"The only God who seems to me worth believing in is impossible for mortal men to understand, and therefore He teaches us through this impossible.
But we rebel against the impossible. I sense a wish in some professional religion-mongers to make God possible, to make Him comprehensible to the naked intellect, domesticate Him so that He's easy to believe in. Every century the Church makes a fresh attempt to make Christianity acceptable. But acceptable Christianity is not Christian; a comprehensible God is no more than an idol.
I don't want that kind of God."

~Madeleine L'Engle
The Irrational Season

isaiah 55

i'm really starting to feel... and i mean really starting, like never really experienced it before...to feel the conviction and massiveness of what it means to let the Lord do what He desires in my life, and not letting myself get in the way. in everything. work, lodging, relationships, activities...i just want what He wants. this doesn't mean i get it...i don't get it at all! i just know there is something to get. it's not about me--and i don't want to obsess over my failings and fears of failings anymore.

visiting

On thursday of last week i had the wonderful privilege of visiting Elizabeth, the author of this stellar blog. i'm hopefully going to do some portraits of her children for her...all 5 of them...which i am so excited about! but spending time chatting with her and playing with her twins was definitely the best part.


pumpkin bread! (i got to take some with me)




Jorai and Jasiel get some bread too




The Lord has done some very interesting things in my life through this blog since i created it years ago. this was hands down the most lovely and rewarding experience so far. i'm so thankful :)

in other news...things are just plain craziness. what are you doing God? i have no idea. the pain and beauty of relationships, trying to find work, having no money, the fact that i'll be 26 on wednesday...just beyond my capacity to handle. completely.
good thing i'm not in charge of all this stuff going on...both in my own personal life and for those around me. the last week was so strange...satisfying and good in a lot of ways; in others just baffling. but that doesn't matter. things are working out, and that's all i've asked for.
i'm being taken care of.
Sarah, Alec and i visited Pip's church today and it blessed me greatly. so much more than i expected.

in fact, i think that can be the theme of this last week: "More Than I Expected" whether something was bitter or sweet...it was an abundance.
hm.
lots to think about. i'm tired.

i can't wait to start drawing!

~

Lord, sometimes....sometimes a day will be so bizarre, so surprising, and so terribly unpleasant i just have to laugh about it because it could only have come from You.
well...i'm not laughing quite yet...i still kind of feel run over by a truck.
but i'll get there eventually.


~

morning coffee

hello there. it is a cool overcast morning in Laguna Niguel, and i'm drinking coffee...my new addiction. when i started hanging out with my friends last fall, they all went out for coffee all the time, and though i wasn't much of a fan, i went along. within a couple of weeks i remember thinking "hmm, this stuff isn't so bad" and i would order a small one. little did i know that by the next summer i would get major headaches and not be able to fully open my eyes without it!! oh cursed caffeine dependency...
anyway, i just left Dee's this morning. i'll take care of her nest week too, i'm pretty sure. my friend Katie Schmid came to take my place around 8am, so i got to talk to her for a little while. and that was wonderful. she is going to Italy in october and i am exceedingly jealous...

i'm kind of low lately. which i hate because i so badly want to be happy...the Lord is doing so much. but with specific situations just continuing to cause emotional pain and these stupid stupid dreams i keep having...i just can't let things go. last night i prayed that i could just let Jesus have these burdens...these thorns...and that (and 2 tylenol pm) helped me fall asleep a little bit better. i don't remember what i dreamed...yet...

i'm hoping to see my friend Drea today, who is dealing with some major struggles herself. i hope she will somehow come to see who God really is in her life through what she is dealing with. that He's not just some distant, apathetic spirit in the sky that doesn't care what you do with yourself as long as you are a "good person"...

i was also invited to an afternoon gathering at a nude beach. we'll see about that :P

