Foods to get dinner supplies, deciding we wanted to create a vast array of delectable delights to graze from. we were there for the better part of an hour choosing cheeses, fruit (apples and cantaloupe), prosciutto, salame, olives, bread, crackers, chocolate, tea...and a nice bottle of something that, once empty, could hold a bunch of jasmine. after a long, store-wide search, we were left with 2 obvious choices: a really pretty blue sake bottle, and a rad beer bottle with an owl on it...we decided to go with the sake.
we also went by bed bath & beyond because jeff needed wine glasses. he also bought a new trashcan. he was super excited about it.

once back at his place, we prepared the food and listened to the Sweet Hurt whilst doing so. i spent most of the time wrapping the prosciutto around the melon. wren and cam came by and sampled a few things. cam also spent a good amount of time perfecting his form sliding across jeff's still empty new hardwood floors.

once jeff finished the sake i went outside and shivered as i clipped a bunch of jasmine from his vine. around 9:30 jordan came over with a few more things, we did pushups, and then sat down to enjoy our spectacular array of food while watching james bond.
how do i know it was an awesome evening?

because i forgot to take even ONE single picture.

~~~

morning coffee

hello there. it is a cool overcast morning in Laguna Niguel, and i'm drinking coffee...my new addiction. when i started hanging out with my friends last fall, they all went out for coffee all the time, and though i wasn't much of a fan, i went along. within a couple of weeks i remember thinking "hmm, this stuff isn't so bad" and i would order a small one. little did i know that by the next summer i would get major headaches and not be able to fully open my eyes without it!! oh cursed caffeine dependency...
anyway, i just left Dee's this morning. i'll take care of her nest week too, i'm pretty sure. my friend Katie Schmid came to take my place around 8am, so i got to talk to her for a little while. and that was wonderful. she is going to Italy in october and i am exceedingly jealous...

i'm kind of low lately. which i hate because i so badly want to be happy...the Lord is doing so much. but with specific situations just continuing to cause emotional pain and these stupid stupid dreams i keep having...i just can't let things go. last night i prayed that i could just let Jesus have these burdens...these thorns...and that (and 2 tylenol pm) helped me fall asleep a little bit better. i don't remember what i dreamed...yet...

i'm hoping to see my friend Drea today, who is dealing with some major struggles herself. i hope she will somehow come to see who God really is in her life through what she is dealing with. that He's not just some distant, apathetic spirit in the sky that doesn't care what you do with yourself as long as you are a "good person"...

i was also invited to an afternoon gathering at a nude beach. we'll see about that :P

~

i think that one of the most important things i have learned in the last month or so is that it is okay in life to fail at something...as long as it was something you were called by the Lord to do. i think of Amaris and the desperate situation she has been in for the last year...all the saturday morning women's prayer meetings where she would come and ask that somehow the Lord would tell her what to do with herself, so that she could make a living, pay her bills, just get by...
and week after week, month after month, nothing would happen. she wasn't making enough money at her job, she was feeling unfulfilled, and God seemed to be ignoring her.
a couple of months ago, she felt that the Lord was pulling her to move to the east coast. she felt it so strongly, that she put in her 2 weeks notice at Nickelodeon, moved out of her photography studio, moved out of her apartment, and planned to fly out within the month and be an assistant to an artist in conneticut.
but then, just before she was supposed to leave, she found out that what she was going to be doing in CT was not only completely different than she thought, but she wasn't going to be paid for it. moving suddenly became impossible...and now she was homeless, jobless, and without a place to make her artwork.
she was in near despair.
she thought that she was doing what God wanted.
why would He give her a calling, make her follow it, and then yank it out from under her feet??

to make a long story short...not only has she gotten her job back, but she received a totally unexpected promotion, is doing something much more involved, and is for the first time in her life, able to pay her bills. and she is writing her book, taking her pictures...and now just needs a place to live she she can move out of her mom's house. and she isn't worried...she is excited to see where the Lord is going to put her.
and if she hadn't followed His voice...and "failed" none of it would have happened.

it really cements the idea that God is writing a story for us...all we see is the conflict, the suspense, the doubt. there is no way to flip to the end and see how all the loose ends are tied together.

i thought that was cool.
~

mom and dad are in Hawaii for the week, so when i get home this evening i get to have the house to myself...partaay! aaawww yeah!!

last night Radiohead played at the Hollywood Bowl. a few of my friends have already updated their facebook statuses to reflect how ****ing amazing it was...
i will see them again. someday. i will!!!
for now i'll just content myself with Beach House and Pip's lovely music.
i really want to make more music.
i can't wait to start some portraits!

my coffee is almost gone...and i just spilled some on my computer...which i think is my cue to go and make something of myself.
first things first...i'm going to a bookstore to buy Breaking Dawn. don't judge me. you know that deep down you think Britney Spears is catchy.

well. aren't you glad that you sat and read all these ramblings?? don't you feel so much more smarter (grammatical error=on purpose) and aware of the world??
oh good. then my job here is done.


