morning coffee

hello there. it is a cool overcast morning in Laguna Niguel, and i'm drinking coffee...my new addiction. when i started hanging out with my friends last fall, they all went out for coffee all the time, and though i wasn't much of a fan, i went along. within a couple of weeks i remember thinking "hmm, this stuff isn't so bad" and i would order a small one. little did i know that by the next summer i would get major headaches and not be able to fully open my eyes without it!! oh cursed caffeine dependency...
anyway, i just left Dee's this morning. i'll take care of her nest week too, i'm pretty sure. my friend Katie Schmid came to take my place around 8am, so i got to talk to her for a little while. and that was wonderful. she is going to Italy in october and i am exceedingly jealous...

i'm kind of low lately. which i hate because i so badly want to be happy...the Lord is doing so much. but with specific situations just continuing to cause emotional pain and these stupid stupid dreams i keep having...i just can't let things go. last night i prayed that i could just let Jesus have these burdens...these thorns...and that (and 2 tylenol pm) helped me fall asleep a little bit better. i don't remember what i dreamed...yet...

i'm hoping to see my friend Drea today, who is dealing with some major struggles herself. i hope she will somehow come to see who God really is in her life through what she is dealing with. that He's not just some distant, apathetic spirit in the sky that doesn't care what you do with yourself as long as you are a "good person"...

i was also invited to an afternoon gathering at a nude beach. we'll see about that :P

~

i think that one of the most important things i have learned in the last month or so is that it is okay in life to fail at something...as long as it was something you were called by the Lord to do. i think of Amaris and the desperate situation she has been in for the last year...all the saturday morning women's prayer meetings where she would come and ask that somehow the Lord would tell her what to do with herself, so that she could make a living, pay her bills, just get by...
and week after week, month after month, nothing would happen. she wasn't making enough money at her job, she was feeling unfulfilled, and God seemed to be ignoring her.
a couple of months ago, she felt that the Lord was pulling her to move to the east coast. she felt it so strongly, that she put in her 2 weeks notice at Nickelodeon, moved out of her photography studio, moved out of her apartment, and planned to fly out within the month and be an assistant to an artist in conneticut.
but then, just before she was supposed to leave, she found out that what she was going to be doing in CT was not only completely different than she thought, but she wasn't going to be paid for it. moving suddenly became impossible...and now she was homeless, jobless, and without a place to make her artwork.
she was in near despair.
she thought that she was doing what God wanted.
why would He give her a calling, make her follow it, and then yank it out from under her feet??

to make a long story short...not only has she gotten her job back, but she received a totally unexpected promotion, is doing something much more involved, and is for the first time in her life, able to pay her bills. and she is writing her book, taking her pictures...and now just needs a place to live she she can move out of her mom's house. and she isn't worried...she is excited to see where the Lord is going to put her.
and if she hadn't followed His voice...and "failed" none of it would have happened.

it really cements the idea that God is writing a story for us...all we see is the conflict, the suspense, the doubt. there is no way to flip to the end and see how all the loose ends are tied together.

i thought that was cool.
~

mom and dad are in Hawaii for the week, so when i get home this evening i get to have the house to myself...partaay! aaawww yeah!!

last night Radiohead played at the Hollywood Bowl. a few of my friends have already updated their facebook statuses to reflect how ****ing amazing it was...
i will see them again. someday. i will!!!
for now i'll just content myself with Beach House and Pip's lovely music.
i really want to make more music.
i can't wait to start some portraits!

my coffee is almost gone...and i just spilled some on my computer...which i think is my cue to go and make something of myself.
first things first...i'm going to a bookstore to buy Breaking Dawn. don't judge me. you know that deep down you think Britney Spears is catchy.

well. aren't you glad that you sat and read all these ramblings?? don't you feel so much more smarter (grammatical error=on purpose) and aware of the world??
oh good. then my job here is done.


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oh Lord. 

if it was just me it would be one thing 

but it's not and i'm heartbroken over it in so many ways

crying until i make myself sick

i thought i was done with this

i'm sorry i just couldn't hold up today

tomorrow will be better i pray--just get me to tomorrow

~

At times, i want nothing more than to tackle everything in front of me...to seize opportunity, to overcome listlessness, to prove that my God is sufficient. Usually those days begin with an early rise, a good run, some hours of productivity, quality time with a close friend, a conversation about the Lord, a joyous dinner with my family, feeling like God used me that day.

