sorry...

i hope no one thinks that i feel i have any righteousness of my own...
apart from Christ i am nothing.
i deserve nothing.

i wrote the previous post out of a burden that has been placed on my heart...

i realize i need to be careful what i write about.
i was just expressing some thoughts and i didn't mean to anger anyone.

love, colleen

~

proposing truth

There are so many things that are difficult about being a Christian who is serious about God's word, and who Christ has called us to be in this world.
One of these, as anyone can attest, is being persecuted for our faith...being mocked and abused for our silly, "outdated" and "bigoted" beliefs.

Lately there has been another burden on my spirit.
For me there is also the pain of knowing that people around me who i love very dearly, who are not the Lord's, are also, in some cases, are feeling persecuted by us.

Don't worry, i know that this is essentially not true. (except where you do see the crazies on "our side" who act out in hate)
But i guess that one of the many stirring and eye-opening aspects of being close to people who are not saved, is seeing things from their point of view. A fallen one, granted, but it would be the exact way i would look at things if God had not already revealed Himself and His ways to me.

Because, to put it simply, The Lord's ways are not fair.
they are only right.

Why should my moral views make any sense to someone who doesn't believe in absolute truth? or in the sacredness of the Bible?
What does it mean to them what marriage symbolizes, and why it even exists...?

I have a friend who i care for very much who i went to school with. He is a talented artist, a generous person, and a genuinely kind and lovely human being. he has encouraged me and supported me and confided in me. He is also gay--which makes no difference in how much i love him. i don't even think about it. But it does drive an invisible, yet very solid line between us. It is a line that i have not yet had to try and cross, but the way things are going these days...

Yesterday he wrote a "note" on facebook (kind of like a blog post) for everyone he is "friends" with to read. It struck me deeply, and is a big part of what prompted me to think about all this.
Before i go on i'll let you read it for yourself...

Prop 8 Allegory

"What do you think an artist is?" Picasso once responded during an interview. "An imbecile who has only eyes if he's a painter, or ears if he's a musician, or a lyre at every level of his heart if he's a poet, or even if he's a boxer, just his muscles? On the contrary, he's at the same time a political being, constantly alive to heartrending, fiery, or happy events to which he responds in every way."

A friend called the other day and asked what "Yes on Prop 8" meant, and I told her. She said that there were dozens of people, dressed in yellow on Aliso Creek Road holding up signs that read "Restore Marriage" and cheering. Entire families, children absorbing their parents anxieties, learning how to see in black and white, learning that it's dangerous to see all those colors.

"That's what I thought," my friend responded. "That's fucked up." She said that she and another friend of mine were going to throw things at them, have a meeting of the Reptilian minds. I laughed and cried at this. My own feelings on the this perpetual debate have always been fragmented, since I first learned of it at the age of 14 when it was called Prop 22 and I naively assumed that civil liberties was just something that the modern world all kind of agreed upon. I remember being at Moonlight beach, surfing with my best friend during our freshman year of high school when I asked his opinion and he told me that he didn't think they should get married, "because it's gross."

I have felt angry and wanted to throw things myself, when I have seen them standing on the corner there, all the yellow merging into a single form. I wanted to yell in their faces about how wrong they were. My mind was detached and primal, they felt so separate from me, their prejudices so foreign.

I took a rose from my car that had been given to me the night before and that I had not removed from its place on the front seat. My throat felt swollen and dry as I walked up to the yellow beast. It pulsated there in front of me, thinking it was everything that I was not and daring me to prove it otherwise. I searched the moral behemoth and found a woman inside of it, writhing. She was a mother, I saw, with a son of about 9 years old who had prominent ears that he will undoubtedly later pay for.

Maybe it was her that first connected with me, or maybe it was him, or maybe it was his protruding ears that captured my attention and allowed me to pick them out especially from the flood of signs. "As the world becomes more horrible, art becomes more abstract," Paul Klee had said. I went up to the woman and gave her the rose and an accompanying smile. She asked if I would like to join them, and I declined politely and looked again at her son, who could so easily have been me. I gave him a wave before walking away, and I felt like a real artist.

Oh how grateful i am that i can be certain of God's power and authority and perfect judgment...because if i were in this with any doubt, i would crumble.
It would be so easy to say i just didn't care. If i love this guy, why should i stand in the way of his happiness...?

because i don't want him to DIE.

Because if i didn't love him as much as i do i wouldn't care.