~~~~

the prayer of my heart

i don't know what it is.
but spending 48 hours straight devoting every ounce of your energy in servitude to someone in need--kind of makes things fall into perspective--what is really important? what am i devoting my time to?
as you make somone food
as you wash their body
change their clothes
give them company
lift when you are exhausted
rise when you need to sleep

simply smile

in spite of fatigue...
you feel a longing to be someone like this all the time
to serve
to devote
to sacrifice your self


you want to be someone who was as the Lord was

He has done all this and infinitely more for every single living person
He continues to do it every day

wash us
feed us
lift us
speak to us

it's a trick to think we can't do the same...that we're just not capable.
it's what we are here for.

there is no other satisfaction

~~~

where is the joy

"I once wrote that God always answers us in the deeps, not in the shallows of our prayers. Hasn't it been so with you?
One of the hardest things in our secret prayer life is to accept with joy and not with grief the answers to our deepest prayers. At least I have found it so. It was a long time before I discovered that whatever came was the answer. I had expected something so different that I did not recognize it when it came.
And He doesn't explain. He trusts us not to be offended; that's all."

~Amy Carmichael

i really really love the way Amy Carmichael words her thoughts.

Lord i have not been accepting with joy.
i was at first, before the weight set in, before other matters overwhelmed me...but i admit it has been one of those "impossible" things. despite Your having provided so much...
what does it matter that i feel peaceful when my feelings are stable?
as i wrote before, the peace should come when the ground shakes. literally and figuratively.

oh so much to learn. so far to go...

Jesus would You heal the wounds of my family...and those around us...
would You provide Grace abounding in the coming days and weeks...
let Your joy flow out in spite of suffering...and so be that much more glorious and undeniable...

Psalm 9:1-20~~~thank you Kallista


~~~

seeing what is hidden

you know what?
peace can come at very very strange times. like right now, in the midst of a lot of upheaval...i am feeling a measure of peace i have not felt in...goodness...almost a year...??

the only annoying thing is that because i am so ridiculously emotional and sometimes hopelessly irrational, the peace ebbs in and out...but it is getting better. i know tears are not finished...yet that is just what it is to be colleen.

yesterday i met in bittersweetness with a dear friend. sitting at a Starbucks on the shores of Laguna we danced around the proverbial elephant for nearly 4 hours. "life is still weird" he said, with his head in his hand. at one point i shared with him something Amy Carmichael wrote:

"Our God does satisfy. i think sometimes He has to draw us into strange experiences in order that we shall prove Him to the uttermost, for some purpose out of sight.
For what is He preparing us? It is all hidden, we have only hints in the Gospels and in Revelation. 'His servants shall serve Him'--where? how? But this we do know: never a pang of disappointment or loneliness or pain (there are many kinds of pangs) but may be turned to minister towards a perfecting of power to serve--first here on earth, then Otherwhere."
~Candles in the Dark

Our discussion turned to the goal of God's preparation for our lives, and he asked what we could possibly be prepared for that would be used in heaven...instead of here...
i said in all honesty that i didn't know. we have no idea what is in store for us. the effort it takes to try and forget the representations, both visual and lyrical, that have influenced us concerning our afterlife over the centuries--Baroque churches, El Greco, Dante, even our beloved Clive Staples--makes it nearly impossible to believe in something about which "eye has not seen nor ear has heard".
but it think it is worth the headache.

