state of mind...

today i felt overwhelmed.
which is, in itself, fine. sometimes i strangely like feeling overly busy...it gives me a sense of purpose; "i have things to do! places to go!" i feel so productive! usually that's when i'm dealing with things i know i can take care of with minimal emotional energy exertion. (that's MEEE in textspeak)
needless to say, i'm sure, right now i am not that kind of overwhelmed. i am the sort that makes me feel like i can't move. worries for people, worries about work, doctor visits, bills, endless phone calls to my health insurance (aaagh will SOMEONE please use words i understand?), frustrating mental instability...
the one good thing about this kind? it makes me cling to the Lord.

an excerpt from my journal from monday April 13...

"...In My Utmost for His Highest the last 2 days, the Lord has pricked my soul. Nothing huge or flashy, or yelling in my face, but just a couple of quiet nudges. Yesterday there was one sentence that summed it up for me: 'Any strand of our own energy will blur the life of Jesus'. I don't ever really need a book or a person to tell me this because I feel it every moment of my life, but all the same I do. I needed to be told.

And then this morning the subject was right and wrong burden-bearing, and the folly of not casting our burdens back onto God. '...but if we roll back on God that which He has put on us, He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself.'

My reliance on my own energy is both confusing and exhausting me. And despite my self-doubt, insecurity and weakness I just keep doing it. And so i become tired, angry, awkward, and cannot be of use to anyone."

That's basically where i've been all week, and today was especially difficult as things finally kind of boiled over. Even after what i wrote 4 days ago, i will not stop this reliance on my self, this carrying of burdens i am so loath to let God take back and help me with. Why is it so so very hard? Why don't i trust Him?
i mean, i do trust Him.
i guess i just feel that maybe He's taking too long...
or that i am not hearing Him clearly, if at all...how can i tell?
does He want me to wait, or take these steps forward?
or perhaps i have simply messed things up by my stubbornness and fear and now everything is ruined and i will never know what good He may have had for me if i had just: a. kept quiet and waited, or b. leaped forward in unwavering faith...(depending on the situation...)...
or...or...

~

in a moment of rest i realize i give my self way too much credit. stop. read Numbers 23:19.
i cannot thwart God. He cannot fail me. it is just nonsense.

"He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself"

and suddenly, if even for just a moment, i feel a light and clarity i never would have if this day, if this mind, were happily and effortlessly my own.

number 600

welcome to post 600! not much else to say about that...just the acknowledgement of a nice, round number.
I am currently putting off working on an orthographic of an express train. these days life for me revolves around being so so grateful to have a job, to be working doing something even REMOTELY creative...but also wishing i had some time to paint, draw, and sing and go running and see people...but that's just where things are. i know the Lord probably has all kinds of things getting ready to drop into my relatively stable existence, so for now i'll enjoy being able to pay off my student loans :)
Really, though, life outside of the studio has been pretty rad.
There has been an influx of awesome people i know moving to (or back to) the Pasadena area...i'm really enjoying even the small amount of time i get to work on my own art endeavors...and it's been raining this week so the weather outside is AMAZING. all very good things.

Jordan teaching Jeff "cribbage"...

Jordan, Evan, and Alec have a nightly push-up bonding time at 9:36. they call each other pretty much wherever they are and stop and do 2 sets of 25 pushups. last week Jordan pulled over and stopped in a gas station to do his. after Bible study last week the 3 of them and my dad ran into the Meyers' backyard and went for it...

oh yeah, and they take their shirts off.

karaoke at the Miyako hotel last Friday night...Amy is singing her every popular rendition of "My Heart Will Go On". Jeff and i make her do it almost every time we go.

i took this picture of cam, reid, mikey and ethan after church on sunday. i remember when each of these guys was a little boy. now all teenagers, it's a total trip seeing them acting more and more like young men...(some of the time)... it's amazing and scary. will i ever get used to how fast life is flying by??
do i want to?



well, i just found out that a project i spent a good half a day on last week was lost somehow...so i need to get on that. X(

