hey everyone, please be praying for gwennie...a few days ago she got very sick, and she's been in the hospital since yesterday. they diagnosed her with pnemonia and about an hour ago they admitted her to the ICU. i don't know if it's H1N1...she is very susceptible and weak, so please lift up prayers of healing for gwen, and strength for joey, ginger and caid...thank you...

the vital connection

"Beware of the tendency of asking the way when you know it perfectly well."

~Oswald Chambers (again)

i came to terms a long time ago with the fact that i am ridiculously afraid of always making the wrong decision or doing the wrong thing. i don't know how i have come to be this way...but there it is! it's a daily struggle to be so uncertain and insecure and completely un-trusting of myself, and i know that i'm not the only person who experiences this. though sometimes i feel like i am.
i realize it's not necessarily a bad thing to be untrusting of oneself...in fact it can be a very good thing.
i believe there are many times where, in my hesitation, i have been spared very unpleasant experiences...on the other hand it has also held me back from what could have been very good and worthy ones.
So often it makes it hard to discern what i feel is the Lord's will from my own.

How much do i invest myself in people and things? Do i wait, Lord? Do i move ahead? Do i buy that plane ticket to Ireland? Do i reach out personally to someone who hurting? Do i commit to a career in animation or teaching? et cetera...

Or do i already know God's leading and i'm just too afraid of mistaking it for my own desire.
Because believe me, i know what i desire in these things and more...that is definitely not the problem. Or, you could say, it's a huge part!

What i hope for, more than anything else is that my interests be identified with Christ's.

Chambers also writes about intercession (which i feel ties in to all this)...

"Identification is the key to intercession, and whenever we stop being identified with God, it is by sympathy, not by sin. It is not likely that sin will interfere with our relationship to God, but sympathy will, sympathy with ourselves or with others which makes us say--'I will not allow that thing to happen.' Instantly we are out of vital connection with God."

This is such a loaded statement...i'll leave you to your own thoughts about it.
Just to say it spoke to me deeply in 2 ways...obviously, in how i pray for other people, and in how i discern what God's desires are in daily living.

i yearn for that vital connection, for that identification. Whether it be what to read in the morning, to praying for a drug-addicted loved one, to where i will be living in 3 months.

Proverbs 19:21...Thank God.

~

in other news:
i am having surgery tomorrow! it's funny...it took me (literally) years to finally make the decision to move forward with it (how appropriate). don't worry it's nothing life-threatening. "elective but medically necessary". it's a relatively personal procedure, but i don't really care if people know or not. i'm just not comfortable with posting details online.
i hope i will be able to make it to the oakbridge retreat in a couple of weeks...but if i don't you know why! and if i do, you will know why i won't be able to hug anyone. ha.
i'm a bit nervous, and the first week won't be much fun...so prayers are appreciated, please. :) thanks lovely people.

Dear Lord,

is there a way i could draw people, write, sing, and/or travel for the rest of my life? is there?
please let me know soon. if not, could You show me what to do instead? Thank You...

love, colleen

ps...Beach House was wonderful. Thank You Jesus for the beauty of music...


~

whelmed-over

here are some pictures of me presenting on Friday (painting of Nick very unfinished)...

i am madly getting myself ready for my show wednesday. probably won't sleep much in the next 3 days...and i'm already exhausted.

lots going on...lots of people in trials and under pressure...just found out that one of my classmates has been pronounced brain-dead after being sick with pneumonia...it's really hard to stay focused. please pray...!

updates later...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i sat for a really long time but couldn't think of a title

so so very sleepy.
i don't really have time to post right now, but i'll get backed up and everything if i don't. last sunday Bettina came out and visited. we got dinner, went to a krispy kreme drive-thru and then went to the beach to enjoy them...


Christian, Danny and Robin taking a break from painting...

the last time i posted, i wrote about going to hang out with Phill, Red and Tiffany. we watched Zatoichi the Blind Swordman and Amadeus...




So, Bettina is graduating from nursing school this summer and is applying to hospitals for work. Friday, she and i got breakfast and coffee, and then visited my aunt Alice who works at Hoag hospital. we dressed up all in scrubs (which was only fun for me, really) and got to see some amazing things. we witnessed a couple of surgeries, got to see the pathology workers and touch weird stuff, and then Alice took us to dinner with a friend. Afterward Bettina and i went to hang out with some of my amazing friends from school.















in my studio sending a picture message...

Today i barely made it to church...but i'm glad i veered right onto the 605 at the last second...because i really needed to hear the message. i really needed to hear it.
my lovely family...and lovely pregnant Ginger and Anna...and, um, whatever Alec is doing...

as usual, Caid was a little too cute for my mental health...





Puppies are growing...








aren't they beautiful?

i think it's safe to say i hit a serious physical, emotional and spiritual wall this weekend. i have felt under vicious attack in every aspect of my life...dealing with a lot of confusion, guilt, heartache and self-condemnation.
someone at church today told me that they felt a burden for me this week and had been praying for me. it meant so much...
right this moment my body and spirit feel such weariness...i don't really know how to survive the next three weeks...

i wrote this in my moleskine 5 days ago...

Lord God...
I know You won't grow weary
of me asking the same
things every day...but i will.
So please give me patience to press on...
Lord i know that You won't
give up on Your children...but
i will. So please give me Your
love and endurance.

Today i feel Bitterness and fatigue.
How do i find Your overflowing joy & peace?

