hello there. it is a cool overcast morning in Laguna Niguel, and i'm drinking coffee...my new addiction. when i started hanging out with my friends last fall, they all went out for coffee all the time, and though i wasn't much of a fan, i went along. within a couple of weeks i remember thinking "hmm, this stuff isn't so bad" and i would order a small one. little did i know that by the next summer i would get major headaches and not be able to fully open my eyes without it!! oh cursed caffeine dependency...
anyway, i just left Dee's this morning. i'll take care of her nest week too, i'm pretty sure. my friend Katie Schmid came to take my place around 8am, so i got to talk to her for a little while. and that was wonderful. she is going to Italy in october and i am exceedingly jealous...
i'm kind of low lately. which i hate because i so badly want to be happy...the Lord is doing so much. but with specific situations just continuing to cause emotional pain and these stupid stupid dreams i keep having...i just can't let things go. last night i prayed that i could just let Jesus have these burdens...these thorns...and that (and 2 tylenol pm) helped me fall asleep a little bit better. i don't remember what i dreamed...yet...
i'm hoping to see my friend Drea today, who is dealing with some major struggles herself. i hope she will somehow come to see who God really is in her life through what she is dealing with. that He's not just some distant, apathetic spirit in the sky that doesn't care what you do with yourself as long as you are a "good person"...
i was also invited to an afternoon gathering at a nude beach. we'll see about that :P
~
i think that one of the most important things i have learned in the last month or so is that it is okay in life to fail at something...as long as it was something you were called by the Lord to do. i think of Amaris and the desperate situation she has been in for the last year...all the saturday morning women's prayer meetings where she would come and ask that somehow the Lord would tell her what to do with herself, so that she could make a living, pay her bills, just get by...
and week after week, month after month, nothing would happen. she wasn't making enough money at her job, she was feeling unfulfilled, and God seemed to be ignoring her.
a couple of months ago, she felt that the Lord was pulling her to move to the east coast. she felt it so strongly, that she put in her 2 weeks notice at Nickelodeon, moved out of her photography studio, moved out of her apartment, and planned to fly out within the month and be an assistant to an artist in conneticut.
but then, just before she was supposed to leave, she found out that what she was going to be doing in CT was not only completely different than she thought, but she wasn't going to be paid for it. moving suddenly became impossible...and now she was homeless, jobless, and without a place to make her artwork.
she was in near despair.
she thought that she was doing what God wanted.
why would He give her a calling, make her follow it, and then yank it out from under her feet??
to make a long story short...not only has she gotten her job back, but she received a totally unexpected promotion, is doing something much more involved, and is for the first time in her life, able to pay her bills. and she is writing her book, taking her pictures...and now just needs a place to live she she can move out of her mom's house. and she isn't worried...she is excited to see where the Lord is going to put her.
and if she hadn't followed His voice...and "failed" none of it would have happened.
it really cements the idea that God is writing a story for us...all we see is the conflict, the suspense, the doubt. there is no way to flip to the end and see how all the loose ends are tied together.
i thought that was cool.
~
mom and dad are in Hawaii for the week, so when i get home this evening i get to have the house to myself...partaay! aaawww yeah!!
last night Radiohead played at the Hollywood Bowl. a few of my friends have already updated their facebook statuses to reflect how ****ing amazing it was...
i will see them again. someday. i will!!!
for now i'll just content myself with Beach House and Pip's lovely music.
i really want to make more music.
i can't wait to start some portraits!
my coffee is almost gone...and i just spilled some on my computer...which i think is my cue to go and make something of myself.
first things first...i'm going to a bookstore to buy Breaking Dawn. don't judge me. you know that deep down you think Britney Spears is catchy.
well. aren't you glad that you sat and read all these ramblings?? don't you feel so much more smarter (grammatical error=on purpose) and aware of the world??
oh good. then my job here is done.
~~~~
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 26
Monday, July 28
sometimes God whispers. sometimes He speaks. and sometimes He yells in your ear with a megaphone on EXTREME FULL BLAST
hi.
how are you?
i've been better, but i've also been worse.
yestarday i went for a walk with my aunt Wren and we talked about current events in our respective lives. i was telling her at one point how i'm not asking God to re-do anything, i'm not asking Him to take it away, i just want my heart to change so i can get past the ache. i just want particular things in my life to just end, just finish up already.
i am weary of the ups and downs. i wish i could just be hopelessly depressed until it passes, or that my heart and feelings would just change to i can reach the end of this and move on. to be able to look back, see why it had to happen, and be able to thank the Lord for it. i know i will be there at some point...i know because i have already experienced it...but oh, if only i could be there now...!! to reach the conclusion of all this!
Wren said almost immediately, "The thing is...this is the end."
i was quiet. did i understand what she just said?