~

i think that one of the most important things i have learned in the last month or so is that it is okay in life to fail at something...as long as it was something you were called by the Lord to do. i think of Amaris and the desperate situation she has been in for the last year...all the saturday morning women's prayer meetings where she would come and ask that somehow the Lord would tell her what to do with herself, so that she could make a living, pay her bills, just get by...
and week after week, month after month, nothing would happen. she wasn't making enough money at her job, she was feeling unfulfilled, and God seemed to be ignoring her.
a couple of months ago, she felt that the Lord was pulling her to move to the east coast. she felt it so strongly, that she put in her 2 weeks notice at Nickelodeon, moved out of her photography studio, moved out of her apartment, and planned to fly out within the month and be an assistant to an artist in conneticut.
but then, just before she was supposed to leave, she found out that what she was going to be doing in CT was not only completely different than she thought, but she wasn't going to be paid for it. moving suddenly became impossible...and now she was homeless, jobless, and without a place to make her artwork.
she was in near despair.
she thought that she was doing what God wanted.
why would He give her a calling, make her follow it, and then yank it out from under her feet??

to make a long story short...not only has she gotten her job back, but she received a totally unexpected promotion, is doing something much more involved, and is for the first time in her life, able to pay her bills. and she is writing her book, taking her pictures...and now just needs a place to live she she can move out of her mom's house. and she isn't worried...she is excited to see where the Lord is going to put her.
and if she hadn't followed His voice...and "failed" none of it would have happened.

it really cements the idea that God is writing a story for us...all we see is the conflict, the suspense, the doubt. there is no way to flip to the end and see how all the loose ends are tied together.

i thought that was cool.
~

mom and dad are in Hawaii for the week, so when i get home this evening i get to have the house to myself...partaay! aaawww yeah!!

last night Radiohead played at the Hollywood Bowl. a few of my friends have already updated their facebook statuses to reflect how ****ing amazing it was...
i will see them again. someday. i will!!!
for now i'll just content myself with Beach House and Pip's lovely music.
i really want to make more music.
i can't wait to start some portraits!

my coffee is almost gone...and i just spilled some on my computer...which i think is my cue to go and make something of myself.
first things first...i'm going to a bookstore to buy Breaking Dawn. don't judge me. you know that deep down you think Britney Spears is catchy.

well. aren't you glad that you sat and read all these ramblings?? don't you feel so much more smarter (grammatical error=on purpose) and aware of the world??
oh good. then my job here is done.


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where is the joy

"I once wrote that God always answers us in the deeps, not in the shallows of our prayers. Hasn't it been so with you?
One of the hardest things in our secret prayer life is to accept with joy and not with grief the answers to our deepest prayers. At least I have found it so. It was a long time before I discovered that whatever came was the answer. I had expected something so different that I did not recognize it when it came.
And He doesn't explain. He trusts us not to be offended; that's all."

~Amy Carmichael

i really really love the way Amy Carmichael words her thoughts.

Lord i have not been accepting with joy.
i was at first, before the weight set in, before other matters overwhelmed me...but i admit it has been one of those "impossible" things. despite Your having provided so much...
what does it matter that i feel peaceful when my feelings are stable?
as i wrote before, the peace should come when the ground shakes. literally and figuratively.

oh so much to learn. so far to go...

Jesus would You heal the wounds of my family...and those around us...
would You provide Grace abounding in the coming days and weeks...
let Your joy flow out in spite of suffering...and so be that much more glorious and undeniable...