Psalm 103 is amazing. i'm trying to memorize it...and it helps me fall asleep at night...running it through my mind instead of thinking about my insecurities or what i didn't get finished during the day.

~~~

proposing truth

There are so many things that are difficult about being a Christian who is serious about God's word, and who Christ has called us to be in this world.
One of these, as anyone can attest, is being persecuted for our faith...being mocked and abused for our silly, "outdated" and "bigoted" beliefs.

Lately there has been another burden on my spirit.
For me there is also the pain of knowing that people around me who i love very dearly, who are not the Lord's, are also, in some cases, are feeling persecuted by us.

Don't worry, i know that this is essentially not true. (except where you do see the crazies on "our side" who act out in hate)
But i guess that one of the many stirring and eye-opening aspects of being close to people who are not saved, is seeing things from their point of view. A fallen one, granted, but it would be the exact way i would look at things if God had not already revealed Himself and His ways to me.

Because, to put it simply, The Lord's ways are not fair.
they are only right.

Why should my moral views make any sense to someone who doesn't believe in absolute truth? or in the sacredness of the Bible?
What does it mean to them what marriage symbolizes, and why it even exists...?

I have a friend who i care for very much who i went to school with. He is a talented artist, a generous person, and a genuinely kind and lovely human being. he has encouraged me and supported me and confided in me. He is also gay--which makes no difference in how much i love him. i don't even think about it. But it does drive an invisible, yet very solid line between us. It is a line that i have not yet had to try and cross, but the way things are going these days...

Yesterday he wrote a "note" on facebook (kind of like a blog post) for everyone he is "friends" with to read. It struck me deeply, and is a big part of what prompted me to think about all this.
Before i go on i'll let you read it for yourself...

Prop 8 Allegory

"What do you think an artist is?" Picasso once responded during an interview. "An imbecile who has only eyes if he's a painter, or ears if he's a musician, or a lyre at every level of his heart if he's a poet, or even if he's a boxer, just his muscles? On the contrary, he's at the same time a political being, constantly alive to heartrending, fiery, or happy events to which he responds in every way."

A friend called the other day and asked what "Yes on Prop 8" meant, and I told her. She said that there were dozens of people, dressed in yellow on Aliso Creek Road holding up signs that read "Restore Marriage" and cheering. Entire families, children absorbing their parents anxieties, learning how to see in black and white, learning that it's dangerous to see all those colors.

"That's what I thought," my friend responded. "That's fucked up." She said that she and another friend of mine were going to throw things at them, have a meeting of the Reptilian minds. I laughed and cried at this. My own feelings on the this perpetual debate have always been fragmented, since I first learned of it at the age of 14 when it was called Prop 22 and I naively assumed that civil liberties was just something that the modern world all kind of agreed upon. I remember being at Moonlight beach, surfing with my best friend during our freshman year of high school when I asked his opinion and he told me that he didn't think they should get married, "because it's gross."

I have felt angry and wanted to throw things myself, when I have seen them standing on the corner there, all the yellow merging into a single form. I wanted to yell in their faces about how wrong they were. My mind was detached and primal, they felt so separate from me, their prejudices so foreign.

I took a rose from my car that had been given to me the night before and that I had not removed from its place on the front seat. My throat felt swollen and dry as I walked up to the yellow beast. It pulsated there in front of me, thinking it was everything that I was not and daring me to prove it otherwise. I searched the moral behemoth and found a woman inside of it, writhing. She was a mother, I saw, with a son of about 9 years old who had prominent ears that he will undoubtedly later pay for.

Maybe it was her that first connected with me, or maybe it was him, or maybe it was his protruding ears that captured my attention and allowed me to pick them out especially from the flood of signs. "As the world becomes more horrible, art becomes more abstract," Paul Klee had said. I went up to the woman and gave her the rose and an accompanying smile. She asked if I would like to join them, and I declined politely and looked again at her son, who could so easily have been me. I gave him a wave before walking away, and I felt like a real artist.

Oh how grateful i am that i can be certain of God's power and authority and perfect judgment...because if i were in this with any doubt, i would crumble.
It would be so easy to say i just didn't care. If i love this guy, why should i stand in the way of his happiness...?

because i don't want him to DIE.

Because if i didn't love him as much as i do i wouldn't care.

All this emotion, all this very real real pain and love and anger and passion he is feeling and expressing is all leading him straight to his death.
This sensitive, dear man who has such really beautiful intentions in what he wants to bring to this world...in spite of his genuineness, his nobility, his earthly wisdom...is wrong. And the enemy is daily covering him in more and more velvety, soft, justifying darkness.

i am not ashamed about what my convictions are. i am not afraid of them and of what people will do to me, because it is not my welfare that matters, it is God's.