"God's purpose is right now," she continued. "The lesson doesn't come later, right now is the goal." she laughed a little ironically; she was speaking to herself as well. "This is where you are supposed to be. Not when it's all over; the goal is right now."
i wept inside of me.
now?
right now?
but right now...sucks...
i realize as i write this that i kind of chose to just not think any longer on what Wren said. it just wasn't pleasant enough. we were almost back to my parent's house. i told her that instead of going to Laguna that evening i would be staying at her place that night...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this morning i woke up with strange dreams still playing in my head. i got ready for the day, grabbed a couple of books, some coffee, and i went and sat in Wren's dining room. one of the books i had in front of me was Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, which i hadn't opened in a while.
Wren came in and said that today she had to go to Archives, among other places. i sighed, "oh, i looove Archives!" i picked up My Utmost and said lightly, "that's where i got this."
Wren glanced at the book and said tiredly, "if you read something good, read it to me," and left the room. i opened to today's date, and began to read. this is what it said:
~~~
~~~
"It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God..."
When Wren came back into the room i said to her, "You will laugh when you hear what today's reading had to say." She smiled at me, "really??" I looked down at the page in front of me, "It is exactly what we were talking about yesterday. Seriously...it's hilarious." She sat down across from me and waited for me to read it.
when i finished she was laughing quietly "wow!' she said. "that's...! i had just been thinking about that...!"
"i know"
"I'm going to have to write that down..."
"i know"
she took a pencil.
"i don't even read this every day..." i mused.
she looked around for a blank spot to write on.
i sat in silence.
"What's the date, on that..." she asked, still looking down for a place to write.
"Today. July 28th," i said with a small laugh
"wow," she half-whispered
"i know"
~
i always take it for granted that when God speaks to me it will result in happiness and overwhelming peace and hope. i suppose it should, no matter what. but i admit i am not feeling very hopeful right now. i still have that desire to either be broken, or be through. to stop this darn PROCESS!!
i guess that is what He is trying to work out in me. in which case i had better find some contentment...find some calm in the now...whether i'm in a state of peace or despair...
in a way i always knew this.
a lesson i have already learned...
was i pretending i didn't...?
that's probably why He had to yell at me.
Your whispers, Lord...please now grant me your gentle whispers...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
how are you?
i've been better, but i've also been worse.
yestarday i went for a walk with my aunt Wren and we talked about current events in our respective lives. i was telling her at one point how i'm not asking God to re-do anything, i'm not asking Him to take it away, i just want my heart to change so i can get past the ache. i just want particular things in my life to just end, just finish up already.
i am weary of the ups and downs. i wish i could just be hopelessly depressed until it passes, or that my heart and feelings would just change to i can reach the end of this and move on. to be able to look back, see why it had to happen, and be able to thank the Lord for it. i know i will be there at some point...i know because i have already experienced it...but oh, if only i could be there now...!! to reach the conclusion of all this!
Wren said almost immediately, "The thing is...this is the end."
i was quiet. did i understand what she just said?
"God's purpose is right now," she continued. "The lesson doesn't come later, right now is the goal." she laughed a little ironically; she was speaking to herself as well. "This is where you are supposed to be. Not when it's all over; the goal is right now."
i wept inside of me.
now?
right now?
but right now...sucks...
i realize as i write this that i kind of chose to just not think any longer on what Wren said. it just wasn't pleasant enough. we were almost back to my parent's house. i told her that instead of going to Laguna that evening i would be staying at her place that night...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this morning i woke up with strange dreams still playing in my head. i got ready for the day, grabbed a couple of books, some coffee, and i went and sat in Wren's dining room. one of the books i had in front of me was Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, which i hadn't opened in a while.
Wren came in and said that today she had to go to Archives, among other places. i sighed, "oh, i looove Archives!" i picked up My Utmost and said lightly, "that's where i got this."
Wren glanced at the book and said tiredly, "if you read something good, read it to me," and left the room. i opened to today's date, and began to read. this is what it said:
~~~
And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side. . . ." Mark 6:45-52 We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end. What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God. God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end. God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious. | ||
~~~
"It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God..."
When Wren came back into the room i said to her, "You will laugh when you hear what today's reading had to say." She smiled at me, "really??" I looked down at the page in front of me, "It is exactly what we were talking about yesterday. Seriously...it's hilarious." She sat down across from me and waited for me to read it.
when i finished she was laughing quietly "wow!' she said. "that's...! i had just been thinking about that...!"
"i know"
"I'm going to have to write that down..."
"i know"
she took a pencil.
"i don't even read this every day..." i mused.
she looked around for a blank spot to write on.
i sat in silence.
"What's the date, on that..." she asked, still looking down for a place to write.
"Today. July 28th," i said with a small laugh
"wow," she half-whispered
"i know"
~
i always take it for granted that when God speaks to me it will result in happiness and overwhelming peace and hope. i suppose it should, no matter what. but i admit i am not feeling very hopeful right now. i still have that desire to either be broken, or be through. to stop this darn PROCESS!!
i guess that is what He is trying to work out in me. in which case i had better find some contentment...find some calm in the now...whether i'm in a state of peace or despair...
in a way i always knew this.
a lesson i have already learned...
was i pretending i didn't...?
that's probably why He had to yell at me.
Your whispers, Lord...please now grant me your gentle whispers...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday, February 24
wow i'm really tired right now.
