remembering

Grandma died a year ago today...i can't believe how fast 12 months can go by and how much can change. i still miss her, and it's often still strange that she is not here anymore. yet she belongs to a time in my life that seems so far away and long ago...

For my own weirdness...here's a little look back at some posts concerning my grandma...

2004

Monday August 30

Saturday September 11

Thursday September 16

Saturday November 6

Friday November 19

2005

Thursday January 6
The written prayer

Monday January 31

Sunday March 27

Saturday, April 9

Wednesday June 8

2006

Friday, April 14

Thursday December 21

2007

Thursday January 4

Friday January 5

Monday January 8

Wednesday January 17

good show!

Well, it's 1am and Blogger will mark this as a Saturday post so...i'll refer to tonight as "last night..."

So last night was the reception for the exhibition of the artwork inspired by the trip to Europe last summer...and i put my epic painting in it. Remember the painting i was all panicked about a few months ago? Well that was the one...yes, i actually did finish it. It kind of took on a life of its own and turned out quite different than what i had expected it to. I entitled it "Hope".
I got amazingly encouraging feedback about it last night as the gallery was crowded with students, teachers and various perusers of artwork. And guess what? it sold! Someone bought it! I couldn't believe it!! So that was wonderful.

Here's a picture of me next to it taken a few days ago. i'm still waiting to get a good photograph of the actual painting because it looks so much different in person. There is a lot more color and subtlety. And i'm picky when it comes to how my work is reproduced...which i should probably get over because no reproduction is ever exactly like the original...but still.