but i don't want to lose anyone...

i am completely overwhelmed.


And i ask for all of you to remember that while there are, indeed, millions of people out there full of blind hate and devoid of reason...
There are also those that love and care and believe they are doing what is right and good. All they can see in us is hatred and ignorance...it's the only way they can make sense of or justify it.

Please, please pray with me that Christ can touch the lives of these dear souls and reveal to them what is truly worth fighting for.

~

there is a pattern i have noticed in the way i function.
whenever i am presented with something that truly touches me--something that speaks of profound beauty--along with the feelings of amazement and awe comes an overwhelming wave of melancholy.
a song, a book, a beautiful day...if it affects me deeply...usually makes me overwhelmingly sad.
mourning, perhaps, that it is so transient. i think these moments make me long for my true home with my true Father.
it's not always this intense; but it's there. it makes a big impact...a big difference.

~

keep in mind i've been this way since before emo was cool.


~

morning coffee

hello there. it is a cool overcast morning in Laguna Niguel, and i'm drinking coffee...my new addiction. when i started hanging out with my friends last fall, they all went out for coffee all the time, and though i wasn't much of a fan, i went along. within a couple of weeks i remember thinking "hmm, this stuff isn't so bad" and i would order a small one. little did i know that by the next summer i would get major headaches and not be able to fully open my eyes without it!! oh cursed caffeine dependency...
anyway, i just left Dee's this morning. i'll take care of her nest week too, i'm pretty sure. my friend Katie Schmid came to take my place around 8am, so i got to talk to her for a little while. and that was wonderful. she is going to Italy in october and i am exceedingly jealous...

i'm kind of low lately. which i hate because i so badly want to be happy...the Lord is doing so much. but with specific situations just continuing to cause emotional pain and these stupid stupid dreams i keep having...i just can't let things go. last night i prayed that i could just let Jesus have these burdens...these thorns...and that (and 2 tylenol pm) helped me fall asleep a little bit better. i don't remember what i dreamed...yet...

i'm hoping to see my friend Drea today, who is dealing with some major struggles herself. i hope she will somehow come to see who God really is in her life through what she is dealing with. that He's not just some distant, apathetic spirit in the sky that doesn't care what you do with yourself as long as you are a "good person"...

i was also invited to an afternoon gathering at a nude beach. we'll see about that :P

~

i think that one of the most important things i have learned in the last month or so is that it is okay in life to fail at something...as long as it was something you were called by the Lord to do. i think of Amaris and the desperate situation she has been in for the last year...all the saturday morning women's prayer meetings where she would come and ask that somehow the Lord would tell her what to do with herself, so that she could make a living, pay her bills, just get by...
and week after week, month after month, nothing would happen. she wasn't making enough money at her job, she was feeling unfulfilled, and God seemed to be ignoring her.
a couple of months ago, she felt that the Lord was pulling her to move to the east coast. she felt it so strongly, that she put in her 2 weeks notice at Nickelodeon, moved out of her photography studio, moved out of her apartment, and planned to fly out within the month and be an assistant to an artist in conneticut.
but then, just before she was supposed to leave, she found out that what she was going to be doing in CT was not only completely different than she thought, but she wasn't going to be paid for it. moving suddenly became impossible...and now she was homeless, jobless, and without a place to make her artwork.
she was in near despair.
she thought that she was doing what God wanted.
why would He give her a calling, make her follow it, and then yank it out from under her feet??

to make a long story short...not only has she gotten her job back, but she received a totally unexpected promotion, is doing something much more involved, and is for the first time in her life, able to pay her bills. and she is writing her book, taking her pictures...and now just needs a place to live she she can move out of her mom's house. and she isn't worried...she is excited to see where the Lord is going to put her.
and if she hadn't followed His voice...and "failed" none of it would have happened.

it really cements the idea that God is writing a story for us...all we see is the conflict, the suspense, the doubt. there is no way to flip to the end and see how all the loose ends are tied together.

i thought that was cool.
~

mom and dad are in Hawaii for the week, so when i get home this evening i get to have the house to myself...partaay! aaawww yeah!!

last night Radiohead played at the Hollywood Bowl. a few of my friends have already updated their facebook statuses to reflect how ****ing amazing it was...
i will see them again. someday. i will!!!
for now i'll just content myself with Beach House and Pip's lovely music.
i really want to make more music.
i can't wait to start some portraits!

my coffee is almost gone...and i just spilled some on my computer...which i think is my cue to go and make something of myself.
first things first...i'm going to a bookstore to buy Breaking Dawn. don't judge me. you know that deep down you think Britney Spears is catchy.

well. aren't you glad that you sat and read all these ramblings?? don't you feel so much more smarter (grammatical error=on purpose) and aware of the world??
oh good. then my job here is done.