Saturday i "helped" Pip pack up his room (he's moving). we listened to lots of music and watched lots of youtube.
Sarah and Alec are in Texas, mom is sick, and today i had Chinese food in a B-rated restaurant with GP Floyd, dad, Jeff (who wore his new J Crew tie), and Melanie and Ed and their kids. i got some good quotes.
i drove to Laguna, where i am now, and i've done about a half-hour's worth of work on my painting but i think i'm spent. i was going to do homework...but i think i'll just drive home (Orange) instead.
i always wish i could hang out with people down here more but i'm too afraid to call them. even my closest friends. i'm getting a lot better, though! i am!
i've been having dreams about Grandma and Grandpa, that they are alive and living with us again and i am taking care of them just like i always did. i wake up feeling like i haven't slept, and feeling very bittersweet.
i'm debating whether or not to type up a very strange and unsettling dream i had 2 nights ago. it's pretty intense...
for the first time this semester i'm kind of dreading the coming week of school...not for the old reasons (social anxieties) but because i'm just feeling burnt out. physically and emotionally. i feel like i'm placing my hopes on too many unstable surfaces, relying on shaky support.
i need to rely on Jesus completely.
why can't i...?
~~~~~~~
Saturday i "helped" Pip pack up his room (he's moving). we listened to lots of music and watched lots of youtube.
Sarah and Alec are in Texas, mom is sick, and today i had Chinese food in a B-rated restaurant with GP Floyd, dad, Jeff (who wore his new J Crew tie), and Melanie and Ed and their kids. i got some good quotes.
i drove to Laguna, where i am now, and i've done about a half-hour's worth of work on my painting but i think i'm spent. i was going to do homework...but i think i'll just drive home (Orange) instead.
i always wish i could hang out with people down here more but i'm too afraid to call them. even my closest friends. i'm getting a lot better, though! i am!
i've been having dreams about Grandma and Grandpa, that they are alive and living with us again and i am taking care of them just like i always did. i wake up feeling like i haven't slept, and feeling very bittersweet.
i'm debating whether or not to type up a very strange and unsettling dream i had 2 nights ago. it's pretty intense...
for the first time this semester i'm kind of dreading the coming week of school...not for the old reasons (social anxieties) but because i'm just feeling burnt out. physically and emotionally. i feel like i'm placing my hopes on too many unstable surfaces, relying on shaky support.
i need to rely on Jesus completely.
why can't i...?
~~~~~~~
Saturday, January 26
"A double yoke"
I was up late last night in restlessness. This morning i woke up early instantly and could not get back to sleep no matter how long i laid in bed. Why couldn't i have done that the other 5 days i had to be up for school?? The air was cold. my jaw hurt. Before i even crawled from under the covers i was anxiety-ridden. Almost without thinking, i reached over to my bedside table and read this from Candles in the Dark by A. Carmichael and it pricked me. this could be written for me...but it could also be written by me, for so many i am praying for. you all know who you are.
"I am thinking so much of you. My prayer for you is that the peace of God may enter into your heart so that you will spread peace all round.
The only way I know that leads to this is the way of Matthew 11:29. Verse 28 has a word for you, too, but verse 29 is all for you. You have borne a yoke--sometimes a heavy yoke--but His yoke is easy and his burden is light, because we do not bear it alone. It is a double yoke. We are fellow-workers with Him in a new sense, when we give up making our own yoke and take His. It is a definite transaction between Him and our souls. "Take." He won't put it on us; He asks us to take. Then when we do, it is His yoke, not ours, thereafter."
Father it is so simple yet so impossible. You should force it on me...then i might get something done. ha ha...just kidding...
i'm in a starbucks in Orange and Allison Krauss just came on the speakers.
The rain has been amazing, the air is so cold, the sun is so clear, the light is so clean, the sky so deep and cloudy and blue...as i crested the hill to get coffee this morning my breath was taken away and i was almost too entranced to reach for my camera as i drove...
my week has been bittersweet... the rain and seeing awesome people was lovely. but i don't know what to do with my heart right now and i am cursing my inability to let the Lord take control of me and my desires. my insecurity has steered me this week...not my yoke with the Lord. and i am paying the price with headaches and little sleep...among other things.
yesterday i had a good long conversation with my friend Nick, and i was reminded of how faithful God is to let us know we are loved. i was also reminded of how much i'm going to miss LCAD when i graduate in May...but i can't think about that right now...!
oh i worry so much...about people i love, about my effect on people...about how i wish i could be stronger for people...and it's that worry that often causes me to pull myself away...because would almost rather never get close to them that to risk disappointing them...because i'm always afraid of disappointing people...because i'm always disappointing myself...
man, Satan's a jerk.
Yet despite all of this, The Lord has been faithful. He has pulled me out of so much, given me so much joy, pleasure and ability when i thought there was nothing left to strive for. One would think that would make me more able to trust him now, but no. because i'm a jerk, too.
so what of tonight...tomorrow...
