heartaches, broken pieces
ruined lives
are why You died on Calvary
Your touch
is what i long for

You have given life to me

~

state of mind...

today i felt overwhelmed.
which is, in itself, fine. sometimes i strangely like feeling overly busy...it gives me a sense of purpose; "i have things to do! places to go!" i feel so productive! usually that's when i'm dealing with things i know i can take care of with minimal emotional energy exertion. (that's MEEE in textspeak)
needless to say, i'm sure, right now i am not that kind of overwhelmed. i am the sort that makes me feel like i can't move. worries for people, worries about work, doctor visits, bills, endless phone calls to my health insurance (aaagh will SOMEONE please use words i understand?), frustrating mental instability...
the one good thing about this kind? it makes me cling to the Lord.

an excerpt from my journal from monday April 13...

"...In My Utmost for His Highest the last 2 days, the Lord has pricked my soul. Nothing huge or flashy, or yelling in my face, but just a couple of quiet nudges. Yesterday there was one sentence that summed it up for me: 'Any strand of our own energy will blur the life of Jesus'. I don't ever really need a book or a person to tell me this because I feel it every moment of my life, but all the same I do. I needed to be told.

And then this morning the subject was right and wrong burden-bearing, and the folly of not casting our burdens back onto God. '...but if we roll back on God that which He has put on us, He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself.'

My reliance on my own energy is both confusing and exhausting me. And despite my self-doubt, insecurity and weakness I just keep doing it. And so i become tired, angry, awkward, and cannot be of use to anyone."

That's basically where i've been all week, and today was especially difficult as things finally kind of boiled over. Even after what i wrote 4 days ago, i will not stop this reliance on my self, this carrying of burdens i am so loath to let God take back and help me with. Why is it so so very hard? Why don't i trust Him?
i mean, i do trust Him.
i guess i just feel that maybe He's taking too long...
or that i am not hearing Him clearly, if at all...how can i tell?
does He want me to wait, or take these steps forward?
or perhaps i have simply messed things up by my stubbornness and fear and now everything is ruined and i will never know what good He may have had for me if i had just: a. kept quiet and waited, or b. leaped forward in unwavering faith...(depending on the situation...)...
or...or...

~

in a moment of rest i realize i give my self way too much credit. stop. read Numbers 23:19.
i cannot thwart God. He cannot fail me. it is just nonsense.

"He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself"

and suddenly, if even for just a moment, i feel a light and clarity i never would have if this day, if this mind, were happily and effortlessly my own.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Jasmine is blooming everywhere...
and flowering trees...magnolias, lemons, plums, crepe myrtles, oranges, tababoulias...everything smells good.

last week was rough...but God showed me a LOT about Himself throughout it. i learned about how much fear i harbor (i didn't think i could possibly have needed to know more about that), how fragile i am (again...i thought i had that covered), and how much i need my brothers and sisters in Christ to keep me straight and accountable.

yesterday, Sunday, was one of the most beautiful days ( i think) that we've had this year. it rained early in the morning, leaving the skies clear, clean and full of magnificent deep, thick clouds in brilliant contrasts of light and dark. the sun shone most of the day, but a chill breeze blew as well, making scarves and jackets a necessity.
though, for a few hours in the afternoon i refused my sweater... content to let my arms soak in all the different warms, cools and breezes in the air.

after church the whole clan went to lunch at pei wei, including anna, the meyers, even dave came and met us, fresh from SLO.
gwen discovered she loved a tube of lip gloss i had in my purse.

afterward mom wanted to see jeff's house and the work he was doing on it, so while the two of them talked home improvement, i sat on wren's front lawn (as they are next door to each other) and enjoyed the previously lauded weather. i was joined on and off by sarah and alec, and at one point, reid and cam--who enjoyed a bit of tag and wrestling.















i hung out around there most of the afternoon...eventually getting coffee with wren, anna, robin and my mom. then we went and bugged jeff, who had just laid down on his couch for a nap.

in the evening i stuck around with jeff and mom took my car home. we decided to go to Whole Foods to get dinner supplies, deciding we wanted to create a vast array of delectable delights to graze from. we were there for the better part of an hour choosing cheeses, fruit (apples and cantaloupe), prosciutto, salame, olives, bread, crackers, chocolate, tea...and a nice bottle of something that, once empty, could hold a bunch of jasmine. after a long, store-wide search, we were left with 2 obvious choices: a really pretty blue sake bottle, and a rad beer bottle with an owl on it...we decided to go with the sake.
we also went by bed bath & beyond because jeff needed wine glasses. he also bought a new trashcan. he was super excited about it.