Search me and teach me, today, oh Lord.
i pray Thee...

i will be saying that every day for a long time.

"...but He giveth more grace..."

at least there's that...there's always that...
oh sigh



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this morning

i was thinking about my friends who are suffering. seeing Pip last night and not being able to hug him enough...seeing my friend Ashlee today and wishing i could say something wonderful...thinking of Bettina, talking to Edan, my sister, praying for Laurel, my cousins, Amaris, Kristina, her sister, Searcy, Katie, Andrew, Mollie, the Bishops, so many...

and i said to God...

God, internal pain hurts. i can see it on faces. i'm almost finished with my first painting. and there are some new ideas percolating. we'll see.

Ephesians 2:4-8


~~~~~

i think...i think...that God has freed me of some things. how this has happened i won't yet say...i've been writing a lot...reading some amazing things...seeing a pattern...

now don't get too excited, colleen. there's a lot that's going to happen soon that will either prove this or dismantle it. i know i still have so much damn fear in me...so much that i almost can't type this because of how much i'm afraid that it's not really true...

but i can't help being a little excited...and terribly scared...but still there's that little bit of excited. it helps.

can't i just trust You...?

Dear Lord.


~

Lord help me...

"The fight to which we have been called is not an easy fight. We are touching the very centre of the devil's power and kingdom, and he hates us intensely and fights hard against us. We have no chance at all of winning in this fight unless we are disciplined soldiers, utterly out-and-out uncompromising, and men and women of prayer.

So first, give much time to quietness. We have to get our help for the most part direct from our God. We are here to help, not to be helped, and we must each one of us learn to walk with God alone and feed on His word so as to be nourished. Don't only read and pray; listen. And don't evade the slightest whisper of guidance that comes. God make you very sensitive, and very obedient.

Fill up the crevices of time with the things that matter most. This will cost something, but it is worth it. 'Seek ye my face. My heart said unto Thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.' No one is of much use who does not truly want to learn what it means to pray and listen and definitely choose the life that is hid with Christ in God.

Keep close, keep close. If you are close, you will be keen. Your heart will be set on the things that abide. You will drink of His spirit and you will thirst for souls even as He thirsts. You will not be attracted by the world that crucified Him, but you will love the people in that world who have never seen His beauty and are losing so much more than they know. You will live to share your joy in Him. Nothing else will count for much.

All this will be, if you walk with Him with a visible Companion, from dawn through all the hours till you go to sleep at night. And your nights may be holy too, every waking moment a loving turning to Him who is watching over you sleep as your Mother [or Father] watched over it when you were a tiny child.

Your dear ones: commit them to Him. It is the Wounded Hands that part you. That was said to me when the stabbing pain of parting was almost too much to bear. It was the thought of their pain that broke me; it may be like that with you. Then take the word that comforted me: it is the wounded hands that part you, one on them, the other on you, and He will not leave them comfortless. It is hard to say goodbyes, like being torn in pieces without chloroform. But it is for His sake; that carries one through."


~Amy Carmichael


Lord help me to remember how to be like You, to draw people in, and even to let people go. Because i find myself loving to strongly it hurts to even be near people, but aching with longing when i'm not with them, whether they love You or not. Indeed, the more people are hurting and confused, the stronger these emotions become in me.

Jesus when i'm quiet i'm often not being so with You. i'm doing anything and everything else that seems more pressing, more fun, more important. But what is more pressing than fulfilling my role in the setting free these precious ones? Your beloved children, my incredible friends, loved ones and sharers of this life trapped in the colorful illusion of a world utterly devoid of joy, promise and salvation...?

Lord God, i'm overwhelmed. Thank You for saints like Amy Carmichael who lived to exemplify what we all should be striving for. What i should be hoping for.

Jesus help me to be willing to pay the cost. Because as much as i want to, i don't know if i can when the pressing comes. But it's not for my sake...it's for Yours. it's for theirs.

Don't let me wander on in twilight any longer...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lord is good

Tonight was amazing. Instead of a bible study, which we usually have on Friday nights, we decided to just have a prayer meeting because so many people were out of town for the holiday weekend. So it was 4 of my friends, my sister, my cousin, my parents, and two other people from my church, and we all shared our requests with each other.
Everyone, of course had something to share. No life is without some need.

It took some mustering up of courage on my part, but I finally told them about my struggles I've been having with the Lord. How I need to pray more, how I need God to be more real to me, because when I'm apart from Him, I'm at my worst. I've been very depressed the past few months...maybe years...I can't even remember when i wasn't, really. I do know it's gotten worse...and i know it's because I've been neglecting my walk with Jesus. Thank God i have such a wonderful family and amazing friends that share such a fire for the Lord's will in their lives.

And they all prayed for me, and I praised God for just letting me be there, so I could ask for their help, and so He could enter in and cover me with His love. it was wondeful. I pray the world will come to know what peace and hope the Lord can bring into the darkest of hearts.

And mine was so dark. I'm ashamed to say it. You know when you feel so angry and sad and despairing that you feel dirty inside? That was me...heck it still is me. I'm just so glad I can look to something besides myself to pick me up out of the filthy hole I've found myself in. It will take a while. I need the Lord's help so badly. It won't be easy. I need His strength.

Sigh. What a strange thing...to be so loved yet feel so hateful towards yourself all the same. It will be nice if someday I can look at myself and be glad with the person God has made me.