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) has hovered in front of my eyes for weeks now, when i remember it, and that's what i need to do.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
oh sigh
it is so beautiful outside. i think i'll draw today. clean my apartment. then this evening is the closing reception for an exhibit i'm in at school.
but first i'll finish my coffee and ask for God to bless you, because i love you.
you know who you are.
~~~~~~~~~
Friday, December 28
i think...i think...that God has freed me of some things. how this has happened i won't yet say...i've been writing a lot...reading some amazing things...seeing a pattern...now don't get too excited, colleen. there's a lot that's going to happen soon that will either prove this or dismantle it. i know i still have so much damn fear in me...so much that i almost can't type this because of how much i'm afraid that it's not really true...
but i can't help being a little excited...and terribly scared...but still there's that little bit of excited. it helps.
can't i just trust You...?
Dear Lord.
~
Sunday, April 8
Yes, yes. bunnies are cute. But that's not the point.
Happy Easter...! My favorite holiday...Today also would have been my grandma's 90th birthday...before she died we were all excited that she would be celebrating it on Easter. I think her celebration today is going to be cooler than ours.
Eat lots of chocolate and pork loin.
that's my plan. Easter egg hunts are cool, too. Pretty weird, but cool. Caid will have one this year, so that should be amazing.
Jesus is alive...
alive...
Father may that i have enough peace to understand it...
if even for a moment...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday, March 18
lessons
i've never been so scared.i am just one in the midst of so many around me who don't know what God is doing in my life. And i don't take for granted the privilege of waiting on the Lord...despite how much i give Him grief for it. Waiting hurts. Sometimes it hurts a lot more than other times. i found out some...interesting things about myself today. One always expects that gaining clarity means gaining relief...i also found out today that sometimes the opposite happens.
i know He's doing something but i feel i'm searching my way through with closed eyes...listening and waiting with desperation. What will come of this, Lord? What could possibly come of this?
And what do i do until then?
"Look, I go forward,
but He is not there.
And backward,
but I cannot percieve Him;
When He works on the left
hand, I cannot behold Him.
When He turns to the right
hand, I cannot see Him.
But He knows the way that I
take;
When He has tested me,
I shall come forth as gold.
My foot has held fast to His
steps;
I have kept His way
and not turned aside.
I have not departed from the
commandment of His lips;
I have treasured the words
of His mouth
More than my necessary food..."
~Job 23:8-12...NKJV
I don't dare suggest that i am as steadfast and faithful as Job was as he wrote this...but it is a beautiful passage...and strangely comforting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday, November 11
Sometimes it's good to feel small...
So, last night was Gorgeous Genius playing an acoustic Kid A set. I thought they did a fantastic job. I hope they do it again so Jeffbishop can come and see.
Here are some pictures from their performance...
Joey singing, Jeff strumming, and James. James plays the violin like a champ. On the drums is Eddie, but you can't see him. He's really good, though.
This may have been during "How to Disappear Completely"...
too bad no one got a picture of me playing the kazoo...
Apres le show...
don't ask.
mighty.
scary coolness.
It's 11:30. Show's over. Off to get Boba!!!
Pip, Alec, Sarah, Laura, Andrew, his brother Gabriel and i moved our location to the spectacular "iCafe"...with equally spectacular patrons. Breathtaking.
Alec and Laura were wearing the same sweatshirt. Laura also had an Amoeba music bag. Sarah was carrying one of these as well. So she gave her bag to Alec and her glasses to Laura (that's why they're so crooked) and...well...i can't even tell the difference.
GREATEST. PICTURE. EVER.
Pip: "I look like I just blew Alec away with my mind!!" The four of us ate some fried rice and Sarah didn't like her boba slushee (can't say i blame her) so Pip drank it all. Only to be accused later by Sarah of drinking all her boba slushee. HAHA
Alec has "heroin eyes", apparently...
aww, look at Sarah! Whatta cutie pie!
Pip suddenly realizes who he's been hanging out with all evening...
(that's Alec wiggling Sarah's finger, btw...)
Next: Sarah and Alec plot diabolical plan to take a picture of Colleen...Alec grabs camera, Sarah grabs Colleen's head and...
pure love.
When we got home around 1am, Sarah Alec and i took a walk up the hill next to my house. On the way Sarah ran ahead and tried to hide and scare us. It would have worked if i didn't see her sneaking around. Then she did this thing where she goes all limp and makes me catch her. Then she just laid in the street. For the next ten minutes, Alec got to watch and laugh as i sat on her, blew on her stomach and tried various other techniques to get her off of the ground. Finally, after two nearly successful attempts at a wedgie, she was up and we were mobile again. I was so warm at that point i shed my scarf and jacket.
For the next hour or so, i drifted in and out of conversations about how majestic and beautiful and frightening God's creation can be, and in spite of it's glory, how empty everything is without the recognition of the love that put it there. We reached a bend at one point that overlooked the city. The mountains in the distance loomed black and massive. Stars and the half moon were thinly veiled by whispy clouds. A plane inched along high above us, leaving a vapor trail that split the sky in two, making it look like we were inside a huge dome.