once back at his place, we prepared the food and listened to the Sweet Hurt whilst doing so. i spent most of the time wrapping the prosciutto around the melon. wren and cam came by and sampled a few things. cam also spent a good amount of time perfecting his form sliding across jeff's still empty new hardwood floors.

once jeff finished the sake i went outside and shivered as i clipped a bunch of jasmine from his vine. around 9:30 jordan came over with a few more things, we did pushups, and then sat down to enjoy our spectacular array of food while watching james bond.
how do i know it was an awesome evening?

because i forgot to take even ONE single picture.

~~~

proposing truth

There are so many things that are difficult about being a Christian who is serious about God's word, and who Christ has called us to be in this world.
One of these, as anyone can attest, is being persecuted for our faith...being mocked and abused for our silly, "outdated" and "bigoted" beliefs.

Lately there has been another burden on my spirit.
For me there is also the pain of knowing that people around me who i love very dearly, who are not the Lord's, are also, in some cases, are feeling persecuted by us.

Don't worry, i know that this is essentially not true. (except where you do see the crazies on "our side" who act out in hate)
But i guess that one of the many stirring and eye-opening aspects of being close to people who are not saved, is seeing things from their point of view. A fallen one, granted, but it would be the exact way i would look at things if God had not already revealed Himself and His ways to me.

Because, to put it simply, The Lord's ways are not fair.
they are only right.

Why should my moral views make any sense to someone who doesn't believe in absolute truth? or in the sacredness of the Bible?
What does it mean to them what marriage symbolizes, and why it even exists...?

I have a friend who i care for very much who i went to school with. He is a talented artist, a generous person, and a genuinely kind and lovely human being. he has encouraged me and supported me and confided in me. He is also gay--which makes no difference in how much i love him. i don't even think about it. But it does drive an invisible, yet very solid line between us. It is a line that i have not yet had to try and cross, but the way things are going these days...

Yesterday he wrote a "note" on facebook (kind of like a blog post) for everyone he is "friends" with to read. It struck me deeply, and is a big part of what prompted me to think about all this.
Before i go on i'll let you read it for yourself...

Prop 8 Allegory

"What do you think an artist is?" Picasso once responded during an interview. "An imbecile who has only eyes if he's a painter, or ears if he's a musician, or a lyre at every level of his heart if he's a poet, or even if he's a boxer, just his muscles? On the contrary, he's at the same time a political being, constantly alive to heartrending, fiery, or happy events to which he responds in every way."

A friend called the other day and asked what "Yes on Prop 8" meant, and I told her. She said that there were dozens of people, dressed in yellow on Aliso Creek Road holding up signs that read "Restore Marriage" and cheering. Entire families, children absorbing their parents anxieties, learning how to see in black and white, learning that it's dangerous to see all those colors.

"That's what I thought," my friend responded. "That's fucked up." She said that she and another friend of mine were going to throw things at them, have a meeting of the Reptilian minds. I laughed and cried at this. My own feelings on the this perpetual debate have always been fragmented, since I first learned of it at the age of 14 when it was called Prop 22 and I naively assumed that civil liberties was just something that the modern world all kind of agreed upon. I remember being at Moonlight beach, surfing with my best friend during our freshman year of high school when I asked his opinion and he told me that he didn't think they should get married, "because it's gross."

I have felt angry and wanted to throw things myself, when I have seen them standing on the corner there, all the yellow merging into a single form. I wanted to yell in their faces about how wrong they were. My mind was detached and primal, they felt so separate from me, their prejudices so foreign.

I took a rose from my car that had been given to me the night before and that I had not removed from its place on the front seat. My throat felt swollen and dry as I walked up to the yellow beast. It pulsated there in front of me, thinking it was everything that I was not and daring me to prove it otherwise. I searched the moral behemoth and found a woman inside of it, writhing. She was a mother, I saw, with a son of about 9 years old who had prominent ears that he will undoubtedly later pay for.