~~~~

the prayer of my heart

i don't know what it is.
but spending 48 hours straight devoting every ounce of your energy in servitude to someone in need--kind of makes things fall into perspective--what is really important? what am i devoting my time to?
as you make somone food
as you wash their body
change their clothes
give them company
lift when you are exhausted
rise when you need to sleep

simply smile

in spite of fatigue...
you feel a longing to be someone like this all the time
to serve
to devote
to sacrifice your self


you want to be someone who was as the Lord was

He has done all this and infinitely more for every single living person
He continues to do it every day

wash us
feed us
lift us
speak to us

it's a trick to think we can't do the same...that we're just not capable.
it's what we are here for.

there is no other satisfaction

~~~

hm.

i realized recently that i'm somewhat of a fatalist.

"eh. whatever happens happens."

i should be careful with that.



~~~

where is the joy

"I once wrote that God always answers us in the deeps, not in the shallows of our prayers. Hasn't it been so with you?
One of the hardest things in our secret prayer life is to accept with joy and not with grief the answers to our deepest prayers. At least I have found it so. It was a long time before I discovered that whatever came was the answer. I had expected something so different that I did not recognize it when it came.
And He doesn't explain. He trusts us not to be offended; that's all."

~Amy Carmichael

i really really love the way Amy Carmichael words her thoughts.

Lord i have not been accepting with joy.
i was at first, before the weight set in, before other matters overwhelmed me...but i admit it has been one of those "impossible" things. despite Your having provided so much...
what does it matter that i feel peaceful when my feelings are stable?
as i wrote before, the peace should come when the ground shakes. literally and figuratively.

oh so much to learn. so far to go...

Jesus would You heal the wounds of my family...and those around us...
would You provide Grace abounding in the coming days and weeks...
let Your joy flow out in spite of suffering...and so be that much more glorious and undeniable...

Psalm 9:1-20~~~thank you Kallista


~~~

sometimes God whispers. sometimes He speaks. and sometimes He yells in your ear with a megaphone on EXTREME FULL BLAST

hi.
how are you?

i've been better, but i've also been worse.

yestarday i went for a walk with my aunt Wren and we talked about current events in our respective lives. i was telling her at one point how i'm not asking God to re-do anything, i'm not asking Him to take it away, i just want my heart to change so i can get past the ache. i just want particular things in my life to just end, just finish up already.
i am weary of the ups and downs. i wish i could just be hopelessly depressed until it passes, or that my heart and feelings would just change to i can reach the end of this and move on. to be able to look back, see why it had to happen, and be able to thank the Lord for it. i know i will be there at some point...i know because i have already experienced it...but oh, if only i could be there now...!! to reach the conclusion of all this!

Wren said almost immediately, "The thing is...this is the end."
i was quiet. did i understand what she just said?
"God's purpose is right now," she continued. "The lesson doesn't come later, right now is the goal." she laughed a little ironically; she was speaking to herself as well. "This is where you are supposed to be. Not when it's all over; the goal is right now."
i wept inside of me.
now?
right now?
but right now...sucks...
i realize as i write this that i kind of chose to just not think any longer on what Wren said. it just wasn't pleasant enough. we were almost back to my parent's house. i told her that instead of going to Laguna that evening i would be staying at her place that night...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this morning i woke up with strange dreams still playing in my head. i got ready for the day, grabbed a couple of books, some coffee, and i went and sat in Wren's dining room. one of the books i had in front of me was Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, which i hadn't opened in a while.
Wren came in and said that today she had to go to Archives, among other places. i sighed, "oh, i looove Archives!" i picked up My Utmost and said lightly, "that's where i got this."
Wren glanced at the book and said tiredly, "if you read something good, read it to me," and left the room. i opened to today's date, and began to read. this is what it said:

~~~

AFTER OBEDIENCE - WHAT?
And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side. . . ." Mark 6:45-52 We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end. What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God. God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end. God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.

~~~

"It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God..."

When Wren came back into the room i said to her, "You will laugh when you hear what today's reading had to say." She smiled at me, "really??" I looked down at the page in front of me, "It is exactly what we were talking about yesterday. Seriously...it's hilarious." She sat down across from me and waited for me to read it.
when i finished she was laughing quietly "wow!' she said. "that's...! i had just been thinking about that...!"
"i know"
"I'm going to have to write that down..."
"i know"
she took a pencil.
"i don't even read this every day..." i mused.
she looked around for a blank spot to write on.
i sat in silence.
"What's the date, on that..." she asked, still looking down for a place to write.
"Today. July 28th," i said with a small laugh
"wow," she half-whispered

"i know"
~

i always take it for granted that when God speaks to me it will result in happiness and overwhelming peace and hope. i suppose it should, no matter what. but i admit i am not feeling very hopeful right now. i still have that desire to either be broken, or be through. to stop this darn PROCESS!!
i guess that is what He is trying to work out in me. in which case i had better find some contentment...find some calm in the now...whether i'm in a state of peace or despair...
in a way i always knew this.
a lesson i have already learned...
was i pretending i didn't...?


that's probably why He had to yell at me.

Your whispers, Lord...please now grant me your gentle whispers...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i painted today

so that's pretty fantastic.

Laurel.


Me.

Dad painting.

Chad at the home-made salad bar

Puppies getting big.



last night i got to see Tiffany Elizabeth and Red, drink some wine, peruse illustration magazines, look at weird things, and watch Harold and Maude...which was excellent (suddenly Wes Anderson makes a little more sense), but totally depressed me.



Tiffany is a bit obsessed with Bud Cort




those two are just unspeakably cute.

~
~
~

i sat on a bench at the beach this evening eating butternut squash soup and watching the sun set. some people were throwing the frisbee around not too far from me. i had to toss it back to them twice. it was beautiful. the air was cool, the colors were amazing. i read a little bit. i'm almost half way through The Count of Monte Cristo. and Amy Carmichael is awesome. (speaking of which, Kallista, i have a book i want to give you. maybe two.)
it was a little lonely, too. nothing like sitting by the shore on a lovely summer evening to make you wish there was someone next to you...

so, here's the low-down. i have decided that my life is out of my hands. i should have done this 25 years ago. i'll probably try to yank it back the moment i wake up in the morning, but it's a start.

i think maybe i'll paint just a little more before i leave. then it's time to PAAAARTY!!!!!
just kidding.
sort of.

;)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i forgot!

Tuesday (the 27th) was the 4-year anniversary of this weblog.
it's weird to think of how much has happened since i started this.
pretty crazy (2004)...and wonderful (2005)...and amazing (2006) too.

dinner sounds good.


~~~~~~

it's a wonderful life that you bring. it's a wonderful thing.

So my presentation actually went pretty well this morning.

i am so so very tired today. it's my own fault, as i was up until 3am this morning doing very geeky things. i now have an alter-ego Karta Mal'kyla, a Bothan with feats of running and force-sensitivity (among other things). and i know how to handle a blaster rifle. apparently i'm lacking in charisma (bad roll...but i make up for it in dexterity).
i love being in art school.

i'm in my studio...i wish i could take a nap in my bed and then paint...but an hour of driving would not help me now i think.
i'm also hungry. but there is no food here. i just ate 6 stale pretzels and thus depleted our nutritional store entirely...there's still some coffee candy...

it's very lovely out today...i should sit in the sun for a bit before it's gone.

tomorrow night a friend of mine from school is throwing a "March Mustache Madness Retrospective" party. so that should be pretty amazing, considering the time is slated at 9pm-5am...

Pip's birthday is on Sunday (big 25)...
Edan's is on Thursday (epic 30)...
Anna just had hers on the 31st (pretty 24)...

i've been researching MFA programs...is it worth the two more years and gazillions of dollars...? i don't know. it depends...i do know i don't want to stop learning yet. and maybe someday i'll be brave enough to really see myself teaching at some point.
it's not like i have any big commitments holding me back from anything. i'm not the one getting married this summer (cough*Sarah*cough) and i'm not trying to hold down a job.
maybe i will study language and literature in Ireland...