We rested there. Sarah laid on the ground, i sat on the guard rail and Alec stood. We talked about being still. About being so small. About being joyful. After a while i just sat and listened to the air and to the two voices next to me. Contentment.
sigh.
I got cold again and put my scarf back on. On the way back down we sang together, "How Great Thou Art"...bittersweetness filled me.
We got back a little after 2. But i didn't sleep for a long time...
What a wonderful Father we have...
Here are some pictures from their performance...
Joey singing, Jeff strumming, and James. James plays the violin like a champ. On the drums is Eddie, but you can't see him. He's really good, though.
This may have been during "How to Disappear Completely"...
too bad no one got a picture of me playing the kazoo...
Apres le show...
don't ask.
mighty.
scary coolness.
It's 11:30. Show's over. Off to get Boba!!!
Pip, Alec, Sarah, Laura, Andrew, his brother Gabriel and i moved our location to the spectacular "iCafe"...with equally spectacular patrons. Breathtaking.
Alec and Laura were wearing the same sweatshirt. Laura also had an Amoeba music bag. Sarah was carrying one of these as well. So she gave her bag to Alec and her glasses to Laura (that's why they're so crooked) and...well...i can't even tell the difference.
aww, look at Sarah! Whatta cutie pie!
Pip suddenly realizes who he's been hanging out with all evening...
(that's Alec wiggling Sarah's finger, btw...)
Next: Sarah and Alec plot diabolical plan to take a picture of Colleen...Alec grabs camera, Sarah grabs Colleen's head and...
When we got home around 1am, Sarah Alec and i took a walk up the hill next to my house. On the way Sarah ran ahead and tried to hide and scare us. It would have worked if i didn't see her sneaking around. Then she did this thing where she goes all limp and makes me catch her. Then she just laid in the street. For the next ten minutes, Alec got to watch and laugh as i sat on her, blew on her stomach and tried various other techniques to get her off of the ground. Finally, after two nearly successful attempts at a wedgie, she was up and we were mobile again. I was so warm at that point i shed my scarf and jacket.
For the next hour or so, i drifted in and out of conversations about how majestic and beautiful and frightening God's creation can be, and in spite of it's glory, how empty everything is without the recognition of the love that put it there. We reached a bend at one point that overlooked the city. The mountains in the distance loomed black and massive. Stars and the half moon were thinly veiled by whispy clouds. A plane inched along high above us, leaving a vapor trail that split the sky in two, making it look like we were inside a huge dome.
We rested there. Sarah laid on the ground, i sat on the guard rail and Alec stood. We talked about being still. About being so small. About being joyful. After a while i just sat and listened to the air and to the two voices next to me. Contentment.
sigh.
I got cold again and put my scarf back on. On the way back down we sang together, "How Great Thou Art"...bittersweetness filled me.
We got back a little after 2. But i didn't sleep for a long time...
What a wonderful Father we have...
Tuesday, November 7
All lost when we found Love...
Pip+Alec+Colleen+Sarah=In My Chariot of Sleep
~~~
I voted this morning in Pasadena and drove to Laguna to register for classes at 10am. I gave myself about 2 hours in case of traffic, and set off smoothly. The mountains were clear and beautiful and i was glad there was no slowing, but my heart still felt heavy. I can't explain my mood...my moods have been kind of strange lately for various varieties of mostly silly reasons...but that's besides the point.
By the time i got to the 57 the traffic stopped dead. I was a little worried, only because if i didn't make it to my registration appointment on time i wouldn't get the classes i needed, and i only had a ten minute window in which to place said registration. But i knew that if i was supposed to get into those classes the Lord would get me to that appointment on time. So i just waited. I usually like driving because it gives me an excuse to be alone with my thoughts and listen to music &c...but this morning i didn't really want to be alone with myself.
I've been in a worse than usual emotional and mental struggle this week, and before i knew it I began to feel myself sinking. I began to pray and put on some peaceful Sufjan to help quiet my heart. Aaaand i kept waiting.
I spent the next hour in a bumper to bumper smelly herd of cars.
At one point "Oh God Where are You Now?" began to play, and i sang softly with it. It is so peaceful, and it puts me in a place of calm almost no matter where i am or what i'm doing. That song makes me feel like i'm being hugged by Jesus. And i began to think about some things Sonny Bradley, a visiting member of the church in Memphis, was telling my family last night. He told us how he came to know the Lord, and it was an amazing story. About how God came right to him, no human intervention whatsoever (perhaps some one somewhere was praying for him), and ministered to his broken life in incredible, supernatural ways. And how he was given peace and calm in the midst of a storm...literally and figuratively. He was such a blessing to have around this weekend.
I wish i was a better talker and could have spoken to him personally...but perhaps another time...
Around 9:30, having not even reached the 5 freeway yet, i said out loud, "You sure are cutting this close, Lord".
I got to school at 10 am on the nose and was in the room with 5 minutes to spare in which to look over my tentative schedule and make sure i had written everything correctly. Thank You Jesus!