But what about days where you wake up restless, hot, uncomfortable. I sit frozen in front of my artwork, when i speak i begin to cry, when i try to pray i am overwhelmed with anxiety, and all the while trying to be strong for the people around me who i have come to love so much it hurts. And then everything hurts, my heart, my head, my stomach...i can't eat, sleep, read...a friend calls me, and confides his struggles and i break down...then i feel guilty and pathetic because i want to be there for him, not burden him with my own worries.
I call my mother in desperation. She talks to me and somehow, despite my self, something gets through my muddled head.

The funny thing is, is that what she says to me is pretty much what i had been saying to my friend not 20 minutes before. To let things go, to pray instead of worry, to stop taking on responsibilities that are God's...not mine!

I'm lonely and scared, i said. she told me to try and realize that where i am right now is, for whatever reason, exactly where God wants me. Maybe right now He wants me to be alone, because He is tired of sharing me. Maybe i'm not supposed to run off and forget that i am in need. Maybe i am supposed to feel weak.

Phil spoke a really amazing message on Sunday about how the Lord allows us to come into captivity, to utter helplessness, so we can only rely on Him. Today i read the very familiar verse on 2 Corinthians...

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'"

The greatest material in God's hands is not my strength, it's my weakness.

...right now i'm just praying i can even begin to understand it. It certainly "makes sense"...but i keep trying to take back control. I keep running to rescue people. In spite of the fact that i feel pitifully weak and unable to do anything for anyone, i try to do it anyway...because i just can't bring myself to fully trust in the promises of my Heavenly Father.

I told my friend that his job is to pursue the Lord, to make known his needs to Him, and to wait, even though his situation is becoming more and more unbearable.

And i can't even do it myself!
i guess i keep waiting for the day when it will just "click" and it won't be so hard anymore. but i'm seeing that that is the opposite attitude i need to have.

"...I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

i admit, i have absolutely no idea how to do this.
but i think, in light of this scripture, that is a really good thing. because it's not about what i can do...or cannot do. it's not up to me to "prove my God"...He can do that Himself.

i am seeing people all around me realizing their lack of control over their lives. my sister, Laurel and Chad, Edan, my friend Drea, Bettina, Joey and Ginger...i would go on but i think i would just end up listing every single person i know. :P

aaand i am at the point where i am simply starting to ramble...where my writing has lost it's remnant of structure and randomness takes over. so i'll finish and just ask humbly for your prayers and assure you that you are in mine.

love, colleen


~~~

this morning

i was thinking about my friends who are suffering. seeing Pip last night and not being able to hug him enough...seeing my friend Ashlee today and wishing i could say something wonderful...thinking of Bettina, talking to Edan, my sister, praying for Laurel, my cousins, Amaris, Kristina, her sister, Searcy, Katie, Andrew, Mollie, the Bishops, so many...

and i said to God...

God, internal pain hurts. i can see it on faces. i'm almost finished with my first painting. and there are some new ideas percolating. we'll see.

Ephesians 2:4-8


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i know...

...that i am flawed, blemished and tainted

i know i am not an easy person
i know i emotionally invest too much in other people
and they probably don't even know it, even when i tell them
i know it takes me a long time to be comfortable with unfamiliar things
especially when they're risky

i know i like to take care of people
i know i am thoughtful
i know i like to make things for those i love
i know people can tickle me anywhere
i know it's easy to amuse me
and tickling doesn't count

i know i think too much
i know i can be cruel
i know i let people down
sometimes i can't fall asleep

i like to dream about going places
i like to think about love
i like mailing things
i like being quiet with friends
and listening to them breathe

i know i aggrivate people
i know i can drive them crazy
i know i am inconsistent
because i am ruled by fear of failing them

i don't like being scared
it's just what the serpent wants
i don't like being frozen
unable to move my arms and legs
i don't like crying until i can't see
i don't like being by my self
but that's where God has me

i know that Jesus knows what is best for me
i know i have to let that impact me to the fullest
i know i cannot compromise
even when it feels like i'm giving up the impossible

i don't like being refined
i don't like being moulded
i don't like being pounded, rubbed till i'm raw

but if i'm not then Christ will never be able to see His face in me. so i open my hands and let Him have me. and let the fire scorch my face. the mallets hammer my spine. the fists grind deep into my flesh.

it would be so much easier to handle if i knew if would only take a week, a month, even a year. but i've been promised a lifetime of trial in order to be purified. tell me that is not daunting...
...but i have no choice. to turn away, to go back to what is pleasurable, what is fun, what is less demanding would be choosing a death that does not ultimately lead to paradise...



in this fear and fatigue i am asking for some rest. to be able to let go of things that are no longer mine...no matter how much they mean to me...no matter how unfairly or painfully they were taken away...

and maybe i will soon wake up without wishing i could go back and do things differently. i can know it had to be this way. maybe soon i can even feel like i can move, like i can walk, like i can look forward again.


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