Psalm 9:1-20~~~thank you Kallista


~~~

seeing what is hidden

you know what?
peace can come at very very strange times. like right now, in the midst of a lot of upheaval...i am feeling a measure of peace i have not felt in...goodness...almost a year...??

the only annoying thing is that because i am so ridiculously emotional and sometimes hopelessly irrational, the peace ebbs in and out...but it is getting better. i know tears are not finished...yet that is just what it is to be colleen.

yesterday i met in bittersweetness with a dear friend. sitting at a Starbucks on the shores of Laguna we danced around the proverbial elephant for nearly 4 hours. "life is still weird" he said, with his head in his hand. at one point i shared with him something Amy Carmichael wrote:

"Our God does satisfy. i think sometimes He has to draw us into strange experiences in order that we shall prove Him to the uttermost, for some purpose out of sight.
For what is He preparing us? It is all hidden, we have only hints in the Gospels and in Revelation. 'His servants shall serve Him'--where? how? But this we do know: never a pang of disappointment or loneliness or pain (there are many kinds of pangs) but may be turned to minister towards a perfecting of power to serve--first here on earth, then Otherwhere."
~Candles in the Dark

Our discussion turned to the goal of God's preparation for our lives, and he asked what we could possibly be prepared for that would be used in heaven...instead of here...
i said in all honesty that i didn't know. we have no idea what is in store for us. the effort it takes to try and forget the representations, both visual and lyrical, that have influenced us concerning our afterlife over the centuries--Baroque churches, El Greco, Dante, even our beloved Clive Staples--makes it nearly impossible to believe in something about which "eye has not seen nor ear has heard".
but it think it is worth the headache.

The wedding is just over 2 weeks away. The house is overflowing with chaos, fellowship, short tempers, laughter, smiles, frustration, exhaustion and love. even in this case, sometimes the "goal" of all this activity can seem hidden, despite how obvious it is. we just sometimes forget to remember it...and instead focus what really will have no importance whatsoever once August 8th is come and gone.

Grandpa Floyd said in his message on Sunday that God often appears weak...He doesn't force us to do anything.
However, Satan does...and so seems to have the upper hand.

God's seeming weakness is our opportunity to allow Him Lordship by our constant submission to His hand. Trusting Him is an active thing. our relationship with Jesus is called a "walk" because it takes movement on our part. i forget that even waiting on God is an active thing...requiring trust and stepping out...


even if it's in blindness...


~~~~~~

At times, i want nothing more than to tackle everything in front of me...to seize opportunity, to overcome listlessness, to prove that my God is sufficient. Usually those days begin with an early rise, a good run, some hours of productivity, quality time with a close friend, a conversation about the Lord, a joyous dinner with my family, feeling like God used me that day.

But what about days where you wake up restless, hot, uncomfortable. I sit frozen in front of my artwork, when i speak i begin to cry, when i try to pray i am overwhelmed with anxiety, and all the while trying to be strong for the people around me who i have come to love so much it hurts. And then everything hurts, my heart, my head, my stomach...i can't eat, sleep, read...a friend calls me, and confides his struggles and i break down...then i feel guilty and pathetic because i want to be there for him, not burden him with my own worries.
I call my mother in desperation. She talks to me and somehow, despite my self, something gets through my muddled head.

The funny thing is, is that what she says to me is pretty much what i had been saying to my friend not 20 minutes before. To let things go, to pray instead of worry, to stop taking on responsibilities that are God's...not mine!

I'm lonely and scared, i said. she told me to try and realize that where i am right now is, for whatever reason, exactly where God wants me. Maybe right now He wants me to be alone, because He is tired of sharing me. Maybe i'm not supposed to run off and forget that i am in need. Maybe i am supposed to feel weak.

Phil spoke a really amazing message on Sunday about how the Lord allows us to come into captivity, to utter helplessness, so we can only rely on Him. Today i read the very familiar verse on 2 Corinthians...

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'"

The greatest material in God's hands is not my strength, it's my weakness.

...right now i'm just praying i can even begin to understand it. It certainly "makes sense"...but i keep trying to take back control. I keep running to rescue people. In spite of the fact that i feel pitifully weak and unable to do anything for anyone, i try to do it anyway...because i just can't bring myself to fully trust in the promises of my Heavenly Father.

I told my friend that his job is to pursue the Lord, to make known his needs to Him, and to wait, even though his situation is becoming more and more unbearable.

And i can't even do it myself!
i guess i keep waiting for the day when it will just "click" and it won't be so hard anymore. but i'm seeing that that is the opposite attitude i need to have.