A guy in my class...Joe aka "Paint Pants"...just sat down next to me with a cancer stick. EEW
So, as far as i know, this spring i'll be taking Figure Drawing 3, Watercolor (my grandma will be happy about that one), Painting 3, and Asian Art History. I may also take another figure painting class, but i'm not sure yet.
I swear this guy is deliberately blowing smoke on me.
Anyway, so that's that. (Yaay he's leaving!)
i'm trying to decide whether or not to go to sculpture today...i really need to work on my painting. hmm. i have a couple of hours to make up my mind.
The Lord is faithful. Even when we're not...
My hair smells like cigarettes. Sweet.
I voted this morning in Pasadena and drove to Laguna to register for classes at 10am. I gave myself about 2 hours in case of traffic, and set off smoothly. The mountains were clear and beautiful and i was glad there was no slowing, but my heart still felt heavy. I can't explain my mood...my moods have been kind of strange lately for various varieties of mostly silly reasons...but that's besides the point.
By the time i got to the 57 the traffic stopped dead. I was a little worried, only because if i didn't make it to my registration appointment on time i wouldn't get the classes i needed, and i only had a ten minute window in which to place said registration. But i knew that if i was supposed to get into those classes the Lord would get me to that appointment on time. So i just waited. I usually like driving because it gives me an excuse to be alone with my thoughts and listen to music &c...but this morning i didn't really want to be alone with myself.
I've been in a worse than usual emotional and mental struggle this week, and before i knew it I began to feel myself sinking. I began to pray and put on some peaceful Sufjan to help quiet my heart. Aaaand i kept waiting.
I spent the next hour in a bumper to bumper smelly herd of cars.
At one point "Oh God Where are You Now?" began to play, and i sang softly with it. It is so peaceful, and it puts me in a place of calm almost no matter where i am or what i'm doing. That song makes me feel like i'm being hugged by Jesus. And i began to think about some things Sonny Bradley, a visiting member of the church in Memphis, was telling my family last night. He told us how he came to know the Lord, and it was an amazing story. About how God came right to him, no human intervention whatsoever (perhaps some one somewhere was praying for him), and ministered to his broken life in incredible, supernatural ways. And how he was given peace and calm in the midst of a storm...literally and figuratively. He was such a blessing to have around this weekend.
I wish i was a better talker and could have spoken to him personally...but perhaps another time...
Around 9:30, having not even reached the 5 freeway yet, i said out loud, "You sure are cutting this close, Lord".
I got to school at 10 am on the nose and was in the room with 5 minutes to spare in which to look over my tentative schedule and make sure i had written everything correctly. Thank You Jesus!
A guy in my class...Joe aka "Paint Pants"...just sat down next to me with a cancer stick. EEW
So, as far as i know, this spring i'll be taking Figure Drawing 3, Watercolor (my grandma will be happy about that one), Painting 3, and Asian Art History. I may also take another figure painting class, but i'm not sure yet.
I swear this guy is deliberately blowing smoke on me.
Anyway, so that's that. (Yaay he's leaving!)
i'm trying to decide whether or not to go to sculpture today...i really need to work on my painting. hmm. i have a couple of hours to make up my mind.
The Lord is faithful. Even when we're not...
My hair smells like cigarettes. Sweet.
Wednesday, August 24
nearly thursday
Seeing as i don't have a computer down where i'm staying for school yet, i haven't been able to get online since Sunday! Heavens!
Hopefully that will change, as LCAD requires all students to have purchased a laptop through their laptop program. i should be getting mine before the weekend...a new Powerbook G4 to have and enjoy. (:
So as i mentoned, sort of, i stayed down there for about 3 days for orientation mishmash and such.
I can't believe how beautiful the campus is. Check out the website and take a look at the virtual tour. See the front entrance, Visit the grassy knoll, stroll throught the handicap parking (it has a good all around scope of the front of the school). Take a look at the student galleries, as well. Some of the work ot absolutely breathtaking...i recommend skipping the foundation section...though there's good stuff in there, too.
I'm mostly just excited about getting really down and dirty with the art classes. I got my schedule, and i'm taking 15 units of portraiture, figure drawing, figure painting, figure sculpture, and less that wonderful classes like perspective and human evolution (uuuugh. like i haven't heard all of that before). I'm taking a writing/critical reasoning class that sounds interesting...but i just wish i could focus on art! Oh well. Praise God i transferred out of all the lower writing classes.
Otherwise i'm kind of freaking out. An upheval in family crisis(es??? what the hell is plural for crisis?), relationships on the rocks and me just being quite an emotional wreck. I won't go into details...but lets just say the last few weeks have involved a lot of literal blood sweat and tears in quite a variety of ways.
Seeing as i'm not actually starting until Monday, i came back here to Pasadena. And my parents are getting back from Arizona tomorrow, so i'll get to see my mom...smile.
I'm not really listening to anything right now...i can fix that...
Hear hear...
Werewolf by Cat Power
what? you've never heard of Cat Power!?? Well, now you have. And you'll like it. Just ask JeffBishop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hopefully that will change, as LCAD requires all students to have purchased a laptop through their laptop program. i should be getting mine before the weekend...a new Powerbook G4 to have and enjoy. (:
So as i mentoned, sort of, i stayed down there for about 3 days for orientation mishmash and such.