All this emotion, all this very real real pain and love and anger and passion he is feeling and expressing is all leading him straight to his death.
This sensitive, dear man who has such really beautiful intentions in what he wants to bring to this world...in spite of his genuineness, his nobility, his earthly wisdom...is wrong. And the enemy is daily covering him in more and more velvety, soft, justifying darkness.

i am not ashamed about what my convictions are. i am not afraid of them and of what people will do to me, because it is not my welfare that matters, it is God's.

but i don't want to lose anyone...

i am completely overwhelmed.


And i ask for all of you to remember that while there are, indeed, millions of people out there full of blind hate and devoid of reason...
There are also those that love and care and believe they are doing what is right and good. All they can see in us is hatred and ignorance...it's the only way they can make sense of or justify it.

Please, please pray with me that Christ can touch the lives of these dear souls and reveal to them what is truly worth fighting for.

~

just some pictures...aagh

okay...it's 12:30 am but i don't care...here is a facebook album where you can see photos from my birthday party last friday (which was fantastic!), plus a few more things.

been so busy...i'll write more soon.

~

visiting

On thursday of last week i had the wonderful privilege of visiting Elizabeth, the author of this stellar blog. i'm hopefully going to do some portraits of her children for her...all 5 of them...which i am so excited about! but spending time chatting with her and playing with her twins was definitely the best part.


pumpkin bread! (i got to take some with me)




Jorai and Jasiel get some bread too




The Lord has done some very interesting things in my life through this blog since i created it years ago. this was hands down the most lovely and rewarding experience so far. i'm so thankful :)

in other news...things are just plain craziness. what are you doing God? i have no idea. the pain and beauty of relationships, trying to find work, having no money, the fact that i'll be 26 on wednesday...just beyond my capacity to handle. completely.
good thing i'm not in charge of all this stuff going on...both in my own personal life and for those around me. the last week was so strange...satisfying and good in a lot of ways; in others just baffling. but that doesn't matter. things are working out, and that's all i've asked for.
i'm being taken care of.
Sarah, Alec and i visited Pip's church today and it blessed me greatly. so much more than i expected.

in fact, i think that can be the theme of this last week: "More Than I Expected" whether something was bitter or sweet...it was an abundance.
hm.
lots to think about. i'm tired.

i can't wait to start drawing!

~

Hans & Jane

I'll be posting the story of Mabon Day on my art blog now...so head over there to read part 3! Enjoy, and let me know what you think :)

~

validation!

i was just accepted into an fantastic exhibition for LCAD MFA and alumni. the flyer is below...dates and all. i'm very excited!!




my painting of edan will be on display.

thank You Lord~!

~

there is a pattern i have noticed in the way i function.
whenever i am presented with something that truly touches me--something that speaks of profound beauty--along with the feelings of amazement and awe comes an overwhelming wave of melancholy.
a song, a book, a beautiful day...if it affects me deeply...usually makes me overwhelmingly sad.
mourning, perhaps, that it is so transient. i think these moments make me long for my true home with my true Father.
it's not always this intense; but it's there. it makes a big impact...a big difference.

~

keep in mind i've been this way since before emo was cool.


~

aaah. (contented sigh)

well, fall is here...and

it

is

so

beautiful...


impromptu trip to disneyland with mom and sarah on thursday...






i've been playing some songs on the autoharp...it's pretty fun.

and reid is getting very tall.


more later...gotta go do stuff...

~

rain, rain, come again

"i tell ya...there's a stage somewhere in america waiting for you, colleen." my dad just said to me. he thinks i should be a stand up comedian. actually, i'm being serious.
no, seriously.

anyway, last week i went by pip's to catch up on my seinfeld education

after prayer on saturday, amaris and i went to zona rosa cafe and sat by a window
while it rained. we had hot chocolate.

she wrote...

i started a new drawing...

and here's a picture of Alec and mom.


~

Well, i will leave commentary on last night's spectacle up to those who are more eloquent than i am. All i have to say is that i know who i'm voting for...despite my lack of enthusiasm...and that i am at peace with whatever decision is made. it's in the Lord's hands. at least i can be confident in that.

~

Sundae at the Soda Fountain (10.1)

with Pip, Andrew and Cassandra






yum

~

Oh Glorious Day!!

it's raining it's raining it's raining!!!

~

Dear Lord,

is there a way i could draw people, write, sing, and/or travel for the rest of my life? is there?
please let me know soon. if not, could You show me what to do instead? Thank You...

love, colleen

ps...Beach House was wonderful. Thank You Jesus for the beauty of music...