My world is revolving to the music of Nick Cave, Beach House, Joanna Newsom (left) and The Chapin Sisters. i suppose they are all quite melancholy and/or dreamy...but that's just how i'm feeling lately. thinking a lot about running tirelessly. of skin, flying machines and soft touches. of orange flowers, love and silver leaf.

yesterday and today i have been a bit out of sorts. certain things in my life just won't let me go...i'm having a hard time being content. i hate fear because it cripples me. i hate loneliness because it drains me. i hate doubt because it makes me apathetic. i hate feeling like i'm missing something from my life because God has given me everything i need...
...but Lord what about something tangible to cling to...

for the first time i'm getting worried about where this world is going. mostly because i really want to have children someday (Lord willing) but not if things keep spiraling downward the way they are. i guess it's not up to me.

i don't know if i'll do much painting today. i'm going to force myself to do an oil sketch of Nick onto my final canvas and maybe that will get my blood flowing a bit.

i want to write a novel.

i really would like to sing a lot more.


where's my palate...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i think it's funny that lately i've been thinking about how God is fascinating. it seems like something i shouldn't even have to say...

a message was given at church a couple of weeks ago that dealt with love, and suffering. it seems like so many things i have been learning lately...are things i already know. but i don't know them like i should. hearing things put into their simplest possible form can tell you more than years of study...

the Essence of Love...
is the desire to be one with another.

i know...duh...but i think this is important...

the Purest form of Love...
is Love that desires to impart itself

love is about the giving up of your own desires. the hardest thing in this life...especially in this age of individuality and self-centeredness.
it's all about what makes ME happy. all that matters is how this situation affects ME. what can I get out of this?
why do you think 50% of marriages don't work out...? God didn't design marriage to make us happy, but to make us whole. to work out what it is to love with every part of you, even the part that says "it's not fair"...and then that is where happiness and joy comes from. it's not easy, but it's beautiful.

Christ didn't let fairness determine his decision to give up His life and His connection to His Father for us. what if he had?
what if he had said, "i don't deserve this, i've done nothing wrong, they dug themselves into this hole they can live in it." and allowed the angels to carry Him away...unharmed...unscathed...

if He could do lower Himself the way He did...how much more can i smile at someone who criticizes me? be patient with someone who offends me? love someone who "doesn't deserve it...?"

i don't know. yadda yadda. i guess i've just been confronted with this a lot...about what love really is to me.