I can't believe how beautiful the campus is. Check out the website and take a look at the virtual tour. See the front entrance, Visit the grassy knoll, stroll throught the handicap parking (it has a good all around scope of the front of the school). Take a look at the student galleries, as well. Some of the work ot absolutely breathtaking...i recommend skipping the foundation section...though there's good stuff in there, too.
I'm mostly just excited about getting really down and dirty with the art classes. I got my schedule, and i'm taking 15 units of portraiture, figure drawing, figure painting, figure sculpture, and less that wonderful classes like perspective and human evolution (uuuugh. like i haven't heard all of that before). I'm taking a writing/critical reasoning class that sounds interesting...but i just wish i could focus on art! Oh well. Praise God i transferred out of all the lower writing classes.
Otherwise i'm kind of freaking out. An upheval in family crisis(es??? what the hell is plural for crisis?), relationships on the rocks and me just being quite an emotional wreck. I won't go into details...but lets just say the last few weeks have involved a lot of literal blood sweat and tears in quite a variety of ways.
Seeing as i'm not actually starting until Monday, i came back here to Pasadena. And my parents are getting back from Arizona tomorrow, so i'll get to see my mom...smile.
I'm not really listening to anything right now...i can fix that...
Hear hear...
Werewolf by Cat Power
what? you've never heard of Cat Power!?? Well, now you have. And you'll like it. Just ask JeffBishop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, December 24
Twas the night before Christmas...
and all down the hall,
grandpa's sneeze echoed,
a primal scream call.
Twas the night before Christmas...
and out in the kitchen,
mom's making cheesecake,
that's sure to be bitchin'.
Twas the night before Christmas...
and under the fake tree,
the Puppy leaves presents
for you and for me.
Twas the night before Christmas...
and there on my floor,
lay all of my gifts,
unwrapped by the door.
My grandparents nestled
all snug in their bed,
all bathed and all clean
for the long day ahead.
Grandma will dream
of cookies and flowers,
while Grandpa will dwell
on how much he hates showers.
Mom will continue
to slave through the night,
preparing the house
like a wee Christmas sprite.
Sarah sits bent
in her computer chair,
creating my gift
sure to give me a scare.
Twas the night before Christmas...
i stop and i ponder
the things in life of which
i hate, and grow fonder.
The love of my family
such security there,
and yet here is where i oft
feel most despair.
The bonding of friends
a warming embrace,
and yet they can give you
a slap in the face.
The outstretching future
so clear and so bright,
and yet all i see
is a dark endless night.
Twas the night before Christmas...
i tell my reflection,
you're part of a plan,
one which needs no projection.
You surely can't see all
or all purpose find,
pray for what ails you,
in body and mind.
Twas the night before Christmas...
retorting i say,
i cannot see 'fore me
and i cannot pray.
I abhor my blindness
i curse my weak will,
Forever i feel bound
to here suffer still.
Twas the night before Christmas...
a divine palm slapped me,
a Godly foot kicked me,
celestial hands grabbed me.
I can't rid myself
of what boils within,
i can't reach inside me
and tear out my sin.
I can't control people
i can't control she
i can control how
i let Him control me.
Twas the night before Christmas...
and i sit in shame,
how could i ever
have denied His name?
How many times
must i wander away,
and let him pick me up
and I'll finally stay?
Tomorrow i want
to think of Him solely,
as i sing as i speak
may he keep the day holy.
It's easy to become
a sad lonely person
who finds Christmas dismal,
and lets each year worsen.
Twas the night before Christmas...
a little more peaceful
a little more joyful
a little more grateful
I find my self feeling
and i say without spite,
Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night.
love, colleen(:
grandpa's sneeze echoed,
a primal scream call.
Twas the night before Christmas...
and out in the kitchen,
mom's making cheesecake,
that's sure to be bitchin'.
Twas the night before Christmas...
and under the fake tree,
the Puppy leaves presents
for you and for me.
Twas the night before Christmas...
and there on my floor,
lay all of my gifts,
unwrapped by the door.
My grandparents nestled
all snug in their bed,
all bathed and all clean
for the long day ahead.
Grandma will dream
of cookies and flowers,
while Grandpa will dwell
on how much he hates showers.
Mom will continue
to slave through the night,
preparing the house
like a wee Christmas sprite.
Sarah sits bent
in her computer chair,
creating my gift
sure to give me a scare.
Twas the night before Christmas...
i stop and i ponder
the things in life of which
i hate, and grow fonder.
The love of my family
such security there,
and yet here is where i oft
feel most despair.
The bonding of friends
a warming embrace,
and yet they can give you
a slap in the face.
The outstretching future
so clear and so bright,
and yet all i see
is a dark endless night.
Twas the night before Christmas...
i tell my reflection,
you're part of a plan,
one which needs no projection.
You surely can't see all
or all purpose find,
pray for what ails you,
in body and mind.