So next week it's being shipped off to a private collection in Maryland...wow! sniff. i'll miss my painting...it was such a labor of love and hate and epiphany and frustration...sigh.

~~~~~

At around 8 i'm getting up...my grandmother's memorial service is a 10:30. I don't really know how i feel about it...i'm kind of dreading it. It will be a celebration of her life, and as Christians we're all so joyful that she's with Jesus now...but my grandma was Catholic, so it will be at the church that she and my grandpa went to years ago. I really really don't like ritualistic funerals...but at least my family and i get to sing some hymns. I'm glad we could slip some of that into the liturgy. My sincere apologies to any Catholics out there...but i'm just not a fan of liturgies.

Well i should go to bed. First i have to get Sarah to clear off the sofa so i can pull out the bed and go to sleep. My uncle Steve is staying where i sleep in the office, and my cousins Beth and Kat (and Kat's 2 month old baby Sophia) are in my grandma's bedroom. Full house once again...

tired.
good night...


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Kingdom Come

I was looking through some of my archived posts. I have so many about grandma and grandpa...
This was almost two years ago...

That Little Phrase

It was very strange coming home from Laguna to an empty house. I always thought i would like it more...
i still haven't grasped the fact that she's not here...it's still unreal. I think it's going to take a long time. Isn't it weird when your head and your heart just can't get along?


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Deep breath...

Grandma passed this morning around 4:15 am. Mom was lying next to her when she had a small heart attack and took her last couple of breaths. She came in and woke up Sarah and i and we went and stood around her bed. I was in a daze...even as i stood there looking at her i couldn't believe it was actually all over! Sarah and i went back to sleep a short while later, we were so tired. When i woke up later this morning she was gone...
"It's really weird that grandma's gone," Sarah just said to me. I am in shock right now. Our lives have literally revolved around my grandparents since we came to live with them nearly 3 years ago. And before that, i was here for about ten hours every Friday taking care of them. and now suddenly it's all over...it's incredibly eerie and disconcerting. Our lives are going to change completely...mom told me this morning she doesn't even know what to do with herself. Grandma and grandpa were why we moved here, our days have been structured around the rotation of caregivers, medications, doctor's appointments, finances...
I have seen my grandmother nearly every day of my life for the last 3 years...my brain just won't accept that i will never see her again as long as i'm alive...that when i come home on the weekends she won't be sitting at the dining room table with her newspaper and various catalogues, her feet up on a stool, a kleenex in one hand while the other is trying to take a sip of tea...
...i still haven't been able to cry. I'm just in disbelief.
Mom busied herself with taking ornaments off the little tree that was in the studio. Emotionally, she's been up and down. There is so much joy knowing that her mother's suffering is over...but she already misses her so. When we moved in here it was the first time mom had ever had a good relationship with my grandma...so the last few years, though extremely difficult, have also been very healing for her. She was able to truly love and respect her mother for the very first time. We have laughed with her...gotten frustrated with her...sang with her...marvelled at her unflappable spirit of contentment...oh Lord God i'm going to miss her so much...

I made mom and Sarah breakfast (poached eggs on toast) and we sat by the fire. Then it rained...and the dogs ran into the house all wet and excited. As we were sitting in the living room, Aunt Wren walked in carrying Caid and we all lit up. He brought a very welcome little ray of happiness as he walked around tryign to keep the dogs from licking his face off. "oo! oo! oo!" He said to them (that's his dog imitation...). Caid and my uncle John played with blocks while Wren talked to mom. Caid played with the dogs. Sarah then sat down at the piano and fiddled around with some melodies, much to Caid's delight. I sat him next to her and he went at it...







a little applause...









The sun is out now and it is so so beautiful outside...
I drive back to Orange again tonight...school in the morning...yea. That ought to be interesting! :P
My head is tired. I just messed up typing tired 4 times. There is more to write but my fingers are all blahguhfkajbmish. So i'll hold more thoughts for later when i don't have to retype every single word!


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I'm back home tonight...i came right after school. When i arrived Jeannie and Jan were here, then my aunt Wren came and we all sang to grandma. i know she heard us because at one point i could tell she almost started crying. She is so close...
She's really fighting to breathe right now. We've been telling her how wonderful it is that she's about to go to paradise to meet Jesus, in a new body, glorified and perfect...

It was strange to be back at LCAD today...trying to assume an air of normalcy despite my heavy spirit. I didn't feel like i was really there. I was okay until i had to talk to somebody one on one. When people asked me how my break was i almost laughed...then told them it was good and changed the subject. :P
i kind of feel bad...i wasn't very talkative...but it was alright. I've got some really interesting classes this time around.

I was also interviewed for an article that will be in a couple of local papers (concerning my artwork that is up in the gallery right now), so that was neato. I told her about the trip to Vienna and Prague last summer and how it inspired my work and how it inspired the painting...&c &c. I wish my head had been clearer...and i apologised to the woman who i was talking to. She knew the situation i was in and reassured me that i was doing just fine and that i was "very quotable". (:
then i drove home, which only took about two hours today.

oh sigh, life is weird. i don't know what i'm feeling...with everything that has gone on in the last month i am so so tired...don't you ever just feel so exhausted in both body and soul that no amount of rest could ever seem to relieve it...? i know everyone has. And you guys know i'm not trying to complain...many of you have been so wonderful to my family and to me...but i just find it so hard to talk right now...even to those i'm close to...and i want you to know why.
I'm at a loss of words and feelings...i haven't even been able to shed a tear for the last couple of days (which is very uncharacteristic of me...as i usually cry at the drop of a hat). i've even tried to...but i just feel so dry...!

i don't know if i should go to bed or not...


Lord please take her soon. Please take her home.


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My grandma is dying. I think it's safe to say that she will be gone in a few days...

i'm about to drive back to Orange...i start school in the morning. i just said good bye to my grandma. i told her how much i loved her and i told her all the things i am grateful for that she has brought to my life. She couldn't talk to me...she opened her eyes for a few seconds at one point...and every time i said i loved her she tried to mouth it back to me.
walking away from her was so hard to do...

now i have to go.


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over the weekend...

As you most likely gathered, i was down in Laguna last week.
I've been doing work at the school helping set up the gallery (which i have a painting in!), some secretarial work, and some design work as well. On Thursday evening Sarah and Alec drove down to Orange to visit me. (: We hung out a little bit and then decided to go get food. We went out to eat at the Thai House Cafe...they have some pretty mean curry.









Back at my place we hung out and looked through old pictures, sketchbooks, my diary from when i was ten years old (which was pretty hilarious), and other such things.

As the evening waned it was brought to my attention that Alec forgot to bring something to sleep in...so i gleefully dug through my drawer and found a pair of Christmas pajama pants i had forgotten about with candy canes and mugs of hot chocolate all over them. I also lent him a garishly red old t-shirt and the ensemble was complete! (the socks are his) Then i put on a mix cd Pip made me a couple of years ago titled: "Summer of Fire 1986, or, Dilapidated Grandeur". And we danced around to it until we were warm (it was a cold night) and tired. There are no pictures of this, unfortunately, because when i happen to actually participate in something it goes undocumented. oh well. I was wearing a ten-year-old pair of plaid shorts and blue striped socks up to my knees.
it was pretty sweet.
Then we said good night and Alec slept in the painting/guest room and Sarah and i retired to my room.

In the morning we headed into Laguna for breakfast at Zinc's Cafe. It was a chilly, clear gorgeous morning (despite the lack of clouds) and i ordered their last bowl of oatmeal and a Cappuccino, which Alec told me was a pretty lame one. I guess he would know, being a barista and all. But i'm not picky so i was content with it.
Zinc's is a vegetarian restaurant, which is perfect for the two weirdos i was with. Sarah and Alec both wanted to get Zinc Burgers (veggie burgers), but we had to wait until 11 am for lunch to be served. So while we were waiting Alec and i both got out our cameras. Sarah was really happy to be sitting in the middle of us at that point. hehe...




little feathered friend




I then took out my sketchbook and let Alec have at it. I shot a gazillion pictures of him drawing in it. Here are but a few...
