"...I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

i admit, i have absolutely no idea how to do this.
but i think, in light of this scripture, that is a really good thing. because it's not about what i can do...or cannot do. it's not up to me to "prove my God"...He can do that Himself.

i am seeing people all around me realizing their lack of control over their lives. my sister, Laurel and Chad, Edan, my friend Drea, Bettina, Joey and Ginger...i would go on but i think i would just end up listing every single person i know. :P

aaand i am at the point where i am simply starting to ramble...where my writing has lost it's remnant of structure and randomness takes over. so i'll finish and just ask humbly for your prayers and assure you that you are in mine.

love, colleen


~~~

la premiere framboise de l'ete

randomness from the last week or so...


my friend Tonya's good-bye party at the Yard House...she went back to Russia on Friday...


saturday..."practicing" for Pip's show...

i haven't taken cloud pictures in a while...

aaand Pip's show. at the El Cid last night...





it's starting to be warm and lovely
the first raspberry of summer...





feet. and my favorite shoes.


Alec and Sarah got home from Texas today...


we ate and shopped at this crazy place in Glendale where they have a trolley, and a big fancy fountain, and just about every kind of shop and venue you can imagine. i didn't even know it existed before today...

at 16:00 there was a water show that was choreographed to Louis Armstrong's "it's a wonderful world".

a few feet away from me a little girl was standing with her dad, was enthralled by the spurting, swirling jets of water. she remained in rapt attention through the whole song, a smile on her glowing little face, the afternoon breeze picking up strands of her hair in a halo around her head...


it made me really happy.

weird thing:
i can't find my ipod, so yesterday i was rifling through the cds in my car and found a blank disk in an unlabeled case. i remembered that one of my friends gave me a mix cd a few weeks ago! so i popped it in...and it is beyond fantastic. problem is, i can't remember who gave it to me. so i'm very frustrated.
"wow colleen!" you're saying..."if that was the pique of my frustrations, i would be so happy!"
and to that, i reply, "well, you're right. unfortunately, it is not the foremost frustration in my life. i have just decided to focus in it instead of, for example...my anxiety about getting a job...and the fact that my knees don't work anymore..."

ok. all jesting aside, the Lord has been really good this week, in the midst of frustration. so i just want to thank Him for that.

oh if only i could just draw people for the rest of my life. sigh.

we'll see...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this is really worth watching, i think. it starts out corny but it nearly brought me to tears. i feel like this where my life is right now, more than it has ever been. i know a lot of you can relate...



please take care, everyone...
love, colleen


~~~~~~~

i sat for a really long time but couldn't think of a title

so so very sleepy.
i don't really have time to post right now, but i'll get backed up and everything if i don't. last sunday Bettina came out and visited. we got dinner, went to a krispy kreme drive-thru and then went to the beach to enjoy them...


Christian, Danny and Robin taking a break from painting...

the last time i posted, i wrote about going to hang out with Phill, Red and Tiffany. we watched Zatoichi the Blind Swordman and Amadeus...




So, Bettina is graduating from nursing school this summer and is applying to hospitals for work. Friday, she and i got breakfast and coffee, and then visited my aunt Alice who works at Hoag hospital. we dressed up all in scrubs (which was only fun for me, really) and got to see some amazing things. we witnessed a couple of surgeries, got to see the pathology workers and touch weird stuff, and then Alice took us to dinner with a friend. Afterward Bettina and i went to hang out with some of my amazing friends from school.















in my studio sending a picture message...

Today i barely made it to church...but i'm glad i veered right onto the 605 at the last second...because i really needed to hear the message. i really needed to hear it.
my lovely family...and lovely pregnant Ginger and Anna...and, um, whatever Alec is doing...

as usual, Caid was a little too cute for my mental health...





Puppies are growing...








aren't they beautiful?

i think it's safe to say i hit a serious physical, emotional and spiritual wall this weekend. i have felt under vicious attack in every aspect of my life...dealing with a lot of confusion, guilt, heartache and self-condemnation.
someone at church today told me that they felt a burden for me this week and had been praying for me. it meant so much...
right this moment my body and spirit feel such weariness...i don't really know how to survive the next three weeks...

i wrote this in my moleskine 5 days ago...

Lord God...
I know You won't grow weary
of me asking the same
things every day...but i will.
So please give me patience to press on...
Lord i know that You won't
give up on Your children...but
i will. So please give me Your
love and endurance.

Today i feel Bitterness and fatigue.
How do i find Your overflowing joy & peace?

Search me and teach me, today, oh Lord.
i pray Thee...

i will be saying that every day for a long time.

"...but He giveth more grace..."

at least there's that...there's always that...
oh sigh



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