i have a lot more to write but that's all for now...


~~~~~~~~~~

think of a wonderful thought

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
~ C.S. Lewis

how often does our life feel this way...?
...i think about this quote a lot. Quite a lot. especially when i am hit with the almost uncontrollable urge to fly.
yes, that's exactly what i said. sometimes i want to fly so badly i almost feel like i'm crawling out of my skin.

yesterday i was musing to Edan about how, at times, i could compare my thirst for flight to a desperate thirst for water. not being able to quench it feels unnatural, wrong, sometimes almost excruciating.
to which he replied: "I can fly."
i ignored him. "seriously, though...i really think--"
"I can fly," he said again.
"no you can't! i just wish--"
"yes I can"
i let out an aggrivated sigh. how dare he interrupt my lofty expoundings??
"I can! I can fly!"
"No you--" Suddenly i realized he was telling the truth. Sort of.
"Oh yea," i said. "You can fly a plane."
"yup!" he replied triumphantly.
"that doesn't count."

i have had so many dreams about being able to fly. sometimes when i can't sleep i imagine what it would be like to fly from my apartment so school, or to Pasadena where i could surprise my sister. i can be the star of my own heroic adventures...
i once thought up a pretty elaborate graphic novel about someone who discovers they can fly...but i never even drew a single picture. don't you dare steal that...i may just try to flesh it out someday!
i'm a little bit obsessed with it. but i don't talk about it much because...well, what's the point? at least being overly interested in things like clouds, cheese or Quenyan can serve some purpose to something...in that at least they exist...

anyway. this week i have badly wanted to fly. and it's been really frustrating because sometimes i literally feel like i'll explode. it's a terrible itch, a burning in my chest, a rock in the pit of my stomach...
if i could just push myself a few inches from the floor...


that's all i guess.
i'm going to go home now and draw all night. tomorrow's going to be fuuun...



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wow i'm really tired right now.

Saturday i "helped" Pip pack up his room (he's moving). we listened to lots of music and watched lots of youtube.
Sarah and Alec are in Texas, mom is sick, and today i had Chinese food in a B-rated restaurant with GP Floyd, dad, Jeff (who wore his new J Crew tie), and Melanie and Ed and their kids. i got some good quotes.

i drove to Laguna, where i am now, and i've done about a half-hour's worth of work on my painting but i think i'm spent. i was going to do homework...but i think i'll just drive home (Orange) instead.
i always wish i could hang out with people down here more but i'm too afraid to call them. even my closest friends. i'm getting a lot better, though! i am!

i've been having dreams about Grandma and Grandpa, that they are alive and living with us again and i am taking care of them just like i always did. i wake up feeling like i haven't slept, and feeling very bittersweet.
i'm debating whether or not to type up a very strange and unsettling dream i had 2 nights ago. it's pretty intense...

for the first time this semester i'm kind of dreading the coming week of school...not for the old reasons (social anxieties) but because i'm just feeling burnt out. physically and emotionally. i feel like i'm placing my hopes on too many unstable surfaces, relying on shaky support.
i need to rely on Jesus completely.

why can't i...?


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this morning

i was thinking about my friends who are suffering. seeing Pip last night and not being able to hug him enough...seeing my friend Ashlee today and wishing i could say something wonderful...thinking of Bettina, talking to Edan, my sister, praying for Laurel, my cousins, Amaris, Kristina, her sister, Searcy, Katie, Andrew, Mollie, the Bishops, so many...

and i said to God...

God, internal pain hurts. i can see it on faces. i'm almost finished with my first painting. and there are some new ideas percolating. we'll see.

Ephesians 2:4-8


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i think...i think...that God has freed me of some things. how this has happened i won't yet say...i've been writing a lot...reading some amazing things...seeing a pattern...

now don't get too excited, colleen. there's a lot that's going to happen soon that will either prove this or dismantle it. i know i still have so much damn fear in me...so much that i almost can't type this because of how much i'm afraid that it's not really true...

but i can't help being a little excited...and terribly scared...but still there's that little bit of excited. it helps.

can't i just trust You...?

Dear Lord.


~

Lord help me...

"The fight to which we have been called is not an easy fight. We are touching the very centre of the devil's power and kingdom, and he hates us intensely and fights hard against us. We have no chance at all of winning in this fight unless we are disciplined soldiers, utterly out-and-out uncompromising, and men and women of prayer.

So first, give much time to quietness. We have to get our help for the most part direct from our God. We are here to help, not to be helped, and we must each one of us learn to walk with God alone and feed on His word so as to be nourished. Don't only read and pray; listen. And don't evade the slightest whisper of guidance that comes. God make you very sensitive, and very obedient.

Fill up the crevices of time with the things that matter most. This will cost something, but it is worth it. 'Seek ye my face. My heart said unto Thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.' No one is of much use who does not truly want to learn what it means to pray and listen and definitely choose the life that is hid with Christ in God.

Keep close, keep close. If you are close, you will be keen. Your heart will be set on the things that abide. You will drink of His spirit and you will thirst for souls even as He thirsts. You will not be attracted by the world that crucified Him, but you will love the people in that world who have never seen His beauty and are losing so much more than they know. You will live to share your joy in Him. Nothing else will count for much.

All this will be, if you walk with Him with a visible Companion, from dawn through all the hours till you go to sleep at night. And your nights may be holy too, every waking moment a loving turning to Him who is watching over you sleep as your Mother [or Father] watched over it when you were a tiny child.

Your dear ones: commit them to Him. It is the Wounded Hands that part you. That was said to me when the stabbing pain of parting was almost too much to bear. It was the thought of their pain that broke me; it may be like that with you. Then take the word that comforted me: it is the wounded hands that part you, one on them, the other on you, and He will not leave them comfortless. It is hard to say goodbyes, like being torn in pieces without chloroform. But it is for His sake; that carries one through."


~Amy Carmichael