~~~

Then i had to hi-tail it out of there and be back in Pasadena by 1.
And that's where i got to see my clouds as i drove toward the San Gabriel Mountains...










sigh...


Saturday morning there was the women's prayer meeting. Then Sarah, Amaris and i went to lunch and got Mexican food. Sarah's burrito wasn't quite big enough...



:D






~~~
That evening was a bittersweet one...
Grandma is doing a little better now, but Saturday night she was suffering so badly. Some of my very dearest friends came over...Katie, Bettina and Pip (Alec was already there)...it was so lovely to see Katie and Bettina. i only get to see them about every ten years or so...

Sarah, Katie and Bettina

...and we all had dinner with my family and laughed and talked, and every so often gathered in my grandma's room and pray for her. Mom, Sarah Alec and i sang some hymns for her as well, to try and calm her as the spasms in her legs worsened and her breathing became even more shallow. She finally fell asleep for at least a little while.

We then migrated to the studio where we all snuggled up on the couch and watched "The Adventures of Pete and Pete"...specifically, a couple of shorts and the episode with Mr. Tastee. Then Katie and Bettina left into the frigid night. Sarah, Alec, Pip and i were so tired that we just stayed cozy on theh couch in the dimly lit room and all fell asleep for a little while. At one point i got up and got my camera and took a picture...

From the left there's Sarah, Alec and Pip...who's completely covered by the cream colored blanket.

~~~

Of course Sunday was church...



Afterwards My aunties Jeannie, Wren and Robin and our friend Jan all came to visit my grandma. She was so happy to see people...her spirits are lifting. The oxygen tank we have her "hooked up to" is helping. She still can't walk and her speaking is difficult, but it's nice to see her smile.
Then cousin Anna came by! and the 4 of us (Anna, Sarah Alec and i) went and got sushi for dinner.
It was fun hanging out with my cousin. (:

Upon arriving home, Sarah and Alec and i sat with my grandma for a good while and she talked to us about her visit to the Holy land back in the 60's (i believe). As she did so she clutched her rosary, the one my grandpa had given her, which she had taken with her as she retraced the steps and the life of Christ. She was so grateful just to have the 3 of us sit and listen to her...
Then she got too tired to talk, and i helped her take some of her many many meds we are using to try and keep her comfortable...
We really have no idea how long she has. We know she has heart failure...but my grandma has a knack for bouncing back...

I'm trying to teach myself to play the piano again...

I was telling Katie the other day that, with everything going on...both the spoken and the unspoken, i really don't know how to feel right now. Lots of conflicts of joy and sadness, pain and happiness, grief and gladness, anger and peace. Sometimes life just lacks grey areas, you know? Last night was difficult for so many reasons...

I start LCAD again tomorrow...i'm looking forward to that...but not without the side of trepidation that goes with it! It could be a lot worse though...and i'm so grateful i'm not in the same place i was last year as far as school is concerned. i also wish i could be here for grandma...
I need to go get art supplies today. Then i'll be driving back to Orange...

it's so cold right now...last night it dipped into the low 30's. That's cold for southern California! Right now it's in the 50's outside...i love it. I love the cold. As long as i'm properly attired for it.

off i go. lots to do...