Maybe it was her that first connected with me, or maybe it was him, or maybe it was his protruding ears that captured my attention and allowed me to pick them out especially from the flood of signs. "As the world becomes more horrible, art becomes more abstract," Paul Klee had said. I went up to the woman and gave her the rose and an accompanying smile. She asked if I would like to join them, and I declined politely and looked again at her son, who could so easily have been me. I gave him a wave before walking away, and I felt like a real artist.

Oh how grateful i am that i can be certain of God's power and authority and perfect judgment...because if i were in this with any doubt, i would crumble.
It would be so easy to say i just didn't care. If i love this guy, why should i stand in the way of his happiness...?

because i don't want him to DIE.

Because if i didn't love him as much as i do i wouldn't care.

All this emotion, all this very real real pain and love and anger and passion he is feeling and expressing is all leading him straight to his death.
This sensitive, dear man who has such really beautiful intentions in what he wants to bring to this world...in spite of his genuineness, his nobility, his earthly wisdom...is wrong. And the enemy is daily covering him in more and more velvety, soft, justifying darkness.

i am not ashamed about what my convictions are. i am not afraid of them and of what people will do to me, because it is not my welfare that matters, it is God's.

but i don't want to lose anyone...

i am completely overwhelmed.


And i ask for all of you to remember that while there are, indeed, millions of people out there full of blind hate and devoid of reason...
There are also those that love and care and believe they are doing what is right and good. All they can see in us is hatred and ignorance...it's the only way they can make sense of or justify it.

Please, please pray with me that Christ can touch the lives of these dear souls and reveal to them what is truly worth fighting for.

~

sometimes God whispers. sometimes He speaks. and sometimes He yells in your ear with a megaphone on EXTREME FULL BLAST

hi.
how are you?

i've been better, but i've also been worse.

yestarday i went for a walk with my aunt Wren and we talked about current events in our respective lives. i was telling her at one point how i'm not asking God to re-do anything, i'm not asking Him to take it away, i just want my heart to change so i can get past the ache. i just want particular things in my life to just end, just finish up already.
i am weary of the ups and downs. i wish i could just be hopelessly depressed until it passes, or that my heart and feelings would just change to i can reach the end of this and move on. to be able to look back, see why it had to happen, and be able to thank the Lord for it. i know i will be there at some point...i know because i have already experienced it...but oh, if only i could be there now...!! to reach the conclusion of all this!

Wren said almost immediately, "The thing is...this is the end."
i was quiet. did i understand what she just said?
"God's purpose is right now," she continued. "The lesson doesn't come later, right now is the goal." she laughed a little ironically; she was speaking to herself as well. "This is where you are supposed to be. Not when it's all over; the goal is right now."
i wept inside of me.
now?
right now?
but right now...sucks...
i realize as i write this that i kind of chose to just not think any longer on what Wren said. it just wasn't pleasant enough. we were almost back to my parent's house. i told her that instead of going to Laguna that evening i would be staying at her place that night...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this morning i woke up with strange dreams still playing in my head. i got ready for the day, grabbed a couple of books, some coffee, and i went and sat in Wren's dining room. one of the books i had in front of me was Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, which i hadn't opened in a while.
Wren came in and said that today she had to go to Archives, among other places. i sighed, "oh, i looove Archives!" i picked up My Utmost and said lightly, "that's where i got this."
Wren glanced at the book and said tiredly, "if you read something good, read it to me," and left the room. i opened to today's date, and began to read. this is what it said:

~~~

AFTER OBEDIENCE - WHAT?
And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side. . . ." Mark 6:45-52 We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end. What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God. God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end. God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.

~~~

"It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God..."

When Wren came back into the room i said to her, "You will laugh when you hear what today's reading had to say." She smiled at me, "really??" I looked down at the page in front of me, "It is exactly what we were talking about yesterday. Seriously...it's hilarious." She sat down across from me and waited for me to read it.
when i finished she was laughing quietly "wow!' she said. "that's...! i had just been thinking about that...!"
"i know"
"I'm going to have to write that down..."
"i know"
she took a pencil.
"i don't even read this every day..." i mused.
she looked around for a blank spot to write on.
i sat in silence.
"What's the date, on that..." she asked, still looking down for a place to write.
"Today. July 28th," i said with a small laugh
"wow," she half-whispered

"i know"
~

i always take it for granted that when God speaks to me it will result in happiness and overwhelming peace and hope. i suppose it should, no matter what. but i admit i am not feeling very hopeful right now. i still have that desire to either be broken, or be through. to stop this darn PROCESS!!
i guess that is what He is trying to work out in me. in which case i had better find some contentment...find some calm in the now...whether i'm in a state of peace or despair...
in a way i always knew this.
a lesson i have already learned...
was i pretending i didn't...?


that's probably why He had to yell at me.

Your whispers, Lord...please now grant me your gentle whispers...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i think it's funny that lately i've been thinking about how God is fascinating. it seems like something i shouldn't even have to say...

a message was given at church a couple of weeks ago that dealt with love, and suffering. it seems like so many things i have been learning lately...are things i already know. but i don't know them like i should. hearing things put into their simplest possible form can tell you more than years of study...

the Essence of Love...
is the desire to be one with another.

i know...duh...but i think this is important...

the Purest form of Love...
is Love that desires to impart itself

love is about the giving up of your own desires. the hardest thing in this life...especially in this age of individuality and self-centeredness.
it's all about what makes ME happy. all that matters is how this situation affects ME. what can I get out of this?
why do you think 50% of marriages don't work out...? God didn't design marriage to make us happy, but to make us whole. to work out what it is to love with every part of you, even the part that says "it's not fair"...and then that is where happiness and joy comes from. it's not easy, but it's beautiful.

Christ didn't let fairness determine his decision to give up His life and His connection to His Father for us. what if he had?
what if he had said, "i don't deserve this, i've done nothing wrong, they dug themselves into this hole they can live in it." and allowed the angels to carry Him away...unharmed...unscathed...

if He could do lower Himself the way He did...how much more can i smile at someone who criticizes me? be patient with someone who offends me? love someone who "doesn't deserve it...?"

i don't know. yadda yadda. i guess i've just been confronted with this a lot...about what love really is to me.

i have a lot more to write but that's all for now...


~~~~~~~~~~

Lord help me...

"The fight to which we have been called is not an easy fight. We are touching the very centre of the devil's power and kingdom, and he hates us intensely and fights hard against us. We have no chance at all of winning in this fight unless we are disciplined soldiers, utterly out-and-out uncompromising, and men and women of prayer.

So first, give much time to quietness. We have to get our help for the most part direct from our God. We are here to help, not to be helped, and we must each one of us learn to walk with God alone and feed on His word so as to be nourished. Don't only read and pray; listen. And don't evade the slightest whisper of guidance that comes. God make you very sensitive, and very obedient.

Fill up the crevices of time with the things that matter most. This will cost something, but it is worth it. 'Seek ye my face. My heart said unto Thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.' No one is of much use who does not truly want to learn what it means to pray and listen and definitely choose the life that is hid with Christ in God.

Keep close, keep close. If you are close, you will be keen. Your heart will be set on the things that abide. You will drink of His spirit and you will thirst for souls even as He thirsts. You will not be attracted by the world that crucified Him, but you will love the people in that world who have never seen His beauty and are losing so much more than they know. You will live to share your joy in Him. Nothing else will count for much.

All this will be, if you walk with Him with a visible Companion, from dawn through all the hours till you go to sleep at night. And your nights may be holy too, every waking moment a loving turning to Him who is watching over you sleep as your Mother [or Father] watched over it when you were a tiny child.

Your dear ones: commit them to Him. It is the Wounded Hands that part you. That was said to me when the stabbing pain of parting was almost too much to bear. It was the thought of their pain that broke me; it may be like that with you. Then take the word that comforted me: it is the wounded hands that part you, one on them, the other on you, and He will not leave them comfortless. It is hard to say goodbyes, like being torn in pieces without chloroform. But it is for His sake; that carries one through."


~Amy Carmichael


Lord help me to remember how to be like You, to draw people in, and even to let people go. Because i find myself loving to strongly it hurts to even be near people, but aching with longing when i'm not with them, whether they love You or not. Indeed, the more people are hurting and confused, the stronger these emotions become in me.

Jesus when i'm quiet i'm often not being so with You. i'm doing anything and everything else that seems more pressing, more fun, more important. But what is more pressing than fulfilling my role in the setting free these precious ones? Your beloved children, my incredible friends, loved ones and sharers of this life trapped in the colorful illusion of a world utterly devoid of joy, promise and salvation...?

Lord God, i'm overwhelmed. Thank You for saints like Amy Carmichael who lived to exemplify what we all should be striving for. What i should be hoping for.

Jesus help me to be willing to pay the cost. Because as much as i want to, i don't know if i can when the pressing comes. But it's not for my sake...it's for Yours. it's for theirs.