Twas the night before Christmas...
retorting i say,
i cannot see 'fore me
and i cannot pray.
I abhor my blindness
i curse my weak will,
Forever i feel bound
to here suffer still.
Twas the night before Christmas...
a divine palm slapped me,
a Godly foot kicked me,
celestial hands grabbed me.
I can't rid myself
of what boils within,
i can't reach inside me
and tear out my sin.
I can't control people
i can't control she
i can control how
i let Him control me.
Twas the night before Christmas...
and i sit in shame,
how could i ever
have denied His name?
How many times
must i wander away,
and let him pick me up
and I'll finally stay?
Tomorrow i want
to think of Him solely,
as i sing as i speak
may he keep the day holy.
It's easy to become
a sad lonely person
who finds Christmas dismal,
and lets each year worsen.
Twas the night before Christmas...
a little more peaceful
a little more joyful
a little more grateful
I find my self feeling
and i say without spite,
Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night.
love, colleen(:
Tuesday, July 6
O Lord, do not rebuke me in
Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your hot
displeasure.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I am weak;
O Lord heal me,
for my bones are troubled.
My soul is also greatly
troubled;
But You, O Lord--how long?
Return, O Lord, deliver me!
Oh save me for Your mercies'
sake!
For in death there is no
remembrance of You;
In the grave who will give you
thanks?
I am weary with my groaning;
All night I make my bed swim;
I drench my couch with
tears.
My eye wastes away because of
grief;
It grows old because of all my
enemies.
Depart from me,
all you workers of iniquity;
For the Lord has heard the
voice of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my
supplication;
The Lord will recieve my
prayer.
Let all my enemies be ashamed
and greatly troubled;
Let them turn back
and be ashamed suddenly.
Psalm 6
Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your hot
displeasure.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I am weak;
O Lord heal me,
for my bones are troubled.
My soul is also greatly
troubled;
But You, O Lord--how long?
Return, O Lord, deliver me!
Oh save me for Your mercies'
sake!
For in death there is no
remembrance of You;
In the grave who will give you
thanks?
I am weary with my groaning;
All night I make my bed swim;
I drench my couch with
tears.
My eye wastes away because of
grief;
It grows old because of all my
enemies.
Depart from me,
all you workers of iniquity;
For the Lord has heard the
voice of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my
supplication;
The Lord will recieve my
prayer.
Let all my enemies be ashamed
and greatly troubled;
Let them turn back
and be ashamed suddenly.
Psalm 6
Saturday, May 29
The Lord is good
Tonight was amazing. Instead of a bible study, which we usually have on Friday nights, we decided to just have a prayer meeting because so many people were out of town for the holiday weekend. So it was 4 of my friends, my sister, my cousin, my parents, and two other people from my church, and we all shared our requests with each other.
Everyone, of course had something to share. No life is without some need.
It took some mustering up of courage on my part, but I finally told them about my struggles I've been having with the Lord. How I need to pray more, how I need God to be more real to me, because when I'm apart from Him, I'm at my worst. I've been very depressed the past few months...maybe years...I can't even remember when i wasn't, really. I do know it's gotten worse...and i know it's because I've been neglecting my walk with Jesus. Thank God i have such a wonderful family and amazing friends that share such a fire for the Lord's will in their lives.
And they all prayed for me, and I praised God for just letting me be there, so I could ask for their help, and so He could enter in and cover me with His love. it was wondeful. I pray the world will come to know what peace and hope the Lord can bring into the darkest of hearts.
And mine was so dark. I'm ashamed to say it. You know when you feel so angry and sad and despairing that you feel dirty inside? That was me...heck it still is me. I'm just so glad I can look to something besides myself to pick me up out of the filthy hole I've found myself in. It will take a while. I need the Lord's help so badly. It won't be easy. I need His strength.
Sigh. What a strange thing...to be so loved yet feel so hateful towards yourself all the same. It will be nice if someday I can look at myself and be glad with the person God has made me.
Everyone, of course had something to share. No life is without some need.
It took some mustering up of courage on my part, but I finally told them about my struggles I've been having with the Lord. How I need to pray more, how I need God to be more real to me, because when I'm apart from Him, I'm at my worst. I've been very depressed the past few months...maybe years...I can't even remember when i wasn't, really. I do know it's gotten worse...and i know it's because I've been neglecting my walk with Jesus. Thank God i have such a wonderful family and amazing friends that share such a fire for the Lord's will in their lives.
And they all prayed for me, and I praised God for just letting me be there, so I could ask for their help, and so He could enter in and cover me with His love. it was wondeful. I pray the world will come to know what peace and hope the Lord can bring into the darkest of hearts.
And mine was so dark. I'm ashamed to say it. You know when you feel so angry and sad and despairing that you feel dirty inside? That was me...heck it still is me. I'm just so glad I can look to something besides myself to pick me up out of the filthy hole I've found myself in. It will take a while. I need the Lord's help so badly. It won't be easy. I need His strength.
Sigh. What a strange thing...to be so loved yet feel so hateful towards yourself all the same. It will be nice if someday I can look at myself and be glad with the person God has made me.
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