love you all

seeing what is hidden

you know what?
peace can come at very very strange times. like right now, in the midst of a lot of upheaval...i am feeling a measure of peace i have not felt in...goodness...almost a year...??

the only annoying thing is that because i am so ridiculously emotional and sometimes hopelessly irrational, the peace ebbs in and out...but it is getting better. i know tears are not finished...yet that is just what it is to be colleen.

yesterday i met in bittersweetness with a dear friend. sitting at a Starbucks on the shores of Laguna we danced around the proverbial elephant for nearly 4 hours. "life is still weird" he said, with his head in his hand. at one point i shared with him something Amy Carmichael wrote:

"Our God does satisfy. i think sometimes He has to draw us into strange experiences in order that we shall prove Him to the uttermost, for some purpose out of sight.
For what is He preparing us? It is all hidden, we have only hints in the Gospels and in Revelation. 'His servants shall serve Him'--where? how? But this we do know: never a pang of disappointment or loneliness or pain (there are many kinds of pangs) but may be turned to minister towards a perfecting of power to serve--first here on earth, then Otherwhere."
~Candles in the Dark

Our discussion turned to the goal of God's preparation for our lives, and he asked what we could possibly be prepared for that would be used in heaven...instead of here...
i said in all honesty that i didn't know. we have no idea what is in store for us. the effort it takes to try and forget the representations, both visual and lyrical, that have influenced us concerning our afterlife over the centuries--Baroque churches, El Greco, Dante, even our beloved Clive Staples--makes it nearly impossible to believe in something about which "eye has not seen nor ear has heard".
but it think it is worth the headache.

The wedding is just over 2 weeks away. The house is overflowing with chaos, fellowship, short tempers, laughter, smiles, frustration, exhaustion and love. even in this case, sometimes the "goal" of all this activity can seem hidden, despite how obvious it is. we just sometimes forget to remember it...and instead focus what really will have no importance whatsoever once August 8th is come and gone.

Grandpa Floyd said in his message on Sunday that God often appears weak...He doesn't force us to do anything.
However, Satan does...and so seems to have the upper hand.

God's seeming weakness is our opportunity to allow Him Lordship by our constant submission to His hand. Trusting Him is an active thing. our relationship with Jesus is called a "walk" because it takes movement on our part. i forget that even waiting on God is an active thing...requiring trust and stepping out...


even if it's in blindness...


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Chapter 1

I have been thinking a lot about where i am.
i know, weird.

I graduated yesterday from LCAD. Summa Cum Laude, with art i am proud of, and so many people around me that i have fallen in love with i can hardly even hold it in. i am such a different person than i was 3 years ago...my mind is different, my outlook is different, i wrestled with doubts, fears, sadness, and experienced countless times of faithfulness from the Lord, in spite of myself.

All i can do is thank and praise Him with all my heart. and for the prayers and support of my family, my friends, of you...

i feel like everything leading up to now has been a prologue to my life story, and now it can finally begin...

RAD.


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i think it's funny that lately i've been thinking about how God is fascinating. it seems like something i shouldn't even have to say...

a message was given at church a couple of weeks ago that dealt with love, and suffering. it seems like so many things i have been learning lately...are things i already know. but i don't know them like i should. hearing things put into their simplest possible form can tell you more than years of study...

the Essence of Love...
is the desire to be one with another.

i know...duh...but i think this is important...

the Purest form of Love...
is Love that desires to impart itself

love is about the giving up of your own desires. the hardest thing in this life...especially in this age of individuality and self-centeredness.
it's all about what makes ME happy. all that matters is how this situation affects ME. what can I get out of this?
why do you think 50% of marriages don't work out...? God didn't design marriage to make us happy, but to make us whole. to work out what it is to love with every part of you, even the part that says "it's not fair"...and then that is where happiness and joy comes from. it's not easy, but it's beautiful.

Christ didn't let fairness determine his decision to give up His life and His connection to His Father for us. what if he had?
what if he had said, "i don't deserve this, i've done nothing wrong, they dug themselves into this hole they can live in it." and allowed the angels to carry Him away...unharmed...unscathed...

if He could do lower Himself the way He did...how much more can i smile at someone who criticizes me? be patient with someone who offends me? love someone who "doesn't deserve it...?"

i don't know. yadda yadda. i guess i've just been confronted with this a lot...about what love really is to me.

i have a lot more to write but that's all for now...


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