Don't let me wander on in twilight any longer...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness
i dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name
On Christ the solid rock i stand all other ground is sinking sand
all other ground is sinking sand

i like that song

~~~~~~~

expect the unexpected

"Our readiness to see what we expect to see causes us to overlook a lot."

I was assigned an essay to read last week about art restoration.

Most people know that i have a habit of writing down things that i hear, whether they speak to me somehow, or just help to remember a hilarious moment, whether they are funny or insightful or beautiful...and that phrase didn’t just speak, it more yelled right into my ear and temporarily deafened me. For about 5 minutes i forgot the context of the article and just sat and thought about how my life lately (rather, that last year or so) has been so defined by my dependency on expectation rather than looking for what has already been prepared for me. The most extreme case, of course, is found in the Bible, where Christ was a stumbling block to the Jews. Because of their expectations, because their sight was so limited, they missed out on the MESSIAH. Of course it wasn't just the Jewish people, everyone is guilty of denying Jesus' divinity. I'm one of the worst, because i'm someone that knows the truth but so often still refuses to accept Him.

Honestly, i think my life would change dramatically if i could just learn to let go of what i think i want and need. I would cry a lot less and worry a lot less and sleep a lot more, which means i could actually wake up and go running in the morning. i just get so panicked that the way things are and the way i feel right now will in many ways never change because i don't know what it is to NOT be the way i am...

i did a drawing of Pip a few weeks ago, and i feel like i re-learn this lesson of "process" every time i do a piece of art. it never EVER looks good for about the first 3/4 of the time. it's out of proportion, bland, flat, and sometimes it looks just plain bad and i can't figure out what to do and i have to put it aside for a few days. But in the end it comes out to look pretty good. Not perfect, or even great. But then i'm not God and i'm not fashioning the life of a human being. i'm just an art student trying to put my friend's likeness on a piece of paper.





I try to take pictures of various stages of my work so every time i start something new i can look back and say "see? that one didn't start out so hot...but you worked through it and got it there." Sometimes it takes a few days...sometimes a few weeks...
In the case of myself, it is a literal lifetime...however long that may be. I'm nearly finished with another portrait drawing which gave me a very hard time...but now i love it. When i get my camera fixed i'll put the pictures up. (yes, my camera's broken...i could just kill myself)

At one point, the essay switches from the object of restoration and the restoration process, to the restorer himself:
“…he does not limit himself to the technically possible; on the contrary, he regards the technically impossible as a personal challenge.”
i don’t know if i would go so far as to say that God is challenged by His work of restoring us…or maybe I would. The point being, how lucky for me that He does not limit Himself…and that consequently we must not think of ourselves as being limited to what we are.
“Nothing is impossible…”
Why do i forget that so easily? Because i am human, i am in the middle of a process of perfection and all i can see is how cracked and discolored and unfinished i am. But restoration will come, the restorer promised it, He refuses to rush it, and the results will be beyond my wildest, pathetic, lofty expectations.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An exhortation...

An exhortation is an encouragement and a warning...and God sends one before He allows a shaking.

Why is it so difficult for me to remember how good the Lord is? I have such a hard time being peaceful...afraid of when i'll be snapped out of it again...but is it really worth perpetual discontent and bitterness just to avoid being shaken (as Dana Congdon put it last night) and thus built up in Christ? i can't hide from Jesus. He has hit me with so much blessing and grace in the last few days, despite how difficult they have been, and i am waiting to see what He still has for me...
i still harbor that cursed fear...and yet i sense a small flame of hope i haven't felt in what seems like a lifetime...dare i be anticipating the days ahead...?
I think i actually am...at least for now...and it feels better than anything i could have ever hoped for.




ps...Italy pictures are coming soon. i've been busy. (:



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's Christmas Eve...

Surely, it is an understatement to say that my mind has been overburdened as of late. I can't even begin to write here what has passed within the last couple of days...the usual combination of mirth and melancholy (more emphasis on the latter)...

And tomorrow is Christmas...a mystery that i haven't even begun to ponder. In My Chariot of Sleep (Pip, Alec, Sarah and I) pulled together a small album of hymns and songs to give as a Christmas gift to family and friends. Pip wrote a song about the incarnation called "Blessed Morn", a seemingly misleading title, for the song is that which i could easily describe as being nothing but dark and sombre. Pip and Alec's voices are hushed in weak, almost mournful whispers. And if it wasn't for the last two lines of the song i would be right.