Lord help me to remember how to be like You, to draw people in, and even to let people go. Because i find myself loving to strongly it hurts to even be near people, but aching with longing when i'm not with them, whether they love You or not. Indeed, the more people are hurting and confused, the stronger these emotions become in me.

Jesus when i'm quiet i'm often not being so with You. i'm doing anything and everything else that seems more pressing, more fun, more important. But what is more pressing than fulfilling my role in the setting free these precious ones? Your beloved children, my incredible friends, loved ones and sharers of this life trapped in the colorful illusion of a world utterly devoid of joy, promise and salvation...?

Lord God, i'm overwhelmed. Thank You for saints like Amy Carmichael who lived to exemplify what we all should be striving for. What i should be hoping for.

Jesus help me to be willing to pay the cost. Because as much as i want to, i don't know if i can when the pressing comes. But it's not for my sake...it's for Yours. it's for theirs.

Don't let me wander on in twilight any longer...



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i think i'm willing to pay

David A. Glen is a man who desires what most see as the unattainable…that is…truth. He is the chief operations officer of an organization called PROGENY and a documentary photographer who has traveled all over the world. Recently he came to one of my classes at LCAD as a guest speaker. We were treated to a fascinating examination and discussion of the importance of truth and ethics in art, and why it is different for everyone…and why maybe it shouldn’t be different for everyone…after all, truth is truth, right?

Art documents the human condition. No one can deny that. Even art that seems to be meaningless and superficial still says something about the person who created it, that person being a human being, and thus exhibiting an expression of their humanity.
David made the point that most of the artists of the past were essentially documentarians recording our physical, emotional and spiritual history. I appreciated his drive to record not only fear, sadness, pain and suffering…but also joy, amusement and beauty. He shared that often the most difficult thing for him to do is to remain honest. His purpose is to witness and record history…to take pictures, not make them; and through it all to remain unbiased, casting aside all semantics and all ambiguity.

At one point Michael Moore was brought up. Concerning him, David said, to my amusement and relief: “Michael Moore is the most damaging thing that has ever happened to documentarians in the history of the art. Because he has an agenda. He is not interested in the truth.” This was something I had been thinking about as he spoke, and I could sense his bitterness towards the man who had stripped his life’s passion of so much credence and integrity. I feel the same way about what legalism and manmade religion has done to the beauty and light of Christianity.

Staying honest is an essential part of maintaining one’s humanity. David stressed that losing his humanity would be detrimental to his pictures, not to mention himself. He never wants to become numb to what is around him; great photographers, he said, are never desensitized. There is a large personal price to pay for allowing yourself to become so personally involved in the tragedy of people’s lives…but you have to care. If you lose that, the photos become mere sensationalism. Once you become calloused to tragedy or joy, once you lose your humanity, the work is no longer honest. It turns into superficial pandering, merely something terrible or strange or amazing that people scramble to see. And where is the truth in that?

Motives in any art are apparent in the final output. We were told that there is a fine line between expressing yourself and your beliefs…and distorting truth and reality. “Without truth you are nothing,” David said. The unvarnished truth is not meant to be comfortable. He expressed his opinion that true art can “get people back on track”…it is not “art for art’s sake”. I don’t know what every other person in the room thought of that, but I happen to agree with it. I also agree with what David said when he asked this question: “Is there such a thing as totally unbiased objectivity?” His answer was, of course, no. But that’s what it is to be human…each person different from another…no one creates or expresses themselves in exactly the same way. Whether or not your biases make it into the work, by grasping for the truth, you can be assured of the utmost purity in the outcome whether it be paintings of kittens or photographs of a cold-blooded massacre at a school.

As far as the ethical aspects were concerned, in this case, the issue was the question of right or wrong in the photography of dead and dying children. After seeing a slide show of the tragic, awful terrorism that took place in 2004 in a Russian elementary school we were asked, do pictures like this serve a purpose? Most of the class said yes…illumination, awareness, understanding. But the few opposing voices were just as strong, saying they were too disturbing, too gruesome, and that it was just plain insensitive to show them in a classroom.

I tend to side more with the former argument, that seeing things like this are indeed necessary, especially for Americans. I don’t want to be sheltered from this, to
Continue to believe that this fantasy world that I live in is what is normal. Some people, rather, most people wake up to see this kind of pain and heartbreak every day. My only connection to that is seeing footage like this…and I even have the freedom to choose whether or not I want to look at it! It is so far from what I consider reality…I am blessed beyond belief. And so very grateful.

~

Anyway, i found the class to be extremely fascinating...there is a link to the organization's website below.
What this has to do with my own aims and desires for what i hope to accomplish artistically is still vague to me...except that i am striving for truth...and how that is expressed in individual people (redundant?). Is that my goal in my love for portraiture...? Maybe not entirely...but i know it's part of it. The Lord will fill in the rest.

~

www.childrenunderfire.org



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i'm tired, Lord.

i'm frustrated with my self and not knowing how to handle what should be tolerable, if not simple, normalcy.

usually i'm content to not be around anyone...but today, right now, i'm so scared of being alone. i just don't want to be alone.

When one's mind swings so wildly from side to side a great many times a day it's hard to keep track of the time. But you still want to smile, walk, see the people you love, get work done. And you try, even if it means not saying what you need to...breathing the bad air...sitting quiet and motionless in front of your easel with a pencil in your hand. You can hear the clock ticking, there is no one in the studio but you, but still you don't play any music because you don't want to get tired of your favorite songs...

i don't even know what i'm waiting for. i guess i'm just waiting to feel worthy of inspiration again.


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