~

constant heart of my devotion

i'm seeing Beach House tonight!!!!
i is most elated

Hans and Jane Celebrate Mabon, part II

Read part 1 here.

When they stepped outside, the two friends breathed in air that felt distinctly more crisp and spicy than it was yesterday. Perhaps knowing it was the first day of autumn made their imaginations a little more active, but really, does it matter?
"Jane", said Hans after they had walked a few minutes, "My mother always used to tell me it was dangerous to go out on Mabon."
Jane looked over at him, carefully and quickly stepping over and around acorns, oak leaves and pebbles with all 4 of her tiny feet. "Some creatures think it is an evil day," she replied quietly. "The ones that walk on 2 legs sometimes do strange things in the woods. They use fire, dark colors, and it smells awful weird."
Hans shivered, but not because he was cold.
"Anyway," Jane went on, "I don't know what any of it means. I just know it's the day we thank the Grand Maker for the orange leaves, the clear air, and all the other things that happen when autumn comes."
Hans thought this over as they crawled over a very large root. "That sounds nice," he said.
When they made it over the root, Jane stopped. "I think this is it," she said; mostly to herself. Her nose pointed into the air, as she looked above her. Hans followed her gaze, and lifted his eyes into the canopy of an enormous old oak tree. He knew it well. Its gnarled but graceful branches, spreading farther than any other oak in the forest both fascinated and frightened him. Something so big, so old, had to have a kind of power in it...and it made him feel afraid and safe at the same time. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts, he didn't even notice that Jane had begun walking away.
"Hans!" she called.
He looked at her, and to his surprise, she had begun to climb the tree!
"This way! Come!"
"Up the tree?" he squeaked, his feet moving him slowly in her direction.
"Yes of course! Don't tell me you've never climbed it before??"
Hans felt a little embarrassed. "No," he said quietly, looking at his fingers.
At this Jane gave a little laugh of joy. "Excellent! Then this will be even better!" She exclaimed. "Come on, Hans! Oh stop staring at your feet and follow me. It really isn't that terrible. And you'll be really glad you did; you'll see."
"Okay" said Hans. And he began pulling himself up.

~

hanging out with andrew, pip and brie

~~~

Hans and Jane Celebrate Mabon, part 1

Once, in a quiet green country next to an old, old forest, there was a little mouse named Hans.
Now Hans was so very unspectacular that there really is no good reason to write about him. He was a bit small (even for mouse) and kept his little home very tidy. The latter is worth mentioning because most mice are very messy; letting food fall and scatter where it may, and worse, not even having a separate room for grooming!--and other, ah, more private activities. He lived in a little wooden box next to a field, and was very comfortable; yes, quite content.
Indeed, up until the day of which i am writing, one could say that the most extraordinary thing Hans ever did was to sleep too long one Wednesday and miss his morning stretch.
Today, however (unbeknownst to him), would be different. He awoke with the dawn, and performed his exercises in the pure light of a new day. He made use of a few drops of dew to wash his coat, and carried two more inside with him. One to drink with his breakfast, and the other for when Jane came over. Jane was his particular friend, who could be also described as peculiar, for she enjoyed painting.
She arrived promptly at 8:15, carrying a ripe raspberry. Hans squeaked in delight and they both went inside to enjoy their now much-improved meal. They sat at a little flat rock that served excellently as a table. Jane told Hans about the things she had seen on her way over, about the leaves on the trees starting to turn gold and scarlet (she always used very exciting names for colors), and how she climbed into a briar to pick the very last berry she could see (she was also very thoughtful).
"Did you know," said Jane, "that today is the first day of autumn?"
"Is it?" replied Hans. "I hadn't realized that it had come so soon!" Jane always remembered these things.
She took a sip of her water. "The year has gone by rather quickly."
Hans nodded, his mouth full of raspberry.
"What do you suppose we should do?" She asked.
Hans swallowed. "Do?"
"Of course! It's Mabon Day! We should celebrate." She studied his lack of enthusiasm. "Last year you insisted on dusting. I couldn't even get you outside."
Hans stared at his paws, "Well, it was important," he replied feebly.
"Not this year," said Jane. "This year i have something planned."
Hans thought of all the things that would have to be put off until tomorrow. "Alright," he said, doing his best to sound positive. "But first let me clean up breakfast."
"Oh good good!" Jane hopped up and began to clear the little table immediately.


~

see here

Loveliest sister

I've been helping Wren teach her art classes...it's fantastic. Most of the actual teaching is done with the older kids, but here are some pictures of the kindergarteners...








~~~