You came down
to this black pit
you gave us love
we despised it
we cut our throats
you kissed our scars
we took your life
you gave us ours

and i
deserve to die
and i
deserve to die

We made no room
in our hearts of dust
for your love
but you made room for us
thirty-three
years crowned with pain
your body sheiding
us from rain

and i
deserve to die
and i
deserve to die
i
deserve to die
i
deserve to die

O Blessed Morn
Christ Our Savior Born

And with those last two lines i can describe it as thankful and hopeful, with those last two lines it becomes an acknowledgement and a celebration of a life led in complete self-sacrifice. Pip and Alec's voices are not weak, they are humble, meek and grateful. It is dark, it is sombre, but hope accompanies all things with which God has his Way.
And though hope is somehting that is almost too hard for me to hold onto right now, i can't deny its presence even in the deepest and darkest of times.

I've been reading The Robe by Lloyd C Douglas, published in 1942, one of my favorite books. It centers roughly around the crucifixion, and how it affects the lives of the main characters. Yet none of them ever meet Jesus, and his role and death is really almost a subplot in the whole scheme of the story. A young Roman soldier named Marcellus and his slave Demetrius are two of the protagonists. Throughout a series of misfortunes, Marcellus is given the task of nailing Jesus to the cross. He is also the one to win Christ's Robe after casting lots for it. The result of this traumatic experience throws him into accute mental torment and anguish, from which his slave worries there is no means of escape. Except for one thing...

This afternoon i got to read about his freedom from that emotional prison. But i won't say what brought it about...though i'm sure one could venture a guess...
I don't want to explain too much of the story because it is fascinating to read it and allow it to unfold on its own. But it deals a lot with hope, and how the life of Christ, this "lonely man" came to save that of the one who participated in taking it from him.

" 'It is very mysterious, sir.' Demetrius was spacing his words deliberately. 'I had hoped that you might be able to throw a little light on it. May I ask what conclusion you have come to?'
Marcellus sighed and shook his head.
'The more I think about it,' he said slowly, 'the more bewildering it is!' He rose, and moved toward the house.
'Well, sir,' volunteered Demetrius, at his elbow, 'it isn't as if we were required to comprehend it. There are plenty of things that we are not expected to understand. This may be one of them.' "

It is extremely beautiful. And a great comfort to me right now...though i'm afraid at the moment i am in that place of skepticism and wondering how there can be any means of escape from my own heart of darkness...

It's Christmas Eve. I'm tired today. i'm still sick...I slept through the morning and into the afternoon. But i'm also mentally tired. I'm praying desperately for God to free me of some of the emotional burdens that are making me so weary...mostly because i can't share them with anyone...and i see no hope of relief. And it makes it hard to even speak, interact, to function...

Pages before the quote above, Douglas, explaining the extent of Marcellus' decline, writes...
"It was possible, of course, that time might dim the tragic picture that filled his mind. He would pursue a few distracting studies, give his restless hands some entertaining employments, and try to resume command of his thoughts.
But it was hopeless. He had no interest in anything! Since his arrival in Athens--far from experiencing any easing of the painful nervous tension--he had been losing ground. The dread of meeting people and having to talk with them had deepened into a relentless obsession. He was afraid to stir from the house. He even shunned the gardeners.
And now--he had gone to peices. In an utter abandonement of all emotional control, he had made a sorry spectacle of himself in the sight of his loyal slave. Demetrius could hardly be expected to maintain his patience or respect much longer."

I can honestly say that every word describing his state could be written about me, except replacing Demetrius with my family. I think my family is very frustrated with me. And i don't blame them.
I fear my outbursts and what they may do to people around me. So it's just easier to be "unsociable and taciturn" (as Miss Bennett would have put it).

I have been spending hours and hours writing lately, trying to make sense of my thoughts...this here is but a glance, it seems, to me!
I have written most of this with a headache and while feeling distracted and only partially coherent...so forgive me if it is disjointed and depressing. I'll probably come back to it later and wish i had never written most of it...but oh well.

Lots of family coming over tomorrow...i'm not sure how to feel about that yet...

As soon as we get some of the songs up online i'll say so. They are really wonderful. Alec did a version of "Come Thou Fount" that is amazing. Pip's cover of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" is haunting. Look forward to it!


It's Christmas Eve...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~