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As a result of horrible negligence during her stay in the hospital, my grandma's health has taken a dramatic nosedive. Her Parkinson's has intensified nearly tenfold...she can't walk at all anymore...or even stand for that matter...she can hardly speak and she is in constant pain because the muscles in her legs and feet are cramping so badly. Her face is perpetually twisted in pain and her eyes, when not tightly shut, dart around aimlessly. Her whole body trembles...and when her muscles charlie horse all my mom and i can do is sit and massage her legs and try to keep her feet from curling up. It takes both of us...and it's a terrible feeling to have to watch someone be in that much pain and not be able to do anything to stop it.

Almost the hardest part, is that through everything that has ever happened in the last ten years, my grandma has always maintained an incredible spirit of acceptance and joy. But that person is gone...and my mom and i feel so helpless. We are giving her extra meds, muscle relaxers, &c...but it just knocks her out and she becomes a dead weight to have to move. We have a wheelchair that previously, we only used to take her out on long walks or to a museum or something, because she's always been able to get around as long as someone was helping to support her. Now it's in full time use.
She sat at the table in her wheelchair this morning as Florina (our other caregiver) fed her breakfast. Her eyes were completely closed. I put on some Frank Sinatra for her as i packed up the last of the christmas decorations and she was completely unresponsive to it. Then it made me think of my grandpa...and for almost the first time since he died i realised i miss him.
~
I'm so tired...all of this has come on the tails of a week that has been so dark and frightening...just because my mind has been increasingly disrupted and unwell and a few times i have lost control of myself. I am frustrated ashamed desperate and at a complete loss of what to even do with what is happening in my life. I don't know what to even pray for. All i've been able to say to Jesus is "Help me".

There is so much more i would like to write but i can't. And my hands are shaking.

If people could please pray for my grandma, for my mom, for Sarah (she's sick) and that i could get better so i could be a better person for all the people i know are affected by my inability to function.

Lord thank you thank you thank you...


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I'd rather be at home...

I just got back a little while ago from the hospital...we don't know what's wrong so grandma stayed the night. She just wanted to go home...but the doctors insisted we just find out what's wrong...then we can decide whether or not to treat it. i don't think she wants treatment. She told us in the ER that she knows John (my grandpa) is waiting for her and that she is going to go to him soon.

It was a long, winding couple of hours as the decision as to how to handle the situation was thrown back and forth.

"All these tests don't do any good," grandma said breathlessly. "They always come up with the same thing, and it's nothing."
The nurses told my grandma that they would get her a comfortable bed, that they would make her better, that she would get to go home soon...
"That's not the problem," my mom insisted. She was exhausted and emotionally ready to crash. "She just lost her husband. I think she just doesn't want to have to deal with all this."
The nurse (her name was Candice) looked at my mom quizzically. "But if we send her home it could get worse..." and went on for a few more sentences, implying that my grandma could die.
Mom wore an expression of weariness and said softly, "Well that may be what she wants." And looked the nurse in the eye.
Candice merely glanced through the papers on her clipboard. "Does she have a DNR [Do Not Resuscitate]?"
"Yes," mom insisted, slightly taken aback.
"Oh, she does??" exclaimed the nurse.
Mom was frustrated...this was extremely important. "That should be right there with all the information."
"Well, i'm going to go talk to the doctor. I'll be right back," she said briskly and walked out.
Grandma's breathing was shallow and her heartbeat irregular. As i watched the monitors there were seconds at a time where she just held her breath. Mom and i had to remind her to inhale.
She was hot, so Juanita and i removed her warm knitted socks and slacks. She was wet so we changed her. We got her some water...