The wedding is just over 2 weeks away. The house is overflowing with chaos, fellowship, short tempers, laughter, smiles, frustration, exhaustion and love. even in this case, sometimes the "goal" of all this activity can seem hidden, despite how obvious it is. we just sometimes forget to remember it...and instead focus what really will have no importance whatsoever once August 8th is come and gone.

Grandpa Floyd said in his message on Sunday that God often appears weak...He doesn't force us to do anything.
However, Satan does...and so seems to have the upper hand.

God's seeming weakness is our opportunity to allow Him Lordship by our constant submission to His hand. Trusting Him is an active thing. our relationship with Jesus is called a "walk" because it takes movement on our part. i forget that even waiting on God is an active thing...requiring trust and stepping out...


even if it's in blindness...


~~~~~~

Chapter 1

I have been thinking a lot about where i am.
i know, weird.

I graduated yesterday from LCAD. Summa Cum Laude, with art i am proud of, and so many people around me that i have fallen in love with i can hardly even hold it in. i am such a different person than i was 3 years ago...my mind is different, my outlook is different, i wrestled with doubts, fears, sadness, and experienced countless times of faithfulness from the Lord, in spite of myself.

All i can do is thank and praise Him with all my heart. and for the prayers and support of my family, my friends, of you...

i feel like everything leading up to now has been a prologue to my life story, and now it can finally begin...

RAD.


~~~~~~~~~~~~

this is really worth watching, i think. it starts out corny but it nearly brought me to tears. i feel like this where my life is right now, more than it has ever been. i know a lot of you can relate...



please take care, everyone...
love, colleen


~~~~~~~

"The sides rose up high above him like walls..."

I'm at my grandparent's house---no, correction, our new house--- taking care of them today. We just got back from a hair appointment, I've got some muffins in the oven, and they're resting. Which means i have a bit of downtime...as long as my Grandma doesn't need to use the bathroom. Living here is going to be interesting. Sarah and i officially move in this weekend. Hooray!

I finished Perelandra (quite reluctantly, i may add, as i often am when i finish a good book). And have started That Hideous Strength. I remember a couple of years ago when i tried to get into the third book, and for the life of me i couldn't. I'm ecstatic to find that now i'm enjoying it quite thoroughly, much to the pleasure of my dad, who has been eagerly waiting for me to read it, as it is his favorite of the trilogy. After that? Not sure. Either the Sil, or another Lewis work. If you hadn't noticed, i'm having a bit of a love affair with Lewis' writing at this point in time! I could, however, think of worse things.

I'm back! I was just dying my sister's hair. Bright auburn red. It should be just lovely.

I remember when i was talking to a guy i work with. As our conversations usually turn to music, books, &c, he one time mentioned that he had read Mere Christianity. He then, to my surprise, said that he despised it. "Made him sick", to be exact. Me, of course being the tactful, well-spoken person i am, blurted out "What?? Why?!?"
He hated the way Lewis presented the unbeliever, despised how he dared to assume so much about someone who didn't share his beliefs. My astonishment and initial frustation turned almost immediately to pity. Not one of a patronizing kind, mind you. That he could take Lewis' words of concern and personal observation for anything malicious fascinated me. It further stressed to me how fragile is the mind and heart of someone who is stuck between belief in the Lord, and it's counterpart. He felt as if he had been attacked, offended, taken for granted, even.
I told him he should try reading it again.

I'm so grateful to have an assurance. I've been upset, i've been confused, i've been bitter...but i've never lost my belief that the Lord is there. There are too many tangible proofs and manifestations of the work of His hand in my life, and in the lives of those around me, to ever convince me otherwise. And for that I'm so grateful.

"'You must cover my eyes,' he said presently; and the two human forms went out of sight for a moment and returned. Their arms were full of the rose-red lillies. Both bent down and kissed him. He saw the King's hand lifted in blessing and then never saw anything again in that world. They covered his face with the cool petals till he was blinded in a red sweet-smelling cloud."...

~Perelandra