For the next HOUR things went back and forth as three or four different medical persons walked in to enlighten us as to why she needed to remain in the hospital.
My mom started tearing up as she tried to tell the doctors that if my grandma didn't want to stay she wasn't going to make her stay. "We just went through this with my dad in May," she told them. And when all the hospital staff left the room she looked at my grandma, sitting at eye level, and said firmly, "Mom, at the end it took me three days to get them to let dad come home. I fought and fought. He told them he just wanted to come home. And i am not going to let them do that to you. I want to do exactly what you want. That is my job. It became my job when i was given the power of attourney. This is all about you." Over and over my mom asked her "What do you want to do, mommy?" Grandma focused on my mom's face, and said very slowly and quietly "I think i want to go."
"You'd rather be at home"
Grandma half closed her eyes. "I'd rather be at home," she affirmed. "I'd rather be at home...I'd rather be at home...I'd rather be at home..." and she continued to repeat the phrase, growing fainter and fainter until she was soundlessly moving her lips. She did this for two or three minutes as my mom laid her head on the bed next to her.

We told this to the nurse. Then the doctor.
Very shortly, the nurse walked in with a cell phone. My grandmother's primary physycian had called to talk to my mom. "oh, i had a feeling this would happen," mom stated knowingly. At one point my she held the phone away from her face and said to my grandma dryly, "The doctor says if you don't stay the night you'll be a very naughty girl."
"Oh nuts to her," grandma grumbled, straightening her sheet and frowning. I let out a laugh from where i was standing.
"Uh-oh, that sounds familiar," i said, referring to my grandpa.
Mom kept listening to what the doctor was saying. "Mom, Dr. Moore says that she just wants one test. Just one more and you can go home first thing in the morning." When she hung up about 5 minutes later she repeated to her, "this is your decision mom. I'm just the horrible go-between."
"Oh you're not horrible," assured grandma. "You're doing the best you can, i know."

To make a very long story short...by the time another hour had passed, after more talking, more roundabout discussion, sighs, a few more tears and one or two chuckles...it was finally decided that grandma would stay the night and have just a few more tests...only so we can figure out what's wrong. Not necessarily to treat it...but just so she can be comfortable. "I'm going to be a good girl," smiled grandma. "I'll stay."
At least five times my mom reassured my grandma saying, "Mom, i will be here at 9 am to bring you home. You will be out of here by 11 if i have to carry you out myself," said my mom.
"Oh, no, not if you have to do that!"

Mom, Dad and i stood around my grandma with our hands on her and prayed. Susan and Juanita stood nearby with their heads bowed. We kissed her goodnight. As mom kissed her, grandma said softly, "I want to feel your cheek on my face." And mom bent her head down and grandma kissed her 3 or 4 times.
When mom and i left she was being wheeled to a room with my dad and Juanita in tow. Dad actually just got home (2:15am). Juanita is spending the night there, bless her.

So, i don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if grandma could go within the next month...or ten years from now. it's very strange to think about. i don't think i can do it just yet...

i'm tired...sorry if there are mistakes. i'll fix them later.

Driving home it was blustery and cold, vegetation flying everywhere. The sky had mostly cleared, and the clouds were beautiful against the starry clean night sky.

It's now 2:30, i have to leave to pick up Sarah from the train station in about 3 hours. Thank goodness Pip is coming with me so i won't fall asleep driving...
i'm excited to see Sarah. (:

i'm going to try to at least get a couple of hours. oh holy mackerel.


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Well, i was just going to write about some stuff, but i was...shall you say...interrupted.
An ambulance service just left with my grandma to take her to the hospital...she was having trouble breathing...so we're hoping everything is okay. Dad and Juanita went with them. Mom and i are going to get some dinner and then we're heading over there ourselves.

The best part is...it's raining! As the EMTs were securing grandma to the gurney my mom joked with her saying..."You just had to pick the night it started raining, huh mom?"
"Well, of course," my grandma said quietly back with a little smile.

i held the umbrella over my grandma's head as she was rolled outside with a poncho draped over her. it was quite amusing. I think she's going to be alright...we're just being safe...sigh.

It's amazing how much less stressful it is to call a service as opposed to 911. No fire engines, no 6 big men stomping around in their flashy uniforms with walkie talkies...anyway...

more later...i gots to go

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Mom and i took Grandma to the Huntington Library today...er...yesterday...
These are some pictures of us in the Japanese Garden and the Bonsai Garden, the woman with us is Juanita, our wonderful caregiver...













...it was quite beautiful, and Grandma just loved it.

i think i'm getting sick.

yuck...


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